Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me
by phoenixstitch
Summary: Revised. Pre-Intervention. Spike asks Willow to give him a soul because of Buffy's put downs. He gets more than that.
1. Default Chapter

souled

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 1 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

started 3/08/2001/ 

  


Fifth Season Spoilers up to "Intervention" 

Buffy/Spike did you expect different? 

This was all brought on by all the discussions of Spike not being redeemable, or able to really love because he doesn´t have a soul. What if he said the hell with it, and went all the way, and asked Willow to do a soul restoration spell on him (though it has always amazed me that no one on the show ever thought of doing one on him anyway if they were so worried about him being dangerous with, or without the chip.) I was also listening to VNV Nation tracks while writing this so this will get sort of weird. This is set after "Crush", "The Body", and "Forever", after Joyce´s funeral, and after Spike gets bit by the Ghora demon. This sort of ignores the some of the story line in "Intervention", for the purposes of this story. Also I used parts of Willow´s original spell in "Becoming II" with some modifications, and changes here, and there. Other magickal works are by me, out of my head for the story based on my own experiences. 

This is also revised somewhat from previous postings here and elsewhere before July 10, 2001. 

Usual disclaimers all apply to not stepping on anyone´s copyrights with Josh Wheldon, Mutant Enemy, etc.. I don´t any of these characters, just borrowing them, especially Spike, and trying out different directions than the show has gone. 

Rating about PG-17. If you can watch the show you can read this. Cuss words, sexual situations. 

You may archive this, but ask me first.   


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Part 1 

Spike had made up his mind, and nothing was going to change it. He could admit to himself he was scared to death to do what he was going to do, and knew he had to be insane to even think of voluntarily doing this, but he was sick to death of the Slayer, and every one of the Scoobies throwing it in his face that he couldn´t, didn´t have feelings, or couldn´t be trusted because he didn´t have a soddin´ soul like his bloody wanker of a sire. He had gone this far in changing for her that after their last argument and her saying he was dirt because he was souless, he had decided that the only way she was going to believe he cared was with a soul. He was so damned close to having one anyway that he couldn´t see what the big deal was in having one, except she thought it made a big difference. He couldn´t go back to what he had been, so the only thing he could do was go forward, and go all the way on this redemption path he seemed to stuck on. 

He was resigned to being a poofer just like his bleedin´ sire if he really wanted Buffy to change her mind about him. Seeing Dru, going to the Bronze, had been great at first, but then watching Dru kill those two kids had made him realize he wasn´t like that any more. It sickened him to see her vamp out then watch her drain the boy. He had reluctantly drunk the girl´s blood because she was already dead, and Dru was watching him expectantly, but he had derived no pleasure from doing it, and the blood just had soured in his stomach. Even if he had the damn chip out now he still didn´t think he could kill anyone—it just wasn´t in him to do so any more. Humans had become real, they weren´t happy meals on legs because he knew them as thinking, living people with lives, hopes and dreams. They had a right to exist as much as he did—even more so because their lives were so brief. Seeing and being with Dru he had realized that he had gotten over her, and he didn´t love her any more. Then Buffy had showed up, and he had really messed things up with Buffy by chaining her up. That had to be the stupidest thing he ever could done to prove to her that he did really love her. Maybe if Dru hadn´t been there he might have been able to talk to her—explain what had happened in the warehouse, and how he did feel about her, and what that meant for her, and the rest of the Scoobies. But pumped up by human blood, Dru watching him, and Buffy being her usually sarcastic self-- he had lost it—he fully admitted that to himself. He had been a total ass, and he really didn´t blame Buffy for being mad at him. Then Harmony had had to show up again, and add her two cents in. He just couldn´t win. But now it was over, done, and he couldn´t think of any way else to prove to Buffy he cared. He had no doubts that having a soul was not going to be a cake walk—not after all that he had done over the last hundred years. He wasn´t as bad as Angelus, Darla, or Dru, but he couldn´t say he had been entirely innocent either of doing his own share of killings, tortures, and plain vicious nastiness just for the sheer thrill of the kill, and the battle. 

With steely determination the peroxide blond vampire made his way through the sewer system, avoiding the odd demon, and vampire also wandering through them to avoid the daylight to get to their own destinations. Now if he still had the ring Amara then the sun wouldn´t be a problem, but it was long gone and getting his car out just to drive over to the magic Box wasn´t worth the effort. Besides, walking gave him the time to think over what he was going to say once he got to the shop. He sincerely hoped that Willow hadn´t gone through with her plans to make it so he couldn´t enter the shop, and talk to her. He knew the red headed witch was there now. He had all of the Scoobies schedules memorized just in case he did need to track one of them down in emergency, though if any of them knew that they´d think he had ulterior motives, and not because knowing where they were at any given time was a good thing. They kept track of one another but he wasn´t part of the group so his keeping track was seen as stalking. He couldn´t win. 

He came out of the sewers about a half a block down from the shop in the alleyway. Making sure the coast was clear he climbed out, and replaced the manhole cover while keeping the blanket wrapped around him as he stuck to the shadows to make his way to the front entrance of the shop. 

He practically flew through the door as his blanket started to catch fire, relieved that the witches hadn´t done the uninvite spell after all. Before he could even lower his blanket, he could feel their eyes, and their hatred of him before he even took his blanket off, and put out the flames on it. "Truce people," he warned them looking over their angry faces because he had dared to come into the shop. Xander, and Giles were already getting up from the study table, and coming his way. The only one he didn´t see was Buffy, herself, which actually was better as it was going to be hard enough asking the witches without her adding her own two cents in before he could get the words out. 

"We thought we told you, you were not welcome here Spike," Giles warned coming up to him. 

"Yeah, Deadboy. You really want to be a crispy critter," Xander smirked, already enjoying the idea of throwing the vamp out as he reached out a hand to grab Spike´s duster for that purpose. 

Spike held up his hands in surrender. "I come in peace. I need to talk to the Wicca´s. I need them to do a spell for me," he told them. 

Giles and Xander exchanged puzzled, and curious looks as they halted their forward motion in front of the nervous vampire. "A spell? What kind of spell?" Giles asked suspiciously, his eyes narrowing dangerous behind his glasses. 

Taking a big unneeded breath, Spike told the Watcher, "one like you did to Angelus—to restore his soul." Spike finished embarrassed, and waited for the reactions he was bracing to get. 

Xander started crackling up, and laughing as did the rest of the group. "You want a soul? Are you for real? You—with a soul?" Xander cackled, almost doubling over because he was laughing so hard. 

"Yeah, mate, you heard me right. I want a soddin´ soul," Spike said tight lipped, trying not to lose his temper, and hit the kid chip, or not. He glanced over to the table where the two girls were seated hoping that at least one of them would understand. 

"But, Spike, I thought a soul was the last thing you wanted. It´s the last thing I ever thought you´d want—being a vampire, and all that," Giles said calming down, and really looking at him, and seeing that he was serious about it. 

"Things change, Watcher, and so have I. None of you believe that I have changed because I don´t have a soul like the poof, so I want one to show you that it isn´t going to make a bloody lot of difference in me. I´m me, soul, or no soul, so I´m willing to go all the way, and have the witches doing that spell on me to give me back my soul. I know you got the soddin´ stuff for the ritual as you always have it on hand in case Angelus decides to come out in play. This is a one time offer—either do it now, or forget it as it is I´m already regretting this," Spike told them all sincerely trying his best to ignore Xander. 

"Yeah, we can do this—if you´re really sure you want this?" Willow asked big eyed, not quite understanding this change in the vampire, but very happy that he wanted to do this. 

"Yes, and as soon as you can before I bloody well change my mind," Spike told her fidgeting already, and saw that she did understand after all. 

Xander was not convinced, and was glaring back at the blonde vampire as he went over to where Anya was behind the counter. "You really think a soul is going to help you? Buffy will still stake your ass," Xander smirked thinking he knew what Spike was hoping to accomplish with this. "And it won´t change how any of us feel about you because you will still be a vampire." 

"Xander, can it!" Willow yelled angrily at him. "Spike is willingly wanting to do this. I think it´s taking a lot for him to even ask us to do this spell. I am not going discourage him so you shut the hell up, and if you don´t like what is going on, then you can just leave!" she said much to the shock of all in the store. 

"Fine...good! I will go then. I still think it´s a trick. He´s got something planned and you guys are so blind you can´t see it!" Xander said angrily grabbing up his coat and throwing in on as he stormed for the door. 

"Xander, wait—don´t go!" Anya said frantically trying to stop him from leaving coming around the counter to stop him as she glared daggers at Willow.. 

He shook his head, hurt because Willow couldn't see the danger she was going to put them in. He still like vampires souled or not. No, it was better if he left, and went somewhere to get calmed down--this he could not watch. He was really hoping that the spell wouldn't work at all so he wouldn't have to be nice to Spike as with a soul he wouldn't have any more excuses not to. "I got to. I can´t stay, and watch this. I´ll see you later at home," he said giving her a quick kiss, then he was out the door heading for the Bronze. 

"See what you did! He left because of you," Anya spat angrily at the vampire, and at Willow. 

"Yeah, and your point is?" Spike asked, glad that the whelp had left. 

She glared at him, and then stormed back to behind the counter glaring at them all. 

"Well, if you want this done let´s get to it," Giles said motioning the vampire to follow him. Since the workout room was still bright, and sunny that let that area out for doing the ritual in, so they went upstairs to the loft to use one of the rooms up there. "I´m still surprised about this, Spike, but I do believe this will relieve a lot of worry about you if you got dechipped, and back to normal," Giles said as he started setting up for the ritual while they waited for the two witches to get the orb, and other ingredients from the shop. 

"That is one of the reasons why I am doing this, Watcher. I´m tired of everyone being paranoid that I´m going to bloody hurt the lot of you if I get the chip out. Once, yeah, I would have had no qualms about doing you all in, but now…I can´t, no matter how bloody mad you blokes make me. And it´s not the chip doing it…I just can´t because I know you all. That´s what I want to prove to the lot of you that chip, or not, soul, or not I´m still me, still Spike. You think because I don´t have a soul I don´t have real feelings, that I am not capable of love, regrets, guilt, all those soddin´ emotions that you think I don´t have, but I do. If I have a soul you will have to acknowledge that what I feel is real, and that I am capable of doing good, and have been doing good all these months. I want the lot of you to see it isn´t a game, a trick when I help. If you can soddin´ accept Angel, then you can accept me. That´s all I want is to be bloody accepted. I´m on your side, been on your side for months, but none of you wanted to see it, so I´m making the sacrifice, and going all the way so you will believe me," Spike told him seriously. 

"Does Buffy know any of this?" Giles asked fascinated despite his own misgivings about the vampire. 

"No. I tried to talk to her, and it got me hit up side my head for my efforts. It´s because of her, and her thinking a soul equals being trustworthy, and sincere that I´m doing this. I won´t lie to you, Watcher. I do care what the Slayer thinks about me. Maybe before I wanted to kill her, but not now. All I want to do is help in any way I can and not for money like I had been. It´s so I can protect her, along with the Nibblet against this Glory bird. Ever since Joyce died I´ve been doing a lot of thinking about this. I owe it to Buffy´s Mum to make sure her girls stay safe, and I can´t do it if Buffy is paranoid about me, and is afraid of me because I don´t have a soul. I know I don´t stand a chance in hell with the slayer—she´s made that clear, but I can give her one less thing to worry about—me," Spike finished, looking up at the Watcher his deep blue eyes calm, and a bit sad along with being resigned to his fate. 

"I see. So you´re doing this so Buffy will feel more safe around you, am I understanding you correctly?" Giles questioned, shaking his head and feeling almost pity for vampire. 

"Yeah, pretty much. She´s got enough to bloody worry about with the kid, school, and all of her mom´s affairs still to worry about plus her slaying, and then worrying when Glory is going to have another go at her. This way I can be a help to her not a thorn in her bloody side as she puts it. It´s either this, or walk away from all of this, and with Glory gunning for her, and the Nibblet she´s going to need all the bloody help she can get, and you, and I both know this. Maybe after I get a soul we can think about getting this chip out so I can be more help seeing that the slayer has to fight all these soddin´ knights that keep popping up that want to kill Dawn. They almost got her the other night in the cemetery," Spike told and Giles looked alarmed. 

"She didn´t tell me about that," Giles said worriedly hoping Spike would tell him what had happened since Buffy hadn´t yet. 

"It was bloody messy. Ten of them ganged up on her. I managed to knock a couple of them out and take out three, but I had a blinding headache for hours after it. The slayer killed two of them. The others we lost when we broke off, and got away from them. She had to kill them in self defense. It was the first time she ever really killed a person. She didn´t even think about as she was doing it, but afterward, when she realized what she had done. and these guys weren´t vamps or demons but bloody humans and—she freaked—really bad. She was going on that now she was no better than Faith, the other slayer. That she had reached another low, and was now a full blown killer. It took a lot to convince her that she wasn´t and that she had did what she had to do to protect her sis. She wasn´t any different than a soldier protecting his country or family. That´s when we got into it about souls," Spike explained, wishing he had a bloody fag, but that was another thing he was going to give up for her as she said the smoke stink clinging to him made her sick. 

"Dear God. She hasn´t said a word about any of this. In fact I haven´t talked to her except briefly last night on the phone after she came back from patrol, and she said everything was fine. How was she when you two parted?" Giles asked worriedly. 

"Honestly, Watcher?," he asked, quirking a scarred eyebrow, and looked up at the older man to see if he wanted the truth, and Giles nodded to go on. "She was a bloody mess both physically, and mentally. I wanted to walk her home, and make sure she got there in one piece, but she wouldn´t have any of it. She had some damned nasty cuts that needed looking after, and I didn´t think her sis could handle them, but she just wouldn´t let me help—that was part of our bloody fight too—her not letting anyone—and I don´t mean just me— I meant you all too help her anymore. It´s like she has to do it all, and keep all of what is happening to herself—it ain´t good, and it ain´t right, and I told her that, and she really fired on me then. Anyway after a few nasty parting shots she stormed off, and when I thought it was safe I followed any way to make sure she got home. Then I hung around until I was sure she, and the girl were asleep, and then I went home when it started getting towards dawn." 

"I see. You hang around the house a lot, Spike?" Giles questioned with a frown. 

He ducked his head. "Yeah, I do, mate. Ever since those knights started showing up, and I know that that Glory chick can pop in, and out whenever she wants. Someone needs to be around if she needs help quick—besides, I don´t have anything better to bloody do except watch late nite telly. The Nibblet knows I´m there. I´ve seen her spot me a few times, and wave. Buffy may not be happy that I´m around, but little bit is," Spike finished and Giles just nodded, not really mad that Spike had taken to protecting the girls while they were alone in the house at night. They wouldn´t let anyone stay with them, or stay over at anyone´s home, so Spike doing guard duty because he wanted to was a welcome relief to the Watcher. 

Willow and Tara bounded up the stairs with their arms laden with supplies from the shop for the spell. "Got everything, Giles, where do you want us to put them?" Willow asked, looking pleased and excited. 

"Over there. Luckily, we thought to make a couple of copies of the spell after you did it in case something happened," Giles told her finding the right notebook, and the correct page in it. Then turning to Spike. "You do realize that the version we have has the happiness clause taken out? That means if you get a moment of happiness you won't lose your soul like Angel did. This spell will be permanent with no loop holes--are you all right with that?" Giles asked him carefully, wanting him to know all the facts. 

"That´s good. Not that I´d be acting like bleedin´ Angelus if something happened to give me a happy. But if the spell was going to work like the poof's that would have put a real damper on certain things I rather enjoy. Yeah, this version sounds a lot better," he grinned, visibly relieved that his spell wouldn´t be just like his sire´s—he´d really hate that. 

"Anya´s watching the store, not that we´re really busy right now. Though she´s still mad that Xander took off," Willow told Giles as she mixed out the herbs, and set everything up. 

"I´m rather glad he did go as this is delicate work, which he ought to know about since I believe he was with you when you did the last spell, am I correct Willow?" Giles asked. 

"Yeph, right there in the hospital room with Oz, and me. Now it´s going to be you, and Tara helping. It should be okay. At least I´m not all injured, and hurt like the last time." 

"You all about ready?" Spike asked getting more and more nervous as he watched them set up the ritual area. He was already wondering if this was a bad idea after all, and debating whether he could make an quick exit. 

"All set," Willow cheerfully announced. "Okay, Spike, you just sit there, and get comfortable. You don´t have to do a thing," she told him. 

"I don´t? No mumble jumble, or anything?" he asked surprised. 

"Nope. Angel wasn´t even around when I did the spell on him—that´s when he was fighting Buffy over at the mansion." 

"Yeah, I caught part of that, but from what I hear, I left before the big finale," he told her remembering the scene well as he left with Dru. "So you´re saying you don´t need me here? Would it be okay if I stepped out for a smoke while you do whatever?" he asked. 

"Sure, but before you go I do need one thing—some of your blood to make sure the spell bonds with you and not anyone else," Willow asked coming over to him with a ritual knife, and a small copper bowl. 

"No problem," he agreed as he took the knife from Willow, and sliced his wrist, and let his thick dark blood drip into the bowl. "That enough?" he asked, looking up at the nervous red haired witch. 

"Yeah, thanks. You doing okay?" she asked. 

He struggled, "just get it done before I bloody well change my mind," he told her as he stood up, and quickly went downstairs headed for the back alleyway to smoke. 

"He´s not needed for the spell?" Tara asked her surprised. 

"Nope. Last time we did it Angel was miles away, and we didn´t even have anything personal of his. This time we have Spike´s blood. Which we are going to dip into the stinky herbs, and dab on the orb." 

"Are you sure that´s wise, Willow? The spell says nothing about using vampire´s blood in it," Giles asked, a bit alarmed by this change in the ritual. 

"Well, I figure that by using the blood, the soul will form a tighter bond with Spike than with Angel, and since we aren´t doing a happiness clause, there ain´t going to be nothing to break this once it´s done," she said determinedly. "Shall we begin?" she asked her fellow magic casters after she added Spike´s blood to the herbs, and to the orb. 

Tara begins burning the herbs, and incense while Willow cast her stones then gave Giles his clue to begin. 

Giles: Quod perditum est, invenietur. 

Translation: What is lost, return. 

Willow: Not dead... nor not of the living. Spirits of the interregnum, I call. 

Willow: Gods, bind Spike, also known as William the Bloody. Cast his heart from the... evil... realm. 

Willow: Oh, Powers That Be return this one´s lost soul, and make him whole once more upon the side of right. Undo what has been done, and make it right. Restore all that has been lost the way it was. (pants) I call on... (pants) 

And like before when she cast the last spell without warning Willow's head snaps back and she looks up with her eyes wide open. Her head snaps back down and her eyes stare into the blood covered Orb. She begins to chant steadily in Rumanian as though possessed. 

Willow: Te implor, Doamne, nu ignora aceasta rugaminte. 

Translation: I implore you, Lord, do not ignore this request. 

Willow: Nici mort, nici al fiintei... 

Translation: Neither dead, nor of the living... 

Willow: Lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta, sufletul la el. 

Translation: Let this Orb be the vessel that will carry William´s soul to him, and bind it to him permanently. 

A cool then warm wind whips through the room rustling pages, and lifting the table coverings. The table lurches hard. Giles look at Willow worriedly as he face is lit up by the golden glow of the orb and the non focusing of her eyes. 

Willow: Asa sa fie! Asa sa fie! Acum! 

Translation: So it shall be! So it shall be! Now! 

Willow: Acum! 

Translation: Now! 

The Orb glows brightly for a brief moment, and goes dark. Willow suddenly relaxes, and looks around blankly and then she collapses into a heap on the floor. 

End Part 1 

  


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[NEXT][1]

[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][2]

   [1]: souled2.htm
   [2]: mailto:vbmacky1@yahoo.com



	2. Part 2

souled2

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 2 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1.   
  
  


Part 2 

Spike walked through the workout room to get to the back door so he could step out, and get a smoke. As he went through the entryway to the back Buffy, and Dawn entered the shop. All Buffy saw was a fleeing black clad figure, and his trademark white hair. She started to yell something at him, but decided against it. Since Anya didn´t seem too concerned about Spike being there, since she had noticed him wandering through too, and she had gone back to what she was doing, it was apparent that Anya was aware of him, and was okay with it, and Buffy guessed everyone else was okay with his being there as well. But it was daytime so—why--why was here? 

While Dawn put her book bag down by her usual chair, and sat down, Buffy went over to the counter to talk to Anya. "Hi, where is everyone? And why is Spike here?" Buffy asked bluntly. 

"Giles, Willow and Tara are upstairs doing a spell for Spike. He asked them to do it," Anya told her just as bluntly. "He made Xander leave," she added with a pout. 

"Spike made Xander leave? How? Why?" Buffy asking getting angry. 

"Because he didn´t want to hang around, and see Spike get a soul, so he left. He thought it was a bad idea," the ex-demon grumble, looking through a supply catalog. 

Buffy was stunned—a soul? Spike came here asking Willow to do the soul restoring spell on him? Now what the hell was the peroxide pest up to? Just because they had had an argument about souls last night after the fight, and he had told her the only way she would believe that he was sincere was to get one—never in a million years had she believed he would actually 'want´ to do it. She was totally stunned by this. "He asked Willow to do the spell, and she agreed?" Buffy managed to ask. 

"Yeah, that´s what she, and Giles are doing right now. They´ve been up there a while so they ought to be done soon." 

"Then why did I see Spike go out the back then? Doesn´t he kind need to be there for this thing?" Buffy asked confused. 

"No, he can if he wants, but the spell will work if he´s close around. Angel wasn´t in the same room when Willow did the spell on him, was he?" she asked. 

"No, no he wasn´t," Buffy agreed, the painful memories of that time coming back of when he got his soul back, and she had to send him to Hell to close the gate of the demon dimension. 

"If he left, he probably wanted to be alone. It´s going to be a painful experience for him, and probably he doesn´t want anyone to see how bad it is," Anya suggested, feeling a twinge of pity for the vampire. 

"Yeah, maybe, but this is Spike we´re talking about. I still think he´s up to something," she said, still not believing the vampire was sincere. Going back over to the table where Dawn had been listening to every word, Buffy told her. "Stay put. I´m going to see what Spike is really up to. I´ll be back in a couple of minutes," she told her sister. 

"Maybe he´s not up to anything. You always 'think´ he is—jeeze, Buffy, give the guy a break. He´s not always up to bad stuff you know," Dawn told her defending her friend. 

"Dawn, you just don´t understand!" Buffy said angrily, frustrated that the girl couldn´t see how dangerous the vampire really was, and not wanting to get into another fight with her sister as that´s all they ever seemed to do any more since their mother´s death. Then she turned on her heels, and headed for the back room before she could say another thing. 

Dawn just watched her go, and shook her head sadly at her retreating back, "No, Buffy, it´s you that doesn´t understand," and went back to working on her homework assignments. 

In the deep shady area under the outer back stairs to Giles apartment above the shop Spike had sat down carefully on the gravel covered ground. His side still hurt from that bite he had taken defending Dawn from the Ghora demon when they went to steal those eggs for her spell. He wondered how that had went since he hadn´t seen her since then. At least the damn bite marks had stopped oozing, and finally looked like they might heal up in a day or so. It had made it hard as hell to fight those damn knights last night. Luckily, Buffy hadn´t noticed he was favoring his side. He really didn´t want to explain his part in the kid´s adventure, and since the Slayer hadn´t coming storming in to stake him recently then Lil´ Bit must have kept her mouth shut about it all. 

He rummaged through the pockets of his trench coat, and finally found his smokes and lighter. He was trying to quit smoking. but he was wound up tight, and needed one to cut the edge off as he waited to see what was going to happen if anything from the soddin´ spell. He was sitting there peacefully smoking his cigarette when he could feel the spell began kicking in. It doubled him over from the sheer pain of all his senses being assaulted at once. It was like being hit by a freight train running full steam through his head, and body as the full force of the spell hit him in waves and waves of blinding pain. It was ten times, many times worse than he had expected it to be. He clutched the sides of his head, and gritted his teeth fighting to stay conscious, and endure this. The pain was worse than what the chip did to him if he tried to hit a human. He was totally regretting getting his soul back now as the pain increased, and flashes of memory, and hundreds of faces swarmed before his mind's eye, and assaulted him-- filling his ears with their screams of terror, and pain as they died by his hands. He realized he was seeing all of the people he had killed as a vampire, and reliving each of their deaths exactly as they had happened, and how—none of it was a pretty sight. The realization of what he had done hit him, and he started gagging, and throwing up. 

No wonder Buffy and her friends had rejected him—he had been an unspeakable monster, and did deserve to be staked for his crimes. He wondered now if there was any hope at all to make right all the wrongs he had done. How could he expect them to forgive him if he couldn´t forgive himself. He did not deserve to live, let alone even hope to win Buffy´s love. At least now he knew the truth, and could see himself the way they saw him. The pain continued and he was suddenly seized with convulsions, and he felt his dead insides shift, and change, like some sort of weird transformations were happening to his body too. He threw up all the blood he had in his stomach until it was all gone, and he finally subsided now to dry heaves. When he could move with a shaky hand he wiped the vile tasting mess off of his mouth with the back of it noting that his skin felt warm, and slightly feverish. 'What the bloody hell?´ he asked himself in pure shock as suspicions of what was really happening to him became apparent to him. He didn't want to believe it--could believe it as if what he suspected was going on was too unbelievable for him to accept. 

'The witch didn´t? She couldn´t have?´ He asked himself as he checked himself for a pulse, and found one—weak and thready, but steadily growing in intensity. He then realized he was gasping for breath, and was taking large lungfuls in to his newly useable lungs. He was breathing—he really was breathing—what the bloody hell? Scared now, he put a shaking hand to his normally silent chest, and found a beating heart there. "Oh sweet, Mother of God!" he swore out loud alarmed, and terrified now. "I´m bloody human again now on top of everything!" 

He was panicking now. 'What the hell had the witch done to him? How had she done this? This wasn´t possible? Was it?´ he asked himself his mind racing as he pushed himself up from the ground and stood up on shaky legs to try the ultimate test. Cautiously, he stepped forward from his sheltered area into a bright patch of sunlight, and carefully put his hand out into it waiting for it to burn, and hurt like hell— but nothing happened! After a minute or two, after his hand didn´t start smoking, he edged closer into the bright light letting the golden sunlight fully surround him, bathe him in its warmth and light. He stood there completely amazed, and a slow smile crept across his chiseled features as he accepted that the sun was no longer a danger to him. He held out both arms, turning around, and round in a circle, his trench coat swinging around his lean jean clad legs as he looked up in joyous wonder into the perfect cerulean blue of the sky for the first time in over a century. The former vampire happily laughed out loud at the sheer joy of being alive again, and able to enjoy such a simple thing as a bright sunny day. 

It was to the unexpected, and unnerving sight of Spike standing, laughing loudly as he swung his arms wide, and danced in the sunlight unharmed in the middle of the alley that Buffy walked out of the back door on. She really hadn´t been playing too much attention to much of anything when she opened the door, and stepped outside. She was only intent on finding him, and giving him a piece of her mind. She had only taken two steps when she saw him dancing in the sunlight unharmed, and not smoking with his back towards her. In complete shock she backed up against the closed door, and stared at him with wide, frightened eyes trying to understand, and fully comprehend what she was seeing. 

"NO! I´m not seeing this—I´m not!" she swore to herself. "It can´t be! No way in hell!" she tried to make herself disbelieve what her eyes were showing her as she shook her head violently trying to deny it all. 

Spike became aware of her, and spun around a bright smile plastered on his face enjoying the shock on hers. "Hi, luv, notice anything different about me?" he grinned, trying to keep down his giggles. 

"Spike! You—you´re standing in the sun –and it isn´t burning you—HOW?" she demanded, afraid to move. 

"I dunno, luv, ask your friends. All I wanted was my bleedin´ soul back, and I got this…but I bloody well am not complaining. It´s a friggin´ miracle—that´s what! Ain´t it wonderful?" he asked, still letting the sun drench him in it´s light. 

"Yeah, it's real great," she said trying to enthusiastic, but she was still in shock, her mind just beginning to process the implications of this. Tentatively, she finally pushed away from the door, and went over to him her hazel eyes still wide, and staring at him. "You´re really alive? Human again?" she gulped nervously as she stood next to him, and touched his face feeling the sun warmed, normal, feeling flesh, and then she grabbed his arm, and felt the now steady pulse on his wrist under her fingers. She dropped his hand like she had been burnt, and stepped back shaking her head. 

He tried to keep neutral about it, but he laughed any way at her discomfort. "Seems so—pulse, and heartbeat—I think I got the whole works, but I think I didn´t lose the other either. I can still hear things, feel stuff like I did before so I´m not sure either what all is the same, and different yet," he said trying to sort out all the new body impressions with the old ones the pain of his transformation vanishing.. 

"And did you get your soul back?" she asked nervously looking up at him, her eyes searching his, not knowing what she was expecting to see in the blue depths of his eyes. Something, maybe, that would give her a clue between his old self, and this new one like she had seen between Angel and Angelus, instead she saw almost no change. 

He looked at her thoughtfully knowing what she was asking, but he couldn´t lie to her so he told her truthfully, "I think so. I can feel some difference, but I´m not going to go all super depressive, and guilt laden like my bleedin´ sire. I´m very aware of what I´ve done, and to who, and how all these years, I always was. I never stopped seeing their faces, Slayer. They were always with me, and I knew what I had done, I just couldn´t stop myself, and after awhile I just didn´t give a damn. That´s what you never understood. I always had the choice to do, or not do evil, or good. It was survival, luv, pure, and simple in a world I had to exist in because I had no bleedin´ choice about it. Just like you have no bleedin´ choice in what you have to do being the Slayer and all," Spike told her seeing that the realization of his words was sinking in to her as well as the disgust and fear. 

"You knew all this time what you were doing, and you did it anyway?" she asked appalled. 

He struggled, "yeah, I did what I did because it was what I was supposed to do. I was a bloody vampire, and your precious Angelus and that bitch Darla demanded that I act like one, or else. Then there was the damned blood lust pushing it, and the demon wouldn´t let me ignore what I was supposed to do either. It was a no win situation. But part of me always knew what was happening, and hated it, but got over ridden by the other. The only difference I can feel now is that the demon part is suppressed more than it was, and the other parts of me that it was keeping down are bit more accessible now," he added. 

"So you are still you? You´re not some other you like Angel was—is from Angelus?" she asked confused. Angel and Angelus were in her mind like day and night in no way similar to either one because of Angel having a soul. If Spike was telling her the truth then what did that mean about Angel really and how much of what he had told her had been the truth--the real truth? She didn't want to think about that at all. 

He grinned, "yeah, that´s what I´ve been trying to tell you all along. I never lost my bloody soul, it just went into deep sleep coming awake every once in a while when it was needed like stopping the world from going to Hell, until I got that soddin´ chip. What you´ve been dealing with since that happened has been just me, the real me, soul, and all trying to readjust to life without the demon in control, with the real me coming out more and more. Think about if you had been used to living a certain way for years, and suddenly you couldn´t, and then you had to act, and think in a completely different way that was totally opposite of all you knew, wouldn´t you have a bit of trouble adjusting, especially with no soddin´ help or guidance to do the right things in this new situation? Then every time you tried to do the right thing you got shot down, or your actions misunderstood-- wouldn´t you get just a tad frustrated?" he asked, trying to get the point across. 

Guilt crossed Buffy´s face as his words did sink in as well as new understanding crept in of how the last, almost two years, had been for him by her and her friends. "Ohh," was all she could manage to say. And look down at the gravel underneath her tennis shoes. 

"Luv, you didn´t understand. You didn´t want to understand—none of you, because it wasn´t anything in your Watcher´s books, and none of you couldn´t believe that a demon would tell you the bloody truth," he also rubbed in enjoying her discomfort. 

"So why the spell?" she asked, needing to know. 

"To prove to you some things just like I told you last night. I told you I´m in this all the way with you on fighting this Glory chick, and keeping the Nibblet safe, but you wouldn´t bloody believe me because I didn´t have a soddin´ soul. Now I got one—you going to believe me now? And believe me that I do really care about you?" he asked with a smirk, crossing his arms, and looking down at her seriously. 

"I dunno, I don´t know what to think right now. Especially, since it sounds like you did this all for me," she said slowly, still having a hard time with that because that would have to mean she had to accept that he was sincere about being in love with her, and she was not so in the mood to deal with that can of worms full on right now. "Spike,… I…. This is just too much…I just can´t deal…," she said with a groan, and then she spun around, and ran back in side before he could stop her. 

"Buffy! Come back we have to talk—we need to talk," he called after her, shaking his head in dismay as he watched her flee from him--again. He sighed bitterly, disappointed at her reactions, and then he followed her back in to face the reactions of the rest of the Scoobies. 

End Part 2 

  
  
  


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[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][3]

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	3. Part3

souled 3

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 3 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1.   
  
  
  
  


Part 3 

Giles picked Willow up off the floor where she had fallen in a tangled heap after the spell had been concluded and laid her on the leather couch nearby. Tara hovered over her worriedly while Giles ran to find a cool cloth to put on her forehead. 

"Willow, honey, wake up please," Tara asked trying to keep the panic out of her voice, and project only soothing energy and vibes which wasn't easy. She took the red haired witches limp hand, and stroked it, hoping that somehow physical contact t would help as she concentrated on sending her energy and strength from her own reserves. 

"Anything?" Giles asked as he handed Tara a cool wet cloth from the nearby bathroom, and Tara put the cool cloth on her mate's pale forehead. 

"Nothing," she said sadly. "Giles, she just isn't strong enough to do heavy magic like this. I keep telling her that but she won't listen. She still hasn't fully recovered from the transportation spell we did at the hospital, and that was weeks and weeks ago. She so fragile," Tara sighed, looking at the smaller woman. 

"Yes, I know. She hasn't been the same since we did the spell to summon the First Slayer, and it seems to be getting worse for her everytime she attempts magic, and yet she wants to do more, and more without taking proper precautions. I fear for her safety a lot, because she will do anything to help her friends even to the risk of her own life," he said, with a deep sigh. He loved the young woman on the couch as much as he loved Buffy. She had been through so much with them all since the very beginning. Her capacity for self sacrifice always amazed him, and worried him. 

"I know that, and it scares me a lot. I've tried telling her she needs to slow down, and not think that everything depends on her knowing how to do a super spell to save someone, but she won't listen. She feels like she 'has' to do spells that are beyond her abilities so that she won't disappoint Buffy, or you, or Xander or anyone. She's always trying to make sure she takes care of me, and everyone, and her own needs don't matter," she said shaking her head. "Since Buffy's mom died it's been worse," Tara added, chewing nervously on her bottom lip, debating whether to go on or not.. 

"What do you mean?" Giles questioned, looking at her. 

"It's just that…" she didn't get a chance to answer as Buffy bounded up the stairs looking for them. 

"Ohh, sorry. What's going on?" the Slayer asked taking in the scene, and then seeing Willow passed out. "Willow? What's wrong with her? Is she okay?" Buffy asked anxiously, rushing over to her friend. 

"She passed out after the spell. An aftereffect I'm sure of, of her using so much energy. We were trying to wake her. Have you seen Spike by the way?" Giles asked, after he answered her questions. 

"Yeah, did I. That was some doozy of a spell you did. He's human now," she said, not looking up at him as she tried herself to wake up her friend as she kneeled on the floor by the couch. 

"He's what? Did you say human?" Giles asked alarmed, his mind already spinning at Buffy's calm news. 

"Yeah, full stand in the sun, and not burn, with a heartbeat, breathing, and all. What did you guys do?" Buffy asked looking up at him like they had done this intentionally to really mess up her view of the world, and how things should be. 

"Just a soul restoration spell with some modifications to anchor his soul a bit more permanently than Angel's if he gets the chip out. There was nothing in that could, or should have turned him human too in it. If this is true then I am completely at a loss at how it happened and why," he said shaking his head and wishing he had a stiff drink. 

"Well, he is, and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with a human Spike. The vampire version was bad enough. And he said he thinks he still has his strength, and other abilities too—like they didn't go bye bye when he became human. Which is totally wigging me out," Buffy said, and then saw with relief that Willow was coming to. 

"Goddess, my head hurts. What happened? I don't remember a thing after I started the spell. Did it work? Is Spike okay? Did he get his soul back?" she asked looking to Giles, then Tara, then Buffy as she tried to sit up, and then gave up as waves of dizziness and nausea hit her making her lie back down against the pillows. 

"Yeah, it worked big time. He got his soul, and something extra--Spike's human. Your spell somehow changed him, " Buffy told her. 

"Human? As in alive, walking, breathing, sunlight kind of human?" Willow questioned with big eyes, and saw her friend nod slowly yes. And she knew Buffy wasn't lying--this was too important to lie about and Willow was shocked to her core. "Ohh shit…I didn't mean to—really I didn't. All I wanted to do is make sure he didn't go all Angelus on you if he lost his soul—getting a happy—since he was more likely to get a happy than Angel might…you know.." she sputtered embarrassed. 

"Huh?" Buffy asked, wondering what her friend meant and when it hit he she wished she didn't know after all. Though it did make her wonder if Spike had said something, or her friend knew something she didn't about her, and Spike—no, she really didn't want to go there. 

"I see, but still, Willow, there shouldn't have been anything in that spell to cause this sort of effect, otherwise Angel might have been restored as human as well. It definitely requires further study, and consultation as I have never heard of such a thing happening before like this. It is most perplexing. And where was Spike when you saw him last, Buffy?" Giles asked. 

"Out back standing in the alley enjoying the sun, but he may have tried to follow me in as he was trying to talk me, and I couldn't—talk to him—I was, am… too freaked still to deal with him," she admitted, ashamed that she had not been more happy for the former vampire. 

"I see," halfway understanding what she was saying, and shelving a heavy conversation for later on the subject of Spike. Turning his attention back to Willow, he asked, "Are you going to be all right?" 

"Should be. I really need some aspirin--lots and lots of it. My head hurts, and I still feel dizzy. If Spike is really human can you send him up for me to see him. I really need to explain to him that I didn't do this on purpose. He's not mad is he? He was real happy as a vampire so being human would not be a good thing--right?" she asked Buffy. 

"I think he's cool with it, Wills. He didn't seem mad to me, especially if he didn't lose any of his abilities, and gained somethings too. But this is Spike--so I really can't say if not being a vampire is bad for him," Buffy told her truthfully. 

Giles hadn't thought about whether Spike might be upset about being human again. It sounded like he needed to have a talk with the new human. Turning to Willow, he told the young woman, "I will send him up as you don't need to be getting up for awhile," Giles replied puzzled at her request. 

"I agree with Giles. You need to rest for awhile. Are you sure, honey, that you are up to talking with him, especially if he is upset with being human again? Maybe I should just get you home, and you get some rest there," Tara asked, still worried for her. 

"No, it'll be okay. I'm just tired, but I can still talk. I need to see what happened for myself, and since I can't move too well…" 

"Got it." Tara agreed. 

"If you're sure, I'll go get him, and bring him up," Buffy told as she started to stand up. 

"No, let Giles, I want to talk to you real quick before I see him," Willow told her grabbing Buffy's sweatshirt sleeve before she could get up. Buffy looked at her surprised and stayed put where she had been sitting on the floor. 

"Okay…," Buffy answered slowly, looking at her determined friend, unsure what was up. Tara saw that Willow wanted her go which hurt her a little, but she, and Buffy had been friends for years while she was still not close to Buffy. Tara and Giles took Willow's looks at them to leave as their clue to give the two friends some privacy, and went down below. 

Once they were alone Willow told her, "Buffy, I want you to listen and not say anything until I get through, " and she saw Buffy nod and settle down on the floor to listen for a change. "Okay, it's like this, now that Spike's human, you can be nicer to him now. I mean before he was a vamp, and all. But even then I did see how he was trying to help you, and us, but you didn't want to see it. And you wouldn't have believed me if I had said anything to let you know he had been helping. It took a lot of courage for him to ask me to do a spell to get his soul back, and now it's gone all the way and made him human--alive—which I never expected. It's going to be awful hard on him now. He hasn't been human for a long time, and still is probably going to still think like a vampire in some ways. Just think of him as a baby, or like Anya was at first--and still is-who didn't know all the rules any more because she had been a demon for so long. He can be a fairly decent guy when he wants to be, and when 'you' don't piss him off. So what I am saying is give the guy a break now," Willow told her, giving her friend her resolve face. 

"Willow!" she protested, not happy with the lecture. "I'm not that heartless—I'm still in shock of him being human, and alive. This just complicates an already too much complicated situation. I will cut him some slack, I promise. But this is a big turn around for you too," Buffy had to add. 

"Well, not really. I've been doing a lot of thinking on it, especially after Xander, and I ran into him before your Mom's funeral. I could have killed Xander because he was so nasty to Spike." 

"Huh? What happened?" she asked since this was the first she had heard of this. 

"He was coming to your house to leave some flowers. He had heard about your mom, and the flowers were in respect for her. He wasn't even looking to talk, or see you. And there wasn't a card either, and it looked like he had picked them himself. He and Xander got into it pretty bad, and even after Xander shoved him he didn't even try to hit him. All the time he was saying how much he loved, and respected your mom, and that she was the only one that he really cared about as she had always treated him decently, and not like a freak. Xander called him all kinds of names, and said some really awful things—I was totally embarrassed because Spike was trying to be decent, and didn't deserve it, but Xander was being a total ass. And it's then I realized how much we all had hurt Spike, and that he really had been changing, but no one had noticed. Like he watched over your Mom and Dawn, helped you look for Dawn, helped you fight Glory, and other vamps and demons. He's been there for you when the rest of us couldn't. Even you have said he saved your life a couple of times. I just realized how wrong I was about him, how wrong we all have been about him especially these last months," Willow told finishing her speech. 

"He was actually bring flowers for my mom?" Buffy asked, disbelieving. 

"Yeah, they were those daisies, and wildflowers sitting on the porch. I picked them up off the ground, and put them on your porch just like he had wanted to do. Xander wanted to throw them in the trash, but I wouldn't let him. I'm still mad at him over the whole thing.," Willow told her. 

"I was kind of confused when I saw them with no card. They were pretty though. I found them, and put them in a vase on the table. They made me feel good somehow. So that's where they came from," Buffy said, shaking her head, knowing that if he had tried to give her flowers she would have probably acted just like Xander and she felt ashamed now too. 

She really hadn't given him a chance at all since he tried to get the chip out, except when she needed him to help her, and he was her only choice. Then whole sequence of events with his confessing his love, then Dru, and finally getting chained up on Valentine's day, had freaked her out totally. She had known for awhile Spike had feelings for her. She just didn't want to admit to herself it was true, or try to figure out what she really felt about him. He bothered her on a whole lot of levels, and she was afraid to admit, even to herself, she was attracted to him, and did have feelings for him because that would be admitting that she could never have a normal relationship, and that the only men she could be totally in love with were not normal, or even human. Riley had been the closest to normal, and then when he had stopped being her equal, their relationship had really slid downhill. Now she was wondering if Ben was normal, or was he something else too. If he was something other than human, then she was definitely going to know she was doomed. 

Now she had no excuses, no reasons why to ignore Spike. He was human. It was now a completely different ball game all around. Now what? She was asking herself. "Thanks for telling me Willow about the flowers, and what happened. Probably Spike didn't want me know about them, so I won't say anything unless he does. You gonna be okay?" she asked. 

"I'm feeling better already. So you'll at least think about what I said?" her friend asked. 

"Yeah, I will, Wills. I'll cut him some slack. Gee, this will also mean he'll be moving out of the crypt. He can't stay there now, it won't be safe. Like where is he going to live, and how? No job, or anything. And I wonder if the chip is still working? Maybe I'll be nice, and take him to dinner. Wow, he can eat now, no more liquid diet," Buffy said thinking out loud, rambling on nervously as it all began to sink in on what his being human meant. 

She heard some throat clearing from behind her, and realized that Giles, and Spike were behind her. She blushed hotly at what they must have over heard, and she saw amusement in Spike's eyes as she met his. "Dinner, huh? Sounds, like fun pet. I'm looking forward to it," he grinned, not going to let her get out of it easily. 

"I need to check on Dawn. I'll talk to you later, Wills," she said hurriedly, getting up, and then sliding around the two men before making a hasty exit to the safety of the shop below. Behind her she heard Spike laughing and she got even redder. 

When Buffy got downstairs she saw that Dawn was with a customer trying to help them with some books so she ducked into the bathroom to calm down before facing her sister. She didn't need Dawn seeing her blush, and get all unnerved around Spike. How was she going to deal with him now? As a vamp he had bothered her on levels she did so not want to acknowledge--now it was worse--much worse, and he had only been human for less than a hour. She was really going to have to get her hormones in check around him. But she couldn't, shouldn't act any differently around him. He was still Spike, wasn't he? If she did act differently, then what did that say about her? That she could only be happy with someone not normal, someone that shared her darkness, knew what she really was, really felt inside when she was 'hunting', someone like Angel, or Spike? His changing was all too unsettling to her set world view of vampire--slayer--dead vampire, and the only good vampire was one of the souled variety. His changing changed everything she had held as fact and was making all these distinctions way too confusing. Then too, she just wasn't ready for another relationship with anyone--was she? Especially, not her now ex-mortal enemy because could she still call him a mortal enemy when he was no longer a threat? God, the whole thing was making her head swim and giving her a headache. 

Finally, she felt calm enough to come out of the bathroom, and face Dawn. She plastered on a false smile and an air of nothing can faze me--not even Spike and stepped out to face her friends. Dawn was still busy. That was good, more time for her to collect herself, Buffy thought to herself. Buffy approved of Dawn helping in the shop to give her a feeling of belonging rather than just sitting all the time doing school work. The young teenager was very good at talking to people, a helping them find what they really needed instead of what they thought they needed when they had originally come in to buy something. Despite Buffy's inner misgivings of having her little sister exposed to all of these magical things, and thinking of Dawn as a being too young to know about such things, along with being a normal teen, Dawn wasn't, and never would be. She was magical, and Buffy was rapidly finding out that Dawn would find out stuff, and do things whether, or not Buffy, or anyone else approved. She refused to be treated like a baby, and kept in the dark about what she was, or anything else. Her life, her very existence was on the line too, and she wanted to be able to protect herself any way she could. 

Like this afternoon, Buffy and Giles had promised to start teaching her some self defense moves, and begin some weapons training. Since there might be times when she would have to defend herself and there might not be anyone around to do it for her. Dawn hated being helpless. She wanted to know what to do to survive and keep herself out of Glory's hands. The fight at the hospital had really bothered her because she didn't know how to defend, or fight off Glory, or couldn't defend herself from a vampire, or demon attack. This was not a cool thing, and it worried everyone. 

As soon as Dawn was through helping the customer she came over to where Buffy was sitting. "Ain't it cool about Spike?" she asked. 

"Yeah, real cool. That means he's going to be twice as much of a pain in the ass, and the uninvite spell won't work now," Buffy threw back. 

"But he's safe now. I thought you'd be glad about that. Plus he can go places, and do normal stuff now. What-- you're scared of him now?" Dawn asked pushing now with a giggle to her voice only too aware of her sister's interest in Spike well before this. 

Buffy eyed the teen, anger flashing in her eyes. "Me? Scared of him—right! Now I really can hurt him," he added, then switched to a similar subject, "You still want to learn some moves today?" 

"Yeah, sure," Dawn replied, happily surprised as she thought for sure that Buffy would back out, or make some excuse not to show her anything along those lines. 

"Well, come on, and go change into your sweats. I need to train, and while I'm training I'll show you some simple stuff then we'll move up to the more complex moves," Buffy said, getting up, and heading for the workout room before she ran into Spike again. 

"Cool!" Dawn replied as she headed for the restroom to change before following her sister. 

When Dawn got there Buffy was already stripped down to a black sports bra, and workout tights that molded her slender, compact body. Her feet were bare, and she was gracefully moving through a series of martial arts warm up exercises. 

"Okay, I'm here. What do you want me to do?" Dawn asked leaning against the wall watching. 

"Come over here next to me, and see if you can copy what I am doing," Buffy instructed her. 

Dawn watched carefully for several minutes, and then attempted to try, and follow her sister's movements, and only succeeded in tangling her legs up, and falling down on the mat in disgust. "Damn," Dawn grumbled looking up at her and shaking her head. "I'm never going to be able to do that." 

"Don't cuss. Yes, you can. It's not that hard. Come on, get up and try again. It's just like dancing." 

"Well, I can't do that either," Dawn mumbled under her breath, but she did get up, and tried again. This time she succeeded in hitting Buffy in the side of the head when she swung her arms too wide, and ended up knocking her to the floor. "Sorry," Dawn apologized embarrassed to be so klutzy, offering her sister a hand up. 

"That's okay, I've been hit worse. This time move back a little—don't get so close. I thought you took all those ballet lessons. This should be easy," Buffy said not really thinking. 

"In my head I did, but remember it never really happened," Dawn replied, frustrated now. "This isn't going to work. I'm too big of a klutz to do this," she sighed flopping down hard on the mat. 

"No, you're not, luv. You just need practice, and easier exercises. I bet your sis wasn't that good when she started," Spike said from the doorway. He had been watching from the doorway since they had started training, trying to focus on what they were doing instead of Buffy's luscious curves. Buffy was good at fighting, but she was no teacher, and he could see that she and Dawn were both getting frustrated, and this would end up in a fight. He on the other hand could teach. 

"And you're an expert?" Buffy shot back, not happy about him showing up, and pointing out her failings. 

"You could say that. I have been fighting, and doing these kind of moves for close to a hundred years. I'd like to think I'd learned something in that time. You know you can't beat me, or you haven't yet," he challenged taking off his boots, and socks. 

"Sheer luck, that's all it's been. Now that you're human you think you can beat me?" Buffy challenged him, her eyes burning, daring him. She was sure that she could really kick his ass now. 

"That's what both Giles, and I want to find out. We both want to know if I still have all my strength, and abilities, or whether it's gone. I think I still do. In any event I can still give Nibblet some lessons ,so she can start defending herself if she gets jumped by some nasty. Too many of them wandering around, especially at night, right, Lil' Bit?" he asked looking at Dawn and she nodded nervously, and tried not to met Buffy's eyes. 

Buffy frowned at the exchange, but decided she'd ask her sister later what Spike meant. "Okay, Giles wants us to spar? Ohh, this is going to be fun," Buffy smiled evilly thinking that is was going to be all so easy to whip his ass, and settle this once and for all. "Dawn, move out the way, and stay back," she warned her, and the girl went back over to doorway to give them the entire room to fight in. "Okay, Spike, bring it on," Buffy told him as she began her attack. 

End Part 3 

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	4. Part4

souled4

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 4 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

Part 4 

She attacked in a fury of rapid fire blows, and he dodged her easily, defecting with no trouble any that did get past his guard. "Slayer, aren´t you even trying to hit me? I´ve seen you do better when you got jumped by a pack of vamps, and had the soddin´ flu. Old age getting to you already?" he teased her, taunting her, his eyes dancing merrily at her growing frustration with the battle because so far she hadn´t been able to land a single blow on him, or touch him. 

"You—you—grrr—damn, I can´t even figure out what to call you," she growled angrily, and redoubled her efforts, with one quick of her legs which threw him off balance, so that she was able to sweep his legs from under him, and knock him down on his rear. Before she could take advantage of him, he had already bounded up, and was going after her, feigning hits to her head, and body with his lightening fast hands to finally score a hit on her nose, blooding it which staggered her back on her feet a few feet. "You hit me?" she yelped in shocked surprise. Staring at him opened mouthed, shocked that he had been able to do that. 

He looked at her, and grinned, pleased with himself. "Yeah, I guess I did. I can bloody well hit you again. No more bloody chip," he smiled in realization, and with a loud whoop started closing in on her. 

"Ohh shit," she squeaked, and backed away from him only to find herself backed against the vaulting horse. 

Spike smiled in triumph, enjoying her growing confusion, and dismay as she realized she wasn´t going to win this. He was amazed that he was finally cornering her, but he knew it was not going to be that easy, and it wasn´t as she grabbed the handle on the horse, and swung herself up, and then did a flip over his head to try, and land behind him. Already anticipating her move, he had spun on the balls of his feet, and caught her around her waist as she was landing. She grabbed him, and flipped him, thinking she had won, but before she could react he grabbed her feet from under her, and had flipped her down on top of him, and then rolled over, and pinned her beneath him with her hands above her head. 

"You were saying something about beating me?" he questioned with a smirk, enjoying both the feel of her withering body under his as she struggled to get free, and couldn´t, and winning the match. He was now stronger than her, and he had the added advantage of size, and masculine muscles. 

"Let me up you bleach blond whatever you are," she growled, getting madder, and madder at being pinned like this under him, and upset that he had won. 

"Are you going to be good, --if I let you go?" he asked, his voice almost purring, enjoying the game as he looked into the angry and confused hazel depths of her eyes. 

"In your dreams," she growled back, frustrated because she couldn´t figure any way to get him off short of dynamite. And becoming all too aware of his sheer physical presence, and their closeness, and what that was doing to her, and making her feel. Judging from what was poking hard against her stomach through his tight jeans, he was being similarly affected. By her. This was not so good, especially with an audience. 

"I´m sure you know about those, Slayer," he purred, thoroughly enjoying the flush she was getting on her face at his words while at the same time being fully aware of Giles and Dawn looking on so he couldn´t do what he wanted to, and kiss her among other things. 

He really wanted to take her right then, and there, but it was too soon. He was going to have to let the shock of his change sink in, and draw this out. Do thinks right and proper, the human way now. He had learned that lesson well and wasn't going to screw up again. Whatever it took he would do because in the end she was going to be his, and there was nothing to stop him now. Since they had company, he let his eyes doing the talking. Letting his eyes bore into hers with all the waves of emotions he was feeling, letting her know in no uncertain terms that this was far from over, and there would be further discussions on this subject. She met his look with one of her own letting him know it was not going be as easy as he thought it was. And she wasn´t going to discuss it. 

For the benefit of their audience he told her, "but, seeing that I´m a nice guy, and all, and I´ve let you suffer enough—I´ll let you up," he said releasing her hands, and getting off of her quickly before she had a chance to retaliate. He offered her a hand up, but she ignored him, and she stalked angrily over to Giles who had been watching the entire exchange, trying to not give into the fit of laughter that threatened to explode from watching the two battle. 

"So?" her watcher questioned, keeping his amusement to himself. 

"Okay, he still has his strength, and moves," she reluctantly reported, ignoring Spike completely who had wandered over to stand behind her to hear what she thought of his abilities. "And he can hit me, so the chip is either bye bye, or fried. Whether his having my level of strength is permanent, or temporary we won´t know until we see what happens in the next couple of days." Then turning to Spike, "this was just one match and I can still whip your butt anytime, so don't think you've won and can out fight me," she told him her eyes glittering at him. 

"Sure, Summers, whatever you say," he grinned and with a smirk went back to work out and test his abilities out some more. 

"So right now you think he has Slayer abilities?" Giles asked as Spike left them. 

"Or left over vamp. It´s hard to tell. But even as a vampire he wasn´t this strong," she said, rubbing her sore wrists where he had grabbed, and held on to her. 

"Remarkable," Giles commented as he watched Spike who had wandered back over to the mats use the vaulting horse, and hold himself up with one hand vertically above it, and sustain that pose for several minutes before flipping back to the floor gracefully. Then he jumped up, and grabbed the rings from the ceiling, and executed several balancing moves with them like a train gymnast with no seeming effort at all. Even Buffy was grudgingly impressed. 

"Show off," she yelled at him as he was still swinging through the air.. 

"Jealous, pet?" he slung back. 

"No, never. And quit calling me that! I am not your pet—get that through your thick head! Your being human changes nothing—nothing at all," she said disgustedly as she grabbed up her clothes to leave and go change back into them. 

"Right, pet, keep telling yourself that," he said to himself as he watched her go, shaking his head at her bullheaded stubbornness. Landing like a cat on the mats he turned to Dawn who had been watching him with sheer awe in her eyes, "You still want to learn some moves?" he asked, and she brightened up, and quickly came over to join him. 

Giles decided that Dawn was safe with Spike, and he might have better luck teaching her self defense than Buffy could, Giles followed his Slayer to see what had her in such a foul mood. He was not understanding at all what her problem was with Spike. So far he was impressed with Spike´s abilities, and after several tests he was convinced that this change was real, and permanent, and could not be undone. The only thing that had reverted back to his human pre-turning status was his vision. He was going to either have to get glasses, or contacts to correct his far sightedness which he admitted to the Watcher he had suffered from as a human, and even as a vampire. He just hadn´t let anyone see him use a magnifying glass to read with. Not great for the Big Bad image. For the time being he could use one of Giles´ spares to read with, and do close up work with. Tomorrow they would take him to Lens Crafters at the Mall, and get that problem fixed. 

The two men had had a long talk before joining the girls on what would be his new status in the group. And where, and how he could fit in along with practical matters of just living as a human again. Giles had quickly realized that no longer could they treat the former vampire the way they had been since he was now fully human, and had a soul as well as a conscience. There was also the fact that he had real physical needs, and weaknesses. He could be killed just like any of them, but luckily he had some of Buffy´s abilities, making him the male equivalent of a slayer. 

As to the practical side of Spike´s life, Giles was going to let him crash with him until he could get things sorted out. The crypt was no longer an option since even as a vampire he had been on the demon hit list and had lots of enemies now. The danger to him would be much worse. He had been given a gift by the Powers That Be, and Giles wasn´t going to let him killed right off the bat. Nor was staying at Buffy´s another option for a number of reasons. One of which was that the idea of a young man, even though that young man was a hundred plus years older than any of them, living alone with two young women set Giles parental nerves on edge, and he knew full well that Joyce would haunt him if he allowed such a thing to happen. 

Job wise, they weren´t sure what to do with him. Being a bouncer at the Bronze had sounded good, when Spike had suggested it as an idea, but his skills would be needed to help Buffy at night, and that would be when he´d have to work. So that as a job wouldn´t work out. Maybe construction with Xander, or something along that line. Spike made it clear he really didn´t want to hang around, or work at the bookstore. Since he wasn´t confined to being stuck inside during the day he wanted to do something outside, something physical, useful, and he could work with his hands and tools. 

He already had false ID´s because of his car, and having to get around in a human based world. He also let Giles know he wasn´t completely without resources. He just hadn´t wanted to tap into them too heavily in his chipped state. Because that would have meant talking to Angel to free some of them up, and he wasn´t too thrilled about doing that even now. Though he had to admit he would love to see Angel´s reaction to this news. 

As to the Council, they both decided that the less the WC knew what had happened the better. If they found out, or the WC needed to know, since they already knew Spike was working with them, then they would explain, but until then Giles was going to keep silent about it. Not that the Watcher could really explain what had happened—it was all very puzzling still because there was no way it 'should´ have happened—but it had, and they all had to go forward from this somehow. Though he got the impression while talking to Spike that maybe the ex-vampire did know something, or had an idea of how this transformation had been achieved, but he wasn´t willing to shared the information. Though Giles had wondered about a set of fading teeth marks on the man´ left side, but Spike had tossed it off as to not being important, and that he hadn´t gotten a good enough look at the demon to tell him what it was. So the Watcher let the subject drop for the moment. 

They had already agreed that when Giles took Buffy and Dawn home then they would stop by Spike´s crypt, and get his belongings. Outside of his TV there wasn´t that much to move, and it all would easily fit in the car in one trip. Luckily, Giles had a spare guest room in his private quarters above the shop in which Spike could stay. That way the young man could have some privacy away from the business of the shop, and the Scoobies when he needed it. After having Spike as a houseguest before, the adjustment would not be too difficult—he hoped. At least he wouldn´t have to deal with bags, or containers of blood in fridge. But he would have to deal with a young man that had forgotten what it was like to be human, and would have to relearn his body all over again. It was not going to be easy for the ex-vampire for a while. 

What was bothering Giles the most was Buffy´s reaction to all of this. He could not figure her out at all. It was like this was something horrible instead of wondrous and joyful. She was not going to make Spike regret being human again—that he would not allow. It was clear watching both of them interact that there was much, much more going on between the two than he had known about. And it had been going on for quite a while maybe since he got the chip, or longer than that as the Watcher remembered all the instances before the chip that Spike had helped them, or restrained Angelus from harming them. Then there had been the way they had acted together under that spell of Willow´s. He had always wondered how much of their behavior had been the spell, and how much had it been them free to let their real feelings out under the safety of it. Then afterwards neither would speak a word about it, and got angry whenever they were reminded of it. Neither of them had laughed it off, and would get such pained, embarrassed looks, and be stubbornly silent when ever they were questioned on the subject. It had taken several weeks for them to even be comfortable around the other afterwards. When Buffy had started dating Riley the sniping between the slayer and vampire had gotten increasing worse. Then something had changed early this Fall, after Spike had tried to get his chip out, and failed . It had also been roughly around the time Buffy had gone to Spike to ask him how he had killed the other slayers, something had happened that night, but what Giles wasn´t sure. He had never gotten a satisfactory explaination of what had happened that night from his slayer. Maybe he could get what had happened out of Spike now because Buffy was confining less, and less in him, or anyone else. 

Riley´s departure, her Mother´s death, having to take care of Dawn, and a household, school, and Glory´s increasing desparation to get "her Key" were all doing numbers to the young woman. She was determined to prove she could handle it all, and Giles was getting increasingly worried about her. Since her mom´s death she was spending more, and more time patrolling for longer, and longer periods of time. Slaying was her means of taking out her frustrations and pain. She had been doing this more, and more over the last couple of years. Even Spike was worried about this intensive slaying as he had been watching her, and guarding her back for months now, and more so since Joyce´s death. Her ferocity, and the sheer savageness of her killing of demons was becoming more animalistic. It was like she was possessed while she was slaying, and it took her longer, and longer to snap back to reality once the demons were dead. Spike had wanted to tell him this sooner, but since no one was letting him come around, or talk to them he couldn´t. And for that Giles apologized once he heard Spike give him a run down of Buffy´s usual patrols when she thought she was alone. He definitely need to talk to the girl now. 

Tara had gotten Willow downstairs, and the still exhausted young witch was sitting at the study table drinking a cup of herbal tea that the other witch had made for her. At least her color was better, Giles thought. 

"I see you´re doing better, Willow," he inquired as he waited for Buffy to come out from changing her clothes. 

"I think so. At least I can sit up without falling over. Is Spike giving Dawny defensive lessons?" she asked, taking a sip of her tea. 

"I believe so. Buffy was getting her too frustrated, and Spike volunteered. It should be okay," he said, still trying to get used to the idea that Spike was now okay to be around and didn't pose any danger, not that he had before really since his chip. 

"They get along good. And Dawn does listen to him, even Buffy said so," she commented. 

Giles took in that surprising bit of news, and added that to the number of things he need to talk with Buffy about. "That's good. She is so hard to reach sometimes. He does seem to like her doesn't he?" Giles asked Willow and she nodded. 

"Dawn thinks Spike's the greatest. She's got a crush on him. Buffy has had to retrieve her several times from Spike's crypt as she likes hanging out with him because he doesn't treat he like a kid so much, or so she says. She's really happy he's human now," Willow told him. 

"I see, another thing of which I was not aware of," Giles mumbled to himself before speaking to Willow again. "Spike will be staying here, in case you hadn´t heard. I´m going to put him up in the spare room until he figures out what he´s going to do. He´s as shell shocked as we are by this strange turn of events, and it´s not safe for him to stay in the crypt anymore," Giles continued. 

"Not to mention there´s no plumbing or anything," Tara added. "Has anyone thought of getting him anything to drink, or eat? He may not remember that he needs to? I mean it´s been over a hundred years, and with his being a vampire he may have forgotten what it feels like," Tara suggested, trying to be helpful. "If he´s working out with Dawn, he could probably use some water, or something. Want me to go bring him some, and show him where we keep stuff?" she asked. 

"That´s a good idea. At least someone is thinking about this. I haven´t quite got Spike needing food, and drinks fixed in my mind yet, Giles replied as Tara got up, and went to go get some bottled water from the store fridge, and to check on how Dawn and Spike were doing as well as to ask the former vampire about taking some self defense lessons from him for herself since she wasn't any better at defending herself than Dawn was. 

Buffy finally came out of the bathroom, and saw that Tara was checking on Dawn, and came over to where Willow and Giles were sitting, and sat down unhappily with an unreadable expression on her face. Before Giles could get a chance to ask his slayer anything, Anya called him over to help a customer with their selections, so he got up leaving the two friends alone to talk. 

"What´s up Buff-Buff," Willow asked at her friend´s sour look. 

"This whole day—my life—everything," she grumbled. "This whole thing is giving me the willies. Like why Spike, and not Angel if the Powers That Be wanted to turn a vampire human again? Angel deserves to be human, but Spike? Unless I am missing something somewhere?" she said folding her arms across her chest looking towards the workout room. 

"I know Spike isn´t on your most favorite person list, but maybe there is a reason for this, maybe there´s some prophecy, or something at work here. At least he came back strong, and not normal guy strength. You´re not going to have to worry about him like you do Xander, or Riley. And he can fight, and knows weapons. Just look on the plus side he can go out in the sun now, and not burn up, and you don´t have to worry about him biting someone," Willow said enthusiastically. 

"Yeah, there is that," Buffy said grudgingly. "But he´s still his annoying self, getting a soul hasn´t seem to change him that much-- if any. Maybe I was hoping that I´d see some difference, but so far I can´t. That bothers me because it also means he was right all along about everything he said, and I really don´t want to deal with that," Buffy admitted with a sigh. 

"I was hoping I´d see some change too, but you´re right so far Spike is still Spike, except not a vampire anymore. Maybe the changes haven´t kicked in yet—he´s only been alive for what two or three hours now? I thinking he´s doing very well so far," Willow said defending Spike. 

"Yeah, he is, and that´s scary too. Then there´s still this 'thing´ he has for me. That did not go away by the way. He´s already let me know his feelings have not changed any, and that he still wants me. Now I really don´t have any excuses, except he still makes me mad, and he still drives me up the wall," Buffy told her. "I mean before I could say he was a bad, evil vampire, and ignore him—now…it´s not going to be that easy," she admitted, looking down at her hands in her lap, not wanting to meet Willow´s eyes. 

"And you think I´m surprised by this? There has been something between the two of you for years, girl—anyone could see that. My spell didn´t help either. Let´s face it he is cute, and sexy, even as a vamp, now he´s not off limits. Just what are you going to do about it?" the witch asked. 

"Spike? Cute and sexy? Don´t let Tara hear you say that. Okay, yeah, he is… sort of, but if he wasn´t so damned obnoxious, and irritating. Maybe he´ll mellow out. I´m not sure whether I can think of Spike as anything, but a vampire, and someone who knows how to get under my skin. Maybe that´s the part that scares me the most because he knows me sometimes better than I know myself," Buffy told her. 

"And this is a bad thing?" 

"Yeah, …sometimes…he…I," Buffy started to say, and then shut up when she saw the ex-vampire in question, and her sister head their way. 

"Buffy, Spike taught me some really neat moves. He was great," Dawn told her all bubbly, and still flushed from exercising as was Spike. Though he did look a little weak, and shaky as he sat down in a chair. 

"You okay?" Willow asked him concerned. 

He nodded, taking the water Dawn thrust in his hands, and took a couple of swigs, beginning to feel better already before he spoke. "Yeah, I think the term is I over amped. Forgot that human bodies do have limitations, especially when they haven´t eaten. Didn´t you say something about buying me dinner, Slayer?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow. 

"You´re going to have to take a rain check on that. Tonight´s still a school night, and I have to get Dawn home, and fix dinner before I go out on patrol," she told him making plain that she was not inviting him home either. 

He was amused to see how she was squirming out of it. "You cook?" he asked trying to sound impressed as he leaned back in his chair watching her. 

"Not really," Dawn grumbled under her breath as she watched the interchange between the two. 

"I heard that," Buffy said, shooting her sister a nasty look, and ignoring Willow´s and Spike´s snickers "So, I´m learning. I haven´t burned anything this week. I never had to cook before--," she snapped getting up and going to see Giles before she lost her temper completely, or burst into tears missing her mother, and feeling still so lost as she tried to step into her shoes and take care of her family. 

"Geeze, Buffy, I didn´t mean to get you all mad," Dawn tried to apologize, and gave up, shaking her head. "I did it again," she swore, and bounded up to go change her clothes before Buffy bugged her on that too. 

"This pretty typical?" Spike asked Willow, motioning towards the two. 

"Yeah, it´s usually worse though. Buffy´s trying to take care of Dawn, and the house. Before her mom did everything except when Joyce was in the hospital and recovering. It's all still kind of new for her doing all these grown up things. Then she finally heard from their dad. He´ll be coming in sometime next week. But Buffy isn´t looking forward to seeing him. She´s afraid that he´ll want to take Dawn away with him, and he still doesn´t know that Buffy´s the Slayer, or anything else that´s going on," Willow explained, since she figured it was okay for him to now know what was going on. 

"Yeah, I was there when Buffy had to tell her Mum she was Slayer. Joyce freaked to say the least. So her Dad doesn't know at all? I doubt if he'll believe her, or any of us about what is happening," he told the witch remembering how difficult it had been for Joyce to accept even when she had seen a vampire killed before her eyes. "So he's just now hearing Joyce died? He didn´t show for the funeral and all?" Spike asked surprised, not understand how the man could have stayed away. 

"Nope, he didn´t even know about Joyce´s death until two days ago when Buffy´s messages finally caught up to him in France. Seems he was on his honeymoon—that´s why no one could find him. Buffy didn´t know about that either. Now she also has to deal with a new stepmother. A fairly young one, or so I have heard," Willow added unhappy for her friend. 

"No wonder the girl is falling to pieces. She isn´t getting any breaks at all," he commented, looking over to where Buffy was having an animated conversation with Giles. "If she wasn´t so determined to handle it all herself, and let people help," he sighed, not finishing the rest of his thoughts because he could see that Willow understood what he was saying. 

She was still surprised by Spike's real concern about Buffy, and was having to do a lot of mental shifting to process it, but she could also tell he was sincere, and his worry about Buffy was long standing, and not just due to his transformation. He had been concerned about Buffy all these months but no one would believe or listen to him because they had thought because he was a vampire he couldn't care she was just beginning to understand how wrong they all had been. "I know, we all have been trying to help, but she won´t accept it." 

"Somehow we´ve got to make her accept it before she falls apart completely. There´s got to be some way to make this all right for her, and the Nibblet. Just got to figure out what it is," he told her, looking thoughtful.. "I appreciate you filling me in on this, Red. I can understand why no one did before. I could tell there was more going on with her, but she´s not really one for sharing stuff, and neither was anyone else," Willow winced at Spike's words. He was going to say more then decided against it as he watched Buffy come back their way with Giles and Dawn following. 

"Okay, Giles is taking us all to dinner, so I don´t have to cook," Buffy announced, and Dawn did a silent 'thank you´ upward that she was spared Buffy's cooking. Ignoring her sister, Buffy asked, "Wills, you, and Tara are invited if you want to come?" 

"That´s okay, Buffy, maybe another time. I still have finish up some of my reading for class, and work on my reports that are due, then Tara has to get caught up too," she said excusing herself from the dinner party. 

"Okay, thought I´d ask. Xander called, and he´s coming to pick up Anya after the shop closes," she explained to her friend, not adding that he really wanted avoid Spike until he could handle the new situation. Xander had not dealt with the news of Spike being human any better than Buffy had. Then turning to the ex-vampire Buffy told him, "Spike, do you want to pick up your stuff before, or after we go to dinner?" 

"After, I think. Food first. When your stomach starts making growly noises does that mean you need to eat?" he asked innocently, hoping to lighten her grim mood. He knew he was hungry, but he was faking that he didn´t. 

"Yeah, it does," she said shaking her head, and trying not to smile in spite of herself. "Let´s go, Spike," she told him, indicating it was time to go, and he got up to follow her. "Talk to you later, Wills," she told her friend, and they left to take Spike for his first real meal in over a hundred years. 

End Part 4   
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	5. Part 5

Souled 5

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 5 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

Part 5 

It was around six when they left the shop, and light out. It was still hard for Spike to step outside without instinctively flinching back from the sunlight after a century plus of avoiding the sun´s rays. At any moment he expected this miracle to wear off suddenly. He couldn´t yet accept that this was to be really permanent for the rest of his life. He looked suspiciously at the low hanging sun peeping over the buildings across the street before he cautiously he stepped out on the sidewalk in front of the shop. Dawn, and Giles, who hadn´t seen him in the light before, were in total awe as the ex vampire walked to the car with them fully bathed in the golden light with no harm whatsover. With each step he grew more confident that his turning human was not a dream, and it really had happened. Now that it had happened, he was not regretting this at all. Last year all he wanted was to be a bad assed vampire again. Now he wanted this precious gift, and he was determined to fully enjoy, and appreciate it. He had a chance to make up for all the horrible things he had done, and he fully intended to do so. 

"Wow! It really is true! You are normal now!" Dawn said looking him over, and shaking her head. "I mean, yeah I saw you in the workout room, and all, but it was like still inside. And you were breathing, and sweating, but seeing you out here and no flames--. This is just so neat!" she added blushing because she knew she was going on, and on. 

"Believe me, I understand," he grinned, letting her get in first before he climbed into the back seat of Giles´ car. "I am still having a hard time adjusting to all of this. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine this bloody well happening—at least not to me. Everything has changed. I really am a new man," he said, watching in wonder as the sun rays played across his pale flesh. "One thing I really want to get is a tan, so that I´ll look normal, and I won´t be mistaken for a vampire any more," he added, leaning back against the seat of the open convertible, just enjoying letting the wind whip in his face, and feel his body finally feel every sensation in ways it hadn´t done in years. 

"Yeah, you are pretty pale, maybe we can all go to the beach, or something," Dawn suggested. 

"I plan on it. Now I can do things I couldn´t." 

"In a lot of ways you´re lucky. I can´t remember when I became human, but it just has to be totally weird one minute you´re a vampire, and the next your human. I would have been wiggin´," she said. 

He glanced over at her, and smiled, "ohh, I´m still doing my fair share of that, Nibblet. There are so many things I had forgotten what they really felt like," he said more to himself than to her, still trying to sort out the differences in sensations between what he had consider normal as a vampire, and what his now alive body was feeling. 

As a vampire he had been strangely numb, yet hypersensitive to some things. His awareness of himself, and the world around him as a vampire had been greatly altered once he had been turned, so that he could be a successful predator. As a vampire all his senses, and instincts had been geared to the hunt, and for self indulgence. Part of his vampiric awareness levels were still there it seemed, but not as acutely as they had been. He had to concentrate, focus, and block other sensations out, but he could still hear the other´s heartbeats. It was surprising to him that he could still tell, and know they were human rather than demon like he had been able to do as a vampire. Even with Buffy he was still aware that she was more than human. He knew she was always aware when there were vampires, and demons near her. Were their senses now similar, or the same? He was really hoping they would be able to compare notes. Though at present he wasn´t holding out too much hope for that because she was still trying her best to ignore him, and treat him like she had always done. 

"So any ideas where anyone wants to eat?" Giles asked, hoping someone had an idea and it didn´t cost an arm and leg like some meals he had taken Buffy out on. 

"Pizza Palace?" Dawn asked hopefully from the back seat, and got groans from the others, including Spike. 

"Denny´s" Buffy suggested, wanting cheap, fast, and non alcoholic if possible. 

"How about Applebees," Giles suggested as a compromise as he did need a drink after this day. Dawn shrugged it was okay with her, and Buffy nodded, while Spike looked unsure. This was definitely unknown territory for him. The only food he was familiar with that wasn´t from the grocery store came from either the Bronze, or Willy´s. And even by human standards neither served that great of food. "Okay, Applebees it is," Giles told the group, and drove the car over to the Sunnydale Mall where the restaurant was. 

They parked and went in. The dinner crowd was just starting so they didn´t have too long a wait for a table this time. Buffy and Spike both stiffened as they felt the presence of demons in the crowd. All the customers looked seeming human, but Spike recognized a few ex crony´s faces over in the dark corners of the bar away from the windows that were still catching the last of the setting sun´s rays. The vampire´s looked up when he, and Buffy walked past them to get to their table. The demon´s eyes narrowing dangerously at first, then they became puzzled as if they couldn´t figure out what was wrong. The demons went into conference mode talking among themselves gesturing in the group´s direction. 

They sat down at one of tables that had high stool like chairs. Spike sat with his back to the window with Dawn on one side, and Buffy on the other while Giles had his back to the room. The perky waitress left them all menus, and took their drink orders. At least Spike could figure out what to drink—that was fairly easy—a beer after he heard Giles order one. Yeah, he needed one too. But the soddin´ menu was almost beyond him as he squinted at it with one eye trying to focus on the blurry writing. He was going to have to wear glasses again, no way out of it this time. Then he had no clue what anything was, or might taste like outside of a few of the appetizers, but he didn´t want to ask anyone—he did have his pride still. 

"Need help, Spike?" Dawn asked, watching him puzzle over what to get. 

He looked at her gratefully, "yeah, I don´t know what half this stuff is. What are you getting?" he asked knowing that Buffy wasn´t going to be any help. Her attention was divided between what she was ordering, and keeping an eye on the vamps discussing them over in the far corner. Giles was also now aware of the other group too. 

"A burger with Swiss, and some fries, nothing major," she said, trying to figure out what had all the grown ups distracted. Everyone looked okay to her, but then she didn´t have slayer senses either to tell the difference. 

"That´s sounds like a deal. I think I can handle that. They didn´t have burgers when I was around before," he told her, glad to have figured out something to eat he sort of knew what to expect. 

"No, burgers, really? That´s weird. I figured they had been around like forever," she said surprised. 

"Nope, just something they came up with this century if I remember rightly. Now you can´t go anywhere without seeing some version of it," he replied to Dawn, then he turned to Buffy, "they still just sitting there?" he asked, getting her attention. 

"Yeah, but they are really checking us out. Know them?" she asked in a low voice, as she took a sip of her water since the waitress hadn´t brought their drinks yet. 

"Yeah, it´s Slim Mick, and Dire Hannah. Don´t know who the other three are. They used to run with Harmony´s rejects. They know who we are, but I´m confusing them no soddin´ end," Spike smirked, leaning over towards her as he kept his voice just as low. 

"Is that what their problem is? I wondered. They wouldn´t be stupid enough to jump us, would they?" she asked hoping that their dinner would be peaceful, and she wouldn´t have to fight until later. 

"Nah, they´re a bunch of pansies. Lots of talk, no real muscle, or brains. But I am getting increasing grateful to Giles for letting me crash with him. The word is going to be quicker out on the street than I expected. I had hoped I´d have a couple of days grace," Spike told her. 

"So what´s you´re saying it that they are really going to be gunning for you," Giles asked, having heard most of the conversation. 

"You might say that. I was in deep sh--," and looked over to Dawn, and decided to watch his language before Buffy made him. "As I was saying, I have been on everyone´s list since I got chipped and started associating with you lot. My being human now makes me in their mind fair game to turn, or kill. They are also going to be figuring that I won´t be able to fight any of them. If they can turn me, then I´ll be their minion, not vice versa. In any event, my master vamp status is all shot to bloody heck," he finished, and Buffy and Giles nodded in understanding. "Now if I fight anyone, and win then they´ll back off, and think real hard on the subject. It´s all a matter of power, and bloody respect." 

"Yeah, unfortunately," Buffy grumbled understanding all too well what he was saying and hoped it wouldn´t come to battle in here. So far the vamps were just sitting there watching and probably either waiting for the sun to finally set so they could leave or waiting until they left or both. If their watchers had any sense they would live first so there wouldn´t be trouble. Neither Spike, or Buffy were betting this group had that kind of brains, or survival skills. 

The waitress finally came with their drinks, and took their orders. Spike immediately noticed that he couldn´t just slug down his drink as he normally would as the alcohol was hitting him hard on his empty stomach. After the first three swallows he slowed down, then stopped all together. If there was going to be trouble he wanted a clear head. When the waitress came by he ordered a coffee, and stayed with that, leaving the beer alone much to both Buffy and Dawn´s relief. 

While they waited the talk revolved around school for both Buffy and Dawn. Buffy let them know she was going to be dropping out soon because she needed to work at the gallery, and be home more now that her mom was gone. Spike was sort of surprised about that. 

"I thought you got a salary, being the Chosen One, and all from the WC," he asked, looking from her to Giles. 

"I afraid not. The Council only pays Watcher´s, and the Watcher´s take care of their slayers out of that. They are just now reimbursing me for the last couple of years without pay, and out of that I am helping Buffy make ends meet. Joyce left a little, and the girls are still getting child support from their father, but it´s difficult. Without the shop it would be worse, I´m afraid," being totally candid with Spike. 

Spike was shocked nevertheless, he had always assumed that Slayer got paid for slaying. "Sounds like the WC are bloody cheap so and so´s," he commented, taking a sip of coffee, and wishing he could smoke. 

"They are. She has the most dangerous job, and yet, they don´t really provide for her all her needs. In the old days, medical care was not as expensive, now it´s bloody bad. Her mother, and I had to do some maneuvering to make sure she was covered in case she had any serious injuries because of slaying," Giles informed him. 

Spike blanched, realizing for the first time what being a slayer meant from the other human side. All these years his goal as vampire had been to seriously hurt the slayer, and her friends, not seeing, or caring what the results would be medical wise, or recovery wise if she survived. Vampires went off and healed themselves. Humans, and slayers sometimes couldn´t without outside help. Being human, and gaining greater access to his soul, and formerly repressed feelings, Spike was understanding more, and more how really precious life was and the gift he had been given. 

Turning to Buffy, he looked at her, and saw not the slayer, his enemy, but the very human young woman she really was. He felt grief, and sorrow at how his actions over the last years towards her, and her friends had hurt them. "I´m sorry, Buffy for all the bloody grief I gave you. I really didn´t know it was this tough on you. Damn, I know I´m sounding like my pounce of a sire, but I mean it. Yeah, a bleeding soul, and a warm body does kind of change your perspective on the world real fast," he told her, meaning every word. 

Buffy raised an eyebrow, and looked back at him, shocked, still having a hard time believing him, but trying to at least give him the benefit of a doubt. "I hope so," she replied, and glad to see the waitress coming with their food so this conversation wouldn´t get any heavier. "Food´s up," she announced changing the subject on purpose. She was all so not ready to deal with this human Spike yet. 

At least Spike knew how to eat a burger, and fries as he dove into it with no hesitation. He just wasn´t used to the differences in taste and texture he was now experiencing. He had been eating food off, and on for years, but somehow it all tasted different, richer, more real. Mindful that it was his first full meal in over a century he took it slow instead of wolfing it down which was his first instinct. He followed his companion´s lead to stopping, and taking a drink along with it. Though it began to dawn on him that there was a limit to how many fluids a body could hold before one had to get rid of them. Excusing himself he went back to the men´s restroom. He wasn´t totally lost of what his body was signaling though Giles did raise an eyebrow in inquiry in case he might need 'instructions´. Spike was sure he could handle this alone. Giles was very relieved. Retraining a vampire to use his human body was definitely not covered in the Watcher´s manuals. 

Unfortunately, the men´s restroom was next to where the group of vampires was still sitting and watching them. Spike ignored them, and went on. They on the other hand did not ignore him. A minute or so after Spike had gone in Slim Mick, and a companion followed Spike in. Managing to take care of his business despite a very confused audience who only knew him as a vampire, Spike zipped up his pants, and faced the waiting vamps. "Find something interesting, gents?" he asked, daring them to try something. 

"What the fuck are you?" asked the nameless vampire, sniffing the air, and not comprehending Spike´s altered scent. 

"You are Spike? Harmony´s old man aren´t you?" asked Slim Mick, uncertain now who, or what he was facing. The guy looked like the peroxide blonde vampire, talked like him, but he was giving off every indication he was human, and maybe a slayer on top of it all, and as far as he knew there weren´t any male slayers—ever. Something was definitely off here. 

"Yeah, I´m Spike. But I was 'never´ that bint´s old man. I do think you have insulted me, mate," Spike sneered back, tensing up as he waited for them to try and jump him. 

"But Spike´s a vampire—you´re a puny human!" the nameless one shot back, confused, but not unnerved enough to back away. Instead his not that great looking face was morphing into his even uglier game face. 

"Things change, mate," Spike grinned, and before the two could jump him, he launched himself at them. He took them down easily, before they could react with uppercuts to their chins. They feel boneless to the tiled floor. Seeing a mop in the corner, he grabbed it, broke in half, and staked them into dust. Feeling very satisfied with himself, he left the restroom with a slight bounce to his step only to run into Buffy who was hovering worriedly outside. 

Buffy looked embarrassed to be there, once she saw he was all right. "I..I thought you might need help. I saw them get up, and follow you," she quickly explained, to his amusement. 

"I´m touched, really, Slayer. Everything´s all taken care of, no problem on either count. Just dust in the wind, and the plumbing works just fine," he added, enjoying the deep red blush creep up her face. 

"Ohh," she said her mouth making a round circle, as she looked at him finally catching what he meant. Mortified, she turned on her heels, and fled into the ladies. 

Spike debated whether to wait for her, but decided it would be safer for him to go back. He knew he shouldn´t had said it to her, but he hadn´t been able to resist. He knew she would pay him back somehow for that remark. The other vampires were still sitting at the table waiting for their friends to return. He stopped and leaned over so they could hear him. "Your friends are dust, and if you don´t wanna be, I would suggest that you all think about leaving soon," he told them sincerely, ignoring their glares. 

"And why´s that, turncoat?" asked one of the males, eyeing him becoming as confused as the other ones had been about his scent, and vibes. 

"Because if the Slayer doesn´t kick your ass, I will," he warned, his voice dripping with menace. 

"Yeah, right. You? You´re human—aren´t you?" asked the remaining male, and an ex dope head by the look of him, lounging back in his chair unworried. 

"Maybe…," Spike baited, itching for them to try him. He didn´t get a chance to push them further as he felt Buffy come up behind him, and put her hand on his shoulder, and squeeze it not so gently in warning to back off. 

"Ahh guys, not that I wouldn´t mind a little action, but if you don´t want to join the dust busters club—leave—now," she emphasized with a sweet smile as she glared down at the remaining vampires. 

They all got the hint finally, and hastily got up and left, scooting past Buffy and Spike who watched them go to make sure they left. 

"Ah gee, and I was just thinking about having desert," he quirked, faking a pout at her. 

She just glared back at him, and shook her head, "come on, Dawn and Giles are probably getting worried," she told him as she walked back to the table with him following. 

"Everything okay?" Giles asked as they sat back down. 

"Two down, the other three left, and are out of our hair for the moment," Buffy replied. 

"That´s good. Spike, you seem like something´s on your mind. They didn´t give you any problems?" Giles asked, looking at the former vampire´s thoughtful expression. 

"No, no problem. But whatever has happened to me has them all as confused as us. I am coming across to their senses just like Buffy. It was throwing the lot of them," he told the watcher. "So it seems my earlier suspicions weren´t that bloody far off. Anything in those books of yours on this? Not that I´m complaining mind you. Being a bloody human was more than I expected, but being a slayer —it´s beginning to weird me out more than I bloody am," he confessed uncomfortably folding his arms across his chest.   
.   
"I just think it´s neat. Buffy won´t have to worry about you like Xander, or anyone else. And you can really help her now," Dawn bubbled happily at him, ignoring her big sister´s wanting to kill her looks. 

"Yeah, I can—if she´ll let me," he replied to Dawn while looking back at Buffy hopefully, who was frowning at both of them still. 

"We´ll see," was all Buffy could manage to say on the subject. She then switched gears to ask Giles, "Are we all about ready to go? Wasn´t there something about getting Spike´s stuff tonight? I still need to stop by the grocery store on the way home, and do patrolling later on.," she added tiredly. 

"I can always get the stuff tomorrow, but knowing Hannah she´s going to go flapping her trap, and I wouldn´t be surprised if I get visitors at the old homestead to check out if the rumors are true. In that case there might not be that much to move once the lot of them get through," Spike told her, letting her know where he stood. 

"Fine, we´ll get your junk first," she shot back, grumbling under her breath about ex vampires, and certain people being pains in the asses no matter what they were. 

Giles just shook his head at both of them. He had hoped that Spike´s being human would have eased the seemingly on going tension, and bickering between the two blondes, but so far there had been little change. Things appeared to be edgier than usual between them. "Well, we´re paid for, so we might as well leave," he told them, they all got up out of their chairs more than ready to go. Buffy walked with Giles, while Dawn stayed with Spike as they went out to the car. 

Before they left the parking lot, Giles put the convertible´s top up because it had cooled down as well as for safety purposes before they headed for the cemetery, and Spike´s crypt. Giles and Dawn waited in the car while Buffy reluctantly went with Spike to get his belongings he wanted to take to Giles´. 

"We shouldn´t be too long, Giles," Spike reassured him as they were leaving the car. 

"I hope not. I still have to stuff to do tonight," Buffy told her companion as she rapidly walked ahead. 

Spike held his temper for as long as he could as he tried to keep up with her, and finally had to let it out. "You´re really in a mood, Slayer. You´ve been a real bitch all day. I would have thought that my being human would have improved your lovely disposition. What the hell is your bloody problem?" he asked point blank as they neared the door to his crypt. 

"Just everything!" she shot back, purposely not answering his questions as she threw his door open with a huge bang. 

"That´s no soddin´ answer!" he threw back at her, shaking his head. "What the Hell am I doing wrong this bloody time?" he asked, really wanting an answer. 

"Nothing. Not a thing!" she replied, moving out of his way as he went past her, and slid the lid off the sarcophagus to the floor nosily with a loud bang. He reached in, and retrieved a large duffel bag he had stashed inside for safe keeping. 

"Well something sure has your knickers in a knot." He glared back at her, then opened up the entrance to the underground chambers beneath his crypt. "So far this has been the best day of my life, and for some unknown reason you seem determined to be pissed at me. I´m not going to let you get to me, Summers. You want to be a bitch—fine do it. But I´m through playing games. I got a whole life before now, and I´m not going to blow it," he told her before he climbed down the ladder to relieve his clothes. 

Buffy stood there a moment, shaking from the effects of his anger. Calmer, but not calm finally she went over, and flopped heavily in his worn chair ignoring the clouds of dusts that billowed up. She still didn't want to admit that his words had smarted, and hurt because they were true. She had tried to ignore him, and his words like she usually tried to do, but she somehow this time she just couldn´t. Yeah, she knew she was being terribly unfair to him, and was cutting him less slack than she normally did. Why? Even she wasn´t sure, except she was scared now. Scared of him. Not I'm in danger, he´s going to kill me scared, but scared he has a real chance of getting close to me scared. He had gotten under her skin bad enough as a vampire. Before she could have brushed him off with a thousand, and one excuses. Now it was not going to be that easy to keep him at bay. She knew he still loved her, and that hadn´t changed with his transformation if anything that made the danger to her heart and raging emotions even worse. He was her equal in all ways, and she was not handling it at all. 

End part 5 

  
  


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	6. Part 6

Souled 6

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 6 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

Part 6   
  


After about ten, fifteen minutes Spike finally emerged from the lower recesses of his soon to be former crypt. He really wasn´t going to miss this place too much. Even for a vampire it had been a tad bit stark, and lacking in amenities. Though he had added a dorm fridge for his beer, and blood, a garden house to wash off with, and had run a power cord from the nearest house to the cemetery for his TV, and lamp. He wasn´t going to miss any of it. He saw no point in taking the bedroom suite below, and the other furniture he had acquired. It had all been salvaged from the dump, or off the curb of the streets before the garbage trucks could get it. Nay, let some other homeless demon have the place, and good riddance. He didn´t have to live in the shadows, now he could full be in the sun. And he was damned if he was going to let miss high, and mighty slayer put him down, or rain on his parade. 

When he climbed out of the hole he saw that Buffy had fallen asleep, or at least had closed her eyes. 'Good, she probably needed to´, was his first thought. He came closer and saw that their were still traces of tears on her face. Had they been over him, or something else entirely, he wondered. Considering her earlier mood he decided not to press his luck by asking the source of her misery. 

But they did need to get going. The Watcher and her sis still sitting in the car would be beginning to worry, he knew. "Buffy, luv, time to go. I´m all packed," he said keeping a safe distance back. He had learned over the years that waking up the slayer was a job you did cautiously if you wanted to stay intact. 

No, response. Not even a twitch. Okay, Plan B. 

"Buffy, come on girl, time to rise and shine. We´re done here. Wake up," he said a bit more loudly, then came over and touched her shoulder. The hazel eyes flew open in alarm, and then focusing on him relaxed. 

"Spike, ohh, it´s you. Did I crash out?" she asked shaking her head, and sitting up a bit straighter. 

"Hard and heavy it looked like. Must have needed to," he told her, staying where he was, and getting a good look at the circles under her eyes, and how tired she really was. 

"I guess," she shrugged. "Got everything?" she asked, remembering why they were there. 

"Yeah, everything that´s worth anything. The rest I´m leaving for whoever. Too bad I can´t charge rental for all the improvements," he added. "If you´ll carry the bag, I´ll get me TV. Doubt if the Watcher has a spare to loan, and bloody human, or not I´m not giving up my shows. Though if I´m working I´ll probably have the tape the buggers," he grumbled, sliding past her. 

Buffy frowned, then shook her head at him, trying not to grin at his obsession with television shows. She stood up as he went over, and picked up a couple of things he had lying on his side table to toss them into the big duffel bag. She didn´t get a good look at them, but it looked like a pair of glasses, a college notebook, and a couple of dog-eared paperbacks. Then he bent over, and unplugged the TV from the orange extension cord and wrapped up the cord for carrying. 

Getting a good hold on the old 21" set, he looked at her. "Get the door, luv, and grab the bag and we´re out of here," he told her heading for the door. 

Quickly, she did get the bag, and manage to beat him to the door, and open it as he went up the narrow steps leading outside. Buffy followed and they walked back to the car. Almost to the car both of them sensed the presence of vamps before they saw them come out of the hedges by the gate. It was Hannah, and the two males who had been in the restaurant plus three others. Evidently, they had been waiting for them as they stepped out, and blocked Spike and Buffy´s path. 

"Moving out, Spike?" one of the ones Buffy didn´t recognize from before asked with a sneer, going into game face. 

"Yeah, what´s it to you, Spade?" Spike shot back. "Think you lot would be glad of my moving on." 

"In a dust buster we had hoped it´d be. I see Hannah wasn´t pull our leg—you are human now. Love to know how you managed to pull that trick." 

"Ahh guys, Slayer here, in case you hadn´t noticed," Buffy informed them setting Spike´s bag down on the sidewalk, and pulling out two stakes. 

"Shit, Slade it is the Slayer," one of the other vampires said recognizing Buffy now. "You didn´t say we´d be running into her." The vampire protested backing away. 

"Who do you think Spike was running with dumbshit?" Slade glared as he told his minion. "You are brainless," he added hitting the other up side their head. 

"Got that right," Buffy said springing into action, and dusting the vampire that had been trying to leave. She then turned, and pounced on another before it too could leave. "Slade, if that is your name, we can do this either hard or easy—leave, and I´ll let the rest of your crew go, or stand here, and annoy me, and get dusted—your choice." 

"You´re protecting Spike?" Slade asked, incredulously. 

"Yeah, I am. So I gather that your answer is no?" she asked, shaking her head. 

"No, we´re going," Slade said, and before Spike could move the big burly vampire swung a booted foot, knocking the TV out of Spike´s arms with a loud crash, then for meanness to finish it put his foot through the screen. 

Spike looked shocked for one minute, "What the bloody bleedin´ hell! My fucking telly—you bloody pullock—You´re beyond dead!" and with a roar of rage he went after the vampire who had killed his TV. He was hitting him with both fists, pummeling the downed vampire repeatedly until the guy´s face was a bloody pulp. He felt someone try, and jump him, but evidently Buffy got them as the weight disappeared and he was covered in dust. "Give me a stake, luv," he told her and one appeared in his hand, and Slade was no more. Spike sat back shakily on his knees, and looked around. They were all alone now. "I take it you got them all?" he asked, wiping his bloody knuckles off on his pants. 

"All gone. I take it you knew the guy?" she asked helping him stand. 

"Former minion of Angelus´. Always hated the bastard. Kept trying sniff around Dru when I was down, and me sire was off tormenting you all. I´ll been trying to get rid of the lot from the factory days. But there are still a few like Slade that have managed to keep out of reach until now," he explained. 

"So you´ve been the one picking off the older vampires? I had been wondering why all I kept coming across was fledglings," Buffy commented, eyeing him speculatively. 

"Just doing it because I was bored, and trying to make Sunny-D a little safer for the kiddies," he said not really wanting to talk about his activities over the past months. He got up, and went over to look down at his smashed TV. "Damn, can´t have anything soddin´ good around here. That´s a total loss. Let´s get out of here, and get you home. I´ll deal with this mess later," he told her picking up his bag and heading for the cemetery gate. 

Buffy fell into step behind him, as the walked the short distance to Giles still parked car. Giles´ looked relieved at their approach. "Are you all right. I heard fighting?" he inquired. 

"Some vampires tried to jump us. Some of the bunch from earlier, and reinforcements. They had a grudge against Spike," she said as Giles got out to open the truck to put Spike´s bag in. 

"Yeah, they smashed my telly, damn soddin´ pullocks. Now I´ve got to get another. Yours is still working, mate?" Spike asked Giles and saw a slight shocked nod. Spike climbed into the back seat waking up Dawn as he settled in his seat. 

"You guys were gone long enough," the girl said sleepily opening one eye then closing it as she settled back the seat trying to get comfortable again by leaning her head on Spike shoulder which he didn´t mind in the least. 

"Couldn´t be helped. Former mates of mine had to give us grief as we were leaving, no big. We´ll get you home soon," he reassured the sleepy teenager. 

"Good," Dawn mumbled, and closing her eyes as she snuggled against him tuning everyone out. 

"Giles, just stop at the Circle K for a minute, and I´ll run in, and get milk for in the morning, we can pass on grocery," Buffy let him know. So Giles drove them to the nearest quickie mart, relieved that it was a couple of hours at the grocery store as it could have been. 

Buffy had not expected Spike to get out, but he did. While she picked up some milk, bread and some snack stuff. He picked up some Marlboros, and a six pack of beer. "See you´re still sticking to old habits," she commented as she waited for him to pay for his purchases, wondering where he had gotten the cash from, but deciding not to ask. "Those things really 'can´ kill you now," she added. 

"No kidding, Slay—Buff," he caught himself. "After what´s happened to me today you´d think you´d be a bit more understanding. My whole world view has been turned upside down. Like to see you do any different." 

"Five, twenty-eight," the clerk told her ringing Buffy´s purchases up looking back, and forth between the two blondes. 

"Okay, I get the point. I´m not your momma," Buffy said, continuing her conversation with Spike as she handed the clerk her cash, ignoring the clerk´s amusement at their bickering. 

"No, you´re not, and for that I am very grateful," he said, and left what he was thinking about her in his head before he got himself in further trouble. Any other comments he was going to make were cut off by her glare as she grabbed up her purchases, and stalked back to the car. He followed her, and just shook his head because she still had to wait for him to get in before she could. 

They finally arrived, everyone, but him got out. He decided to wait in the car because he could tell she was glad to get rid of him, and wasn´t going to be offering an invite in. While Spike waited he popped a top on one of the beers, and took a couple of sips to calm his nerves down. After a couple of minutes Giles came back, and opened his door, "As late as it is getting I suggested to Buffy that you two go do rounds while I´m here, and Dawn can go ahead, and get to bed. That way I don´t have to come back later for her to do patrol," Giles told him. 

"She still wants to do patrol—with me?" Spike asked unsure, lowering his beer to the floorboard. He didn´t think Giles would be too happy about his drinking in his new car. 

"She was not very keen on the idea, but you are here, and I dislike her doing it alone," Giles told him. "This will also give you a better idea of how your new body is functioning. And take the opened beer with you," he added looking at the former vampire. 

"Right," Spike flushed embarrassed, finding out he could blush after all. He drained the beer, grabbed a pack of smokes, and stuck them in his pocket, and then put the empty can in the bag under Giles´ watchful eyes before getting out. 

Even when Spike had been a vampire, Giles had still had a hard time thinking of him as anything, but his apparent physical looking age, that of someone around his early twenties. The former vampire may have been over a hundred plus years, but he still acted no older than Buffy, or any of the others. Now he was going to have to help the new human adjust to living again. Though he was desperately hoping that it wouldn´t be as difficult job as it was getting Anya to do so. Spike had at least been pretending to be mortal, and blend in thus he had more of a handle on things than the thousand year old ex demoness. Still, surrounded by all these young people who looked for him for guidance, Giles felt more like the director of a kindergarten than anything else. Though he was seeing signs of growing maturity here and there among them. 

"Buffy went upstairs to change, so it´ll be a couple of minutes before she is ready." Giles told him conversationally as Spike got out and they walked back to the house. Spike stopped briefly to light a cigarette, and took a draw on it, and began choking, and hacking much to his embarrassment. Giles just grinned. 

"Damn, looks like I am going to have to give 'em up after all," Spike said wiping the tears from his eyes, and ignoring Giles´ amused expression as he crushed the cigarette out on the sidewalk then picked it up so Buffy wouldn´t yell at him. "What no comments?" 

"Oh, I could, but you´re doing well enough on your own. Everyone would be grateful if you didn´t smoke, but that´s your choice. You got dealt a brand new body, a new beginning all around, but what you do with it is up to you. So far you seem to be handling the change all right, or have I missed anything?" Giles asked as they sat down on the porch to talk. 

"I think I´m handling it okay. It´s all so new, and unexpected, but contary to everyone's opinions I am not regretting this. You´d think I would after being what I was for so bloody long. Thing was I was already going in this direction on my own. I´ve been straddling both worlds so long that I didn´t realize until recently how 'human´ I had been becoming, and how much I was envying the lot of you being able to go, and do things whenever you wanted to, and not have to worry about the sun and getting staked. The only thing I was worrying about is if I was human that I couldn´t help the Slayer, and the kid against this Glory bitch—I´d be more fucking useless than I was. Seems that isn´t going to be a problem which is a blessed relief," Spike said truthfully. 

"Yes, it is a relief, and totally unexpected. But I do want you to be cautious out on patrol. This may only be a temporary thing as the vampire elements work their way out of your system, or it could be permanent--- we just don´t know yet. I will start looking through the books, and see if anything like this has ever occurred. I still can´t understand what did happen—are you sure you don´t have any ideas on the subject?" Giles questioned. 

Spike blinked a couple of times, knowing that the man was watching him. "Yeah, I do Watcher, but I don´t want to get the kid in trouble or myself…." 

Giles frowned at him trying to understand and then it hit him—the Ghora demon. He had wondered where Dawn had gotten the egg for the restoration ritual from. "You and Dawn? That´s where she got the egg from? You helped her?" 

Spike hung his head, "yeah, I did. She was out by her mum´s grave getting dirt when I ran into all by herself. Didn´t even know I was there until I spoke. Tried to get her to go home, and forget about the soddin´ spell, and the whole idea of bring her mum back, but she was so determined to do it….Anyways, I took her to this guy I knew of name of 'Doc´ figuring he´d be able to talk some sense into her head that raising the dead weren´t no good idea," Spike explained, feeling the Watcher´s anger. "I mean I did try to talk her out of the whole bit but she wouldn´t listen, and I wasn´t about to let her going running around out here at night by herself." 

"So you took her to this 'Doc´—then what?" Giles demanded, reining in his temper. 

"He tried talking to her too, but she was determined to bring her Mum back, so he gave her some instructions, and told her she had to get an egg of the Ghora demon to make it work. Then he told us where to find it. Then we left and went to find the beastie. The whole time going there I tried to talk her out of it, but she´s as stubborn as the Slayer is," Spike sighed, wishing he had tried harder, or just knocked the girl out and brought her home. 

"Yes, I´m aware of Dawn´s similarities to her sister," Giles grudgingly admitted. "So you found the demon´s lair?" 

"We did. Unfortunately, the momma was guarding her eggs which meant I had to go in, and distract it while she grabbed an egg. I didn´t want her even going in there, but she made it clear she was going to whether, or not and with the soddin´ chip I couldn´t stop her, so I was sunk," Spike admitted in defeat. 

"So you got the egg and left?" 

"Wish it had been that easy. No, she dropped the first one, and she made it clear she wasn´t leaving without an egg, so we had to go, and do it again, and the beastie was mad now. I had a bloody axe, but I couldn´t get in a bit, and then she got through my defenses, and bit me hard in side," he said lifting his shirt to show the Watcher the remains of the bite marks on his side. "But the Nibblet got her egg, and we was out of there. She didn´t know I got hurt as bad as I did. But we made it back to her house, and saw her get in then I went back home. I got most of the beastie´s slime off of me, but she got me good and deep. Think that might be the cause of my turning human?" Spike asked suspecting that the bite did have a lot to do with what had happened to him. 

"Possibily, since the Ghora demon eggs do restore life to the dead. It would make sense that the demon itself had life giving properties. I will look into it," Giles said thoughtfully. "Still I can´t condone what you and Dawn did—it was extremely dangerous. What if you both had gotten hurt, or killed?´ 

"You think I didn´t think about that Watcher? I didn´t want to do it, but I wasn´t going to let her go, and do it on her own, and I couldn´t stop her anymore than I could have stopped the Slayer from doing something when she gets it in her mind to do something. You don´t have to much luck either in that department, so don´t get all down on me. The bottom line was I got her back home safe, and sound. And none of you knew anything at all about this until now," Spike defended. 

"Know about what?" Buffy asked opening the door, and coming out on the porch looking at both of them questioningly. Dawn was behind her looking worriedly at Spike hoping he hadn´t spilled the beans, and guessing he had by the looks Giles was giving her. 

"Nothing important, Buffy, just Spike adjusting to being human," Giles covered seeing that Buffy hadn´t overheard their previous conversation, but Dawn had by the looks she was giving Spike who was shrugging apologetically. 

Buffy looked disgustedly at both men, ignoring her sister, knowing there was something more up but she wasn´t going to find out. "Okay, whatever. I just want to get this patrol over, so I can come home and crash hard. You ready?" she asked Spike who was getting up from where he had been sitting. 

"Weapons would be nice?" he suggested, and she threw the bag at him which he caught with a glare. "Thanks," he grumbled, reaching in a grabbing a couple of stakes, and putting them in his pockets. 

Buffy turned to Dawn, "I want you in bed and asleep before I get back—understood?" 

"Yeah, right," Dawn replied, wanting to get away from all of them. She was already heading inside wanting to avoid having the talk she knew was coming from Giles. "Night, Spike, see you tomorrow," she said and went in. 

"Night, Nibblet," he called after her. You ready?´ he asked Buffy. 

"Yeah, let´s get this done. Be back later, Giles," she told her Watcher, and saw him go into the house following Dawn then close the door. "Come on," she motioned to Spike with a touch of anger in her voice, and he followed shaking his head still trying to figure out what the hell her problem with him was. 

They patrolled in silence which was fine with him. He was still trying to get used to his enhances human senses, and body. His senses were similar to what he was used to, but just slightly different. He could feel more if that was possible, but he did note he wasn´t as quite as sensitive to blood, and heartbeats as he had been before. Though he could still smell the blood, and hear heartbeats, but he had to strain to do so, and they just did not make him hungry as they had. He was also aware of the differences in actual temperature now, and wished he had more than just a t-shirt, and his trench on. It was damn chilly out tonight, and he was getting actually tired of tramping around. 

"Can we take a bloody break?" he complained as he stopped then sat down on top of tombstone feeling actually tired. 

She stopped her walking, and looked back at him surprised. "You´re tired?" 

"Yeah, I´m tired. So I´m sitting. Any objections?" he said shaking his head, and starting to get a smoke out then stopping himself. He just sighed and then sat back with his arms folded against his chest regarding her. "You going keep on giving me the silent treatment all night? If I knew what I did to deserve it…." He asked trying to see if he could get her talk, or at least give him some sort of clue what was going through that brain of hers. 

"Nothing," she said quickly, trying to cut off any questions. 

"My being human is really bothering you isn´t it?" he asked lifting a scared eyebrow. 

"Yes—no—maybe—hell, I don´t know—okay," she said defensively, her arms folded across her chest, looking at some point far, far away rather than at him, trying to desperately to ignore him. 

"For the first time since you´ve known me I´m completely safe, and you´re acting like it´s the worst thing—I just don´t get you. And to top it all off I´ve got a bloody soul—complete with all the soddin´ memories, guilt, and the whole bit which is just lots of fun, let me tell you." 

"But you aren´t acting all that different—," Buffy replied. 

"Am I supposed to? What the big poof put on a show, or something after he got his soul back?" 

She looked down at the ground embarrassed, "yeah, he did—I guess. You´re just acting like nothing has changed, like you aren´t feeling any guilt, or anything." 

"Is that what the soddin´ problem is? That I´m not bloody doubling over in some kind of pain, or torment because of my quote 'sins´? Ohh, I´m feeling them, and seeing every last one of them racing through my bloody head, but I´m not letting them take me over. I did it—killed people, did horrible things that scare the hell out me now, those are bloody facts that I can´t change, but that is also the past. It happened, and I can´t undo it, and have to live with it, but I don´t have to go around perpetually brooding about it. I had already been changing before I got the soddin´ chip, questioning the whole evil bit, and killing otherwise we wouldn´t have had that truce we had to begin with. Then when those wankers puts the chip in, and I couldn´t kill anything I really had to start doing some serious thinking about my bloody unlife, and what I was going to do with it. If I had been hell bent on staying evil I could have found ways around the soddin´ chip, and feeding´ myself, but I didn´t because I didn´t want to be like I was. I couldn´t get you to understand that, so I kept the front up which I shouldn´t have as it only made things worse," he told her being one hundred percent truthful for once, reaching into his pocket for a smoke, and then deciding against it. 

She had sat down during his speech on a nearby headstone, and was wearing a sort of dazed expression on her face as she had listened, and had tried to absorb what he was saying, but it was going to take her awhile to fully accept what he was telling her. 'He hadn´t wanted to be evil—even as a vampire—before the chip?´ That was what she was having a hard time with. He had been making a conscious choice about it? He could go against his own nature? Vampires could change if they wanted to? No, no , no, her mind said because it went against everything that she had been taught, and led to believe. 

"So you´re saying you didn´t want to be evil even before the chip?" Buffy had to ask, her disbelief showing. 

"Yeah, I am—surprise. Then there was that spell of Red´s—it made me want more out of life. It gave me hope, and impossible dreams," he admitted. 

Her eyes flashed angrily at him for bringing 'that´ up, "I am not listening to this, and we agreed never ever to talk about Willow´s spell," Buffy told him, backing away as he stood up. 

Spike walked slowly towards her, his eyes never leaving hers, hearing her heartbeat increase as she kept backing away frightened of him. "Why? What, 'cause it embarrasses you to admit that for one wonderful day we were happy together—that the bloody spell let us both admit what the hell we were really feeling? I never forgot that day, and neither did you—admit it, Buffy. Admit that you didn´t think about what happened between us when the rest of the Scoobies and the soldier boy wasn´t around--about how it did feel, and wish down deep inside that it could be that way again. And that´s one of the big reasons why there´s such a strain between us. It wasn´t just because we were vampire and slayer—it was because we did have something between us, and you were too afraid to act on it because of what had happened with Angel, and your friends. Think I couldn´t figure that one out—I´m not that bloody dense." He said with a grin seeing the telltale blush creep up her face, and he knew he was more than dead on about what she did feel or had felt. 

"No, you´re not," she admitted. "But this still can´t be." 

"Why?" he asked simply, really wanting an answer this time. He looked at her patiently, noting that she looked more like a trapped rabbit than anything else and was ready to bolt. 

She swallowed heavily, her hazel eyes large, and frightened as she regarded him trying to figure out what she could say to get him to back off so she could deal with all these sudden changes in him, and new knowledge he kept throwing at her. "Okay, you want a why? It´s because I don´t love you…and I am just not dealing with this suddenly human bit at all. All I know is you-- the vampire, and all the memories that go with that….It is just way too confusing in my head. Can you understand that?" she shot back, finding that anger helped to keep him and her very mixed feelings at bay. 

"Yeah, I can, but is that all? Look, luv, if you weren´t all shook up over this I´d be bloody worried," he told her and she looked at him surprised. "I am not expecting you to fall into my arms because of this. You, and I were mortal enemies, and have a lot of not too nice history between us, and most of it´s bad, and I know it. All I´m asking is to give me a bloody chance as a human. My feelings for you have not changed, aren´t going to change. I am here for you for the long haul whether you want me or not—I´m not going to bloody disappear out of your life. Especially right now with that damn Glory lurking about. I will back off, give you space, but I am not giving up on you Buffy, or on the idea of us one day," he told he bluntly but gently. 

"But what if I never love you?" she asked warily, unsure how to take his confession of love, and that he was going to stay around no matter what. 

He sighed, looking upward, then shrugged defeated a little, "then I will just have to deal with it. Just being around you, to be able to see you, and do normal mortal things is enough for now. At least I can get a tan now, walk with you in the sun light, and you don´t have to worry about me going all evil on you. I know it´s going to take awhile for you, and the others to accept me. I have a lot to make up for with all of you, but I am willing to try if you are willing to too?´ he asked seriously, searching her face for clues as to what she was feeling, and thinking, but all he could see was fear, and confusion. 

"Okay, I will try," Buffy agreed with a sigh, and saw a relieved smile on his still pale face. 

"Good, that´s all I ask. Come on, let´s get this patrol finished. We´re both tired, and I still have to go get settled in over at the Watcher´s," he told her, and motioned for her to lead the way, and they continued their patrol each lost in their own thoughts. 

End Part 6 

  


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	7. Part 7

Souled 7

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Parts 7-8 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky   
  
  


Part 7 

After making their rounds, they both had noted that it had been almost too quiet of a night, and worrying what that might mean when they didn´t run into any demons, or vampires on their patrol. They made it back to her house without running into anything. 

"Somehow not seeing any vampires, or demons is not a good thing. Was there some kind of big meeting, and we didn´t know about it?" she asked as they reached her porch. 

"Not that I´m bloody aware of, but then I wasn´t in their bloody loop lately, or anyone´s elses," he said meaningfully. He was hesitating, his foot on the top step unsure whether to go forward, and follow her on to the porch. He knew he didn´t need an invite any more, but old habits were going to be hard to break. 

"I know you don´t need an invite now, but come in anyway, Spike," she told him. as she looked back at him hanging back eyeing the door. 

"It´s going to be Will, now, luv. No more Spike. Spike was who I made myself into being. William, was who I was before I got turned. Will is who I am going to become," he told her following her into the house, and closing the door behind them. 

"Got it. You keeping the hair?" she asked lifting a eyebrow. 

"Why? You want me to?" he asking meeting her eyes, amused at her questions. 

"Yes—no, I dunno. Just used to it, but always wondered what color your hair really was. Your roots are kind of showing that´s why I asked," she replied flustered now wishing she had kept her mouth shut, and wasn´t so acutely aware of him, and how good he really did look. 

"I haven´t had the courage to really look at myself in the mirror yet. Probably I´ll change it. Been a while since I did anything with it. That´s one of things I was going to do tomorrow so I could start fitting in, along with some clothes to go job hunting. The biggest problem going to be real IDs, but Giles thought he might be able to help. If not I´ll have to ask Peaches," he told her as he took off his trench and hung it on the rack in the hallway. 

"Angel? He´s going to freak—you know that," she said as she hung up her jacket and stashed her bag of weapons by the coat rack out of the way. 

"Yeah, big time." He agreed, looking nervous and not looking forward to that conversation, or any conversation with his grand-sire. 

They found Giles on the phone in Joyce´s old home office. He looked up at them, and mouthed long distance so they left him to go to the kitchen to get something to drink. 

"Who do you think he´s talking to?" Spike asked Buffy as he took the coke she handed him from the fridge as they sat down on the stools in the kitchen. 

"Couldn´t tell. Maybe it´s the Council with more info on Glory. So far we still don´t know that much more about her," she said taking a sip of her drink while he did the same wishing it was a beer instead. 

He had left those out in the car, and he knew the only thing usually in the house was a some wine, and he really wasn´t a wine drinker. Did she even have a clue how much he was willing to give up for her so that he could be in her life and be what she might fall in love with—if she gave herself the chance to? Probably not, but he would stop smoking, and cut down on the drinking. The beer earlier wasn´t setting too well on his stomach as it was. And he had to pee again—bloody body. "Be back in a minute, luv, " he said, excusing himself, and going upstairs to use the bathroom. It was a nuisance, but a welcome reminder of his changed status. Straining his senses he could tell that Dawn was sound asleep, so he left her alone, and made his way back down the stairs. 

Buffy was still sitting in the kitchen and Giles evidently was on the phone. While he was gone she had gotten out some cookies and was munching on them. "Have some," she offered and he did take one of the oatmeal chocolate chip and began eating it carefully, and put it immediately on his mental list of foods to buy in the future. While he had been gone he had been thinking about their conversation, and basically jumped in where they had left off. 

"I thought about what you were saying, luv. Neither do any of the local demons have any real information on Glory either. She´s real low keyed and real mysterious except for always having money and spending it on clothes and accessories for herself. I´ve been trying to find out what they know, or get a hold of one her followers, but no such luck. So far she´s still looking for her key, and doesn´t know—you know about….," he trailed off, motioning his head upwards. 

"Yeah, but for how long? How long are we going to be able to keep Dawn safe? Ever since Glory just showed up in the house while the Council was here I´ve been worried about her doing an encore." 

"The bint came here, to your house?" he asked surprised, no one had told him that. 

She looked at him oddly, and then remembered she 'hadn´t´ told him why she was leaving her mother, and sister with him—just to do it. She blushed, embarrassed. "God, you didn´t know then, did you ? I left them without telling you why and you didn´t ask so I figured you knew why. Glory was the whole reason why I brought Mom and Dawn over to your place. That´s why Dawn doesn´t go any where alone now. I really thought you knew," Buffy said surprised. 

"No, I didn´t—honest. No one shares with me, or didn´t. So Glory knows where you live—that is not good at all. For once, Buff, be honest with me, and tell me what we are dealing with. What has been going on," he asked her. 

And she did, telling him everything that had been happening since he had been banned from the house, and shop. With each addition of information, Spike got more, and more worried about her, Dawn, and all of   
them. 

"Does Angel know any of this?" he had to ask when she got through explaining, almost afraid to find out the answer. But her response surprised him because he was sure she´d yell for her knight in shining armor to help her since soldier boy was gone. 

"No, I didn´t tell him when he came for the funeral. I just couldn´t. He´s got his life, his own problems and I didn´t want to involve him. We made peace finally, and I just didn´t want to blow it by him having to worry about me. Besides he doesn´t even know Dawn. He never asked about her so I kept quiet." 

"He doesn´t know Dawn? Huh? How? I remember seeing the two of them talking," he asked confused, then remembered. "Ohh, the memories—I get it now. I keep forgetting that she hasn´t always been here. So people who haven´t been here, been a part of all this--- she´s still not a part of their memories—weird," he commented, as the realization of how outside of reality the teenager really was. 

"Evidently, you accepted Dawn just like we all did because you´ve been here all along. But I´ve met people who weren´t like some of my relatives from out of town for the funeral. It was weird watching the memories shift in their head as they accepted Dawn as always being here," she told him, and he nodded in understanding. "But Angel and the group in LA don´t know any of this, though I have been hoping that Giles would talk to Wesley, and see if he had any knowledge of Glory, or any of this." 

"The other Watcher? Heard of him, never met him. Did you ever find your Dad? Does he know any of this?" he asked. 

Buffy winced, "no, still can´t track him down. His office says they´re trying to find him, but it´s been weeks now. Besides, all this would seriously freak him because he doesn´t know about me being a slayer, or about vampires, or any of this weird stuff. It was because of my getting chosen, and having to fight vampires that I burned up my school gym. He hit the ceiling because I couldn´t explain, and I had embarrassed him. He and mom got into a massive fight over me and I blame myself for their divorce and mom and I having to move here to start over. By that time Merrick, my first Watcher was dead so I had no one to explain it to either of my parents, so I just kept quiet, and just let my dad think I was nuts and out of control," she told him and Spike just shook his head. 

"Damn, I had no idea. I know it blew me away when you, and I were working out the truce to find out your Mum had no idea what you were. And she knew we were both lying about being in a band together. Then she caught on what was happening when we killed the vampires in front of her and our conversations. Even after she found out I was a vampire, she still liked me, and treated me decent. She was really a wonderful lady, and one of the reasons I did start changing because she thought I was worth something," he said, looking down at the counter missing the look of surprise, and wonder in her eyes at his heartfelt words about her mom and the expect she had had on him. 

"I never could figure you, and her out, or you and Dawn either. But I guess it´s been differences in perspectives and experiences," she commented. 

"Could be. But I never did have an urge to harm either of them. You on the other hand---it gets a bit too complicated to explain," he said, backing off before they got too deep, and she nodded in understanding and let it go, but shelving her questions for a later date. 

Going back to what they had been talking about, Buffy told him, "I remember how hard a time I had telling my mom, who was here, and had seen it that I was a vampire slayer. Imagine me trying to explain all of this to someone who hasn´t been here. What I´m worried about is his coming here, and trying to take Dawn away from me, or take this all away from me—I couldn´t take that. It scares me—it scares me a lot," she admitted, trying not to cry. 

"It´ll be okay, I promise. I won´t let your Dad take your sis away or let anything happen to this house. I know how proud your Mum was of it, and that it was her house, not your dad´s," he tried to reassure her. 

"Unfortunately, it´s not going to be that bloody easy," Giles announced from the doorway, and they looked up to meet his haunted eyes. "That was your father´s attorney. They finally found your father, and he´s going to be coming here in two weeks time. He wants to take you, and Dawn back to LA, sell the house, and everything," Giles explained as he sat down. 

"No—No way! I will not let him do that. I can´t, and won´t leave here. This is my house, my sister, and I am not going to let him take her away. He can´t protect her—I can," Buffy said angrily. 

"Legally, there´s not much you can do, Buffy. You´re still underage, and in college. You have no visible means of support for yourself, or for her. Joyce left me as executor of her estate, and gave me temporary guardianship of you, and Dawn in the event of her death, but all that can be overruled by your father unfortunately as his lawyer gleefully informed me," Giles told her sadly. 

"Giles, there has to be another way—there just has to be," she said horrified at the idea of having her world further destroyed as she tried to hold back her anger at her father along with her tears of frustration. 

"No, I don´t think so," the Watcher sighed wanting a drink very badly. and wishing he did have a bottle of Scotch stashed, he but he didn´t. He looked at the upset young woman and wished he could make all of her problems go away, but he had been truthful. There wasn´t that much he could do against her father, and his very powerful lawyer from Wolfram and Hart, that he was now trying to remember where he had heard the name, and why the name, and the lawyer, himself, a Mr. Lindsay, had bothered him so much. He realized that Spike had been speaking, and he tried to focus on what the former vampire was saying. 

"What if Buffy were married, and all taken care of? Would that make her all respectable, and responsible looking for the courts?" Spike asked getting a idea—a long shot really that he wasn´t sure would work even if she´d go for it looking back and forth between the two trying to judge their reactions. 

The suggestion started Giles, and he had to shake his head hoping to clear it while he digested what the young man was asking. His parental hackles went up and he narrowed his eyes as he looked back at Spike venturing cautiously, "maybe—I don´t know. I would have to check with my lawyers to find out. Why? What are you thinking?" Giles asked warily, getting a sinking feeling already of what Spike had in mind. 

Spike leaned in closer, clasping his hands to keep his own shaking, and nervousness down as Buffy looked on puzzled and confused, trying to figure out his angle too. He cleared his throat, and asked, "Remember us talking earlier over at the shop when I said I had resources, but hadn´t wanted to deal with Peaches to use them again?" 

"Yes, but what has this to do with Buffy, and Dawn?" Giles asked doubly confused as Buffy also looked at the former vampire trying to understand what was on his mind. 

Spike smiled. "Money, to bloody well fight her father for one. Bloody titles, and estates if me sire kept all the paperwork up for another. Rup´, you familiar with the Wellingtons?" Spike asked with a glint in his eyes to see the Watcher nod, and quirk an eyebrow, begging him to continue which Spike did. "Well, I happen to be the 15th Duke of Wellington by birth, and my sire has all the paperwork to prove it." 

"But how? Even if you are, how can you reclaim the title after all these years, and isn´t there a current Duke already claiming that?" 

"My great-great nephew Harry, descended from my older brother Philip who died before my turning along with his young wife leaving my nephew James whom my mother and my sisters were taking care of. Unlike Angelus I did not go back home, and off my relatives. In fact he didn´t even know who I was until recently. And I also kept track of my family as they did me. Angelus, Darla, and Dru never knew who I was before, and I led them to believe I was someone else entirely so that my real family would be safe, and carry on." 

"Your family is still alive? I mean you didn´t do what the Watcher´s journals said you did?" Buffy had to ask, looking at him unsure whether to believe him or not. 

"No, even just turned I couldn´t lead Angelus to my family to slaughter them. I never did like the idea of killing, and torturing innocents. That was their thing not mine. I´ve read the bloody journals so I know what it says about me, most of that stuff was Dru´s or Angelus´ doings not mine. I just got blamed for it because I was with them. You ought to know me by now, I go for the quick kill, not the games," he told them both. 

That´s all very well, and good but what does all this have to do with Buffy, and her father? You´re not proposing to marry her, are you?" Giles asked point blank, and saw Spike flush redly and sit back in his chair embarrassed. 

"Aye, mate if she´ll have me. She, and the Nibblet would never have to worry about money, or anything ever again seeing that I´m currently worth close to thirty million dollars," Spike told him. and Buffy face was a mask of shock and anger. 

"Thirty---million dollars, and you were always hitting us up for money?" Buffy exploded, her hands landing on the counter making it shaking, wanting to reach over and grab him by the neck. 

He cringed back, hoping she wouldn´t kill him now. He had planned on telling her eventually, he was suitably embarrassed when he squeaked out, "Angel has it, or is taking care of it. I gave him power of attorney back when I was busted up in the wheelchair because he made me give it to him. Before that Dalton was handling everything. I´m no bloody good at handling finances, and investments. I haven´t had the nerve to go ask him to give it back to me. Where do you think the money for the mansion came from, and what is keeping Angel afloat in LA—he sure isn´t making that kind of money from fighting demons that´s for damned sure." Spike told her, solving a mystery that had been bugging her for years of where Angel was getting his money. 

"So let me get this straight—your solution to my problem with my father over Dawn, and everything is to marry you?" Buffy asked, her voice cold, and her eyes even colder as she looked at him disgusted, appalled, and hurt that he had been using them when he did have money all along he could have used for his needs, but had been too chicken to talk to Angel to get it back. 

He saw her look, and cringed, wishing he was any where, but there, and wishing very much he had kept his mouth shut, or found a gentler way of breaking the news to her. He had really blown it big time. "Yeah, sort of, and I know it´s a lousy idea—so just forget it. Just forget I said a thing," Spike said abruptly, getting up, and heading out the back door. 

His quick departure was unexpected by both Buffy and Giles. Buffy wasn´t sure what she was feeling now about anything. He hadn´t come right out, and asked her to marry him—not that she would have any way—human or not, or would she, she asked herself. On some levels it scared her to even think about the possibility of them being married for real, and how close it had actually been to happening before. No one but themselves knew that they had almost driven to Las Vegas under the spell, but she had convinced him to wait, and let her have a traditional wedding instead. Giles and the gang had no idea of a lot of things that did happen under that spell. Like the beyond incredible sex they had had in the bathroom when everyone was out. She did not want to go there—bad Buffy, she told herself. She had tried very hard not to remember that particular memory because it was so good, so wonderful, and one that could never be again once the spell was over. Spike had been so perfect, so unbelievably good, and had made her feel things that no one ever had. Riley always thought she was comparing him to Angel when in truth she was always comparing him to Spike. 

But back to the matter at hand. Okay, she admitted to herself, she could see that Spike was trying to help with his wanting to marry her. With that kind of money involved her father 'would´ leave them alone, and she wouldn´t have to worry about anything, but she wasn´t Cordelia, or Harmony only wanting to latch on to a guy for their money. If she married anyone it was going to be for love, and not their money, or anything they could give her. She wasn´t that desperate, was she? 

Things were just happening too quick, too soon, and today had been just one unnerving surprise after another. She still was not dealing with this whole Spike is now human bit, and add on to it he was rich, and wanted to marry her. It was all seriously wiggin´ her out. 

She heard Giles talking to her, and she tried to focus on what he was saying. "Buffy, we will figure something out. You don´t have to take Spike up on his offer. We will find a solution to all of this," he tried to reassure her. 

"I know. I´m just feeling more than a little overwhelmed right now. This day has been way too weird. I just don´t know what I am feeling right now. I just want to be some place far far away, and not have to deal with any of it not Glory, not Mom being gone, my Dad coming, school, or Spike as a human. He still loves me, you know. He told me he´s not going to give up on me, or there being an us. Now I don´t have any excuses because he is human, and has a soul now." 

"But do you love him? Do you have feelings for him?" her Watcher asked, trying to be sympathetic bur also feeling she was not really being honest with him, especially on how she 'did´ really feel about the ex-vampire. 

She squirmed uncomfortably under his intense gaze. "Damn, Giles, I don´t know. I really don´t. He makes me mad, angry, drives me up the wall, but he does know me sometimes better than I know myself. He can get under my skin faster than anyone, and he can make me laugh when I let myself laugh. But the weird thing is that I trust him, and know I can count on him. He´s still here, even after all the times I told him to leave. When we´re out there patrolling I feel safe with him. I never felt safe with Riley, and a lot of times not even with Angel. And he´s good with Dawn—she trusts him too. When she shows up missing I know where she´s at, or with. But love? I don´t know whether I can love. After all my bad experiences with guys that part of me is closed off. Right now all I am is the Slayer—that´s all I want feel, and be—it´s easy, simple, no pressure, no expectations, just me, and the hunting. I´m afraid to let anyone get close to me again—it just hurts too bad—do you understand?" she asked him feeling more lost then normal, and not really wanting to discuss this with him—not at this moment at least. 

"I think so. Just try, and get some rest tonight, and don´t let all of this get to you," he told her, back pedaling a little as he saw how upset she was getting and not wishing to further add to her emotional distress. 

Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head, stifling the impulse to laugh. "Yeah, right. But I think I need to go talk to him, and try explain. I promised him I´d try to give him a chance, and I´ve been shooting him down." 

"You don´t have to. I can explain if you want," Giles volunteered wanting to have a few words with him as well. 

She shook her head, making up her mind that she owe Spike at least an explaination, and that she wasn´t being nice to him at all—like usual. "No, this is something I have to do. I haven´t been fair to him, and he needs to know why," she added getting up, and going past the concerned Watcher as she went out the back door to look for Spike. 

He hadn´t gone far. He was sitting dejectedly on the back steps where they had sat months ago. Though those months seemed like years now for both of them as she sat down next to him, and he ignored her as he stared off into the night sky holding in his anger, and pain. Finally he spoke when the silence dragged on hard, and heavy between them. "I´m sorry. I should have kept my bleedin´ mouth shut. I keep bloxing up royally when it comes to you. You hate me, and I should just learn to bloody accept that," he said tensely, not looking at her because the pain he was feeling was so intense, and his control was almost gone. The last thing he wanted her to see was him crying. He really was a nancy boy, worse than his sire when it came to his feelings. 

"I don´t hate you. I came to apologize," she said meekly, wrapping her arms around herself, feeling the chill of the night as she contemplated the ground. 

He turned, and looked at her surprised, and suspicious. "For what? I´m the one that overstepped, not you." 

"No, you didn´t," Buffy shook her head, and sighed, determined to explain. "It was me being a bitch again, and I know I´ve been a bitch to you, and you don´t really deserve it. I was still over reacting to my Dad, and everything else that had happened to today. Then to find out you do have money after all this time—I just kind of lost it—okay?" she told him, still angry about that 

"Messed that up too, didn´t I?" Spike said with a bitter laugh. "As long as I was living like I was with the chip, and all, what was the point of money? Then there´s the fact we never talk except for bloody business, or when we´re fighting, when would something like that come up—how was you to know? How many really personal conversations have you, and I had since we´ve known one another? Not many. Then we´d end up hurting one another with what was said," he explained, hoping for once they really could talk this out. 

"Yeah, you´re right," she agreed thinking back over some of their conversations and fights. 

He was surprised she was agreeing with him, but he wasn´t going to admit it. "Bloody right, I´m right. And it´s been really bad since I made the stupid mistake of telling you that I do bloody well care about you, and I tried to force you to listen to me—I should have known that was a dumb idea to begin with. But trying to be nice to you, and your friends doesn´t work either. You frustrate the hell out me, Summers. No matter what I say or do, I screw it up. I try to be nice, do things for you, and you either don´t see, or don´t care. I´ve been a vampire for over a hundred and twenty years, but for you I was trying to change, and be better than I was, and give up the whole evil trip because it wasn´t getting me anywhere. And trying to be human is not easy for me. I forgot the rules because I didn´t have to be human. And then I still wasn´t good enough because I didn´t have a bleedin´ soul—well, now I´ve got one, and all I can say is it hurts like hell, so I hope you´re bloody happy because I sure am not," he told her, fighting back his angry tears. 

She was really feeling bad now because she hadn´t been thinking about how her sharp words, and actions had been affecting him. God, she was almost destroying him because of her own fears and doubts. Before she had enjoyed making his life miserable anyway she could, she found she couldn´t do this to him anymore. Whether it was because he really did have a soul, because they were actually talking now, and she was hearing what was on his mind, or just plain guilt for not being willing to see he had been changing on his own without the soul. But she had to straightened this out before it got so bad it was unfixable. She grabbed his shoulder, and made him face her as she told him, "Spike it´s not you that´s the problem—it´s me. That´s what I came out here to tell you. You haven´t been screwing up it´s been me. I´m the one making a mess out everything," she said, and he turned to look at her puzzled. 

He raised a wary eyebrow, "I don´t follow you, pet." 

She sighed. He wasn´t going to make this easy, was he? With a groan she tried again, "I wasn´t willing to let you get close to me because of what had happened with Angel. Parker just made things worse. And 'you´ just had to rub it in—I never have forgiven you for that bit of humiliation. Then what had happened between us during Willow´s spell scared me because I was so happy that one day with you, and it felt so right, and I shouldn´t have felt anything since we were mortal enemies," she said being very glad it was dark so he couldn´t see her flushed face. 

He allowed himself a small smile that she had felt something too between them, and that it hadn´t been as one sided as he had feared it might be. She had been fighting her feelings towards him all these years too. He hadn´t been misinterpreting her after all. 

Spike touched a gentle finger to her cheek, and trailed it down her face making her shiver under his touch as he told her, "same here, pet. Think I didn´t wonder what the hell was happening too? Then there was my bloody physical reactions to you, and the way everyone used to get on our case about our bloody arguing, and fighting. I remember being so bloody mad that you had let that jerk Parker touch you, and use you. I wanted to track him down, and tear his head off for treating you like that," and saw a slight smile from her for his wanting to do dire damage to the asshole. 

"You did? Really?" she asked, brightening, and wishing he had beat the bloody pulp out of Parker. 

"Really, because he had hurt, and humiliated you,…and because I considered you …mine," he told her looking into her eyes and she gasped from the depths of emotions she saw within those dark depths. "When I came back to Sunnydale after Dru dumped me, and found you with the poof again I was furious, and I didn´t understand why I should be, but Dru knew when I went back at tried to win her back. She told me in Brazil I was in love with you but I denied it, fought it tooth and nail as the way until that soddin; spell. It wasn´t until you took up with soldier boy that it finally sank into my thick skull, that I was bleeding jealous. I had all this wonderful memories of you, and me together, and then I see you with him, and it about killed me to see you with him, or any guy. Then you went out of your way to rub it in too with him—that´s why I moved out Giles, so I didn´t have to watch you, and him making out. It was just too bleedin´ much to take even though I knew I didn´t have a bleedin´ shot at you," he confessed. 

She tried not to let her surprise show as well as the fact he had wanted to defend her honor. All his at the time weird behavior was because he had been jealous, and in love with her, and had been for a long time. It was all beginning to make sense to her finally. "That´s why you were so nasty to me after Riley, and I got together. But you still helped me, even when I did everything I could think of to hurt you, and make you go away." 

He sighed, "yeah, I did because that meant I at least got to see you, be with you. It was never the damn money. Yeah, I needed it, but I needed to be near you more, even if you were bloody beating me up—I was at least with you. Fighting with you was as close I can get to touching you, or being touched by you. The same with protecting your friends because I knew if anything happened to them it´d kill you. They tolerated me being around, and I could always get info out of them on what you were doing. After awhile I considered them my sort of friends. It´s hurt that they all hate me worse than they all ready did because they know I love you now. When did loving you become a bad thing—that´s what I haven´t been able to figure out?" he asked her really wanting an answer. 

"Again, that´s my fault because you creeped me out, and I over reacted. You´re also getting the backlash of Angel too. Vampire plus love plus Buffy equals not a good thing for anyone," Buffy said with a sigh. 

"But I´m not a vampire anymore," he said taking his warm hand and placing it on hers. "Can we ever get past the past of what I was, and begin all over? Or is this hopeless no matter what I am?" he asked, his eyes searching hers. 

Buffy shook her head, and tried to meet his eyes, and found herself getting lost in them. "No, it´s not hopeless. It´s just so much to readjust to, …and deal with," she replied, finding it difficult to breathe, to think under his intense gaze and the feel of his hand on hers, his warm, not cold hand that was making her long for more touches from him. 

He wanted to kiss her so bad, but he was afraid if he tried she would run, and bolt back into the house, so instead he told her, "tell me about it. I now have a chance to set things right, but I´m so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I´m not sure what to do. All I seem to do is make you mad at me. It was presumptuous of me to even think of you marrying me to solve the problem with your Dad. You don´t love me, and I only seem to make you miserable. Even with all the money in the world, I´m still worthless—human, or vampire," he said wearily, starting to get up. 

Buffy grabbed his hand, and stopped him, jerking him back down next to her. That totally surprised him as did her tear streaked face revealed by the moonlight now. She had been crying, and it made him feel bad. He sat back down next to her waiting for her next move. "You´re not worthless—never think that. You´ve saved me lots of times, and everyone else too. But it´s the love bit—I´m afraid of love. Love, and Buffy are not good things as everyone I love leaves, or we both get burnt badly. I don´t know if I am…able to love anyone…anymore," she confessed truthfully, not wanting to see the pain in his eyes that she knew she was probably causing. 

He dared to brush a hand to wipe away her tears, and she didn´t flinch back from his touch, she just looked at him cautiously. He could feel her trembling, and hear her heart racing. She was afraid of him, and afraid of letting him get close? How had he missed seeing how messed up she had gotten this last year? Easy. He had been only thinking of his own pains, and she had put up so such walls with her anger that no one had been really able to see how much she was really hurting inside from all that had happened to her. No wonder she had freaked when he had confessed he loved her. She was balancing on a hair trigger of feelings. If there was going to be any chance with her he was going to have to go very carefully, and not push anything with her. 

"But you do love, pet. I see it in your eyes when you look at your sis, and your friends, and your Watcher. I envy them so much as they do have your love. And you care about people. You risk your life all the time to keep everyone safe. That´s what I have always admired about you, Summers is your heart." 

"Yeah, right. I don´t feel it—all I feel is cold and empty. I don´t want to feel anything anymore—it hurts too much. I think you told me that once too. I didn´t understand it then, but I do now," she sighed. 

"You actually took some dumb thing I said to you to heart?" he asked incredulous. 

"Yeah. I do listen to you—though I try not to," she admitted. 

"God, no wonder we have had bleedin´ problems—I was just trying to get a rise out of you—to get you to notice me—never thought you´d bloody take me seriously on anything. I´m the last one you should have been taking bloody advice from," he laughed and shook his head. 

"Why? You always made sense. You saw me like no one else does, and told me things about myself I needed to know. They may have hurt, but you were always right." 

"I never really meant to hurt you, Buffy, not really. I guess I always did want to protect you from all the bad. I just didn´t know how to go about it the right way—still don´t," he sighed deciding that maybe this was enough talking for the nigh and it was getting late. "Giles and I best be getting on our way. I´ve got some calls to make anyhow. Peaches is just going to love this new situation," he laughed. 

"Yeah, you got what he always wanted. Is it what you wanted though?" she asked, her question surprising him. 

"Yes, believe it or not. Last year I would have bloody furious, and would have tried get someone to change me back immediately. Now, I have a chance to live again, and do a better job of it, I hope, then I did then," he said thinking back about how much of a fop, and an innocent he had been before he was turned and glad he didn´t have to go all through that again. 

"So you´re okay with being human again?" 

"Yes. I still have to check the old body out, and see if all the parts work," he grinned devilishly at her and she tried to pretend she didn´t understand what he was saying, but a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth which he was trying very had to resist the urge to kiss. "See, I did make you smile—finally," he said standing up. "And for once we did really talk—I knew it was possible," he grinned. 

"Well, you haven´t been insulting me, and making me mad either—for a change," she shot back standing up too. 

"But seriously, luv, we will find a way to keep your dad from taking Dawn away, and the house. I won´t let it happen, and neither will anyone else. That much I do promise you. You won´t even have to marry me to do it. It was a bloody bad idea anyway. If we ever get married, and I know that´s a big 'if´, I want it to be because you do want me, and do want to spend the rest of your life with me, and not because some spell, or life itself is forcing you to do it—do you understand?´ he asked. 

She smiled at him, a genuine smile this time, thinking he was trying so hard to be nice, and it really wouldn´t be that hard to really fall in love with him, if she let herself. "Yeah, I do. Thank you, Will," she said, and leaned forward, and kissed him gently on his lips. 

He almost fell off the steps in shock because he had not expected her to do it. His arms automatically encircled her waist, and he drew her closer to him to kiss her back. His lips were softer, but not that different from when he was a vampire. Instead of cool, he was warm, and her body´s responses to his touch were just as intense, and willing as they had been if not more so. One kiss led to another until they had to pull apart to breathe. He looked at her in sheer wonder, love, and wanting. "Cor, Buffy, you´re bloody wonderful," he managed to say as he looked into the hazel depths of her eyes seeing himself as well as the same wanting and desire for him as he had for her. As much as he wanted her, he was afraid to take it further so soon even though he was so hard he felt his pants would burst from the strain. Drawing back he had to say, "if we keep this up, luv, I´ll never be able to go to Giles´ tonight." 

"And that´s a bad thing—how?" she asked, with a smile, not wanting him to stop so soon, or to leave her tonight. She wanted to stay right there in his arms where she realized she did belong. Something had shifted in her cold hear and she had found out that she did want him. He did set her on fire in every fiber of her being like no one had, including Angel. All this time she had been rejecting him—god, she had been so very stupid, she thought to herself. 

Spike was trying to be the gentleman, and putting practical before all else for both them before they did get swept away by what they were feeling. "I still got to go get settled at your Watcher's as much as I would love to stay here, and make love to you until we dropped from exhaustion. I think we need to take this slow, and easy, luv. Let your mates get used to the idea of me being really alive, and not a threat to them. I want to do the date thing like you bloody humans do. I don´t do one night stands, and I don´t want to push you into anything you´re not ready for. And I want us both to be ready," he said kissing her gently, and then letting her go. 

She pouted at him, disappointed, and dismayed at his control which she had not expected once she did start letting herself go. "You sure you´re still Spike in there?" she asked surprised at his wanting to take it slow, and not ravish her right then and there. She was sure thinking about it really hard and heavy. 

"Ohh yeah, luv. I´m still me, and don´t ever doubt it," he said grabbing her back to him in his strong arms, her body molding to his, so she could feel his very hard hard-on pressing against her stomach, and then he kissed her with all his pent up passion to leave her weak kneed, and breathless before he released her. 

She looked back at him stunned, trying to stand on feet that were just a tiny bit shaky now. 

"Now, I better say goodnight before I do take you right here, and now, and your Watcher does kill me," he grinned, opening the back door and holding it open so she could enter first while he followed her in. 

End Part 7   


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	8. Part 8

souled8

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 8 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1.   
  
  


Part 8 

Giles was at her mother´s old desk reading through some books when they came in. He quirked an eyebrow at both of them in question, but then shook his head not wanting to know after all as he took in both of their flushed, and embarrassed, happy expressions. It was clear that they were working out their differences. And this time he really couldn´t object because Spike was human, and Buffy was old enough to make her own decisions regarding men. Still he had hoped that Buffy would find a nice normal guy, and Spike still didn´t qualify as that in his book. 

"Sorry to be so long, Giles. Will and I had a bunch of things to talk about," Buffy told him trying to act like nothing had happened besides talking on the back porch. By Giles questioning looks she could see she wasn´t fooling him a bit and knew she was going to get a lecture eventually about it. 

"I see. And I see you two worked things out," he asked cautiously as he very deliberately put a bookmark in the book. 

"Sort of," Buffy said, fidgeting almost as bad as Spike was behind her , knowing they were caught and neither wanting to really wanting to go into real detail with the older man who was like a father to both of them. 

Clearing his throat, and avoiding the looks Giles was shooting him, Spike piped up, "yeah, and for once we actually talked, and didn´t have a bloody fight. That´s a real first for us," Spike said proudly. "I told her I want to take this whole human thing slow, and easy like. Let everyone get used to me being this way now. When we get to your place, I want to give Peaches a call, so I can get the rest of my life back." 

"You could use the phone here," Giles suggested, looking towards the phone on the desk. "Do you have the number?" 

His suggestion threw Spike off for a minute, then he recovered. "The old one. But Dru said he had moved, and was living in this big hotel. I was hoping that one of you had it," Spike said, looking back and forth between the two. 

"I got it," Buffy announced, and Spike cocked his head in question. "He gave me one of his new business cards while he was here—just in case I did need to get in touch with him," she explained as she went over to her purse, and found the card, then handed it to Spike who took it carefully. "Call him, he should be in unless he´s out on a case." 

He kept looking down at the card with it´s strange abstractly Angel logo which he was sure Angel hadn´t drawn, amused that his ex sire did have business cards to give out that even bagged that the agency 'helped the helpless´. "Okay. The sooner I do this…I guess the better. I really don´t want to go to LA unless I have to," he told them getting nervous about talking to his grandsire. 

"Buffy and I will leave you be while you make your call. Come Buffy," Giles told her and they disappeared towards the kitchen with her lingering long enough to mouth 'good luck´ before she finally left. 

Bracing himself Spike dialed the number on the card. It rang several times before the answering machine picked it up. Thinking that Angel was probably out, Spike began to leave a message for him, "Angel, it´s me, Will. Right now I´m over at the Slayer´s house, but I will be staying with Giles for a while so you can reach me there, or at the Magic Box in the morning. Something unexpected happened today—I´m now a bleeding human—no more vamp. But that´s not why I´m calling. I need you to give back my bloody papers that I gave you over at the mansion. You know which ones. Seems I´m going to be needing them after all, plus some cash, big cash right away to help Buffy out 'cause of her Dad causing her problems. Call me as soon as you get this message. I need to get to work on this soon as possible," he added then hung up. 

Spike was heading for the kitchen when the phone rang, but before he could turn around. and answer it someone picked it up in the kitchen. He could tell by the voice it was Giles. He went in, and sat down at the counter, and watched as Buffy was doing too. She held a finger up to her lips, and he nodded in understanding. With their enhanced hearing they could hear both parts of the conversation, especially since Angel was ranting very loudly on his end. 

"Yes, Angel, it´s not a joke. Spike is human now. Seems he wanted his soul back, and he got kind of a bonus," Giles explained holding the phone back from his ear as Angel exploded in pure shock. "Yes, he volunteered. He asked Willow, and I to perform the ritual. Yes, I know why, but I believe his reasons were personal, and you should ask him. Actually, he still has all his abilities as far as we can tell so he´s just like Buffy. I know there has never been a male slayer, but it´s quite clear he is one. He´s here because he, and Buffy went on patrol together, and I was watching Dawn. Ohh, that´s right, you don´t know Dawn, Buffy´s sister. Yes, she´s okay. They´re both okay. No, you don´t have to make a special trip down here. All Spike said he wanted was some sort of papers you had. He explained about the Wellingtons to us….I see, we´ll I suppose we will see you when you get here. Goodbye, Angel," Giles said with a heavy sigh, and hung up the phone coming over and sitting heavily down on one of the kitchen stools. 

"He´s coming here?" Buffy questioned, not looking thrilled at the prospect. 

"By dawn he said, and he´ll bring what you wanted, Spike. He´s understandably upset, and shocked by all of this," Giles relayed, looking at both of them, especially the ex vampire who was frowning and not happy about this turn events at all because a visit from Angel usually upset everyone, and they had enough problems to deal with without his sire adding to the mix. 

"Great. I really was hoping to avoid talking to him in person, but I guess I have to," Spike sighed. "So he´ll be here around dawn which is what five—six hours away," he added looking at the clock on the kitchen wall. 

"Well I had planned on going back to the apartment, but in view of this. It looks like we need to crash here tonight, Buffy, if you don´t mind?" Giles asked, not wanting to impose but not seeing any other choice since Angel had insisted on coming here instead of Giles´ apartment and rather than having to drive back and forth they might as well stay put for the night and try to at least get some sleep. 

"No problem. If Angel is going to show up on my doorstep, I really don´t want to deal with him alone. Giles, you can sleep in mom´s room, and Spike you can have the couch in the living room. I think we all need to get some sleep before he shows up," Buffy said getting up, not really thrilled by this turn of events, but she see Angel wanting to make sure all of this was true and if there were papers Spike had to deal with—yeah, she could handle everyone under foot—she hoped. 

"Thanks, Buffy, I appreciate this. I never expected the poof to show up, and muck things up. I was going to get out of your hair, and try to get myself settled. Since that isn´t going to happen, Giles, let me see your keys so I can get a change of clothes out of the car, and I can take a shower. Still got vamp dust on me from earlier and it itches," he said, and Buffy giggled. 

"Now you know what I have been going through. I take it, it never bothered you before?" she asked. 

"Nope, didn´t even notice it living in a crypt and all," he grinned back, standing up while Giles handed him the car keys. 

"While you´re getting your stuff, I´ll get some covers and pillows for you," she said walking with him to the front door. 

"Be back in a sec´," he told her, and went out to the car, and got into the trunk to find his clothes, including a set of boxers which he normally didn´t wear. Unfortunately, they were the 'Taz´ ones that Harmony had gotten him because she said the character reminded her of him. He really didn´t want to sleep in his jeans so they would have to do. He really was going to have to break down, and buy more clothes. Maybe he could talk Buffy into going with him since she had an opinion of what he should wear anyway. Maybe he´d let her get herself some clothes too. Pleased with that idea he closed the trunk, and went on back to the house never seeing the bumpy, robed minion lurking in the bushes. He locked the door behind him, and then wandered through the house to see where everyone was. 

He noticed that Buffy had left a pile of bedding on the couch. Not seeing anyone downstairs, he went up to return Giles´ keys to him. Passing the bathroom he heard water running so he knew his shower would have to wait. He knocked on Joyce´s door, and got a muffled 'come in´ from Giles. 

"Here´s your keys back. Sorry about Angel coming here. I never expected that," Spike apologized. 

"I know, but he insisted. He said he wanted to see this for himself, and some of the papers do require your signature for them to be transferred. Hopefully, he will not be here long. Everytime he comes Buffy tends to be rather depressed for days afterward," Giles sighed from his position on the bed reading. 

"I know. I´ve seen it. I remember how she was when she came back from LA that one time after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I was still a captive audience, and she was taking out her anger on me. Then after she went to deal with the other slayer I definitely stayed out of her way for a while. I even felt bad for soldier boy because he really had to deal with her," Spike told him and saw the Watcher smile. 

"So you, and Buffy are getting along better?" Giles asked, quirking a eyebrow at the man leaning against the door frame, looking decidedly uncomfortable with the question posed him. 

"Better. At least we are talking, and not yelling at one another—that´s a bloody improvement. I will tell you flat out, Watcher, my feelings for Buffy have not changed. I do love her, and I would do anything she ask of me to do, and I will protect her, and Dawn with my life. I´ve been given a bloody second chance, and I´m not going to blow it. Nor am I going to pressure her into doing anything. She´s got enough problems. I know she doesn´t love me, but I´ve known that for awhile. Just being able to be around, and help however I can is enough," Spike told him. 

"I know you care about her. I haven´t been that blind to the way things were with you, and I figured it was because of Buffy you were trying to change. It was the fact that you were a vampire that had me concerned, and worrying whether you were playing some sort of sick game with her, and she was going to end up hurt again like she did with Angel," the older man told him bluntly, letting just a bit of the Ripper surface in his expression. 

"Yeah, I figured that with the lot of you. I know I always will be in Angel´s shadow no matter whatever I bloody do, been that way my entire unlife. That´s why I´ve been trying, so hard to prove myself, to show that being good is a matter of choice, not a bloody soul, but I couldn´t get anyone to listen to me or believe me, so that´s why I had the soddin´ spell worked. Though I am not in the least bit upset at how things worked out. It gives me more hope than I did before. At least I´m not a bloody pansy, and I can keep up with her," Spike said with a deep sigh. "But this bit with her dad does have me worried, especially since he has less of a clue than Joyce did about what is really happening. If the girls don´t want to leave here then I am going to do everything in my power to make sure they stay." 

"We both will. The only thing that has me really worried is Glory, and what her next move is going to be. So far we have had a break these last couple of weeks, but I fear this is just the lull before the storm," Giles confided in him, taking off his glasses. 

"Yeah, me too, but none of my sources have come up with anything either," he relayed. "What I am hoping is that we can get the girls away from here before anything bad comes down. Here in town we´re all bloody vulnerable, and if I understand all this bit about the "Key" it´s time sensitive. If we keep everyone out of reach long enough maybe the hell bitch will be too weak to do whatever it is she´s wanting to do," Spike suggested hopefully. 

"That is a commendable plan, but that leaves the town without protection from the Hellmouth, and Glory herself, and leaving doesn´t do anything about the source of the problem, or those blasted knights that also want to destroy "the Key" so it can´t be used." 

"Forgot about those blokes. At least now I can fight them. At least I hope so. I can fight with Buffy so it must mean the soddin´ chip doesn´t work anymore. Anyway, there´s got to be way to keep those two safe. So far the Slayer is holding up, but she can only take so much," Spike added worriedly, having seen close up how much weigh she had lost since her mom´s death, and how badly she had been sleeping by the dark circles under her eyes. 

Giles nodded, thinking the same thing himself. "It sounds like Buffy´s out of the shower. You best be getting some rest before Angel shows up," he suggested, putting his book and glasses on the nightstand meaningfully. 

Spike got the hint, and stood up. "Yeah, I´m going to try. 'Night, Watcher," he said leaving and then shutting the door before he headed for the bathroom. 

The bathroom was empty, and Buffy´s door was closed, so he figured she had already gone to bed. He went in, and laid his clothes on the counter, seeing himself reflected back in the vanity mirror. He hadn´t really dared to look a himself in all the mirrors he had been by since his change. He had been half afraid to see what he looked like now. It had been so long since he had seen himself, and the man reflecting back was not whom he remembered. The stark bleach blonde hair didn´t look too bad after all, but it was 'going´. He had for almost twenty years now—yeah, he was really due for a change. That wasn´t what he was now, what he wanted the world to see of this new man he had become, was becoming. He still had the scar from when he had fallen off his horse back when he was sixteen. But he was so ghastly pale, and forget the dark circles under his eyes, and the sharp features. So this what people had seen? This was what he had looked like as a vampire? No wonder people had been bloody afraid of him. Hell, he was afraid of the man in the mirror. It was such a contrast from the shy, sensitive aristocrat he had been years ago. There was no innocence in those eyes now that stared so hard, and cold back at him. No wonder Buffy had been afraid of loving him—he was far from lovable. He had cultivated a dangerous air for himself, and he had succeeded, almost too well. 

He quickly stripped, and looked over his body seeing the faint marks of scars all over himself. The one that he had gotten from the plastic stake that Riley had used on him was still visible above his heart as an angry red circle, and the teeth marks of the Ghora´s bite were beginning to fade. He was surprised that they were still visible at all given how his vampire body had used to heal in the past. In all he did have better muscles, and body tone than he had had previously as a human, which was a plus. Over all he wasn´t too unhappy with how he looked, but the hair was very definitely going. And noticing the five o´clock shadow, he´d have to start shaving again at least that was easier than it had been. 

Quickly he peed, then got into the shower after carefully adjusting it. He had been a bit indifferent to what the temperature of anything was before. He was still having a hard time getting used to a living, not undead body. He sincerely hoped that this was not a bloody dream, and he would wake up same as before because he was enjoying being alive, appreciating the gift more than he had the first time around. One of things he was going to do in the next couple of days was go get a through physical to get himself really checked out. Maybe Giles knew someone that wouldn´t ask too many questions, or was used to dealing with strange Hellmouthy things. 

The water felt wonderful, and he used some of Buffy´s shampoo that was so clearly a part of her scent. He felt so different now, like all of his past existence was nothing, but a very bad dream. He was more acutely aware of every sensation, and was feeling like he was finally awake. He had once told her that being turned had made him feel more alive—he had lied, he had been more aware of somethings, but he had lost so much more that he hadn´t realized until now what they were. 

He finished his shower, and got dressed. At the last minute he remembered to hang his towels up as he didn´t want to get yelled at from Buffy about being a slob. Not sure what to do with his dirty clothes he bundled them up, and took them with him downstairs. Spike was surprised to see that his bed on the couch was already made up for him when he went into the living room. Evidently, Buffy had done it while he was upstairs. He grinned a little at her being nice to him. Pushing his senses he could tell she was in her room, and her heartbeat had slowed, so she was finally asleep as was Dawn and even Giles. He´d thank her in the morning. 

Sitting down, he found himself yawning, so he crawled under the covers, and within minutes he was asleep while the silent figure outside kept a watchful vigil over the sleeping household. 

End Part 8 

  


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	9. Part 9

souled9

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 9 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky   
  
  


Part 9 

An hour before dawn, the big black convertible with it´s top up pulled up in front of the house on Revello Drive, and parked behind Giles´ red sports car. Angel didn´t recognize the car because the last thing he had seen Giles drive had been the antique Citron, that he laughing used to tell the Watcher was almost as old as he was. He also noticed that Joyce´s SRV was parked in its old spot, and wondered if Buffy had ever learned to drive yet. 

He felt bad about the late/early hour, and having to wake up everyone because he had had to come see if what both Spike, and Giles had told him over the phone was true, or not. Using his vampire senses he could tell that everyone inside was asleep. He was noting four human heartbeats coming from the house, though outside was something that shouldn´t be there—a demon of some sort. The demon was near the living room window on the far side of house, and hadn´t yet noticed his arrival. Why a demon was hanging around Buffy´s house set off major alarms in Angel´s head as he grabbed an axe from the back floorboard, and carefully got out of car. Angel moved silently like a cat, and managed to get the drop on the ugly little robed minion whose eyes went large, and afraid at the appearance of the huge vamped out vampire carrying a wicked looking battle axe. 

Angel clamped a heavy hand onto the scared minion´s shoulder, and gruffly asked, "what are you doing here? Who sent you?" 

"Her magnificent Glorianous sent me to keep watch over the Slayer, and to see if I could see where she hid the key?" the minion offered, almost falling down from his fear, shaking at the deadly looks he was getting from the vampire who grip had tightened on his bony shoulder. 

"Who?" he questioned not recognizing the name. "Is she a demon, a vampire, what?" Angel asked, not knowing any of Buffy´s current problems. 

"You don´t know, truly? She is a most wondrous God, and the Slayer has her key which she needs to get back to her world. But the Slayer will not give it up, and my mistress needs it very soon because it is time," the minion explained carefully watching Angel finger the axe handle meaningfully. 

"Time?" Angel questioned, leaning forward so the minion could get a real good look at his fangs, 

The minion blanched, very afraid now for its worthless life, and was trying hard to pacify the vampire. "Yes, oh great one. The stars are aligning quickly, and the ritual must be performed otherwise my mistress will be stuck here for forever, and she so much wishes to get back to her own world. Can you not help me in this?" the minion begged. 

"It depends. If this is a good thing or not. Since I don´t know any of this I am going to take you to Buffy, and let her decide what to do with you," Angel told the crusty minion and saw real fear in its eyes. 

"No, I beg you—I can´t! She´ll kill me!" the small demon protested as Angel made him move forward towards the front door as he tried to get away from the large vampire, and make a run for it. 

"Who? Buffy?" Angel asked, dragging the frightened, loudly, whimpering minion on to the porch so he could knock on the front door. 

"No, me, tall dark, and fangy," said a definitely female voice from behind him. 

Angel spun around to see a very attractive blonde in a tight red dress standing on the sidewalk with her hands on her shapely hips looking at him very pissed. "I take it you are this god, Glory—something or other?" Angel asked with a cocked eyebrow, hanging tightly on to the still struggling demon. 

"It´s Glory. And who the hell are you? I never saw so many vampires voluntarily hang around a Vampire Slayer. The whole bunch of you are just too freaking weird for words," she said, shaking her head at how strange this whole group was. 

"I´m sorry if you find us weird. I´m just visiting for now, and I would suggest that you take your minion and go. Buffy is not nice at all when she wakes up, and finds uninvited demons on her doorstep," he told her throwing the crusty one at her making them both fall down in a heap on the sidewalk. 

The front door flew open, and Spike stood there in his t-shirt and Taz boxers looking sleep rumpled and pissed. "What the bloody hell is going on out here?" he roared, glaring at Angel, and then beyond him to see Glory pushing her minion off of her. "Ohh, shit!" Spike exclaimed in fear for everyone as he came fully awake, and aware of the real danger they were all in. Behind him he could hear Buffy, Giles, and Dawn coming down the stairs. He turned quickly, and yelled a warning at them, "Glory´s here." 

"Ohh, Shit!" was Buffy´s response, and she turned to Giles, "you two back upstairs now!" she ordered, and then quickly opened the weapons bag by the door, and got out two loaded crossbows, and a battle axe. Giles grabbed Dawn´s arm, and herded her quickly back up the steps to the safety of her room, so that Spike and Buffy could hopefully deal with the HellGoddess. 

Buffy tossed Spike one of the crossbows which he caught easily as they walked out on to the porch past Angel who was looking bewilderedly on trying to figure out what was going on here, and why Buffy hadn´t let him know she was up against a real god. In perfect sync both Buffy, and Spike aimed their weapons at the goddess who was getting to her feet. Glory looked up at them both annoyed and amused. 

"Well, well, the Slayer and her 'not´ boyfriend. I think you protest too loudly, girl. Guess you had a change of heart since the last time we met," she smirked taking in Spike and Buffy´s almost matching outfits of T-shirts, and cartoon character boxers, except Buffy´s sported the Powerpuff Girls. 

"None of your business what my heart is, or isn´t. What do want Glory?" Buffy demanded, feeling Spike tense beside her. 

"Duh?? My friggin´ key—what do you think? Just give it to me, and I´ll leave you, and this whole stupid, boring town alone," she said putting her arms over her chest, and tapping her high heeled foot impatiently on the sidewalk. 

"No. You´re not getting it ever—I thought I had made it plain the last time," Buffy told her. 

"Damn, you have to make it so friggin hard, you know, 'Miss-- I got to be a hard ass about everything.' I take it you didn´t understand my last message. I thought I was very clear. Unless I get my key, your family, your friends all die. I already left you one dead bird on your doorstep--care to have more?" Glory told her her eyes narrowing dangerously. 

"What dead bird?" Buffy asked almost afraid to get an explaination from the dingy goddess. "You don´t mean…you can´t mean…my mom?" she asked, going pale, and Spike looked worriedly at her, and then back to Glory who was now grinning broadly. 

"The girl gets a Cupie doll," the goddess smirked as she rubbed it in. "She was so sweet, and tasted so good when I sucked her brains out, but golly, I guess her brain couldn´t handle the strain, and something went sort of pop inside like a balloon. I hadn´t really meant for her to die, but ohh well, these things happen—sorry kid," she said laughing proudly at what she had done, and the pain she had caused. 

The three on the porch wanted to commit murder right then, and there as they all took on icy looks, controlling their rage and anger. Now it was all out war, and they were determined to take the goddess out no matter what it took. This time Glory had gone way too far and she was going to pay. 

Spike, and Buffy both let loose their crossbow bolts at the same moment knowing that she would catch them before they reached anything vital, but hoping she´d be too shocked by the attack, so that one of them could get in close enough to do real damage to her. Not expecting them to attack the HellGoddess caught one of the bolts, but missed the other one, and it embedded itself deep into her shoulder. She screamed in rage, and tried to pull the barbed quill out, but couldn´t. Spike tackled her to the ground while Buffy rushed in with her ax, hitting her upside the head repeatedly with it while Spike tried to hold her down. Glory was screaming bloody murder as she tried to fight back under their combined assault, but neither cared how loud she was as they were both snarling and growling themselves. Glory´s minion tried to run away, but Angel threw his axe which caught the demon in the back, and it fell in a heap by the front bushes. 

Then suddenly Glory morphed into Ben surprising all of them, and it almost seemed that he moved into the way of the down swinging axe blade that then decapitated the suddenly human god. Then it was over, they realized. Glory was dead, or they hoped so as Spike got up, and kicked the severed head away with his bare feet from the still male body that was wearing the goddess´ red dress. He didn´t want to take any chances of the bitch reassembling herself some way. 

"Is she dead, dead?" Buffy asked in a small voice looking down at the carnage she had done as she leaned on her bloody axe trying to hold herself upright on wobbly legs. 

"Yeah, she's good, and dead, luv. She won´t be bothering us again," he told her coming over, and taking the axe out of her hands before she dropped it, or fell on it. They both were blood spattered, and shaking badly with the aftereffects of the close battle. 

"That was all there was to it? Just taking her head off?" she asked, beginning to giggle hysterically, and staring to sink down to the dew laden grass. Before she could, Spike swooped her up in his arms as she collasped completely in shock. 

Angel had rushed to her side too, but Spike had gotten to her first, and he was not going to give her over to his grandsire. "I got her, mate," he warned him with a defensive growl. "We best be cleaning up this mess before the neighbors call the cops, and we have to answer questions we can´t answer. I´ll take her inside, you deal with this, and be sure you keep the head separate, just in bloody case," Spike told him meaningfully, looking down at the alternating giggling, and sobbing girl in his arms. 

Angel sighed, and went to his car to get the large trash bags that he carried for such occasions, and started bagging the bodies of Glory, and her minion, and dragging them around back of the house until they could dispose of them properly. Then he came back out, and hosed down the sidewalk of all the blood and made sure all the weapons were accounted for. Just another day at the office he thought as he did it, casting glances at the brightening sky. Since this was Sunnydale he was not surprised no cops had showed up while he had been doing all of this. When he was finally finished, he put his axe back in the car and he went to the door and knocked. Giles opened it, looking at him surprised to see him as if he had forgotten he was there, which he had. 

"Rupert, can I come in?" Angel asked looking back behind him meaningfully towards the sun beginning to rise. 

"Ohh, sorry, Angel, I forgot. Come in please," the Watcher said slightly embarrassed as he stepped aside, and let the vampire come in. 

"I put the bodies around back. I wasn´t sure where else to put them. Figured you´d want to dispose of them yourself. I must say it´s been an very interesting morning already," Angel commented as he took off his trench, and hung it on the coat rack next to Spike´s. 

"Yes, it has. The whole thing was totally unexpected, but at least it´s one less problem that Buffy now has to worry about—thank god," Giles said, so very glad the Hell Goddess was no longer a threat to any of them and hoping that Buffy would finally get a real break from extremely dangerous foes like she had been facing almost every year. 

"How is she?" Angel asked, facing the Watcher, worried about how she had seemed to be falling apart after the battle. He stood there with his hands in his pockets since Giles was seemingly wanting to talk to him and didn´t know how. 

"Truthfully, ….Not good, I´m afraid. I have called Willow to let her know what is happening, and she should be here shortly to help. Buffy, basically has lost it mentally for the moment. She´s in deep shock over killing not only Glory, but it seems Ben as well whom she also knew. Then if I understood Spike correctly, Glory also confessed to have killed Joyce. Then to top this off, we found out last night that her father is coming here in two weeks to take her, and Dawn away, and sell the house. It´s not any wonder that the girl has collasped," Giles explained to him as they stood in the front hallway. 

There was a knock at the door, and Giles opened it to see Willow, and Tara. "We got here as soon as we could, Giles. Hi, Angel, nice to see you," Willow told him as she scooted past, coming in, and closing the door behind them before any sunlight could come in since the house faced East, and got the morning sun. "Where Buffy?" she asked setting down her bags on the floor, and looked expectantly at Giles for a full report. 

"Upstairs in her room with Spike and Dawn. Neither one will leave her side. She just sits there, and stares at nothing, and just twitches. She jumps, and starts hitting if anyone touches her, along with just babbling nonsense, and screaming horribly," he told her as shouting and screaming was heard from above with Buffy yelling like something was killing her, and Spike and Dawn trying to calm her down. Angel and Willow started to go upstairs, but Giles grabbed her arm making her stay, and listen to him. "As bad as that is, I fear it is only going to get worse. But first we need to get her out of those blood stained clothes as the blood is only making her more upset, but she won´t let them help her," he told the red headed witch. 

"We can do that," Tara speaking up and volunteered. "We also brought food too, just in case, even for Angel since Spike doesn´t need it any more," she added, looking embarrassed. 

"Thank you," he told the shy girl who he had only met once before very briefly. 

"No problem, Giles, we´ll get her cleaned up, and try to find some way to reach her and get her back to herself," Willow told him. 

"Good, I need to talk to Angel and explain what has been happening her. You go on up. If you need us we'll be in the kitchen," he added. 

The two girls vanished up the steps and again Angel was left with Giles who´s attention was focused on upstairs, and not his visitor. 

"Rupert, what the hell has been going on here?" Angel finally said in exasperation. "I know neither of our groups has been in contact with one another, and it looks like we should have been. Why didn´t Buffy tell me about all this? Why didn´t any of you? I get here, and find a scabby looking demon looking through Buffy´s window. I grab him to take him to Buffy, and the next thing I know there´s this Glory popping out from nowhere behind me. Then Spike opens the door, freaks, and then he and Buffy are battling this supposed goddess while I just stand there looking lost. Then it´s over, and I´m taking care of the bodies while Spike takes care of Buffy—and when did Spike start caring about her? I know Riley´s gone, but Spike? Someone tell me something—please?" the confused vampire asked running a hand through his hair in exasperation as he listened to Spike argue with Willow and Dawn over Buffy´s bath. 

From what they could both hear clearly was that his ex-childe was insisting that he was going to do it because Buffy was too violent, and strong for them to handle. And them arguing that no, he wasn´t because Buffy would have a fit. Finally, a compromise was worked out to where he carried her in, got her in the tub, they would handle the washing and he could stay close in case she wigged, then he would carry her back. Then he heard people moving and Buffy protesting and then water running and it seemed they were getting her washed. 

Giles looked in sympathy at the vampire who wanted to be up there badly, but whom was clearly on the outside now, and told him, "come with me, I definitely need a cup of coffee. Grab the bag Willow brought, and we´ll fix you up with a cup of blood. I´d suggest something stronger, but it´s too early in the day," Giles told him, and led him towards the kitchen. Making sure the kitchen curtains were tightly closed he motioned for Angel to sit while he fixed them both drinks. 

Once he had the coffee started, he fixed Angel his blood in the microwave, using Spike´s old cup that Joyce had designated for the younger vamp´s visits. When it was done he handed the older vampire the cup, and sat down as he waited for the coffee to finish brewing. During all this he had been trying to figure out where to even begin to explain what had been happening here since there was so much that Angel did not know. "God, I´m not sure where to even begin to start on what has been happening here since you left. So much has changed. I take Buffy didn´t tell you much of anything when you were here for the funeral?" 

"No, not really. She told me there was some new big nasty, but she was dealing with it okay, and she didn´t ask me for any help or explain. She never said word one about Dawn, or any of this. When I talking to you I had the strangeous experience—it was like something shifted or changed in my head when Dawn´s name was mentioned. Like one minute I had never heard of her and I was positive that Buffy never had a sister then bang, I had all these memories of the girl where I was sure none had ever been," he explained to Giles who was only nodding, and watching him. 

"You weren´t imagining things. Up until September, Buffy never had a sister. She was created by an order of monks," he told him, enjoying Angel´s incredulous expression. 

"Huh? How? Why?" Angel asked trying not to choke on his blood. 

"Dawn is the "Key" that Glory was looking for. She was pure energy for who knows how long, and the monks didn´t want Glory to get her hands on the key in any form, so to hide it, and to give it a protector they somehow got samples of Buffy´s blood, and DNA, and made the key into a living human being, namely Dawn. Then to insure her place and to make her blend in—basically hiding the key in plain sight--they also set up false memories of her with everyone she encounters, so that it seems like she has always been here. Even she didn´t know who, or what she was until recently. Though she has learnt to deal with her uniqueness for the most part and tries to be a normal teenage girl which isn´t easy under any circumstances. Now that Glory is gone I don´t know whether she with continue to be the key, or somehow lose that energy she supposedly has, and become just a normal girl. Only Buffy, and I knew from the beginning when Dawn entered our lives, the others, and Dawn have just recently learned only because they had to know the truth," Giles explained, seeing Angel slowly accept what he was telling him. 

"And Spike? I would think he would have been too great of a risk to be let in on the secret," Angel commented. 

"He and Dawn found out together when they broke into the shop, and found my Watcher´s journals. We had been trying to keep the truth from Dawn because we were worried how she would react. She, and Spike despite everyone´s dismay have become very good friends. He has set himself up as her protector," Giles explained as he got his coffee that had finished perking and sat back down, knowing that Angel was having a hard time accepting Spike doing anything, but cause trouble. 

"Spike? You´ve got to be kidding?" Angel laughed, not able to see his grandchilde protecting anything let alone a human teenage girl, especially the slayer´s supposed kid sister. He could see him turning her, but protecting her—no way. 

Giles had to smile at Angel´s astonishment, and was sure someone had mentioned Spike´s chip by now. "Spike has changed greatly over the last year and a half. Ever since he got the chip, and could no longer harm humans he has been forced to make changes in his entire life, and attitudes towards his life." 

"Chip? What chip?" Angel asked puzzled. He had heard nothing about any kind of chip, especially one that would neutralize a vampire as Giles was explaining. 

"You didn´t know about the chip either? Good heavens, I thought at least someone would have let you know about that. After Spike lost the ring of Amara, he came back here, and got captured by the Initative. The same group of scientists that Riley was working for. They put a computer chip in his brain to see if they could modify a vampire´s behavior. Only they weren´t expecting him to escape, which he did. He came to me, and Buffy because he had no where else to go, and to warn us about the commandos, and what they were doing to the local demons. Namely, performing all kinds of nasty medical experiments on them. After his escape he found that if he tried to hurt any living thing he would get a terrible electronic shock in his brain resulting in searing pain he couldn´t easily override. The only thing he found he could hurt, and kill were other demons, so he began to help us out, and take his aggression out on the demon and vampire population here," Giles told him, watching the vampire just shake his head. 

"Ohh, I bet that made him real popular around here." 

Giles smiled on that. "Very, especially when word got out he was working with Buffy, and all of us. In exchange we would give him blood, and money for his help. But to be truthful, he did not work with us very willingly at first, and even in the past couple of months it was still somewhat strained situation. He and Buffy were constantly fighting verbally, and sort of physically whenever they ran into one another. Though I do believe it was worse after Willow´s spell, and Buffy started dating Riley. Suddenly, there was a change in Spike this fall after Dawn arrived on the scene, and after Spike tried to get his chip out and it failed." 

"A change how?" Angel asked fascinated with all this despite himself since Buffy had never told him that Spike had been neutered. He had to wonder why she hadn´t, and why she hadn´t staked her former mortal enemy when she had had the chance. 

Giles took another sip of coffee as he explained, "at first no one noticed, or didn´t want notice, or believe, but he did start trying to help, and he tried hanging around more. Sometimes seeming to appear out of nowhere to help Buffy, or us when we needed help. Though I do admit we all were pretty nasty to him. Despite that he still continued to try and help. The Watcher´s Council, when they came here almost two months ago, even included him in the interviews of Buffy´s friends. Though for his safety, no one on the Council was told about the chip. We may be back working with them, but we still do not trust them after what they have put everyone through," Giles told him. 

"Yes, I know, and Wesley, and Faith feel the same way. But back to Spike. I sense there is more to the story," Angel asked refilling his mug. 

"Yes, we had been noting changes in attitudes on his part towards Buffy, but we really didn´t want to accept what we were seeing since he was a vampire without a soul and hence…," Giles trailed off, unsure whether to go on or not, trying to find a tactful way to say things. 

"Since he wouldn´t be capable of love, or real emotions? Yeah, I got that," Angel told him, seeing Giles nod. The vampire leaned back, and sighed, sadness and shame on his handsome features. "And that is partly my fault for leading everyone to believe that. Not all vampires are capable of real feelings, and emotions. There are a few like Spike that are, that somehow are able to hang on to their base humanity despite the demon. I was with Darla almost two hundred years, Spike stayed with Dru for a hundred, and he did so because he really did care about her and love her. After I was cursed, I thought my having a soul made me better than him, more capable of love, and making the right decisions. I was wrong, Giles, terribly wrong. My experiences with Buffy, and since then have shown me how wrong I really was. Spike, when he cares about someone, cares about them with every fiber of his being ,and he´s loyal, no matter how badly the other person treats them, he will stick it out to the bitter end. As to him and Buffy-- I always suspected he had a thing for her, the way he never could kill her when he first came here, and then later on. Then I´d catch him looking at her watching her while she was fighting—it was a look of wanting her, not of wanting to destroy her if you get my drift. He wanted her from the first time he saw her, but didn´t want to admit it to himself." Angel explained calmly, more than he thought he could. 

"So his being in love with Buffy doesn´t surprise you?" Giles questioned. 

He shrugged. "After all this time—no, not really. I think I always knew he had feelings, but didn´t think they would go anywhere, or he´d make up with Dru again, and forget Buffy since he couldn´t kill her. But does Buffy return his feelings?" was what he really wanted to know. 

"On that I am not really sure. She swears she hates him, but then if he´s in trouble she´s the first to defend him. Their verbal sparring which they never seem to do without is like watching two children in grade school bicker. His recent declaration of love to her had her highly upset, more than was warranted if you get my drift. Her relations with both you, and Riley have scarred her on many levels, so that if she does feel something for Spike she is afraid to admit it. Though his now being human will make it less scary for her if it was his being a vampire that was holding her back," Giles explained, and Angel looked thoughtful as Willow came into the kitchen. 

"Sorry, to interrupt you guys, but Tara and I got Buffy washed, and changed. I gave her something to make her sleep, but she´s not in there when she´s awake. She just stares, like she´s lost off in some world only she can see. Dawn, and Spike are getting dressed, and will be down in a minute. I did want to ask whether Dawn should go to school, or stay home? She´s not really doing that great, but she´s afraid of getting us all in trouble if she doesn´t show up. Spike thinks she ought to go, do normal stuff, because right now all we can do is wait until Buffy snaps out of it. Opinions?" she asked fixing herself a cup of coffee as she looked at the two men. 

"I really don´t know. I had forgotten about this being a school day. If she feels up to going, then she can. Right now there is nothing I can do to make her go, if she doesn´t want to," Giles answered, and Angel just shrugged, not wanting to get into the middle of this as just a visitor. 

However, that did not seem to be Spike´s opinion as they heard his voice tell Dawn, "Nibblet, you´re going, and don´t bloody argue with me. There´s not a damn thing you can do right now for your sis. Besides I know you´ve missed a lot of school as it is. If you don´t show, you´re going get your sis, and Giles in big trouble with the damn juvie authorities, which your Dad will just love so he can prove that this is not a good situation. And we don´t want that, do we?" Spike asked as he and Dawn came into the kitchen to get something to eat. 

"No, I guess not," she answered, shaking her head, giving in to his logic. 

"It will be okay, I promise. If anything more happens I´ll come, and get you myself from school, okay," to told her, making her look at him. 

"Okay," she agreed, sighing in defeat. 

"Good," he said giving her a quick peck on the forehead. "Now, show me what there is to eat. I´m bloody starved." 

Dawn went over, and rooted through the kitchen cabinets while Spike turned, and faced his audience. The 'adults´ were looking at him with raised eyebrows. Willow and Giles were both suitably impressed, because they had both spent time arguing with Dawn, and knew how difficult and stubborn she could be. "What? I was only doing what needed to be done. Can´t be having the bloody authorities down on our necks on top of all of this. And her staying out of school is the quickest way for them to get a bloody in. Surprised we didn´t have the cops sniffing around as it was," he told them as he got a cup from the cabinet and fixed himself a cup of coffee with lots of sugar, and Kaluha favored creamer, then sat down near his ex sire who was trying to get over his disbelief at what he had just witnessed. 

Willow went over to Spike, and put her hand on his shoulder, "thanks, at least you got her to listen to you. You want to ride with me when I take Dawnie to school? I´m going to run by the shop, and pick up some books, and stuff. I got an idea to try and see if I can get into her head, and try to get her to come back, but I don´t have all the stuff I need here," she explained. 

"Sure, though I did need to talk to Peaches here about some stuff," Spike told her as Dawn handed him a bowl of some sugar something or other cereal with pink, green and yellow marshmallows in it. He took a bite, and grinned at her as he started eating. Giles, Willow, and even Angel cringed hoping that the cereal did not make him more hyper than he already was normally. Dawn sat down opposite him looking innocent as she ate her own non marshmellowy cereal, not worried in the least at how wound it might make the ex-vampire—'course she wasn´t going to be with him all day either. 

"We can do it later, since it looks like I am going to be here for the day. Go ahead, and go with Willow," Angel told him. 

He looked at his ex-sire gratefully as he did want to talk to Willow. Turning back to the red headed witch, Spike told her, "I guess it´s a go then. Let me finish up here, and give us a holler when you´re ready." 

"I´ll go tell Tara, to let her know what we´re doing. She´ll stay with Buffy until we get back," he told him and started to leave. 

"A spell to get into Buffy´s head? Do you think that´s wise, Willow? It could be dangerous for both you, and her," Giles called out to her worriedly, having listened to their conversation. 

That stopped her, so she turned, and faced Giles seriously, "she can´t stay like this, Giles. Right now she´s on vegetable level. The only other option is to take her to one of the head shrinks at the hospital, and that´s a really bad idea, especially if she starts talking about gods, and demons, or vampires because they´ll really think she´s looney tunes. We know she´s in there, but I think she can´t find the way out. I just want to help her. Besides, I´ve gotten way stronger. No more nose bleeds in a while. It´ll be cool, I promise," she reassured him as she grabbed her coffee, and another cup for Tara, then headed out of the room before Giles, or anyone else could voice any further objections. 

"Is she that bad, Spike?" Angel asked him after Willow left. 

Spike stopped eating, and got serious, knowing anything he said was not going to sound good, but they needed to know. "Yeah, she is. I´ve seen the Slayer a lot ways, seen her handle stuff that you, and I would have had a hard time handling in old days, but this she´s almost gone Dru without the babbling, and the visions so far. It wasn´t the killing Glory that did it, it was when Glory morphed into Ben, and she killed him that did it. In her mind he was a human being. She´s never killed a human being before. But he had lied to her too. He was something other than what she thought he was. She thought he was okay, normal, you know like soldier boy. Then she had almost gone out to coffee with him on a date, and backed off before she did according to the girls. She had also trusted him with Dawn, thinking he was okay. Then to find out that Glory really was responsible for Joyce´s death it pushed her over the edge, I think. There´s been so much happening to her before, and since Joyce´s death, that it all caught up with her. She´s never really let herself have time to grieve for her mom because she had to stay in bloody control all the time—yeah, she´s entitled to a breakdown," Spike said with a sigh, getting up to go over and getting himself another cup of coffee from the pot. 

"I´m gathering that from what Giles has been telling me. Why didn´t any of you let me know what was going on?" Angel asked, looking around the room at everyone, hurt because he had been kept out of the loop. 

Giles wasn´t sure what to say to him, but Spike had a ready answer. "So you could do what? Come riding in here like the bloody cavalry? We all were handing things just fine, even with soldier boy gone. If Buffy wanted your help she would have asked you, and it wasn´t our place to let you know. Besides, it sounds like you have more than your own share of messes to deal with in LA. Dru paid me a visit by the way, and let me know a few things. I take it you´re back on track now?" Spike asked him meaningfully, not wanting to go into detail in front of Dawn, and Giles unless Angel pushed him. But Giles raised an inquiring eyebrow, and he made a mental not to himself to find out from one of them what Angel had been up to. 

"Yeah, back on track," Angel glared at him, but he was grateful that Spike had not said anything to the group from their puzzled glances at both of them. "So this thing that Willow wants to try—is it safe?" 

Spike shrugged, "I don´t know, mate, but anything is worth a shot. If we don´t do anything, she might come out of this eventually on her own, or she might never do it. If that happens I will be here for her no matter what. I´m not leaving her no matter how it comes down, or little sis for that matter," he told Angel seriously, and the vampire was surprised at the intensity of emotion he saw reflected on the now human man. Turning his attention back to Dawn who was taking her bowl to sink and running water in it, he asked her, "you, aren´t you supposed to be getting your stuff together for school?". 

She shot him a nasty look, "Yeah, I´m going. You guys are always running me off," she said in a huff. "See you later, Angel," she said and went off to get her stuff for school. 

"I must say, Spike, you do have a knack with Dawn. Usually her, and Buffy are almost coming to blows every morning, and she practically ignores me," Giles commented him. 

"Little bit, and I reached an understanding a while back. She knows she can´t push me, not on the important stuff, and I treat her like she has a brain, not a bloody kid. I tell her the truth, and don´t dance around things like the rest of you do, or keep her in the dark like everyone did about who, and what she was. Which reminds me—if Glory is gone is she still whatever she was?" 

"I don´t know—I suppose. I just wish we knew more about the key, and what it is supposed to do, and if anyone besides Glory can use it," Giles told them both. 

"Maybe Wesley might know something, or get a lead on it if you let him know what info you have," Angel offered. 

"Yes, I´ll give him a call later after I´ve checked on Buffy," he said, looking thoughtful at the dark haired vampire. 

"One thing, Rup´, I think we need to start thinking about giving Dawn some practical marital arts training for her own defense. As it is the girl is wide open, and helpless against any of the normal nasties in this town. She wanted me to ask you about it. She´s tried of everyone having to come to her rescue, and being afraid. In fact, the whole lot of the Scoobies need to be better trained. No offense, Rupert, they are a real pathetic lot when they are out on patrol. I´m surprised they´ve survived this long as it is," Spike told the older man who was looking at him surprised. 

"That´s rather a change of heart on your part," Giles shot back, both amused, and insulted. 

Spike smiled as did Angel, trying to stay out of this one. "When I was a vamp, them being not too efficient was to my bloody advantage in a fight, now that I´m human, they´re a bloody liability. If you want I can help out on the training part—at least that´s one thing I can still do is fight, especially with Buffy maybe out of commission," Spike told them talking a sip of his coffee. 

"Okay, I might take you up on that. I do know Xander has been complaining about not knowing what he´s doing, and so has Willow, and with them I have only given them basic defense moves, and been saving all the real training for Buffy. It seems I should have been giving them more, not less over the years," Giles replied, looking more than a little thoughtful at the ex-vampire. 

Willow popped into the doorway with a not too happy looking Dawn behind her. "Spike, are you about ready? If we don´t hurry, Dawnie will be late," she told him. 

"Coming, Red. Let me make a pit stop and I´ll be with you. There were some bloody advantages to being a vampire—no having to deal with friggin´ restrooms," he grumbled as he got up. "I´ll talk to you both later after I get back. See ya, Peaches, Rup´," he told them in parting, then stopped dead in his tracks then turned around. "Did you bring any cash, Peaches?" he asked, and Angel nodded, reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out a thick envelope that he handed over to Spike which he tore open, and glanced through grinning, "Good work, mate. While I´m out I need to pick up some things, so Red and I might be gone a bit longer," he told them both. 

"Understood," Giles replied, curious, but not wanting to get into Spike´s personal affairs too much. 

"You finish dealing with the banks while I´m out as I´m going need to set some things in motion, and I need the money available when I need it, got it?" he asked his ex-sire. 

"Got it. I´ll get it done," Angel replied touching his warm, now human hand just to verify what his senses had been telling him, that his former childe was indeed fully human and alive once again. The vampire only hoped that Spike would make better use of his gift than Darla had with hers. 

"Good, I´ll be back later, and we can go over all the bloody paperwork," he told him, and then he left,   
going past the girls to go upstairs for a moment. 

A couple of minutes he was back down, after poking his head into Buffy´s room to see how she was doing. He could tell that she was deeply asleep and for the moment was calm and peaceful. Tara was sitting there in a chair next to her reading a book so he left them both alone, and went down to go with Dawn and Willow. They were waiting from him at the bottom of the steps, and not looking happy as they both stared at their watches. 

"God, I am going to be so late," Dawn grumbled, as she shot him a glare she opening the door. 

"You try coming back after being dead for over hundred years, and see if you remember how your body works," he told them and they shook their heads at him and walked out the door. 

He winced back instinctively from the bright sunlight pouring through the front door before he remembered that it couldn´t hurt him anymore. Habits, he thought to himself as he braced himself and saw the sun play over his body without harm. It really wasn´t a dream, and he was very much alive. Grabbing his trench he followed the girls out the door, feeling like a prisoner let out of prison for the first time. Despite all the other not right things that were still going on, he was in a good mood enjoying the early morning sunlight, the colors, and just being alive. 

End part 9   


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	10. Part 10

souled10

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 10 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

Part 10   
  


He got into the back while Dawn got up front with Willow, after they dropped her off he would get up front, but for now he was taking in the landscape, marveling how different everything did look, and making a mental note to get his eyes checked as soon as possible because things were more than a little blurry around the edges. "Will, when does the bloody Mall open?" he asked her from the back seat. 

"About nine. Why?" she asked, still trying to get used to actually seeing him in her rear view mirror. 

"Can we make a run through there? I need to get some things real quick at a couple of the stores. Won´t take long," he promised. 

"I guess, I didn´t want to be gone too long because of Tara and Buffy," she told him. 

"I know, neither do I, but the Slayer was sleeping when I looked in on her ,and there´s Angel and Giles there too in case anything happens. Since we´re out I´d thought I´d ask," he told her. 

"Yeah, we can do it. I´ll call Giles once we get there so they don´t worry," she told him and he nodded knowing she could see him now and he went back to checking out the sunlight view of the town. 

They arrived at Dawn´s school, and she got out while Spike got out to move to the front seat. He looked at her pointedly. "You—stay put until one of us comes gets you, okay? We´ll get big sis, fixed up, I promise," he told her. 

"I hope so. I can´t lose her too, Spike," she said giving him a quick hug which surprised him. "Be there when I get home—please?" she asked him. 

"Yeah, I´ll be there Nibblet, just you behave, and do what you´re supposed to," he told her, his eyes letting her know he did care about her, but if she screwed up she would have to deal with him, and she nodded and headed into the building getting lost in the sea of similar age teenagers. 

"Have a good day," Willow called to her, hoping that she had heard her. She sighed, looking at her watch, "the Mall should be opening about the time we get there. Where all are we going?" she asked being nosy as she looked at him, still trying to get used to seeing him in sunlight. 

"The one hour glasses place for one," he said with a touch of embarrassment. "I´m bloody blind as a bat, more so since I don´t have the vamp improving the situation," he confessed, and she giggled as she pulled into traffic. "Hey, it´s not that bloody funny. I wore bloody glasses before I was turned, okay? And I still had to use reading specs even as a vamp. Being a vampire does not cure everything," he added, sloughing into his seat, trying not to look at her reaction to his weakness. 

"It´s kind of hard to imagine you with glasses," she said, trying not to laugh and be more sympathetic. 

"I´m going to see if I can wear contacts,. I don´t want Xander making fun of me. Had enough of that before from people, thanks," he told her, remembering all the teasing he used to get because he was young and had to wear glasses which at that time were very expensive and hard to make. 

"Xander can be cool with it. Now that you´re human, he´ll calm down on the jokes and all," she reassured him as she drove. 

"I bloody well hope so. Other thing I´m doing, and don´t start laughing on me, Red, is that I am going to do something about my bloody hair. Now that I can see myself, it´s got to go. It is pretty ghastly, and does make me stand out—too bloody much. I can see why the lot of you were making fun of me. I´m rebuilding my image, all of it. As long as I look like my old self then I´m going to be a bloody target, and I´m tired of being a bloody target. I´ve got to be a better man than I was," he said, folding his arms across his chest, his jaw set in determination. 

"You are going for radical changes, aren´t you?" Willow asked looking at him as they pulled into the Mall parking lot. 

"Maybe, don´t know yet. But this isn´t some over night whim, it´s stuff I´ve been thinking about for a while. Ever since the chip, I´ve had a lot of time to think, and try to figure what all I was doing wrong—you know? And then when I realized I was in love with Slayer, really in love with her, I knew I had to change if I had any bloody chance in hell with her at all. And I knew I didn´t have a chance as a vampire, the way I was—no soul, and all, but this being human was beyond my wildest bloody dreams. Whatever you did, thank you, Red, for giving me a bloody chance to be alive again," he told her sincerely. "It´s the greatest gift anyone could have given me, and anything you ever need, or want let me know—anything," he told her, meaning it sincerely. 

"Don´t worry about it. Evidently, it was meant to be otherwise it wouldn´t have happened, that´s what I think, and have to believe. I´m just glad you´re cool with it—I was afraid you´d be mad, not being a vampire anymore," she said as they parked. 

"I was shocked at first, and worried that I´d be bloody useless as a human, but somehow I still have part of the vampire. I still got the speed, and the strength, and abilities like I did, so I´m basically like Buffy now. There´s not that much difference—except the bloody bad eyes, but you can´t have everything, huh, pet?" he said with a slight laugh as he unbuckled his seat beat and got out to go around, and open her door for her. 

"And wow, polite too. I could get used to this," she grinned getting out. 

"I can be a bloody gentleman when I want to be, just wish Buffy would appreciate it more," he said as they walked towards the Lenscrafters whose entrance was on the outside of the Mall. 

Once they got there it didn´t take long to get him in to see a doctor, and get his eyes checked. He was marveling, and how far things had come since he had gotten glasses as a human. Willow helped him pick out his frames as he had no idea what looked good or not and there were so many to chose from which was making him frustrated and agitated having too many choices. He ended up getting two pairs, and another set of frames for sunglasses, plus a prescription for disposable contacts. Since he knew he was going to be fighting having extras seemed like a good bet. Then he saw that they had specialty glasses, and goggles. He also put in a special order for night vision goggles. Though they wouldn´t be ready for several weeks, they would come in handy for some of their patrols even though he could still see fairly well at night, more than the other Scoobies could. Since it would take a while for the glasses to be ready they decided to go ahead, and do his other shopping instead of sitting around waiting. 

The hair was next. They debated between just doing it at home, or letting a professional do it. Willow talked him into letting someone else do it, and drug him into a shop that catered to both sexes. He explained what he wanted, and the stylist look him in hand, and off to a cubicle in the back. Thirty minutes later he emerged sans bleach blonde hair. It was now a soft dark ash blonde in loose waves and tousled curls. Willow was very suitably impressed with the results, and began to wish she wasn´t gay, and that he wasn´t so in love with Buffy. Damn, he looked good, she sighed. He paid for his 'do´, and got some hair products to take care of new his hair, plus gave his stylist a big tip for the great job she had done on him. 

Next was a trendy mens clothing store where he picked up several shirts, some slacks, some jeans, and T-shirts, plus sweats, and underwear. Most of his clothes were fairly conservative in shades of blues and grays, and he avoided anything that even vaguely looked like something Xander might wear. He even got a pair of running shoes, and a pair of dress shoes from the shoe store next door. 

His shopping complete for the moment he turned to Willow, and asked, "See anything you fancy, or anything Buffy, or Dawn might like while we´re here?" 

"Lots, but you don´t have to get me anything," Willow tried to protest. 

He looked at her, raising a determined eyebrow. "I insist. It´s my treat to you for giving me back my life," he grinned down at her. 

She squirmed a little under his intense gaze, and finally broke down. "Okay,… there was this dress I´d been eyeing, but couldn´t afford since I´m on a budget with school, and all," she said, and he smiled. 

"Here," he said pulling out five hundred dollars, and handing it to her, and she looking at him in surprise. "You go get whatever you want. I want to go get something for Buffy. I´ll meet you back at the glasses place in about fifteen, twenty minutes—that okay?" he asked her. 

"Yeah,… sure," she stuttered. "No problem, and like wow, …thanks," she said as she walked away, kind of dazed by his generosity. 

As soon as she was lost in the crowds, he went into the drugstore, and made a couple of purchases, then he went over to the jewelry store. He had seen the perfect thing he want to give to Buffy a while back when he had wandered through around Buffy´s birthday, but at the time he had had only had enough money to get her the box of chocolates. Money was not a problem now. He could give her anything she wanted. It was a really good feeling. 

Going inside he had the clerk get out the gold, intricate Celtic knotwork band that had the diamond chips in between the knots in each of the running dogs eyes. He had no idea why this piece seemed like her, and he felt he had to have it instead of just getting her a diamond solitaire, but he didn´t think they were quite up to engagement rings—yet. He hoped she´d accept it from him just out friendship if nothing else. For Dawn, he saw a necklace with a cute, goofy looking lock and key, and got it for her. For himself he got a watch since time was important to him now. In another case he saw a thick wristband made out of gothic style crosses and skulls, and a matching, large, carved with protection symbols, silver cross on a heavy chain to go around his neck and added those to his purchases. He wasn´t going to take any bloody chances now about one of his former kind trying to turn him back. He put the cross, the wristband, and the watch on before leaving the store, and had the girl´s gifts wrapped up with fancy wrapping and ribbons. 

Looking at his watch he hoped he hadn´t kept Willow waiting too long. He was almost at the door when he heard her come up behind him all breathless. "Sorry, I thought I was running late," she apologized trying to juggle her bags. 

"Nope, right on time," he reassured her, opening the door for her. 

His glasses were ready, and he sat down to get fitted. He decided to wear the gold rim ones because they had UV lens that would change according to light so he wouldn´t have to wear the almost black sunglasses outside. Those were more for show any way than sun protection. 

"So what do you think?" he asked Willow, turning so she could get the full effect of the new him. 

She looked at him, not believing it was him as he was looking so different now. He somehow looked kinder, gentler than he ever had. There was a vulnerability to him that hadn´t been present before. He was still damn good looking, and still had the bad boy edge, but it wasn´t as threatening as it had been. "Impressive, very impressive. If I didn´t know it was you, then I´d have a hard time knowing it was you," she told him smiling and thinking if Buffy didn´t like the new and improved Spike she be nuts. She´s take him in a heartbeat if she wasn´t gay and spoken for. 

He was so very different looking now with the glasses, and different colored hair, almost a young Giles, but way, way better looking. He looked very studious, and scholarly in a way, probably looking closer to what he had originally looked like before he was turned. She wondered if were any pictures of him from then to compare to? All the Watcher´s journals said nothing about his former life.—she was getting real curious now as to who he had been. And what was with all this sudden money—where had it come from? She had seen Angel hand him an envelope of money, but she had gotten the strong impression that it wasn´t like it was Angel´s money, but rather his to begin with, and Angel had only been keeping track of it for him. 

She also noted the new cross around his neck, the matching wristband, and expensive looking watch which he must have gotten while they had gone their separate ways shopping. Yeah, he was serious about staying mortal. And if the word got out about his changing then he really was going to be a prime target for the locals demons. When they got to the shop she´d see if he wanted to get his new items blessed and make them doubly potent protection wise. 

"Good, that´s what I was going for," he grinned back. "God, it´s so good being able to bloody see again—so that´s what you really look like, Red—wow, not bad at all," he grinned eyeing her up, and down and making her blush under his teasing scrutiny. "This sure beats seeing you as a blob," he smiled, and she giggled at his look of childlike joy at being able to focus on stuff now. He collected his purchases, thanked the staff, and they left. They piled all their bags and purchases in the back seat, and sat back exhausted. "That was fun," Willow said finally, putting her seat belt on. 

"Yeah, having money, is nice for a change. I had forgotten how nice it was being able to just go, and buy anything you wanted. Can´t steal anymore, too easy to get caught now, and besides, I want to do this the right way," he replied, fixing his belt. "So what did ya get for yourself?" he asked, and saw her blush. 

"Just stuff, and yes, I did get stuff for Tara, and for Buffy, and Dawn. Thought maybe Buffy might like a new outfit once we get her back to herself. I just hope what I´m going to be doing is going to work," she told him with a touch of worry still in her voice as she started the car, and headed to the Magic Box. 

"It´ll work. I have faith in you, Red. You´re one hell of a witch now. Quite the change from the girl I first met." 

"Have I changed all that much?" she dared to ask. 

"Lots. You were so scared back when I first came to town, but you always impressed me about how you could stand up for yourself, and keep your head when everyone else was bloody well losing it. When you teleported Glory—wow, I was very impressed. Not all witches can do that kind of high magick," he told her. He had woke up from being knocked out from Glory in time to see her do that and had been shocked that she had come that far along magick wise. He had also made a mental note to himself not to get her pissed off at him. Hard telling what or where he´s end up and very glad that Buffy didn´t have similar abilities to do such things. 

"Yeah, I didn´t think I was that good—really. And Tara gets on my case for doing things she thinks I´m not ready for. I´m always studying, wanting to learn more, but she´s not liking it at all. But I got to learn so I can help. Tara just doesn´t understand," she told him, grumbling about her mate. And she and Tara had been fighting more and more over how advanced she was becoming, and in Tara´s opinion trying things that were too dangerous without taking enough safeguards. 

"Give her time. It´s hard when you are better than your friends at something, especially magicks. I try to keep away from the bloody stuff as much as I can, but Angelus, and Dru--they were real hot to learn, so I did a little just for my own self preservation, so I would know what the hell they were bloody up to. I can do things in a pinch, but I don´t want to unless I have to, got it?" he told her being serious, and she looked at him in surprise, though she had suspected for a long time he knew more than he had let any of them know about having a real knowledge of working magick. 

"Got it. I thought you did, but I wasn´t sure. You´re the one that did the ritual to restore Drusilla at the church, weren´t you?" she asked, wanting to make sure she was right in her suspicions. 

"Yeah, had to because I wanted Dru back to her old self," he grudgingly admitted, not meeting her eyes. "That was a bloody mistake since the lot of you came in to stop it at the last moment, and the damn church came down around me putting me into the bleedin´ wheelchair for months. Then all she wanted was her damn daddy, not me after all I had done for her—bitch," he said angrily, sounding like his old self. "But that´s past, gone, and done. She´s done, and gone. Sent her back on her merry way when she came here to look me up and go back to LA with her. But I discovered I didn´t want her, Red. Even though she was all willing, and could have killed for me until I got the soddin´ chip out—I didn´t want her, all she did was repulse me. It was after she killed that couple at the Bronze that I knew I couldn´t go back to being like I was—my heart just wasn´t into being all evil anymore. It was finally over between her, and me. I was just about ready to send her on her way when I found Buffy down below going through my private stuff in the tunnels under my crypt. I keep replaying that whole scene over, and over in my head, and wished it all could have been different—like what the hell was the bloody slayer doing there anyway? Never could figure that out," he said, still puzzled about why Buffy had had to pick that time to go snooping, and had been there at all after their conversation. He hadn´t planned on her even coming near him for a while since she was so upset and he had planned to let her cool off—a lot before attempting to talk to her again. 

"It was my fault, Spike. I told Buffy to go talk to you that night after she came back from the warehouse and told her mom and me what had happened. She was freaking. We all we kind of freaking because it seemed like it was coming out of left field, you know," she said looking over at him. 

He nodded, embarrassed. "I know it seemed that way to her too. I hadn´t wanted to tell her—at least not that ways. I bloody well knew I was caught because evidently Dawn must have said something to her by the look on her face and what she said. So like a real bloody fool, I started confessing everything, and I could see Buffy freaking, but I kept on hoping that some way I could get through to her, let her know it was for real, and that I wasn´t going to be like Angel, or Captain Cardboard. All I wanted her to do was to admit that she had feelings too—and she does. I know it, I could feel it whenever we got near one another. But she was, and is too bloody scared, and hurting to let herself feel. All I wanted to was just talk about it, but she bolted, and ran. After she left I went home and there´s Dru waiting for me. On one hand I was glad to see her, and see that she did still want me, especially after the way Buffy had rejected me, still I didn´t feel right about it because of what I felt about the Slayer. Then bloody Harmony showed, and made a scene, and I threw her out because I was tired of her crap. After that Dru, and I went to the Bronze which was dumb—I admit it. I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn´t stop her, because it was almost like old times, and I wanted to be her "William" again, but after Dru killed that couple, and I took the girl´s blood I realized I never would be, ever again. That William was dead, gone. I was too bloody changed by all that had happened to me to go back to the man Dru wanted me to be," he said with a sigh, shaking his head, replaying the events of that night in his head and wishing it had gone so much different. 

"So what did happen at your crypt? I got Buffy´s version—what´s yours?" Willow asked very interested in actually hearing his side of the story. 

"You´re really wanting hear all this?" he asked surprised. 

"Yeah, I figured there was more to all of what happened then what Buffy told us." 

"Glad to see someone opened minded for a change, and letting me explain my side of the mess. And it was a bloody mess—I admit it. If Buffy just hadn´t showed when she did, none of this would have gone down the way it did. To get back to what I was saying--anyway Dru, and I get back from the Bronze. I´m high on fresh human blood after months on the pig swill, and there´s Buffy nosing around, and she´s just found my shrine. And she´s in shock over that. It was my bloody shrine, and I never wanted her to know about it, or see it—I mean a guy has to have his private stuff, you know?" he asked, and she nodded trying to concentrate on the road and listen to him at the same time. 

"Anyway, I´m all giddy from the blood, Dru´s standing there, the Slayer´s in shock, then she sees Dru and starts to react. From somewhere Dru has found this cattle prod, and she shocks Buffy who goes down, and then shocks her again before I can stop her, talking about tying her up, and playing with her. I get bloody pissed, grab the prod, and shock Dru who goes down. Then I get this really stupid idea to tie them both up, Buffy in particular, so I can make her sit still, and listen to me. So I chain Buffy up, then tie Dru up good, and tight because I don´t want her attacking Buffy. When Buffy wakes up she´s mad which is to be expected, but then I tell her why, so I can make her listen to me. She´s too mad to listen which makes me madder, then Dru isn´t helping with her bloody comments, and I almost stake her to prove to Buffy that I do love her. And none of it is going the way I wanted. Then in the middle of this Harmony shows back up with a bloody crossbow, and shots me in the back, and we start wrestling around. Meanwhile, Buffy and Dru are trying to get loose, and Dru does. She goes after Buffy. I see that happening in the nick of time, and knock Dru out of way, and let Buffy loose. Dru tells me I´m lost, and slinks off out the back way. Meantime Harmony has recovered, and is telling me off with Buffy looking on. As soon as Harm leaves Buffy decks me a good one into the shrine, and then storms off. After I pick myself up, I go run to catch up with her, which I did just before she gets to her house, trying to apologize, and talk to her. That´s when she tells me to get out of her life, her town—anyway, you know the bloody drill, and I tell her I´m staying, and she can´t shut me out of her life. She gets mad again, and I follow her still, and was hoping I could get Joyce or Dawn to help me out once I got inside, when bam I run into the bloody barrier that wasn´t there before, and I´m shocked, hurt—after all this time—now she puts up a barrier? Then she slams the door in my face, and after a while I finally go home," he explained, the pain of the memories of that night clear on his face. 

"Buffy asked me to put the barrier up because she was so shook. Though I had forgotten it wasn´t up all this time. Yeah, after it being down for a year or so, it kind of blew me away too she wanted it. I mean before you had been threatening to kill her, and could have any time, and then when you tell her you love her it´s like worse than anything. I couldn´t understand why your caring about her was such a horrible thing, and neither could her mom. We were real confused. We thought it would have made you less of a threat not more," Willow told him as she pulled in front of the shop, and parked seeing that Anya was already there. 

"You and Joyce thought she was nuts too? Thank god," he told her gratefully looking heavenward. "I just wanted her to know she was safe with me, and I would never ever try to hurt her, her family, or any of you, but somehow she just couldn´t see it, or didn´t want to. And then I messed up everything when Dru showed. Maybe now, I can set things right. I do love her, Red, more than life. She´s all I want, care about. I just hope that someday she will care about me just a little. God, I sound like a bloody wanker," he said, ducking his head embarrassed. 

But Willow had heard the pain in his voice as he had told his story, and listened when he confessed how much he did love her friend, and she knew he was for real. Spike was totally in love with Buffy just like Dawn had told her. And she knew that Buffy did have feeling for him too beyond the loathing, and disgust like she kept trying to claim. She had watched her around the vampire for three plus years now, and knew there was something going on between them. But because he had been a vampire Buffy wasn´t going to reciprocate, and had been fighting herself when she had wanted to do the opposite, and just give in totally like she had under the spell. Even her relationship with Riley had been doomed from the beginning because Buffy had had feeling for Spike, and everyone had given her so much hell for Angel that Buffy had been afraid to be with who she did really want to be with, and had settled on Riley because he was normal and acceptable. 

"No you don´t, Spike. You´re just real, and honest with your feelings. It takes a real man to be brave enough to say how he feels." 

"Really, you´re just not saying that?" he asked hopefully. 

"It´ll be okay. I´m sure you can work things out with Buffy. I think she does care, just give her some time to get adjusted to the new you and it´ll work out. You two were made for one another," she told him getting out of the car. 

"Thanks, Red. I feel a whole lot better now. Let´s get whatever it is you need, and get her fixed up, and back to her old self," he said with a happy smile, and now real hope in his heart. He got out too, and they locked it up, with all the stuff inside. 

End Part 10   
  
  


**************************************************************************** 

  
  


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	11. Part 11

souled 11

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 11 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky   
  
  


Part 11   
  


Anya had the shop opened already they noted when they opened the door, and walked in. The former demon looked up seeing Willow, and not recognizing Spike at all, except for his black clothes and trench. "Hi, Willow. Giles called, filled me in on what happened. Is that you, Spike?" she asked staring open mouthed at the transformation that had taken place in him. 

"Yeah, it´s me. Like the new look?" he smiled, spinning around before coming down the step to where she was at while Willow headed to the phone to check in with Giles, and to let him know that they were at the shop. 

"Like wow. It´s so different—the hair—the glasses, especially the glasses," she said, deciding it was a good look for him after all. 

"I got contacts too, probably ought to be trying them out, but it´s so bloody nice to be able to see again. Don´t think I look like a bloody poof, do you?" he asked, enjoying the attention. 

"No, …definitely not," she said and keeping her comments for once to herself that she thought he looked a little like a younger, much better looking version of Giles. "So you are enjoying being human. My first few days were terrifying, and real confusing for me," she told him as she unpacked a box, and checked the items off the invoice. 

He shrugged leaning his elbows on the counter, noticing she wasn´t cringing back as she normally did before when he was a vampire. "I will say it´s bloody strange after all this time, but I´m starting to get the hang of it. I like it being able to really feel things. So did Giles tell you about us killing Glory who was also Ben this morning? And about how messed up Buffy is?" he asked her, changing subjects. 

"Yeah, we would have come over, but Xander had to go to work. He´s getting to be foreman for a whole big project downtown, and the big bosses want to go over things with him on the new job, so he couldn´t beg off, and not show. Then someone had to open the shop because Giles needs to be there with Buffy and Tara since Angel is there. Why is he here anyway? Giles wasn´t too clear on that," she asked him. 

"I called him, needed to get some of my paperwork back from him. He´s been holding it since the mansion. Then he wanted to see if I was really human, and I guess see Buffy again, so he drove down here last night. Since he was going to show up early, Giles, and I crashed at Buffy´s. Lucky thing too since Angel found one of Glory´s minions outside, and next he knows she´s there behind him. I heard the ruckus, and opened the door to see her, warned Buffy, and we grabbed weapons. We just wanted her to leave, but then she started mouthing off. It´s when she told us she had killed Joyce that we both lost it, and went after her. We were both beating her to a bloody pulp when suddenly she changed to Ben, and he tells the Slayer to end it, and she lops off his head. Then it was over—no more Glory, no more worries for any of us especially Dawn. She´s safe now or until some other nasty decides they want the bloody 'key´," he told her giving her a brief run down on what had happened. 

"Sounds messy. So she´s dead. Dead in not going to come back dead?" she asked enthusiastically with a large grin, finishing up the first box, and starting in on another. 

"We think so. Going to burn the bodies soon as we can, then destroy the ashes just to be safe. Right now we got to worry about Buffy. She snapped during the battle, and collasped afterwards. She´s lost somewhere in her mind. Willow´s going to try going in, and seeing if she can reach her, and bring her back," he told her, and she nodded. 

"Yeah, got to be all the stress. She really needs a vacation. How´s Dawn? Is she okay?" Anya asked, remembering to ask. 

He straightened up, and leaned back against the counter. "Fine. Relieved that Glory is gone. And mad that I made her go to school. She wasn´t too happy about that. Buffy would have wanted her to, and there wasn´t anything she could do except just sit around and worry," he told her and she nodded in approval over his getting Dawn to cooperate. 

"True, and the school people have been getting on Buffy, and Giles case about Dawn missing so much school. She´ll probably have to take summer classes to get caught up. Then Buffy just dropped out of college so she could stay home, and deal with everything." 

"She did? Hadn´t heard that. I thought she liked going to college," he asked surprised, and a little dismayed that the Slayer had gotten so overwhelmed that she had quit school. 

"She did, but since she now has to be full time mom, run a house, then there was all her slaying duties, and worrying about Glory showing up again, something had to give. She hopes she can go back next fall after it quiets down. In the meantime she was looking for part time work, so she could make ends meet. But not here, since Giles was already helping her out," she explained. 

"The slayer was going to work? She didn´t have a job yet that she has to check in on, did she?" he asked in case someone had to call in for her. 

Anya shook her head. "No, not yet. But she was looking." 

'Good,´ he thought, 'at least she doesn´t have try to explain anything to a boss.´ It had been harder on Buffy that he had thought once her friends started opening up, and filling him in on things. Whether she wanted his help, or not he was going to help her, so she didn´t have to worry about meeting ends meet, or her dad, or anything. Giving up slaying would be nice too, but she couldn´t it was in her blood, what she was. He would just have make sure that she survived, and did manage to make it to a ripe old age, so she could retire rather than die. 

"Maybe, something will pop up to solve all her problems," he said conversationally with a smile to himself. 

"Like a rich boyfriend, or husband you mean?" Anya said bluntly. When he started laughing, and she looked at him perplexed, not understand how close to the mark she was. "What? What did I say?" and he just laughed harder as Willow came over to him after getting off the phone so he could get out of answering her since at the moment only Giles and Buffy, besides angel knew his secret. 

"Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I just got through talking with Giles. She´s still sleeping, like real deep dreaming. No one can wake her up. She doesn´t seem to respond to anything. Though she did jerk when Angel tried touching her to see if he could wake her up. Then she mumbled your name, Spike, and said 'bad vampire´, and a bunch of other stuff that weirded out everyone of the naughty, sexy kind. I´m beginning to think that maybe I´m not the one to go in, and try to get her to come out of this—maybe it´s you she needs," she said looking pointedly at Spike, her face a bit flushed from what Tara had told her Buffy had said. 

Spike just looked at her shocked. "Me? I don´t know how do bloody trips through people´s minds. Why me?" he asked scared. 

"Well, it seems like you are on her mind. And every once in a while she does call out for you, not anyone else. And if she is having erotic type dreams about you, I´m not sure whether I want to deal with them, capish?" she told him, regarding him steadily. 

"Yeah, I gotcha, Red. But how in hell am I supposed to pull this off? I´m not a bloody witch," he asked her. 

"Tara and I will guide you, at least get you into her head, and from there you should be able to handle it. In theory," she added. 

His eyes narrowed, studying her from behind his glasses. "You´ve never done this before, have you?" he asked her point blank. 

"Sort of, last year when we fought Adam, we joined with Buffy to create a super Buffy, though afterwards we had to deal with the first Slayer who was all pissed because we had woke her up, or something," Willow told him. "So will you do it?" she asked him. 

He nodded, "yeah, I´ll do it because I want her back to herself. I´m just hoping this bloody well works, pet, otherwise you might lose both of us. So what all do we nee for this whatever?´ he asked with a sigh. 

"Let me go get the books, and we´ll go from there," she told him heading over to the study table to find the books she remembered seeing the spells that she was going to combine into one to make it work the way she wanted. 

He followed her over, and sat down. Then noticed the coffee pot over in the corner and got back up to make himself a cup. "Want one, Red?" he asked as he was fixing his. 

"Yeah, I could use one. Cream and two sugars, please," she told him as he poured her a cup and brought it over while she looked through the book piles from their recent Glory researches. "I found one of the books, and I´m still looking for the other two. I want to combine a couple of spells and saw something like a shaman´s trance spell for the base," she explained. 

"Why don´t you bloody just create one from scratch? You´ve been working these things long enough to be able to do that, haven´t you?" he asked, idly thumbing through one of the volumes in her keep pile. 

"Sort of, but Tara and Giles always insist I use an existing spell as a base." 

He rolled his eyes, "figures. Sometimes that´s good and sometimes that´s a bloody disaster because you get odd elements into the equation that shouldn´t be there. No wonder you´ve been have bloody problems. What is it you are wanting to do exactly?" he asked seriously, looking at her as she stopped and looked back at him in surprise. 

"You´re offering to help me? Do you know what you are doing?" she asked, lifting an eyebrow. 

"A bit, pet. Like I was telling you earlier in the car, I hung around Angelus and Dru and they were always messing about with magicks for the fun of it. I did learn somethings and then went and learned the right way on my own so I didn´t get done over by them or some other wanker trying to have fun with me," he told her. "Just don´t be telling Giles and your girlfriend I helped—they´ll have a bloody fit, especially after everyone figures out I could have been doing this all along—if you get my drift," he told her in a low voice so that Anya couldn´t over hear them. 

"Got it," she replied thoughtfully and a bit scared now realizing what he had just said, and what he could have been doing if had wanted to. "Okay, what we want to do is like an astral projection to get you into her head, and for her to accept you being there with safeguards, so you can get out if you need to, and for you to help her find her way back," she explained and saw him take in all her information and digest it with a thoughtful frown. Sitting down next to him, she handing him a legal pad to write on. 

Willow noticed he was a lefty when he grabbed a pen from the pile on the table, and started writing. She hadn´t noticed that before about him. His slender fingers flew as he bent over the pad in concentration, silently mouthing some phrases to himself. He wrote furiously for a couple of minutes, and then slid the pad over for her to read. Her eyebrows arched in total surprise. "Damn, this is good," she told him impressed, elevating him more than a couple of notches up in her estimation of his abilities. 

"That´s just off the top of my head because I´m out of practice for doing this. I added in all the goddess stuff because I know you´re heavy into it, and I do know which deities to call on for something like this. This is actually simple stuff, really. All we need is a focusing crystal, some herbs for atmosphere, some salt for the protection circle, and a bit of background music—preferably native American, or something with a steady rhythm to help the journey. None of that monks chanting stuff because it throw my concentration off," he told her sitting back and drinking his coffee and fighting an urge for a cigarette still. 

Willow hugged him, surprising him. "Thanks, Spike. This is perfect and it´ll work a whole lot better than what I was going to try to cobble together. Do you do do lessons?" she asked hopefully letting him go, blushing at her impulsiveness. 

He looked thoughtful. "I might, once I get settled, but it´ll be just between us two. I´m not quite ready to let the others know I do know all this stuff. They´ve had enough bloody shocks recently as it is. And I like my hide fine as it is as the Watcher will really have it when he finds out. Well, let´s get this on. The list of herbs you´ll need for the incense is at the bottom, and then I´ll need a tea to drink to help me focus, and that´s in there too. While you´re getting all that I´m going to go back and work out a little," he told her getting up. 

"Sure no problem," Willow told him, not sure about his shift of mood. She watched as he took off his trench and then headed back to the training room. 

After he had left Anya came over. "I couldn´t help but overhear. He knows magick?" she asked, glancing over Willow´s shoulder at the spell he had written out. 

"Yeah," she answered cautiously, "but you can´t tell—promise. He´ll tell Giles when he´s ready to. He doesn´t want to freak him out or any of us. I have a feeling we have been way underestimating him all these years. But at least he´s on our side—I hope," she added, wondering how much they really didn´t know about the former vampire. 

"So all of this is bring Buffy back to herself so it comes out the magick use fund?" Anya asked looking at the list of ingredients, so she could figure out how, and whom to charge it to. 

Willow just shook her head at Anya´s obsession with money. "Yeah, what do you think. Come on, you can help. I want to do this as soon as possible," she told her getting up and they went to go get the stuff on Spike´s list. 

In the back, Spike had taken off his shirt and was going through an entire series of martial arts warm up exercises so he could get a handle of what his new body could do. So far he wasn´t finding its reactions too different from his vampire ones except that he did have to breath and he couldn´t push himself quite as hard as he could before. Overall he was still able to move easily, jump, flip, and do most of the things he had been able to do before. By the time he was finished he was thoroughly tired, covered in sweat, and breathing heavily. He grabbed a towel and wiped the heavy sweat off, still amazed that he had do so now. He went off to the small sink in the corner ran some cool water, and rinsed off and then dried himself again before he sat down on the couch to think, and recoup from his exercises. 

He was still thinking over what Willow had asked him after she saw his spell writing ability. He hadn´t wanted to let anyone really know about his hidden talents, but if he was going to be a useful and effective member of the group which he wanted to be very badly, and had wanted since the chip, he was going to have to let them know what he could really do, and had knowledge of. A lot of times it amazed him that the group didn´t see the talents that they did have among them. Like Anya for instance. He shuttered to think how much knowledge the ex-demon did posses. She rarely volunteered because the others didn´t think she knew that much. He was not going to be dismissed like that. The problem was going to be getting them to listen to him. 

He was just going to have to have patience. This was a very tight group as he had discovered from his attempts to break them up off and on. They were not breakable. That was one of the thinks that he had admired about them because when the chips were down they would present a very formidable unbreakable front to any threat. The biggest factor in his acceptance as part of group was and would always be Buffy as it was her group and she had the say as to who was in or not. Though thinking about last night on the porch and how he had finally be able to kiss her and get some small admittance that she did like him out of her, he didn´t think it would be too much of a problem. As long as he could keep from pushing her in any way it ought to be cool. 

He was sure what he had written out would work because he had used a similar spell to help Dru when she had gotten really bad, and withdrawn into herself after Prague. He hadn´t been able to restore her mind completely because it had been already damaged before her turning by Angelus. He had a least gotten her to come back and be functional. That was the best that he could have hoped for. But wandering through the mazes which she had in her mind, it had scared him how very damaged, and sickly twisted she really was. Only his love for her had made him go forward to find her to bring her back to herself. It was then, too, that he realized that though she liked him, and loved him in a way, her heart would always be for her sire, not him. All their years together meant nothing to her because she wanted Angelus not him, and she was only biding her time until they found him again. He had seen clearly in her mind that she was going to leave him when they did find her daddy. And it had broke his heart and after that he had begun his own mental separation from her because he finally knew the truth. 

That he had fallen immediately in love with Buffy when he first saw her dancing at the Bronze did not surprise him now. He had been looking for love, but to find that what he wanted was his mortal enemy had really messed up his head, and had taken him a while to consciously accept. And he did want her, more now because he was mortal, and had actually gotten to experience her kisses, and feel her body next to his. There was no doubt in his mind now that at least on the physical level she wanted him, but he did not want a relationship just based on sex. Those always ended badly. He wanted her to want all of him, accept him fully as a man. He wanted her like he had always wanted her as an equal, and not an appendix to himself like Angel and Riley had treated her. 

Willow and Anya popped their heads in looking for him. "Spike, you still back here?" Willow called not being able to see him over in the corner on the couch. 

"Yeah, Red, over here. Just sitting and cooling down," he called back, standing up to go find his shirt and put it back on. 

Both girls looked in open admiration at his rippling muscles, and lean body. 'And Buffy has been rejecting him?´ they both thought, resisting the urge to whistle. He found his shirt, and grinned a little to himself as he knew they were staring, and why. The only one that had seen him without a shirt had been Buffy and that had been during the spell. He causally put it on, then cocked an eyebrow at both of them. "See anything you´d like?´ he asked them crossing his muscled arms then turned on the charm with an uplifted eyebrow. 

"Ahh,…ummm….we´ll wait in here," Willow stuttered, blushing redly, and grabbed Anya, pulling her with her. "I think I hear customers," she added as incentive. 

"Nice bod," Anya grinned very appreciatively as she was drug off, and let Willow make her leave. 

He followed slowly, still grinning, and shaking his head. Willow almost couldn´t look at him when he went back over to the table to collect his trench. 

"I got all the stuff we need, Spike," she managed to say. "I also called Giles to see how Buffy was doing, and to let him know we should be there shortly." 

"And how is she?" he asked getting serious again. 

Willow sighed. "The same. She´s still out of it, and no one can wake her. He´s sitting with her because she had to go to her classes. Angel is asleep in the basement, but said if we need him he´ll help," she told him and he nodded. 

"You got everything?" he asked, and she nodded, "okay, let´s go see if we can wake her up," he told her grabbing up the box of supplies she had packed on the table and heading out towards her car. 

"Good luck guys," Anya called after them as Willow followed Spike. 

She got ahead of him and went and opened the trunk because there wasn´t that much room left in the back with all of their bags. He set the box down carefully making sure it was level, and braced because there were a few glass containers and breakables in it. Willow set down another bag next to it then closed the trunk. Going around she unlocked his door then hers and they both got in and buckled up. Then she took off towards Buffy´s house. 

"So you found everything you needed?" he asked, trying to get his mind prepared for the trip he was going to taking shortly. 

"Yeah, no sweat. Luckily, Anya´s been right on top on ordering stuff, even the odd ball stuff since most of the time Giles is pretty clueless where, and who to get really good supplies from. I thought she was going to be a disaster working in the store, but since she´s been there, she´s made the shop really turn around, and make a profit. That with the shop on the Internet, the store has more business than it can handle sometimes," told him as she drove. 

"That´s good,. I had kind of wondered how that was going. Though Anya´s ex did do a real number on it I heard." 

"Yeah, Olaf," she said with a remembered grimace. "Luckily, Xander is good at rebuilding stuff so it wasn´t a complete disaster. He got it all fixed up and new in nothing flat, and cheap too which made Giles happy. Anya and I were banned from doing magick together in the store unless it´s an absolute emergency," she added and saw him grin. 

"So, you doing okay? The workout worked out?´ she asked, curious. 

"Yeah. If you´re asking whether the vampire/slayer whatever has worn off—no, doesn´t seem to have. I can still do pretty much everything I used to except I have to remember to breathe, and not be quite so rough on myself. And I bloody sweat too. That still takes getting used to," he told her. 

"You will, at least you´re taking this all good. Think you´re going to have problems from the vampires since you´ve changed?" 

"Some. Had a run in with a bunch of my old crew last night, so the word is going to out and I´m just going to have to keep on my guard some. That´s why I picked up some portable protections in case I did get jumped," he said holding out his wrist. 

"It´s nice," she said, "all kind of gothic, and all. If you want I can bless it," she offered. 

"Thanks, but I think I´ve got that covered already," he told her hoping he hadn´t disappointed her too much. She just nodded understanding now after he had already showed what he could do she wasn´t going to question him. As soon as he had left the store he had 'blessed´ all his new jewelry with a powerful, ancient incantation, that he knew none of the locals would be able to get past. Though the locals messed around with magick, luckily none of them were that good, and for the most part had no clue what they were doing. 

They pulled up in front of the house and parked. "They got the stuff out of the trunk first after Giles let them in. "We´ve got more," Willow explained as Spike turned around and went back to the car, and started bringing in his bags and hers. It took two trips to get it all brought in, and he just left his stuff in the living room until he could get a chance to put it in Giles car. 

He went into the kitchen and got himself a bottle of water out of the fridge, wanting something to drink but not any soda when he still had the ritual to do in a bit. He could hear bits and parts of Willow and Giles talking in Joyce´s office. He was trying to question Willow where she had found, or come up with the spell, and whose handwriting it was in. He could tell Willow was getting flustered and nervous. He sighed and got up and went to bail out the witch before Giles decided he didn´t want her to do it. 

"I came up with the soddin´ spell, so if you want to yell at anyone, yell at me, Watcher," Spike told him leaning against the door frame. 

It took Giles a moment to register that it was really Spike as he had only gotten a hurried glimpse of him when they had come in carrying stuff. "It´s your spell? You know how to do magicks?" he questioned, shocked. 

"Yeah," he admitted. "Think I didn´t? Call it years with Dru, and Angelus under the heading of self preservation, mate. I know all the stuff, but I don´t actively practice it like Red, here, or you. Only when I need to use it, I do. She was looking through a bunch of books, and was going to put something together, when I decided to volunteer, and just give her one that I know that bloody works as I had to do something similar with Dru when she went out of head on me after Prague," he explained. "The original was by an old gypsy seer that I knew, and she guaranteed it´d work, and it did," he added trying to reassure Giles it would work. 

"If you sure it´ll work? I just worry how Buffy is going to react to it, and your presence in her mind. But Willow says you would be better going in there than her. Though after listening to Buffy mumble in her sleep, I am more inclined to agree with her," the Watcher said flushing a little. "How soon do you two want to do this?" he asked. 

"As soon as we can. The longer she stays like this the harder it will be for her to come back from where she has retreated to," Spike told him seriously. "And I would rather do it before Dawn has to come home," he said looking at the clock behind Giles which was saying it was around one o´clock. He knew Dawn got out of school around three so they should be able to do this, and have her sister back by the time she did come home. 

"Okay, we can try this. I don´t think we have any other choices right now," Giles said standing up, and handing back the spell to Willow. 

"You guys start setting up, and I´ll go make the tea Spike needs to drink," Willow told them taking a large jar of herbs, and a couple of packets out of the box to go head for the kitchen to do what needed to be made. 

Both men went upstairs, and went into Buffy´s bedroom to set up. She was still out cold, but moaning a little as if she was fighting something, or someone in her deep sleep. Spike´s heart went out to her, and made him more determined to bring his love back to herself. He went over and gently wiped the sweat off of her fevered face. "How long has she been doing this?" he asked. 

"The sweating just started. Is that bad?´ Giles asked, as he started unpacking the box. 

"Hopefully not. Last time I was dealing with Dru, and she had been torn up pretty badly from the crowd. At least Buffy doesn´t have any physical injuries," he said, trying to catch what Buffy was saying, but it was only parts of words, and none of it was clear even with his enhanced hearing. 

"Since this is your show what do you need done?" Giles asked him pointedly. 

"Since we have to work around the limitation of the bed, and the limited space we have, we need the circle to enclose her bed, and space for me to sit on the floor next to her so I can use the candle, crystal, bowl, and the knife. Buffy does have a CD player, doesn´t she?" Spike asked, selecting one of the CD´s Willow had picked out. 

"Over there," Giles pointed to where it resided in the corner under a discarded shirt. Spike went over moving the shirt, and put the CD in, and set it to repeat, pleased at the ancient rhythms coming out of the machine. Giles quirked an eyebrow in question, but decided not to ask. Though he did note that Buffy was seeming to relax with the music. "The only thing I am not happy about is the part where you cut Buffy and put a drop of her blood in your tea. Sure you are still human?" Giles questioned. 

"Yes, I´m still human. I wouldn´t be able to wear all these damn crosses if I weren´t," Spike growled, showing him the wristband, and the necklace which Giles hadn´t seen. "The blood was part of the original spell, and the gypsy explained to me the blood is to give my soul a focus on her soul. In the one I did on Dru there was a lot more blood exchanged. Here, I´m only taking a couple of drops not bloody bleeding her. I´m fangless, and I plan on staying that way, satisfied?" Spike said shaking his head as he went about setting up a make shift altar on a red cloth on the floor by Buffy´s bed with the items he was going to need within the sacred circle. 

He was going to wait for Willow before he made the circle as it would take both of them chanting and spreading the salt to consecrate it properly. He would also need Giles burning the herbs. Spike was almost through when Willow arrived with the covered container of tea and handed it to him. 

"Thanks, luv," he told her setting it down by they other ritual items. Then he sat down on a chair and removed his boots and socks, then strip off his shirt. Giles raised an inquiring eyebrow, and was relieved when Spike went no further in removing his clothes. "Anytime you´re ready," he told the red haired witch who nodded she was ready. They both picked up small earthenware containers of prepared and blessed salt. 

"Hear me old Ancient Mother, she who always has been, and always will be, look kindly upon us your servants as we prepare to bring our friend back from where ever she has gone, lost in the mazes of her mind, and other realms. We consecrate this sacred circle to keep out those forces of evil that may seek do us harm as we perform this great work. We consecrate the North, where wisdom and air dwells. We consecrate the East, from whence life and water springs. We consecrate the South, where truth and fire issue forth. Lastly, we consecrate the West from whence comes death, and all things of the earth must once again go to. So sayeth the goddess who wears many names, many faces, from the time of the beginning to the time that will end, a perfect circle, round, and round, always changing, never still, so shall it be, thy will be done, blessed be," Willow chanted as did Spike who matched her word by word as they walked counter to each other spreading the salt as they walked to meet together where they had started. 

Giles had lit the herbs to spread their fragrances. He too was circling the room as best he could since their was very little room to maneuver. Already he could feel the energies shift and that the sacred circle was complete almost like a solid barrier between Spike and Buffy and the rest of the room. 

"William, you are the Seeker. Do you accept this responsibility knowing fully the risks that you shall undertake?" Willow asked Spike. 

"Aye, bright lady, I do. I do this with open heart, with no fear, to bring back she who is most precious to me, and to restore her back to herself and to her loved ones," he replied solemnly. 

"Then, by the power of the Goddess, do that which must be done to enter into her mind," Willow charged him. 

He turned away from her to bend down, and pick up the knife, and the tea before he turned to Buffy. "Only through pain can the way be made clear. Only by the blood shall you be known," he said, then picked up her limp hand and sliced across the tip of a finger which began bleeding and he allowed two huge drops to fall into the herbal tea. When he was done he wiped the blood off on a piece of gauze he had left there for this purpose. Taking the knife he dipped it in and swirled it around three times. "Three times three, your blood shall be mixed. Three times three, you shall come home to me. Three times three, Great Triple Goddess, thy will shall be done. Blessed be," he chanted, and then drank the mixture. He sank down to the ground facing Buffy´s bed, his right hand grasping hers. His left hand had grabbed the crystal and he held the large pure white crystal firmly in his hand pointing upward towards the sleeping young woman. "I am in you, you are in me, we are here together in this place. My mind to your mind, as one, as one, we are merged into one," he chanted over and over until his words got softer and softer and his eyes closed as he entered a trance state to be on the same wave length as Buffy was. 

Giles whispered in Willow´ ear to ask her, "now what?" 

She turned to him and motioned to the floor. "Now we sit and wait.´ 

And they did watching the ex-vampire, his head bowed, and holding Buffy´s hand as he tried to make contact with her in her mind. 

End part 11 

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	12. Part12

souled12

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 12 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

  
  
  


Part 12 

Spike awoke in a gray, dark corridor completely mystified as to where he was. It was long, completely featureless, seeming to recede into darkness on either end. This was not going to be easy, he could just tell. He picked a direction, and hoped it was the right one. He walked along not seeming to ever come to an end, or a turn off which he expected. This was getting very bloody boring, and he knew that Buffy´s mind was not that dim. "Okay, luv, I give. What´s the magick word? What makes this change? Where the bloody hell are you?" he asked out loud, and the walls began to shimmer, and become transparent like factual crystals each reflecting a different scene like movies all going through a set loop of images before starting all over again. 

Even though the effect was dizzying, it was an improvement over the stark bareness of the gray walls. It was apparent that each of these crystals held a different memory, or event from her life. Some were larger, some smaller he guessed according to how important they had been, or significant. There also seemed to be problems in them. All the early childhood memories seemed to be fine, and fairly straight forward, but beyond that point there seemed to a war going on. First he´d see one set of events take place, and there would be another shimmer, and suddenly there was an additional character in the scene when there hadn´t been before—Dawn. He was looking at Buffy´s original memories of events in her life being replaced by those that the monks had created. It was clear that there was a constant war going on about which set of events was true or not—the original memories, or the replacement ones. He could see this being a very definite problem for her since Dawn had been forcibly inserted into her life more than any of them. 

Of all the people that knew Dawn he had actually been the least effected by the forced change of memories because he had been around her for less time. There were times that even he had problems remembering which were real events, and which weren´t—like had Dawn really been there that night at the school, or at the house when he had first met Joyce? Part of him still said no, Dawn hadn´t been there, but now he wasn´t so sure. But once he knew Dawn had only existed since September he was having problems accepting the false memories too like the slayer was having. Eventually, they would get this memory problem sorted out, but first he had to find Buffy, and bring her back to herself no matter how much she was going to fight him. 

He followed the line of memories until he found those which he could recognize as being within recent years. He saw her being told she was the Chosen One, her first watcher, slaying her first vampires, burning down the gym at her old school, her having to move to Sunnydale, meeting Giles, Willow, and Xander, and if he remembered rightly Cordelia that was now with Angel in LA. He also saw her first meeting with Angel complete with sounds, and feelings finding it interesting she was distrustful of him, frightened even, and not happy at all for his offer to help her. 

It took awhile but he finally located their first meeting in the alley behind the Bronze, but slightly before that he was amused to note that she had noticed him before that, and put him under the category of "god he´s a hotie, gorgeous, very interesting, and very definitely she wanted to meet, and get to know him." Their meeting didn´t change too much of her initial impressions except with the added 'why do all the interesting guys have to be damn vampires?" 

Spike sighed, looking at, and enjoying her memories was not finding her, his Buffy. She was still in here somewhere. He picked up the pace, and did note that as he did the more depressed she seemed to be with her life-- both the everyday normal things she was trying to balance with the supernatural worlds she had to also deal with. Before her he hadn´t heard of any other slayer ever attempting, much less being allowed to have a social life, friends, and family along with her duties which was why she was unique, and alone, yet hurting inside so bad. There was so much pain inside of her, more than even he had suspected might be there. All of this was what she kept hidden away from those she cared about. He had known for a long time she was putting a brave front to the world, and masking all of her true feelings both the good, and the bad, especially the bad so she could function and be accepted , even loved by her family and friends. Being accepted, and loved was one of her top motivations, along with defending, and protecting those she cared about personally along with the world in general. Then there was her overwriting sense of responsibility, duty, and self sacrifice no matter what the cost to herself personally, or emotionally. 

That was made clear by what she had had to do repeatedly to save the world, and her friends. He realized he really hadn´t made it easier for her with his attitudes, and games. This was a real wake up call for him as well as he looked at how much he had hurt her, and betrayed her trust when she had been willing to give it to him earlier. Despite her denials to her friends, and the world, deep down she had cared about him as a friend, fellow fighter, and had even allowed herself for a brief time to want them to go beyond that both before and after Willow´s spell. Even after Riley she had feelings for him, which would change to anger because he would make her mad, or insult her, and push her further away from wanting him. Finally the only way she could deal with the attraction she had for him was to be nasty first, and tell herself that he was evil, bad, and would hurt everyone if given any chance at all. Spike saw when he had fought back verbally how deeply his words had gone into her mind, and heart, and hurt her further, more so than anything anyone else had said to her. She took everything he said to her to heart, and wished that somehow it could be different because no matter how she tried to deny it she was in love with him, deeply and thoroughly in love which caused her more pain, and hurt because she was afraid of what everyone would think of her, and what kind of horrible person that made her that could only be happy with vampires and not normal, human guys. 

"God, luv, I am so sorry for you, and all you´ve been going through. No wonder you bloody freaked when I told you I loved you," he sighed, seeing how she had interpreted his confession of love that night in the warehouse. Though she had been suspecting something was up from his 'weird´ behavior before that—especially when he had tried to kiss her in the alley, and then later when he had tried to comfort her on the back porch. He was grimly amused at her denials of what she thought his new behaviors towards her meant. 

He looked long, and hard at her memories of the night he had showed her what Riley had been up to. She had both been frightened and turned on when he had appeared in her bedroom. And yes, she had been naked under those sheets after all as he watched her dress, cussing him out in her head for whatever he was up to, and was dragging her out in the middle of the night to see. This was alternating with worrying whether he was going to turn around, and watch her, and mad because he hadn´t. It had bothered her a lot to 'not´ find Riley asleep next to her. Immediately on discovering her was gone, she had started worrying about where he was, and why he had left. Anger and pain at Riley´s betrayal were the primary things in her mind, but it was tempered with being thoroughly pissed at him for showing her this to hurt her further because she couldn´t figure out whether he was doing this as a friend, or as some horrible mind game to destroy her since he couldn´t do it physically, and wanted his one good day one way, or the other. The hurt won out over the help aspects as she couldn´t believe he would do anything to help her in the long run. It had taken him a while to figure out her reactions, but now he did understand. 

It was painful to watch her confront Riley, and his demands to her. He really wished he had killed him after he watched what the boy did to her emotionally. Did the bleedin´ sod care at all about her, and what she was going through with her mom, and worrying about Glory, and her threat to Dawn? He looked on in disbelief as Riley gave Buffy his ultimatum. He was proud of her trying not to give in to the asshole, and thought she would be able to get over him. But Xander, who had been following her, had just had to pick that time to talk to her, and got Buffy´s head even more screwed up, so she thought that she was now in the wrong, and needed to apologize to the sod. He watched her run to the helicopter and try to stop Riley but luckily he never saw her and he left out of her life, except now she was totally blaming herself for breaking them up when it had been the soldier boy´s fault all along. He finally understood why she had been so strange, and hateful since Riley had left. Why the sod´s leaving had hurt her so bad, and why she blamed him for being the cause of it. 

At least now he wasn´t having to deal with double images of scenes with, and without Dawn, they all had merged to ones with Dawn always in them by the late summer of this year, roughly around the time Dracula had showed up. He was going to have a talk with her over letting the pouncy bugger bite her, along with her tasting his blood. If she was that curious, he would have been more than willing to do it, and at least explain to Buffy about her darkside like he had about killing the two slayers. He noted Drac never really did tell her anything, and had only gotten the girl more confused, and upset in the process. That was mixed up to with images, and impressions of the First Slayer, and trying to understand what a slayer really was which he finally realized she still didn´t fully know what, and who she was. 

After Riley had left all her energies were focused on her friends, her mom, and protecting Dawn from Glory. He saw Giles leave to go talk to the Watcher´s Council. That´s why the kids had been in charge of the shop he figured out now, and why Willow and demon-girl´s spell had resulted in the Troll. Another mystery cleared up. Then came the arrival of the Watchers, and her not being happy about telling them about him, and why the buggers had showed up at his crypt with the twenty questions. He found it interesting that she avoided questions about her mom, and Dawn. He saw in her mind that she gotten the impression they were still going on pre-Dawn history, and had no clue Dawn existed—so she was not going to enlighten them because she didn´t trust them at all—especially after all the bloody hoops they were forcing her to jump through. 

He saw why she had brought Joyce and Dawn to his crypt after Glory´s visit. The bint´s visit had shaken her to the core, and she was already shook because of the watchers. Then she got jumped by a group of knights on the way to the shop. She had almost killed one. Since the knight was human, and not a demon it had only served to further upset her, but in her upset had come a revelation on how to deal with the Council, and she did. He was proud of her as she stood up to the lot of them, and told them the way it was going to be from there on out. They were going to answer to her, and not vice versa, and they had to agree because she was the only active slayer since the other one, Faith, was still in jail, and none too stable from what he had seen so far. 

Next was telling her friends about Dawn, and what all they knew about the key, along with her attempts to keep Dawn from finding out what she was. No wonder the kid had been so angry whenever he had seen her. Buffy in her zest to protect had gone the wrong way. And Dawn had just freaked. He had known something was up when he had taken her home from the shop that night, and she wouldn´t say anything the entire way. 'God, the kid had tried to kill herself to see if she was alive?´ No wonder Buffy had been thoroughly pissed at him the next morning. But she still should have told the kid beforehand, and not let her have to find out the way she did, though if she hadn´t, then he wouldn´t have been told either. Their adventure had served to make them friends at least, because he could understand what it was to be an outsider, and different. 

He got to the disastrous Valentine´s massacre as he called that very wrong day when Dru had decided to show up, and he had been stupid enough to tell Buffy how he really did feel. On one hand it had been a relief to finally tell her how he did feel about her. He suspected that the Nibblet had let that slip to big sis, and he saw he was correct. Though Buffy had already been suspecting he had feelings of love for her long before that, but she was also in deep denial too, and hadn´t wanted to see, or acknowledge that he did care. If Dru and Harmony had just not come around to stick their two cents worth in, and really mucked things up, the evening wouldn´t have been so bad. Buffy had come to his crypt to talk and work out some sort of compromise, but that got blown all to hell because of Dru showing up, his feeding at the Bronze, her finding the lower levels of his crypt, and his shrine. If he just hadn´t of panicked, so that he ended up knocking her out then chaining her up to make her try to listen to him. He had thoroughly blown it all the way around that night. After he had thought about he really hadn´t blamed her for revoking his invite. He saw now that in her mind, his being in love with her was more dangerous her than his hating her. Hate she could deal with. Love was something she couldn´t—especially not from him. Though when she had had to deal with the robot, April, some of her feelings towards him had begun to be reevaluated. 

With her mom´s death everything other than grief, and surviving day by day was put on hold. He did see that Willow had told her about the flowers, and his condolences. She had been surprised, suspicious, but then when she thought about how he, and her mom had been friends, and talked she had finally accepted his visit as being sincere, and real. He also saw that Angel had showed up, and that they had spent the night in the cemetery talking. Though she had not mentioned him at all to his sire, nor had he asked, so that´s why he hadn´t had a visitor. He had wondered. He also saw that finally she had realized it was over between her, and Angel—that they could never be together, but they could be friends finally. He felt her relief like a burden had been lifted, and she was free to go on with her life without Angel included in it. They would always love each other, and be friends, but the pain of their not being together ever was gone. They had both accepted that was they way it was, and it just didn´t hurt so much now. 

After that was her trying to deal with life without her mom, and trying to be a grownup suddenly responsible fully for Dawn, and their household. He saw the brave face she put on for the world, but how very scared she was when she was alone. How much she had been in pain, and crying, but keeping it all bottled up inside so no one would know. How late at night she went hunting to take out her frustrations, and pain on the demons, and vampires wishing that her real life problems were as easy to deal with. He also saw how she had went out of her way to avoid him on this trips because she didn´t want him to see how bad off she really was because he would have known how bad it was, and told the group, or tried to talk to her. Some of her kills even made him cringe with how vicious she was. The only thing that had been keeping her alive during those trips was the desire to return home for Dawn, and not leave her alone, or the gang unprotected because of Glory. 

Finally, he arrived at her last memories of yesterday, last night, and this morning. He saw clearly her fears, and her hopes for his new status. How happy she really was that he was now human, and that there weren´t any real barriers between them now, but that also scared her too. She was so afraid that he would be like every other man in life, and leave her because somehow she messed up by not giving enough of herself 'if´ they got into any kind of relationship. Somehow he would have to get her over this fear. Somehow he would prove to her he was serious, and wasn´t going to walk out on her no matter what. He also saw her guilt at being so nasty to him, and when she had decided to try, and change her attitudes last night while he was packing in his crypt. He knew now that most of the anger, and nastiness she threw at him wasn´t him, but was her way of coping with her attraction to him, and wanting him. Buffy very definitely wanted him, and did care about him, but was afraid to admit to having feelings of love for him because of what Riley, and Angel had done to her. 

When they had kissed on the back porch he could see clearly that her desire for him was the same as he was feeling for her. She had wanted to give in completely, and let him make love to her last night very badly. She had been slightly disappointed he had been such a gentleman, but relieved too that she hadn´t had to say no because of Giles, and Dawn in the house, and Angel on his way. 

He also saw how much her father´s coming to town soon was freaking her out, and her fears of his taking both her, and Dawn from here, her home where memories of her Mom, her friends, and all she cared about, including him, were as well as her responsibility as a slayer. 

Her last memories were all jumbled up, and confused as she woke from her dreams of him, and the future to run downstairs as she heard noises. He saw himself open to door to see Glory standing behind Angel. Her complete panic, and fears for all of them as she grabbed up weapons to battle the goddess. It was when Glory taunted her with how she had killed her mother that Buffy had gone into kill mode, attacking with all her being. When the goddess had been weakened enough to morph into Ben, and she saw in his eyes that he wanted it ended, and she realized he had been lying all this time as to who he was, and how close a call it could have been if they had gone out, she had finally lost it. It was the fact that he was human, and she had never killed a human before, but to kill the goddess she had to kill him. When she had beheaded him she had felt good about killing, and killing him, and that had pushed her over the edge. In sheer horror for her feelings she was having, she had retreated into her mind where he was now. 

Spike felt her before he saw her, and heard her sobbing. Following his feelings then the sounds of her crying Spike found her laying down on the gray colored floor, curled into a tight ball. He sank down next to her squatting on the balls of his feet as he looked her over, unsure what do to reach her. Tentatively he reached out a hand, and touched her shoulder, his hand meeting solid flesh as if this was the real world. She jerked back as if burned. 

"Go away!" she growled at him, closing her eyes tighter, and edging away from him. "Go back. Leave me alone. Why are you here? Why can´t you leave me alone? I don´t want to go back," Buffy sobbed. 

Spike shook his head, 'stubborn as usual´, he thought to himself, but he had known going into to this that getting her to come back wouldn´t be easy. Now he at least understood her pain, her fears, and what had been going through her head. "No, Buffy, I am not going to leave you alone, and I´m here because I bloody well care about you. You do gotta go back, luv. You can´t do this. I know you want to hide, forget everything, not deal with anything ever again, but you can´t hide. Not this bloody way. You´ve got everyone freaked out over you becoming a bloody vegetable. We´re all worried sick about you. We all need you. Dawn needs you. I need you," he told her gently, placing his hand back on her shoulder again. 

She shook his hand off, but he put it back, and tried to get her to turn over and face him. She fought him, but finally she did turn a little towards him, but she wouldn´t open her eyes and look at him. "NOOO! I can´t. I don´t want to be needed by anyone. Haven´t I done enough? What more is it going to take until I´m free of all of this? I just want to be left alone. I can´t face anyone after what I have done," she cried. "I killed him. I killed Ben. I´m no better than Faith now." 

"Wrong! You´re wrong, luv. You killed a being that was going to destroy all of us, and this world if not more. Faith killed a man by accident. There's no comparison. You didn´t kill a man. You killed a false front, a disguise that Glory was wearing. You did what had to be done, and everyone is proud of you. Everyone is safe because of you," he told her truthfully, knowing it was going to take a lot to convince her that she 'had´ done the right thing and she hadn´t had a choice. 

"Yeah—right—safe. Safe for how long? For how long, Spike—for how long this time? How long until the next big bad rises, and wants to kill us? It never ends—ever! There´s always another, and another, and another. It never stops. The evil never stops. I am…just so tired. I never get to really rest. When do I get peace? When do I get to quit fighting the demons, and my life? Because it´s not just the demons—it´s everything, and everyone in it. I got Dawn, the gang, you, school, social workers breathing down my neck, this house, everything—it´s just too much. I just want to be left alone. I don´t want to do it any more. I can´t do it any more---," she sobbed, curling up tighter in a solid ball of misery. 

Her words were tearing him in two. He did understand what she was going through. He wished she could know peace, a measure of safety, be able to grieve, but she couldn´t be allowed to yet. "I know, luv…I know. But you can´t stay here, and hide. If you stay, and hide it´ll just be worse for you, and everyone. You won, Buffy. Glory is gone from your life. She can´t hurt you any more. But if you stay here like this then you´ll have no say on what happens next to you, and Dawn. Your Dad will win then. Is that what your Mom would have wanted? For him to win?" he asked her trying another track. 

"No…no, she worked too hard to give us this home and keep it because my Dad wouldn´t help her, or us," she answered with a tinge of anger, her crying easing up a little as she did try to focus on what he was saying. 

"I know it´s hard having to grow up sudden like this, to be the adult and take care of your sis…" 

"No, you don´t. How could you?" Buffy shot back angrily, her eyes opening to glare at him. 

At least he was getting her to think, respond, and fight him back. "Because I bloody well had to take care of my Mum, and sisters after my dad died, because my older brother was dead too. I was your age too when it happened so I 'do´ know how it is. I had to be there for them. I had to be the strong one, and know what I was doing because I couldn´t mess up for their sakes. And I was going to school at Eaton when it happened, and had to drop out too. Even after I was turned I made sure they were taken care of. So I know family responsibilities real well, slayer," he told her being truthful. 

"You had to take care of your family like me, and you still took care of them after you became a vampire?" she asked surprised, looking at him in both disbelief, and growing respect because here she knew he couldn´t lie to her within the confines of her mind, and the spell he had used to reach her where she had thought she was hidden from everyone. 

For once he didn´t flinch back from her penetrating stare. Had had to get this point across to her. He had to bare his soul, his life to her if she was ever to really understand he did know what she was going through. He found himself telling her what no one had ever known about his life before. "Yeah, I did. It wasn´t any easier back then as it is now for you, just suddenly having to be responsible of everyone, and everything when you never had to be before. Like I told you I didn´t let Angelus know my real family was still alive until many long years later. I loved my family, and they cared about me, unlike his, or Darla´s. Dru understood as she had loved hers too, but had to watch them get butchered by Angelus, and Darla. After I was turned I made sure that they all were still cared for, and made sure my sisters married well," he said with a touch of both sadness and pride. 

"How? How could you if you were a vampire?" she asked, still not understanding how it was, or had been possible for him to go against everything she knew about vampires. 

"I don´t bloody know how? I just did—all right! To me my family was what bloody counted. Yeah, I was shocked to find out what I had become. My first thoughts when I awoke once I figured out what had happened were about what was happening with my Mum, and sisters and, who was going to watch over them with me not able to. I couldn´t go back around them, not in my state of being undead. I sure didn´t want Angelus, or any of them getting near them either. Anyway, I got a hold of my cousin, and his wife on me Mum´s side, and had them come live with my Mum. I didn´t let anyone know I was dead. I made up this story that I had to go out of the country suddenly on business, getting hired to do research in Egypt. The family had no choice, but to accept the story. Every once in a while I´d send letters, money, and gifts, then I´d get letters from them that I had them send through my lawyer. This was how I managed to keep my title, and the illusion that I was still alive. I even managed to show up for each of my sister´s weddings, and was there for their funerals too. Took a bit of makeup to pull it off, and ditzing Angelus and Dru, but I did show up when it counted. So they never knew I had died, until it was safe for me do so. The only ones who knew the whole story was my cousin, and my lawyer," Spike explained to her. 

"Wow," was all Buffy could say in shock to his confession. "And Angel never caught on?" she asked finally. 

"Almost one time, but that was when we were in China, and he had his soul. He came across a letter from my lawyer telling me that my Mum had just died, and wanting to know what I wanted to do about the estate, and my nephew, James who was about to go to Eaton. He started to question me about it, but then Darla came in, and he shut up. We all went out hunting because he was trying to prove to Darla he was still a demon enough for her. While I was killing my first slayer, he was saving missionaries. Darla found out. They had a big fight over his not killing a baby, and he left—vanished completely from all of our lives until we saw him here in Sunnydale at the high school," he explained. 

"You´re still the weirdest vampire I´ve ever known. You take care of your real family, but then you kill everyone else´s. You care about others, you´re loyal, you stayed with Drusilla for years and took care of her and then helped me with and without the chip." 

"Ex-vampire now, luv, remember? No more sun allergy, or liquid diets?" he reminded her. 

"Yeah, that´s still hard to get used to—no more vampire," she told him wiping her tears with the back of her hand. 

"But that isn´t a bad thing now is it?" he asked, sitting down on the ground next to her. 

"It still too freaky for me to deal with yet," she said truthfully. "I remember now when Angel became human for a day, but then he had the Powers turn him back, so he could still be a warrior. He wouldn´t even try to have a life with me, and made them blank out my memories of that day. Maybe I´m afraid the same would happen with you if I let you get close to me. I´d care, and want a life but you would rather be all noble, and fight instead—can you understand that?´ she asked. 

"I am not Angel. I would always chose you over being a fighter. Haven´t you figured that out by now? You, Dawn, your life, your world are what counts for me—the hell with everything else unless it messes with you, or us personally. Maybe I´m being bloody selfish, but the soddin´ Powers don´t mean jack to me. I´m not their bloody instrument like Angel thinks he is. I´m not noble. I´m rude, crass—well, you bloody well know all my bad points—but point is I am here for you—not them. I asked Willow to give me back my bloody soul because I couldn´t stand how much you hated me because I didn´t have one, and couldn´t measure up to Angel in your eyes. That I became human on top of it was something I never dreamed of, or hoped for. It´s wonderful, and I like it, and accept it. But whether I'm or not nothing is going to make me leave you like he did, or Riley. They were stupid to. Even if you don´t love me, I will be here for you for everything good, and bad. Whatever you, and Dawn need," he told her, searching her face to try to see how his words were affecting her. 

"You really mean that?" Buffy asked. 

"Yes, with no pressure, or pain either. I know how much you are afraid of love, being loved, and giving it. You´re afraid you´ll let me down, and not be able to love me as much as I love you. Love isn´t a bloody contest. Love just is with each love being different from the next, and in different ways. No love for another is ever the same, nor should it be. You have lots of pain to work through, fears, grief, and too bloody much going on in you life. To expect you to ignore everything else going on would be wrong. I´m not Riley, and I don´t need assurances of whether you care for me as I have seen the truth here in your mind. I have loved you for years knowing you didn´t love me, and I kept on loving you despite your hating, and pushing me away—think I´m bloody well going to change now?" he asked gently, touching her face, and pleased to see that she was leaning into his touch and not jerking away from it. 

"No, I guess not," she answered seeing he was telling her truthfully that no matter what she did, or said, he would love her, and still be there no matter what. "I´m still afraid though," she admitted. 

"Yeah, I got that, luv. I am too in my own way. Loving you from a distance is one thing, but really loving you close up is hard because I know how I usually muck up things. And I want things to be so right between us. I don´t want to make mistakes, but I know I bloody well will," he confessed with a deep sigh. 

"I guess that is part of living, isn´t it? Whether you are a vampire, or a human," she realized finally that being human didn't make one perfect, nor did having a soul, or not really hadn't made that much difference when it came to him. His heart had stayed the same. He was still the same man inside...the man she was falling in love with. The only thing that had changed was the outer casing and even that didn't matter. She wanted him even if he suddenly turned back to being a vampire. That he was mortal was just a bonus. She smiled at him, her heart expanding with hew found realizations. 

"Yeah, but for you I don´t want to. I love you, Buffy, and I always will no matter what, or for how long we´re both around, since I have also acquired an expiration date," he smiled back. 

She leaned forward, and kissed him gently on the lips. He wanted to kiss her back, but he was unsure where this was going, and he want this, their kissing, to be happening in reality. He could feel the kiss, but he wanted to feel it more, and to feel her body as well. He kissed her back just as gently, his lips brushing across hers, then he sat back to see what was going to happened next. 

"Thanks," she told him, looking at him with new respect. 

"For what?" he asked, unsure what this thanks was about. With her he had learned never to assume anything. It was safer for his body parts that way. 

"For this, coming after me, talking with me, reassuring me…loving me, when I´m still not sure how I do feel about you—us—anything." Buffy said, and then ducked her head at his questioning look. "okay, I do love you, but it still scares the hell out me, and I´m so used to fighting fuzzy feeling where you are concerned it´s a habit—one I am going to try to break, but it´s not going to be easy," she admitted, blushing a little. 

He smiled at her for her once honest admission. He had been right all along. She did have feelings for him. There was something very real between them. Now that she had admitted it to him and to herself he was still going to go cautiously now that he did understand how fragile she really was when it came to love and her real feelings. "I know, luv. I do understand. It took me awhile too to admit it, accept it, and then figure out what to do with my feelings. You´ll get yours sorted out. I know you do love me, and it scares you. I accept that. I´ll wait, luv, however long it takes until you do feel safe, that you want to let yourself feel what you are feeling, but now you have to come back—snap out of this, and wake up," he told her. 

"It´s safe here," she said getting afraid again at the idea of facing her reality again. 

"Is it really? No matter what you can´t run away from yourself, and you´ve got everyone worried sick about you, otherwise I wouldn´t be here, so wake up, luv. You can deal with everything if you let everyone help too. You don´t have to do it all alone," he reassured her. "Wake up." 

Buffy looked at him sadly, and nodded. She still didn´t want to go back, but she knew she had to. Running away never really solved anything. It only made things worse as her experiences after she had sent Angel to hell had proved to her both in LA, and when she had returned. There was still fallout from that period in both her head, and her friend´s heads because of her abandoning them. If she didn´t come back to herself then she would be making a bigger mess for them all to deal with. She didn´t need more messes to deal with. 

"Okay, you win. I´m waking up now," she told him, closing her eyes and when she opened them she was back in her room, in her bed. 

End part 12 

[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][1]

  
  
  
  


   [1]: mailto:vbmacky1@yahoo.com



	13. Part12

souled12

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 12 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

  
  
  


Part 12 

Spike awoke in a gray, dark corridor completely mystified as to where he was. It was long, completely featureless, seeming to recede into darkness on either end. This was not going to be easy, he could just tell. He picked a direction, and hoped it was the right one. He walked along not seeming to ever come to an end, or a turn off which he expected. This was getting very bloody boring, and he knew that Buffy´s mind was not that dim. "Okay, luv, I give. What´s the magick word? What makes this change? Where the bloody hell are you?" he asked out loud, and the walls began to shimmer, and become transparent like factual crystals each reflecting a different scene like movies all going through a set loop of images before starting all over again. 

Even though the effect was dizzying, it was an improvement over the stark bareness of the gray walls. It was apparent that each of these crystals held a different memory, or event from her life. Some were larger, some smaller he guessed according to how important they had been, or significant. There also seemed to be problems in them. All the early childhood memories seemed to be fine, and fairly straight forward, but beyond that point there seemed to a war going on. First he´d see one set of events take place, and there would be another shimmer, and suddenly there was an additional character in the scene when there hadn´t been before—Dawn. He was looking at Buffy´s original memories of events in her life being replaced by those that the monks had created. It was clear that there was a constant war going on about which set of events was true or not—the original memories, or the replacement ones. He could see this being a very definite problem for her since Dawn had been forcibly inserted into her life more than any of them. 

Of all the people that knew Dawn he had actually been the least effected by the forced change of memories because he had been around her for less time. There were times that even he had problems remembering which were real events, and which weren´t—like had Dawn really been there that night at the school, or at the house when he had first met Joyce? Part of him still said no, Dawn hadn´t been there, but now he wasn´t so sure. But once he knew Dawn had only existed since September he was having problems accepting the false memories too like the slayer was having. Eventually, they would get this memory problem sorted out, but first he had to find Buffy, and bring her back to herself no matter how much she was going to fight him. 

He followed the line of memories until he found those which he could recognize as being within recent years. He saw her being told she was the Chosen One, her first watcher, slaying her first vampires, burning down the gym at her old school, her having to move to Sunnydale, meeting Giles, Willow, and Xander, and if he remembered rightly Cordelia that was now with Angel in LA. He also saw her first meeting with Angel complete with sounds, and feelings finding it interesting she was distrustful of him, frightened even, and not happy at all for his offer to help her. 

It took awhile but he finally located their first meeting in the alley behind the Bronze, but slightly before that he was amused to note that she had noticed him before that, and put him under the category of "god he´s a hotie, gorgeous, very interesting, and very definitely she wanted to meet, and get to know him." Their meeting didn´t change too much of her initial impressions except with the added 'why do all the interesting guys have to be damn vampires?" 

Spike sighed, looking at, and enjoying her memories was not finding her, his Buffy. She was still in here somewhere. He picked up the pace, and did note that as he did the more depressed she seemed to be with her life-- both the everyday normal things she was trying to balance with the supernatural worlds she had to also deal with. Before her he hadn´t heard of any other slayer ever attempting, much less being allowed to have a social life, friends, and family along with her duties which was why she was unique, and alone, yet hurting inside so bad. There was so much pain inside of her, more than even he had suspected might be there. All of this was what she kept hidden away from those she cared about. He had known for a long time she was putting a brave front to the world, and masking all of her true feelings both the good, and the bad, especially the bad so she could function and be accepted , even loved by her family and friends. Being accepted, and loved was one of her top motivations, along with defending, and protecting those she cared about personally along with the world in general. Then there was her overwriting sense of responsibility, duty, and self sacrifice no matter what the cost to herself personally, or emotionally. 

That was made clear by what she had had to do repeatedly to save the world, and her friends. He realized he really hadn´t made it easier for her with his attitudes, and games. This was a real wake up call for him as well as he looked at how much he had hurt her, and betrayed her trust when she had been willing to give it to him earlier. Despite her denials to her friends, and the world, deep down she had cared about him as a friend, fellow fighter, and had even allowed herself for a brief time to want them to go beyond that both before and after Willow´s spell. Even after Riley she had feelings for him, which would change to anger because he would make her mad, or insult her, and push her further away from wanting him. Finally the only way she could deal with the attraction she had for him was to be nasty first, and tell herself that he was evil, bad, and would hurt everyone if given any chance at all. Spike saw when he had fought back verbally how deeply his words had gone into her mind, and heart, and hurt her further, more so than anything anyone else had said to her. She took everything he said to her to heart, and wished that somehow it could be different because no matter how she tried to deny it she was in love with him, deeply and thoroughly in love which caused her more pain, and hurt because she was afraid of what everyone would think of her, and what kind of horrible person that made her that could only be happy with vampires and not normal, human guys. 

"God, luv, I am so sorry for you, and all you´ve been going through. No wonder you bloody freaked when I told you I loved you," he sighed, seeing how she had interpreted his confession of love that night in the warehouse. Though she had been suspecting something was up from his 'weird´ behavior before that—especially when he had tried to kiss her in the alley, and then later when he had tried to comfort her on the back porch. He was grimly amused at her denials of what she thought his new behaviors towards her meant. 

He looked long, and hard at her memories of the night he had showed her what Riley had been up to. She had both been frightened and turned on when he had appeared in her bedroom. And yes, she had been naked under those sheets after all as he watched her dress, cussing him out in her head for whatever he was up to, and was dragging her out in the middle of the night to see. This was alternating with worrying whether he was going to turn around, and watch her, and mad because he hadn´t. It had bothered her a lot to 'not´ find Riley asleep next to her. Immediately on discovering her was gone, she had started worrying about where he was, and why he had left. Anger and pain at Riley´s betrayal were the primary things in her mind, but it was tempered with being thoroughly pissed at him for showing her this to hurt her further because she couldn´t figure out whether he was doing this as a friend, or as some horrible mind game to destroy her since he couldn´t do it physically, and wanted his one good day one way, or the other. The hurt won out over the help aspects as she couldn´t believe he would do anything to help her in the long run. It had taken him a while to figure out her reactions, but now he did understand. 

It was painful to watch her confront Riley, and his demands to her. He really wished he had killed him after he watched what the boy did to her emotionally. Did the bleedin´ sod care at all about her, and what she was going through with her mom, and worrying about Glory, and her threat to Dawn? He looked on in disbelief as Riley gave Buffy his ultimatum. He was proud of her trying not to give in to the asshole, and thought she would be able to get over him. But Xander, who had been following her, had just had to pick that time to talk to her, and got Buffy´s head even more screwed up, so she thought that she was now in the wrong, and needed to apologize to the sod. He watched her run to the helicopter and try to stop Riley but luckily he never saw her and he left out of her life, except now she was totally blaming herself for breaking them up when it had been the soldier boy´s fault all along. He finally understood why she had been so strange, and hateful since Riley had left. Why the sod´s leaving had hurt her so bad, and why she blamed him for being the cause of it. 

At least now he wasn´t having to deal with double images of scenes with, and without Dawn, they all had merged to ones with Dawn always in them by the late summer of this year, roughly around the time Dracula had showed up. He was going to have a talk with her over letting the pouncy bugger bite her, along with her tasting his blood. If she was that curious, he would have been more than willing to do it, and at least explain to Buffy about her darkside like he had about killing the two slayers. He noted Drac never really did tell her anything, and had only gotten the girl more confused, and upset in the process. That was mixed up to with images, and impressions of the First Slayer, and trying to understand what a slayer really was which he finally realized she still didn´t fully know what, and who she was. 

After Riley had left all her energies were focused on her friends, her mom, and protecting Dawn from Glory. He saw Giles leave to go talk to the Watcher´s Council. That´s why the kids had been in charge of the shop he figured out now, and why Willow and demon-girl´s spell had resulted in the Troll. Another mystery cleared up. Then came the arrival of the Watchers, and her not being happy about telling them about him, and why the buggers had showed up at his crypt with the twenty questions. He found it interesting that she avoided questions about her mom, and Dawn. He saw in her mind that she gotten the impression they were still going on pre-Dawn history, and had no clue Dawn existed—so she was not going to enlighten them because she didn´t trust them at all—especially after all the bloody hoops they were forcing her to jump through. 

He saw why she had brought Joyce and Dawn to his crypt after Glory´s visit. The bint´s visit had shaken her to the core, and she was already shook because of the watchers. Then she got jumped by a group of knights on the way to the shop. She had almost killed one. Since the knight was human, and not a demon it had only served to further upset her, but in her upset had come a revelation on how to deal with the Council, and she did. He was proud of her as she stood up to the lot of them, and told them the way it was going to be from there on out. They were going to answer to her, and not vice versa, and they had to agree because she was the only active slayer since the other one, Faith, was still in jail, and none too stable from what he had seen so far. 

Next was telling her friends about Dawn, and what all they knew about the key, along with her attempts to keep Dawn from finding out what she was. No wonder the kid had been so angry whenever he had seen her. Buffy in her zest to protect had gone the wrong way. And Dawn had just freaked. He had known something was up when he had taken her home from the shop that night, and she wouldn´t say anything the entire way. 'God, the kid had tried to kill herself to see if she was alive?´ No wonder Buffy had been thoroughly pissed at him the next morning. But she still should have told the kid beforehand, and not let her have to find out the way she did, though if she hadn´t, then he wouldn´t have been told either. Their adventure had served to make them friends at least, because he could understand what it was to be an outsider, and different. 

He got to the disastrous Valentine´s massacre as he called that very wrong day when Dru had decided to show up, and he had been stupid enough to tell Buffy how he really did feel. On one hand it had been a relief to finally tell her how he did feel about her. He suspected that the Nibblet had let that slip to big sis, and he saw he was correct. Though Buffy had already been suspecting he had feelings of love for her long before that, but she was also in deep denial too, and hadn´t wanted to see, or acknowledge that he did care. If Dru and Harmony had just not come around to stick their two cents worth in, and really mucked things up, the evening wouldn´t have been so bad. Buffy had come to his crypt to talk and work out some sort of compromise, but that got blown all to hell because of Dru showing up, his feeding at the Bronze, her finding the lower levels of his crypt, and his shrine. If he just hadn´t of panicked, so that he ended up knocking her out then chaining her up to make her try to listen to him. He had thoroughly blown it all the way around that night. After he had thought about he really hadn´t blamed her for revoking his invite. He saw now that in her mind, his being in love with her was more dangerous her than his hating her. Hate she could deal with. Love was something she couldn´t—especially not from him. Though when she had had to deal with the robot, April, some of her feelings towards him had begun to be reevaluated. 

With her mom´s death everything other than grief, and surviving day by day was put on hold. He did see that Willow had told her about the flowers, and his condolences. She had been surprised, suspicious, but then when she thought about how he, and her mom had been friends, and talked she had finally accepted his visit as being sincere, and real. He also saw that Angel had showed up, and that they had spent the night in the cemetery talking. Though she had not mentioned him at all to his sire, nor had he asked, so that´s why he hadn´t had a visitor. He had wondered. He also saw that finally she had realized it was over between her, and Angel—that they could never be together, but they could be friends finally. He felt her relief like a burden had been lifted, and she was free to go on with her life without Angel included in it. They would always love each other, and be friends, but the pain of their not being together ever was gone. They had both accepted that was they way it was, and it just didn´t hurt so much now. 

After that was her trying to deal with life without her mom, and trying to be a grownup suddenly responsible fully for Dawn, and their household. He saw the brave face she put on for the world, but how very scared she was when she was alone. How much she had been in pain, and crying, but keeping it all bottled up inside so no one would know. How late at night she went hunting to take out her frustrations, and pain on the demons, and vampires wishing that her real life problems were as easy to deal with. He also saw how she had went out of her way to avoid him on this trips because she didn´t want him to see how bad off she really was because he would have known how bad it was, and told the group, or tried to talk to her. Some of her kills even made him cringe with how vicious she was. The only thing that had been keeping her alive during those trips was the desire to return home for Dawn, and not leave her alone, or the gang unprotected because of Glory. 

Finally, he arrived at her last memories of yesterday, last night, and this morning. He saw clearly her fears, and her hopes for his new status. How happy she really was that he was now human, and that there weren´t any real barriers between them now, but that also scared her too. She was so afraid that he would be like every other man in life, and leave her because somehow she messed up by not giving enough of herself 'if´ they got into any kind of relationship. Somehow he would have to get her over this fear. Somehow he would prove to her he was serious, and wasn´t going to walk out on her no matter what. He also saw her guilt at being so nasty to him, and when she had decided to try, and change her attitudes last night while he was packing in his crypt. He knew now that most of the anger, and nastiness she threw at him wasn´t him, but was her way of coping with her attraction to him, and wanting him. Buffy very definitely wanted him, and did care about him, but was afraid to admit to having feelings of love for him because of what Riley, and Angel had done to her. 

When they had kissed on the back porch he could see clearly that her desire for him was the same as he was feeling for her. She had wanted to give in completely, and let him make love to her last night very badly. She had been slightly disappointed he had been such a gentleman, but relieved too that she hadn´t had to say no because of Giles, and Dawn in the house, and Angel on his way. 

He also saw how much her father´s coming to town soon was freaking her out, and her fears of his taking both her, and Dawn from here, her home where memories of her Mom, her friends, and all she cared about, including him, were as well as her responsibility as a slayer. 

Her last memories were all jumbled up, and confused as she woke from her dreams of him, and the future to run downstairs as she heard noises. He saw himself open to door to see Glory standing behind Angel. Her complete panic, and fears for all of them as she grabbed up weapons to battle the goddess. It was when Glory taunted her with how she had killed her mother that Buffy had gone into kill mode, attacking with all her being. When the goddess had been weakened enough to morph into Ben, and she saw in his eyes that he wanted it ended, and she realized he had been lying all this time as to who he was, and how close a call it could have been if they had gone out, she had finally lost it. It was the fact that he was human, and she had never killed a human before, but to kill the goddess she had to kill him. When she had beheaded him she had felt good about killing, and killing him, and that had pushed her over the edge. In sheer horror for her feelings she was having, she had retreated into her mind where he was now. 

Spike felt her before he saw her, and heard her sobbing. Following his feelings then the sounds of her crying Spike found her laying down on the gray colored floor, curled into a tight ball. He sank down next to her squatting on the balls of his feet as he looked her over, unsure what do to reach her. Tentatively he reached out a hand, and touched her shoulder, his hand meeting solid flesh as if this was the real world. She jerked back as if burned. 

"Go away!" she growled at him, closing her eyes tighter, and edging away from him. "Go back. Leave me alone. Why are you here? Why can´t you leave me alone? I don´t want to go back," Buffy sobbed. 

Spike shook his head, 'stubborn as usual´, he thought to himself, but he had known going into to this that getting her to come back wouldn´t be easy. Now he at least understood her pain, her fears, and what had been going through her head. "No, Buffy, I am not going to leave you alone, and I´m here because I bloody well care about you. You do gotta go back, luv. You can´t do this. I know you want to hide, forget everything, not deal with anything ever again, but you can´t hide. Not this bloody way. You´ve got everyone freaked out over you becoming a bloody vegetable. We´re all worried sick about you. We all need you. Dawn needs you. I need you," he told her gently, placing his hand back on her shoulder again. 

She shook his hand off, but he put it back, and tried to get her to turn over and face him. She fought him, but finally she did turn a little towards him, but she wouldn´t open her eyes and look at him. "NOOO! I can´t. I don´t want to be needed by anyone. Haven´t I done enough? What more is it going to take until I´m free of all of this? I just want to be left alone. I can´t face anyone after what I have done," she cried. "I killed him. I killed Ben. I´m no better than Faith now." 

"Wrong! You´re wrong, luv. You killed a being that was going to destroy all of us, and this world if not more. Faith killed a man by accident. There's no comparison. You didn´t kill a man. You killed a false front, a disguise that Glory was wearing. You did what had to be done, and everyone is proud of you. Everyone is safe because of you," he told her truthfully, knowing it was going to take a lot to convince her that she 'had´ done the right thing and she hadn´t had a choice. 

"Yeah—right—safe. Safe for how long? For how long, Spike—for how long this time? How long until the next big bad rises, and wants to kill us? It never ends—ever! There´s always another, and another, and another. It never stops. The evil never stops. I am…just so tired. I never get to really rest. When do I get peace? When do I get to quit fighting the demons, and my life? Because it´s not just the demons—it´s everything, and everyone in it. I got Dawn, the gang, you, school, social workers breathing down my neck, this house, everything—it´s just too much. I just want to be left alone. I don´t want to do it any more. I can´t do it any more---," she sobbed, curling up tighter in a solid ball of misery. 

Her words were tearing him in two. He did understand what she was going through. He wished she could know peace, a measure of safety, be able to grieve, but she couldn´t be allowed to yet. "I know, luv…I know. But you can´t stay here, and hide. If you stay, and hide it´ll just be worse for you, and everyone. You won, Buffy. Glory is gone from your life. She can´t hurt you any more. But if you stay here like this then you´ll have no say on what happens next to you, and Dawn. Your Dad will win then. Is that what your Mom would have wanted? For him to win?" he asked her trying another track. 

"No…no, she worked too hard to give us this home and keep it because my Dad wouldn´t help her, or us," she answered with a tinge of anger, her crying easing up a little as she did try to focus on what he was saying. 

"I know it´s hard having to grow up sudden like this, to be the adult and take care of your sis…" 

"No, you don´t. How could you?" Buffy shot back angrily, her eyes opening to glare at him. 

At least he was getting her to think, respond, and fight him back. "Because I bloody well had to take care of my Mum, and sisters after my dad died, because my older brother was dead too. I was your age too when it happened so I 'do´ know how it is. I had to be there for them. I had to be the strong one, and know what I was doing because I couldn´t mess up for their sakes. And I was going to school at Eaton when it happened, and had to drop out too. Even after I was turned I made sure they were taken care of. So I know family responsibilities real well, slayer," he told her being truthful. 

"You had to take care of your family like me, and you still took care of them after you became a vampire?" she asked surprised, looking at him in both disbelief, and growing respect because here she knew he couldn´t lie to her within the confines of her mind, and the spell he had used to reach her where she had thought she was hidden from everyone. 

For once he didn´t flinch back from her penetrating stare. Had had to get this point across to her. He had to bare his soul, his life to her if she was ever to really understand he did know what she was going through. He found himself telling her what no one had ever known about his life before. "Yeah, I did. It wasn´t any easier back then as it is now for you, just suddenly having to be responsible of everyone, and everything when you never had to be before. Like I told you I didn´t let Angelus know my real family was still alive until many long years later. I loved my family, and they cared about me, unlike his, or Darla´s. Dru understood as she had loved hers too, but had to watch them get butchered by Angelus, and Darla. After I was turned I made sure that they all were still cared for, and made sure my sisters married well," he said with a touch of both sadness and pride. 

"How? How could you if you were a vampire?" she asked, still not understanding how it was, or had been possible for him to go against everything she knew about vampires. 

"I don´t bloody know how? I just did—all right! To me my family was what bloody counted. Yeah, I was shocked to find out what I had become. My first thoughts when I awoke once I figured out what had happened were about what was happening with my Mum, and sisters and, who was going to watch over them with me not able to. I couldn´t go back around them, not in my state of being undead. I sure didn´t want Angelus, or any of them getting near them either. Anyway, I got a hold of my cousin, and his wife on me Mum´s side, and had them come live with my Mum. I didn´t let anyone know I was dead. I made up this story that I had to go out of the country suddenly on business, getting hired to do research in Egypt. The family had no choice, but to accept the story. Every once in a while I´d send letters, money, and gifts, then I´d get letters from them that I had them send through my lawyer. This was how I managed to keep my title, and the illusion that I was still alive. I even managed to show up for each of my sister´s weddings, and was there for their funerals too. Took a bit of makeup to pull it off, and ditzing Angelus and Dru, but I did show up when it counted. So they never knew I had died, until it was safe for me do so. The only ones who knew the whole story was my cousin, and my lawyer," Spike explained to her. 

"Wow," was all Buffy could say in shock to his confession. "And Angel never caught on?" she asked finally. 

"Almost one time, but that was when we were in China, and he had his soul. He came across a letter from my lawyer telling me that my Mum had just died, and wanting to know what I wanted to do about the estate, and my nephew, James who was about to go to Eaton. He started to question me about it, but then Darla came in, and he shut up. We all went out hunting because he was trying to prove to Darla he was still a demon enough for her. While I was killing my first slayer, he was saving missionaries. Darla found out. They had a big fight over his not killing a baby, and he left—vanished completely from all of our lives until we saw him here in Sunnydale at the high school," he explained. 

"You´re still the weirdest vampire I´ve ever known. You take care of your real family, but then you kill everyone else´s. You care about others, you´re loyal, you stayed with Drusilla for years and took care of her and then helped me with and without the chip." 

"Ex-vampire now, luv, remember? No more sun allergy, or liquid diets?" he reminded her. 

"Yeah, that´s still hard to get used to—no more vampire," she told him wiping her tears with the back of her hand. 

"But that isn´t a bad thing now is it?" he asked, sitting down on the ground next to her. 

"It still too freaky for me to deal with yet," she said truthfully. "I remember now when Angel became human for a day, but then he had the Powers turn him back, so he could still be a warrior. He wouldn´t even try to have a life with me, and made them blank out my memories of that day. Maybe I´m afraid the same would happen with you if I let you get close to me. I´d care, and want a life but you would rather be all noble, and fight instead—can you understand that?´ she asked. 

"I am not Angel. I would always chose you over being a fighter. Haven´t you figured that out by now? You, Dawn, your life, your world are what counts for me—the hell with everything else unless it messes with you, or us personally. Maybe I´m being bloody selfish, but the soddin´ Powers don´t mean jack to me. I´m not their bloody instrument like Angel thinks he is. I´m not noble. I´m rude, crass—well, you bloody well know all my bad points—but point is I am here for you—not them. I asked Willow to give me back my bloody soul because I couldn´t stand how much you hated me because I didn´t have one, and couldn´t measure up to Angel in your eyes. That I became human on top of it was something I never dreamed of, or hoped for. It´s wonderful, and I like it, and accept it. But whether I'm or not nothing is going to make me leave you like he did, or Riley. They were stupid to. Even if you don´t love me, I will be here for you for everything good, and bad. Whatever you, and Dawn need," he told her, searching her face to try to see how his words were affecting her. 

"You really mean that?" Buffy asked. 

"Yes, with no pressure, or pain either. I know how much you are afraid of love, being loved, and giving it. You´re afraid you´ll let me down, and not be able to love me as much as I love you. Love isn´t a bloody contest. Love just is with each love being different from the next, and in different ways. No love for another is ever the same, nor should it be. You have lots of pain to work through, fears, grief, and too bloody much going on in you life. To expect you to ignore everything else going on would be wrong. I´m not Riley, and I don´t need assurances of whether you care for me as I have seen the truth here in your mind. I have loved you for years knowing you didn´t love me, and I kept on loving you despite your hating, and pushing me away—think I´m bloody well going to change now?" he asked gently, touching her face, and pleased to see that she was leaning into his touch and not jerking away from it. 

"No, I guess not," she answered seeing he was telling her truthfully that no matter what she did, or said, he would love her, and still be there no matter what. "I´m still afraid though," she admitted. 

"Yeah, I got that, luv. I am too in my own way. Loving you from a distance is one thing, but really loving you close up is hard because I know how I usually muck up things. And I want things to be so right between us. I don´t want to make mistakes, but I know I bloody well will," he confessed with a deep sigh. 

"I guess that is part of living, isn´t it? Whether you are a vampire, or a human," she realized finally that being human didn't make one perfect, nor did having a soul, or not really hadn't made that much difference when it came to him. His heart had stayed the same. He was still the same man inside...the man she was falling in love with. The only thing that had changed was the outer casing and even that didn't matter. She wanted him even if he suddenly turned back to being a vampire. That he was mortal was just a bonus. She smiled at him, her heart expanding with hew found realizations. 

"Yeah, but for you I don´t want to. I love you, Buffy, and I always will no matter what, or for how long we´re both around, since I have also acquired an expiration date," he smiled back. 

She leaned forward, and kissed him gently on the lips. He wanted to kiss her back, but he was unsure where this was going, and he want this, their kissing, to be happening in reality. He could feel the kiss, but he wanted to feel it more, and to feel her body as well. He kissed her back just as gently, his lips brushing across hers, then he sat back to see what was going to happened next. 

"Thanks," she told him, looking at him with new respect. 

"For what?" he asked, unsure what this thanks was about. With her he had learned never to assume anything. It was safer for his body parts that way. 

"For this, coming after me, talking with me, reassuring me…loving me, when I´m still not sure how I do feel about you—us—anything." Buffy said, and then ducked her head at his questioning look. "okay, I do love you, but it still scares the hell out me, and I´m so used to fighting fuzzy feeling where you are concerned it´s a habit—one I am going to try to break, but it´s not going to be easy," she admitted, blushing a little. 

He smiled at her for her once honest admission. He had been right all along. She did have feelings for him. There was something very real between them. Now that she had admitted it to him and to herself he was still going to go cautiously now that he did understand how fragile she really was when it came to love and her real feelings. "I know, luv. I do understand. It took me awhile too to admit it, accept it, and then figure out what to do with my feelings. You´ll get yours sorted out. I know you do love me, and it scares you. I accept that. I´ll wait, luv, however long it takes until you do feel safe, that you want to let yourself feel what you are feeling, but now you have to come back—snap out of this, and wake up," he told her. 

"It´s safe here," she said getting afraid again at the idea of facing her reality again. 

"Is it really? No matter what you can´t run away from yourself, and you´ve got everyone worried sick about you, otherwise I wouldn´t be here, so wake up, luv. You can deal with everything if you let everyone help too. You don´t have to do it all alone," he reassured her. "Wake up." 

Buffy looked at him sadly, and nodded. She still didn´t want to go back, but she knew she had to. Running away never really solved anything. It only made things worse as her experiences after she had sent Angel to hell had proved to her both in LA, and when she had returned. There was still fallout from that period in both her head, and her friend´s heads because of her abandoning them. If she didn´t come back to herself then she would be making a bigger mess for them all to deal with. She didn´t need more messes to deal with. 

"Okay, you win. I´m waking up now," she told him, closing her eyes and when she opened them she was back in her room, in her bed. 

End part 12 

[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][1]

  
  
  
  


   [1]: mailto:vbmacky1@yahoo.com



	14. Part12

souled12

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

Part 12 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

  
  
  


Part 12 

Spike awoke in a gray, dark corridor completely mystified as to where he was. It was long, completely featureless, seeming to recede into darkness on either end. This was not going to be easy, he could just tell. He picked a direction, and hoped it was the right one. He walked along not seeming to ever come to an end, or a turn off which he expected. This was getting very bloody boring, and he knew that Buffy´s mind was not that dim. "Okay, luv, I give. What´s the magick word? What makes this change? Where the bloody hell are you?" he asked out loud, and the walls began to shimmer, and become transparent like factual crystals each reflecting a different scene like movies all going through a set loop of images before starting all over again. 

Even though the effect was dizzying, it was an improvement over the stark bareness of the gray walls. It was apparent that each of these crystals held a different memory, or event from her life. Some were larger, some smaller he guessed according to how important they had been, or significant. There also seemed to be problems in them. All the early childhood memories seemed to be fine, and fairly straight forward, but beyond that point there seemed to a war going on. First he´d see one set of events take place, and there would be another shimmer, and suddenly there was an additional character in the scene when there hadn´t been before—Dawn. He was looking at Buffy´s original memories of events in her life being replaced by those that the monks had created. It was clear that there was a constant war going on about which set of events was true or not—the original memories, or the replacement ones. He could see this being a very definite problem for her since Dawn had been forcibly inserted into her life more than any of them. 

Of all the people that knew Dawn he had actually been the least effected by the forced change of memories because he had been around her for less time. There were times that even he had problems remembering which were real events, and which weren´t—like had Dawn really been there that night at the school, or at the house when he had first met Joyce? Part of him still said no, Dawn hadn´t been there, but now he wasn´t so sure. But once he knew Dawn had only existed since September he was having problems accepting the false memories too like the slayer was having. Eventually, they would get this memory problem sorted out, but first he had to find Buffy, and bring her back to herself no matter how much she was going to fight him. 

He followed the line of memories until he found those which he could recognize as being within recent years. He saw her being told she was the Chosen One, her first watcher, slaying her first vampires, burning down the gym at her old school, her having to move to Sunnydale, meeting Giles, Willow, and Xander, and if he remembered rightly Cordelia that was now with Angel in LA. He also saw her first meeting with Angel complete with sounds, and feelings finding it interesting she was distrustful of him, frightened even, and not happy at all for his offer to help her. 

It took awhile but he finally located their first meeting in the alley behind the Bronze, but slightly before that he was amused to note that she had noticed him before that, and put him under the category of "god he´s a hotie, gorgeous, very interesting, and very definitely she wanted to meet, and get to know him." Their meeting didn´t change too much of her initial impressions except with the added 'why do all the interesting guys have to be damn vampires?" 

Spike sighed, looking at, and enjoying her memories was not finding her, his Buffy. She was still in here somewhere. He picked up the pace, and did note that as he did the more depressed she seemed to be with her life-- both the everyday normal things she was trying to balance with the supernatural worlds she had to also deal with. Before her he hadn´t heard of any other slayer ever attempting, much less being allowed to have a social life, friends, and family along with her duties which was why she was unique, and alone, yet hurting inside so bad. There was so much pain inside of her, more than even he had suspected might be there. All of this was what she kept hidden away from those she cared about. He had known for a long time she was putting a brave front to the world, and masking all of her true feelings both the good, and the bad, especially the bad so she could function and be accepted , even loved by her family and friends. Being accepted, and loved was one of her top motivations, along with defending, and protecting those she cared about personally along with the world in general. Then there was her overwriting sense of responsibility, duty, and self sacrifice no matter what the cost to herself personally, or emotionally. 

That was made clear by what she had had to do repeatedly to save the world, and her friends. He realized he really hadn´t made it easier for her with his attitudes, and games. This was a real wake up call for him as well as he looked at how much he had hurt her, and betrayed her trust when she had been willing to give it to him earlier. Despite her denials to her friends, and the world, deep down she had cared about him as a friend, fellow fighter, and had even allowed herself for a brief time to want them to go beyond that both before and after Willow´s spell. Even after Riley she had feelings for him, which would change to anger because he would make her mad, or insult her, and push her further away from wanting him. Finally the only way she could deal with the attraction she had for him was to be nasty first, and tell herself that he was evil, bad, and would hurt everyone if given any chance at all. Spike saw when he had fought back verbally how deeply his words had gone into her mind, and heart, and hurt her further, more so than anything anyone else had said to her. She took everything he said to her to heart, and wished that somehow it could be different because no matter how she tried to deny it she was in love with him, deeply and thoroughly in love which caused her more pain, and hurt because she was afraid of what everyone would think of her, and what kind of horrible person that made her that could only be happy with vampires and not normal, human guys. 

"God, luv, I am so sorry for you, and all you´ve been going through. No wonder you bloody freaked when I told you I loved you," he sighed, seeing how she had interpreted his confession of love that night in the warehouse. Though she had been suspecting something was up from his 'weird´ behavior before that—especially when he had tried to kiss her in the alley, and then later when he had tried to comfort her on the back porch. He was grimly amused at her denials of what she thought his new behaviors towards her meant. 

He looked long, and hard at her memories of the night he had showed her what Riley had been up to. She had both been frightened and turned on when he had appeared in her bedroom. And yes, she had been naked under those sheets after all as he watched her dress, cussing him out in her head for whatever he was up to, and was dragging her out in the middle of the night to see. This was alternating with worrying whether he was going to turn around, and watch her, and mad because he hadn´t. It had bothered her a lot to 'not´ find Riley asleep next to her. Immediately on discovering her was gone, she had started worrying about where he was, and why he had left. Anger and pain at Riley´s betrayal were the primary things in her mind, but it was tempered with being thoroughly pissed at him for showing her this to hurt her further because she couldn´t figure out whether he was doing this as a friend, or as some horrible mind game to destroy her since he couldn´t do it physically, and wanted his one good day one way, or the other. The hurt won out over the help aspects as she couldn´t believe he would do anything to help her in the long run. It had taken him a while to figure out her reactions, but now he did understand. 

It was painful to watch her confront Riley, and his demands to her. He really wished he had killed him after he watched what the boy did to her emotionally. Did the bleedin´ sod care at all about her, and what she was going through with her mom, and worrying about Glory, and her threat to Dawn? He looked on in disbelief as Riley gave Buffy his ultimatum. He was proud of her trying not to give in to the asshole, and thought she would be able to get over him. But Xander, who had been following her, had just had to pick that time to talk to her, and got Buffy´s head even more screwed up, so she thought that she was now in the wrong, and needed to apologize to the sod. He watched her run to the helicopter and try to stop Riley but luckily he never saw her and he left out of her life, except now she was totally blaming herself for breaking them up when it had been the soldier boy´s fault all along. He finally understood why she had been so strange, and hateful since Riley had left. Why the sod´s leaving had hurt her so bad, and why she blamed him for being the cause of it. 

At least now he wasn´t having to deal with double images of scenes with, and without Dawn, they all had merged to ones with Dawn always in them by the late summer of this year, roughly around the time Dracula had showed up. He was going to have a talk with her over letting the pouncy bugger bite her, along with her tasting his blood. If she was that curious, he would have been more than willing to do it, and at least explain to Buffy about her darkside like he had about killing the two slayers. He noted Drac never really did tell her anything, and had only gotten the girl more confused, and upset in the process. That was mixed up to with images, and impressions of the First Slayer, and trying to understand what a slayer really was which he finally realized she still didn´t fully know what, and who she was. 

After Riley had left all her energies were focused on her friends, her mom, and protecting Dawn from Glory. He saw Giles leave to go talk to the Watcher´s Council. That´s why the kids had been in charge of the shop he figured out now, and why Willow and demon-girl´s spell had resulted in the Troll. Another mystery cleared up. Then came the arrival of the Watchers, and her not being happy about telling them about him, and why the buggers had showed up at his crypt with the twenty questions. He found it interesting that she avoided questions about her mom, and Dawn. He saw in her mind that she gotten the impression they were still going on pre-Dawn history, and had no clue Dawn existed—so she was not going to enlighten them because she didn´t trust them at all—especially after all the bloody hoops they were forcing her to jump through. 

He saw why she had brought Joyce and Dawn to his crypt after Glory´s visit. The bint´s visit had shaken her to the core, and she was already shook because of the watchers. Then she got jumped by a group of knights on the way to the shop. She had almost killed one. Since the knight was human, and not a demon it had only served to further upset her, but in her upset had come a revelation on how to deal with the Council, and she did. He was proud of her as she stood up to the lot of them, and told them the way it was going to be from there on out. They were going to answer to her, and not vice versa, and they had to agree because she was the only active slayer since the other one, Faith, was still in jail, and none too stable from what he had seen so far. 

Next was telling her friends about Dawn, and what all they knew about the key, along with her attempts to keep Dawn from finding out what she was. No wonder the kid had been so angry whenever he had seen her. Buffy in her zest to protect had gone the wrong way. And Dawn had just freaked. He had known something was up when he had taken her home from the shop that night, and she wouldn´t say anything the entire way. 'God, the kid had tried to kill herself to see if she was alive?´ No wonder Buffy had been thoroughly pissed at him the next morning. But she still should have told the kid beforehand, and not let her have to find out the way she did, though if she hadn´t, then he wouldn´t have been told either. Their adventure had served to make them friends at least, because he could understand what it was to be an outsider, and different. 

He got to the disastrous Valentine´s massacre as he called that very wrong day when Dru had decided to show up, and he had been stupid enough to tell Buffy how he really did feel. On one hand it had been a relief to finally tell her how he did feel about her. He suspected that the Nibblet had let that slip to big sis, and he saw he was correct. Though Buffy had already been suspecting he had feelings of love for her long before that, but she was also in deep denial too, and hadn´t wanted to see, or acknowledge that he did care. If Dru and Harmony had just not come around to stick their two cents worth in, and really mucked things up, the evening wouldn´t have been so bad. Buffy had come to his crypt to talk and work out some sort of compromise, but that got blown all to hell because of Dru showing up, his feeding at the Bronze, her finding the lower levels of his crypt, and his shrine. If he just hadn´t of panicked, so that he ended up knocking her out then chaining her up to make her try to listen to him. He had thoroughly blown it all the way around that night. After he had thought about he really hadn´t blamed her for revoking his invite. He saw now that in her mind, his being in love with her was more dangerous her than his hating her. Hate she could deal with. Love was something she couldn´t—especially not from him. Though when she had had to deal with the robot, April, some of her feelings towards him had begun to be reevaluated. 

With her mom´s death everything other than grief, and surviving day by day was put on hold. He did see that Willow had told her about the flowers, and his condolences. She had been surprised, suspicious, but then when she thought about how he, and her mom had been friends, and talked she had finally accepted his visit as being sincere, and real. He also saw that Angel had showed up, and that they had spent the night in the cemetery talking. Though she had not mentioned him at all to his sire, nor had he asked, so that´s why he hadn´t had a visitor. He had wondered. He also saw that finally she had realized it was over between her, and Angel—that they could never be together, but they could be friends finally. He felt her relief like a burden had been lifted, and she was free to go on with her life without Angel included in it. They would always love each other, and be friends, but the pain of their not being together ever was gone. They had both accepted that was they way it was, and it just didn´t hurt so much now. 

After that was her trying to deal with life without her mom, and trying to be a grownup suddenly responsible fully for Dawn, and their household. He saw the brave face she put on for the world, but how very scared she was when she was alone. How much she had been in pain, and crying, but keeping it all bottled up inside so no one would know. How late at night she went hunting to take out her frustrations, and pain on the demons, and vampires wishing that her real life problems were as easy to deal with. He also saw how she had went out of her way to avoid him on this trips because she didn´t want him to see how bad off she really was because he would have known how bad it was, and told the group, or tried to talk to her. Some of her kills even made him cringe with how vicious she was. The only thing that had been keeping her alive during those trips was the desire to return home for Dawn, and not leave her alone, or the gang unprotected because of Glory. 

Finally, he arrived at her last memories of yesterday, last night, and this morning. He saw clearly her fears, and her hopes for his new status. How happy she really was that he was now human, and that there weren´t any real barriers between them now, but that also scared her too. She was so afraid that he would be like every other man in life, and leave her because somehow she messed up by not giving enough of herself 'if´ they got into any kind of relationship. Somehow he would have to get her over this fear. Somehow he would prove to her he was serious, and wasn´t going to walk out on her no matter what. He also saw her guilt at being so nasty to him, and when she had decided to try, and change her attitudes last night while he was packing in his crypt. He knew now that most of the anger, and nastiness she threw at him wasn´t him, but was her way of coping with her attraction to him, and wanting him. Buffy very definitely wanted him, and did care about him, but was afraid to admit to having feelings of love for him because of what Riley, and Angel had done to her. 

When they had kissed on the back porch he could see clearly that her desire for him was the same as he was feeling for her. She had wanted to give in completely, and let him make love to her last night very badly. She had been slightly disappointed he had been such a gentleman, but relieved too that she hadn´t had to say no because of Giles, and Dawn in the house, and Angel on his way. 

He also saw how much her father´s coming to town soon was freaking her out, and her fears of his taking both her, and Dawn from here, her home where memories of her Mom, her friends, and all she cared about, including him, were as well as her responsibility as a slayer. 

Her last memories were all jumbled up, and confused as she woke from her dreams of him, and the future to run downstairs as she heard noises. He saw himself open to door to see Glory standing behind Angel. Her complete panic, and fears for all of them as she grabbed up weapons to battle the goddess. It was when Glory taunted her with how she had killed her mother that Buffy had gone into kill mode, attacking with all her being. When the goddess had been weakened enough to morph into Ben, and she saw in his eyes that he wanted it ended, and she realized he had been lying all this time as to who he was, and how close a call it could have been if they had gone out, she had finally lost it. It was the fact that he was human, and she had never killed a human before, but to kill the goddess she had to kill him. When she had beheaded him she had felt good about killing, and killing him, and that had pushed her over the edge. In sheer horror for her feelings she was having, she had retreated into her mind where he was now. 

Spike felt her before he saw her, and heard her sobbing. Following his feelings then the sounds of her crying Spike found her laying down on the gray colored floor, curled into a tight ball. He sank down next to her squatting on the balls of his feet as he looked her over, unsure what do to reach her. Tentatively he reached out a hand, and touched her shoulder, his hand meeting solid flesh as if this was the real world. She jerked back as if burned. 

"Go away!" she growled at him, closing her eyes tighter, and edging away from him. "Go back. Leave me alone. Why are you here? Why can´t you leave me alone? I don´t want to go back," Buffy sobbed. 

Spike shook his head, 'stubborn as usual´, he thought to himself, but he had known going into to this that getting her to come back wouldn´t be easy. Now he at least understood her pain, her fears, and what had been going through her head. "No, Buffy, I am not going to leave you alone, and I´m here because I bloody well care about you. You do gotta go back, luv. You can´t do this. I know you want to hide, forget everything, not deal with anything ever again, but you can´t hide. Not this bloody way. You´ve got everyone freaked out over you becoming a bloody vegetable. We´re all worried sick about you. We all need you. Dawn needs you. I need you," he told her gently, placing his hand back on her shoulder again. 

She shook his hand off, but he put it back, and tried to get her to turn over and face him. She fought him, but finally she did turn a little towards him, but she wouldn´t open her eyes and look at him. "NOOO! I can´t. I don´t want to be needed by anyone. Haven´t I done enough? What more is it going to take until I´m free of all of this? I just want to be left alone. I can´t face anyone after what I have done," she cried. "I killed him. I killed Ben. I´m no better than Faith now." 

"Wrong! You´re wrong, luv. You killed a being that was going to destroy all of us, and this world if not more. Faith killed a man by accident. There's no comparison. You didn´t kill a man. You killed a false front, a disguise that Glory was wearing. You did what had to be done, and everyone is proud of you. Everyone is safe because of you," he told her truthfully, knowing it was going to take a lot to convince her that she 'had´ done the right thing and she hadn´t had a choice. 

"Yeah—right—safe. Safe for how long? For how long, Spike—for how long this time? How long until the next big bad rises, and wants to kill us? It never ends—ever! There´s always another, and another, and another. It never stops. The evil never stops. I am…just so tired. I never get to really rest. When do I get peace? When do I get to quit fighting the demons, and my life? Because it´s not just the demons—it´s everything, and everyone in it. I got Dawn, the gang, you, school, social workers breathing down my neck, this house, everything—it´s just too much. I just want to be left alone. I don´t want to do it any more. I can´t do it any more---," she sobbed, curling up tighter in a solid ball of misery. 

Her words were tearing him in two. He did understand what she was going through. He wished she could know peace, a measure of safety, be able to grieve, but she couldn´t be allowed to yet. "I know, luv…I know. But you can´t stay here, and hide. If you stay, and hide it´ll just be worse for you, and everyone. You won, Buffy. Glory is gone from your life. She can´t hurt you any more. But if you stay here like this then you´ll have no say on what happens next to you, and Dawn. Your Dad will win then. Is that what your Mom would have wanted? For him to win?" he asked her trying another track. 

"No…no, she worked too hard to give us this home and keep it because my Dad wouldn´t help her, or us," she answered with a tinge of anger, her crying easing up a little as she did try to focus on what he was saying. 

"I know it´s hard having to grow up sudden like this, to be the adult and take care of your sis…" 

"No, you don´t. How could you?" Buffy shot back angrily, her eyes opening to glare at him. 

At least he was getting her to think, respond, and fight him back. "Because I bloody well had to take care of my Mum, and sisters after my dad died, because my older brother was dead too. I was your age too when it happened so I 'do´ know how it is. I had to be there for them. I had to be the strong one, and know what I was doing because I couldn´t mess up for their sakes. And I was going to school at Eaton when it happened, and had to drop out too. Even after I was turned I made sure they were taken care of. So I know family responsibilities real well, slayer," he told her being truthful. 

"You had to take care of your family like me, and you still took care of them after you became a vampire?" she asked surprised, looking at him in both disbelief, and growing respect because here she knew he couldn´t lie to her within the confines of her mind, and the spell he had used to reach her where she had thought she was hidden from everyone. 

For once he didn´t flinch back from her penetrating stare. Had had to get this point across to her. He had to bare his soul, his life to her if she was ever to really understand he did know what she was going through. He found himself telling her what no one had ever known about his life before. "Yeah, I did. It wasn´t any easier back then as it is now for you, just suddenly having to be responsible of everyone, and everything when you never had to be before. Like I told you I didn´t let Angelus know my real family was still alive until many long years later. I loved my family, and they cared about me, unlike his, or Darla´s. Dru understood as she had loved hers too, but had to watch them get butchered by Angelus, and Darla. After I was turned I made sure that they all were still cared for, and made sure my sisters married well," he said with a touch of both sadness and pride. 

"How? How could you if you were a vampire?" she asked, still not understanding how it was, or had been possible for him to go against everything she knew about vampires. 

"I don´t bloody know how? I just did—all right! To me my family was what bloody counted. Yeah, I was shocked to find out what I had become. My first thoughts when I awoke once I figured out what had happened were about what was happening with my Mum, and sisters and, who was going to watch over them with me not able to. I couldn´t go back around them, not in my state of being undead. I sure didn´t want Angelus, or any of them getting near them either. Anyway, I got a hold of my cousin, and his wife on me Mum´s side, and had them come live with my Mum. I didn´t let anyone know I was dead. I made up this story that I had to go out of the country suddenly on business, getting hired to do research in Egypt. The family had no choice, but to accept the story. Every once in a while I´d send letters, money, and gifts, then I´d get letters from them that I had them send through my lawyer. This was how I managed to keep my title, and the illusion that I was still alive. I even managed to show up for each of my sister´s weddings, and was there for their funerals too. Took a bit of makeup to pull it off, and ditzing Angelus and Dru, but I did show up when it counted. So they never knew I had died, until it was safe for me do so. The only ones who knew the whole story was my cousin, and my lawyer," Spike explained to her. 

"Wow," was all Buffy could say in shock to his confession. "And Angel never caught on?" she asked finally. 

"Almost one time, but that was when we were in China, and he had his soul. He came across a letter from my lawyer telling me that my Mum had just died, and wanting to know what I wanted to do about the estate, and my nephew, James who was about to go to Eaton. He started to question me about it, but then Darla came in, and he shut up. We all went out hunting because he was trying to prove to Darla he was still a demon enough for her. While I was killing my first slayer, he was saving missionaries. Darla found out. They had a big fight over his not killing a baby, and he left—vanished completely from all of our lives until we saw him here in Sunnydale at the high school," he explained. 

"You´re still the weirdest vampire I´ve ever known. You take care of your real family, but then you kill everyone else´s. You care about others, you´re loyal, you stayed with Drusilla for years and took care of her and then helped me with and without the chip." 

"Ex-vampire now, luv, remember? No more sun allergy, or liquid diets?" he reminded her. 

"Yeah, that´s still hard to get used to—no more vampire," she told him wiping her tears with the back of her hand. 

"But that isn´t a bad thing now is it?" he asked, sitting down on the ground next to her. 

"It still too freaky for me to deal with yet," she said truthfully. "I remember now when Angel became human for a day, but then he had the Powers turn him back, so he could still be a warrior. He wouldn´t even try to have a life with me, and made them blank out my memories of that day. Maybe I´m afraid the same would happen with you if I let you get close to me. I´d care, and want a life but you would rather be all noble, and fight instead—can you understand that?´ she asked. 

"I am not Angel. I would always chose you over being a fighter. Haven´t you figured that out by now? You, Dawn, your life, your world are what counts for me—the hell with everything else unless it messes with you, or us personally. Maybe I´m being bloody selfish, but the soddin´ Powers don´t mean jack to me. I´m not their bloody instrument like Angel thinks he is. I´m not noble. I´m rude, crass—well, you bloody well know all my bad points—but point is I am here for you—not them. I asked Willow to give me back my bloody soul because I couldn´t stand how much you hated me because I didn´t have one, and couldn´t measure up to Angel in your eyes. That I became human on top of it was something I never dreamed of, or hoped for. It´s wonderful, and I like it, and accept it. But whether I'm or not nothing is going to make me leave you like he did, or Riley. They were stupid to. Even if you don´t love me, I will be here for you for everything good, and bad. Whatever you, and Dawn need," he told her, searching her face to try to see how his words were affecting her. 

"You really mean that?" Buffy asked. 

"Yes, with no pressure, or pain either. I know how much you are afraid of love, being loved, and giving it. You´re afraid you´ll let me down, and not be able to love me as much as I love you. Love isn´t a bloody contest. Love just is with each love being different from the next, and in different ways. No love for another is ever the same, nor should it be. You have lots of pain to work through, fears, grief, and too bloody much going on in you life. To expect you to ignore everything else going on would be wrong. I´m not Riley, and I don´t need assurances of whether you care for me as I have seen the truth here in your mind. I have loved you for years knowing you didn´t love me, and I kept on loving you despite your hating, and pushing me away—think I´m bloody well going to change now?" he asked gently, touching her face, and pleased to see that she was leaning into his touch and not jerking away from it. 

"No, I guess not," she answered seeing he was telling her truthfully that no matter what she did, or said, he would love her, and still be there no matter what. "I´m still afraid though," she admitted. 

"Yeah, I got that, luv. I am too in my own way. Loving you from a distance is one thing, but really loving you close up is hard because I know how I usually muck up things. And I want things to be so right between us. I don´t want to make mistakes, but I know I bloody well will," he confessed with a deep sigh. 

"I guess that is part of living, isn´t it? Whether you are a vampire, or a human," she realized finally that being human didn't make one perfect, nor did having a soul, or not really hadn't made that much difference when it came to him. His heart had stayed the same. He was still the same man inside...the man she was falling in love with. The only thing that had changed was the outer casing and even that didn't matter. She wanted him even if he suddenly turned back to being a vampire. That he was mortal was just a bonus. She smiled at him, her heart expanding with hew found realizations. 

"Yeah, but for you I don´t want to. I love you, Buffy, and I always will no matter what, or for how long we´re both around, since I have also acquired an expiration date," he smiled back. 

She leaned forward, and kissed him gently on the lips. He wanted to kiss her back, but he was unsure where this was going, and he want this, their kissing, to be happening in reality. He could feel the kiss, but he wanted to feel it more, and to feel her body as well. He kissed her back just as gently, his lips brushing across hers, then he sat back to see what was going to happened next. 

"Thanks," she told him, looking at him with new respect. 

"For what?" he asked, unsure what this thanks was about. With her he had learned never to assume anything. It was safer for his body parts that way. 

"For this, coming after me, talking with me, reassuring me…loving me, when I´m still not sure how I do feel about you—us—anything." Buffy said, and then ducked her head at his questioning look. "okay, I do love you, but it still scares the hell out me, and I´m so used to fighting fuzzy feeling where you are concerned it´s a habit—one I am going to try to break, but it´s not going to be easy," she admitted, blushing a little. 

He smiled at her for her once honest admission. He had been right all along. She did have feelings for him. There was something very real between them. Now that she had admitted it to him and to herself he was still going to go cautiously now that he did understand how fragile she really was when it came to love and her real feelings. "I know, luv. I do understand. It took me awhile too to admit it, accept it, and then figure out what to do with my feelings. You´ll get yours sorted out. I know you do love me, and it scares you. I accept that. I´ll wait, luv, however long it takes until you do feel safe, that you want to let yourself feel what you are feeling, but now you have to come back—snap out of this, and wake up," he told her. 

"It´s safe here," she said getting afraid again at the idea of facing her reality again. 

"Is it really? No matter what you can´t run away from yourself, and you´ve got everyone worried sick about you, otherwise I wouldn´t be here, so wake up, luv. You can deal with everything if you let everyone help too. You don´t have to do it all alone," he reassured her. "Wake up." 

Buffy looked at him sadly, and nodded. She still didn´t want to go back, but she knew she had to. Running away never really solved anything. It only made things worse as her experiences after she had sent Angel to hell had proved to her both in LA, and when she had returned. There was still fallout from that period in both her head, and her friend´s heads because of her abandoning them. If she didn´t come back to herself then she would be making a bigger mess for them all to deal with. She didn´t need more messes to deal with. 

"Okay, you win. I´m waking up now," she told him, closing her eyes and when she opened them she was back in her room, in her bed. 

End part 12 

[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][1]

  
  
  
  


   [1]: mailto:vbmacky1@yahoo.com



	15. Part13

souled13

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me

Part 13 

by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 

All disclaimers in Part 1. 

  
  


Part 13 

Turning her head and looking a little downward she could see Spike´s head resting next her leg, and felt the tight grip of his hand wrapped around hers. It felt good to feel him, because it made her aware that she could feel again. But looking at him, something was registering as wrong—off. Then it hit her. What the hell had he done to his hair? It occurred to her that his hair was no longer bleach blond, but now a light sandy golden brown, and loosely curled. 'What the hell?´ she thought, his hair waking her up more than anything else worrying whether she hadn´t woken up in some sort of alternative world. 

He raised his head up, and shook it groggily, then smiled as he saw her awake, and fully aware of her surroundings, and staring at him strangely. "we made it back, didn´t we, luv?" he told her. 

"Yeah, we did," she smiled back at him. "But what the hell did you do to your hair?" she asked, then freaked further as he put on his new wire rimmed glasses, and smiled shyly at her. Before he could answer, she was aware of Giles, and Willow talking excitedly, and feeling air pressure being removed as they opened the protective circle that she and Spike had been in. 

"Buffy! You´re awake!" came Willow´s excited shout. 

"Dear Lord. Thank God," Giles exclaimed in relief, sagging a little before catching himself as he saw she was bright eyed, and alert, with no seeming bad effects of her self induced trance, nor did Spike seem to suffering any aftereffects either. They both looked peaceful, and more comfortable with one another than they had ever been before was his first impression seeing how they were both looking at one another. There had been some sort of deep bonding formed between the two. He hoped that was a good thing. 

"I´m back, I´m okay," Buffy reassured them looking their way, and pushing herself up to sit back against her pillows. 

"You´re sure you´re both okay?" Giles asked coming over to them as Spike got up from the floor to make room for him by the bed. 

She nodded absently as she caught a flash of bare muscled chest before Spike moved away looking for his discarded t-shirt to put it back on. The view was more impressive than she had remembered seeing before. She was disappointed when he did put his shirt back on. Then he bent down to help Willow gather up the ritual items off the floor. 

Buffy turned her focus from Spike to Giles who was hovering anxiously next to the bed. "I feel fine, Giles, honest. Rested even, like I haven´t been for a long time. Sorry, I flipped out on everyone. I didn´t mean to. I just snapped after killing Ben, after he changed to Glory. I remember someone else there before the battle—was it you?´ she asked, trying to sort that part out. Her focus had been on Spike, and Glory once she had thought that Dawn and Giles had gone upstairs to safety, but there was an awareness of someone else—Angel? "Was it Angel?´ she asked puzzled, trying to sort out her memories. 

"Yeah, it was me, Buffy," Angel said from the doorway, hanging back into the shadows of the hallway because the room was bathed in sunlight, and he couldn´t enter. That fact was bothering him a lot now because it was more than unnerving to him see Spike wander around unharmed, and obvious to the bright sunlight now. 

At hearing Angel speak Spike looked over, and grinned. He couldn´t help, but rub it in just a little, especially since he knew Angel had been human, and had turned it down, and gave up his chance with Buffy and have a life with her. "He was there, luv. He just stayed out of the way while you, and I took care of things, but he did get clean up detail," he added, getting a glare from Angel. 

"I didn´t know what was happening, and it happened so fast," Angel explained why he hadn't taken a more active role in the battle. And feeling guility that he hadn't. 

"It´s okay. It´s over. She gone and everyone is safe," Buffy said, real relief in her voice as she did accept that Glory was gone, and no longer a threat to the world. She swung her legs over to the side of the bed, and stood up, just a bit shakily, then straightened shaking her head at everyone wanting to rush to her side, and help her. "I apologize to everyone for whatever I did—losing it, or whatever," she told them. "Things have been happening so fast, and furious, and Glory was the last straw I guess. I´ll be okay now. I just have to learn to take things slow, and easy, and ask for help, and not try doing it all myself," she told them all, looking to Spike especially, who nodded his reassurance she was doing fine. 

"I´m sorry, Buffy. I should have been handling more things for you since your mother died. I thought you were more capable than I thought you were, and hadn´t really realized you weren´t up on everything," Giles apologized feeling that part of her collapse had been his fault as he had been letting her handle her mom´s affairs, and the household since she appeared to be able to. 

"It okay, Giles, really. I let you think things were okay, and I could handle things because I didn´t want to look helpless, or stupid in your eyes. Everytime I did I call you I felt bad about calling on you because I felt like I should have been able to figure it out, or handle everything around here," she told him. "I also didn´t want to call on any of the guys either, and bug them because they have lives too," she added needing to explain to them why she had done what she had been doing and not calling or saying she needed help. 

"Buffy, you know we would have helped. We got learn this grown up stuff too. I saw what you´ve been going through, and it´s made me change, and think. So has Xander too. We may not know all of this grownup household stuff, but we can try, and help you however we can," Willow told her, glad her friend was back to herself. 

"And you could have called me," Angel said, dropping his two cents in. 

"I know, but you have your own life, your own problems, and a lot of this I didn´t think you could have helped with. This is all human family type stuff, and you´ve been a vampire for a very long time. You didn´t have to deal with all this when you were human," she told him honestly, knowing he had killed his family, and just walked away afterwards, then pretended he was alive long enough to sell off their properties, and belongings, and clear out the family accounts for him, and Darla to live on. He had been a real bastard. 

Angel looked down at the floor after that, not wanting to meet her eyes because there wasn´t much he could argue back against the truth. He had been a bastard both as a human, and as a newly turned vampire. He had taken his family killed them, and ran off with their assets. No, he hadn´t had to deal with death, human death, and the consequences, or had to pick up the pieces afterwards. That had never been his concern. He had always lived in the now, not thinking of what was going to happen for anyone. He was starting to see the long view of his actions, but it wasn´t easy, or automatic as it had always been for Spike who did think things out, and who could see hidden problems, and tried to solve them before they got really messy. "Yeah, you´re right," he admitted, and turned, and walked back downstairs without another word. 

Buffy stared after him dumbly. Part of her was sorry she had been so honest for once with her former love, but another part of her was glad she had had the courage to tell him why. Before she would have called him back. This time she didn't. 

"I think you hurt his feelings, Buffy," Willow said worriedly looking towards the door, and hearing the basement door slam. 

Buffy shook her head, and sighed. "Probably, but it was the truth. I´ve always gone easy on him on a lot of things. I asked him to help when he came for the funeral, he said he´d help, but then he still walked away. On dealing with all of what I´ve had to with Mom he really wouldn´t have been any help. I have been very grateful for Giles, and all of you, but I´m afraid I overlooked someone who could have been helping too, if I had ever given him a chance to explain, and I had actually listened as well," she said looking over at Spike who was looking out the window, trying to stay out of the conversation, lost in his own thoughts. But he had been listening and turned meeting Buffy's eyes with pride that she had been able to stand up to Angel, and did want to include him in her life now. 

Willow looked from her to the former vampire as did Giles. They both mouthed the words, not wanting to believe that Spike could have helped, or would have been of any use in Buffy dealing with her mother´s death. 

He spoke up then knowing what was going through their minds. "Unlike the rest of Angelus´ group, I didn´t kill my family. My father died when I was around Buffy´s age. My older brother, and his wife were already dead, so we had my nephew already living with us. I had to take care of my mother, two sisters, and James, so yeah, I do know what she´s been going through. I did it all for six years until I ran into Dru, and got turned. Afterwards I still made sure they were taken care, and got my cousin to take over for me. Made everyone think I was living, off working somewhere until I thought it was safe for me to die after my Mum died, and my sisters were all married, and taken care of proper. Then I still kept track of my nieces, and nephews," he explained. "That´s something that isn´t in your bloody Watcher´s diaries, as I made sure no one knew who I had been before I was turned. Didn´t want anyone hurting them. For me family comes first. My bloody demon didn´t like it, but I did what had to be done for them." 

Willow and Giles were both stunned by his confession since Willow didn´t know about the conversation last night, and that he was an Earl, with money once he got his paper work straightened out. 

"You managed to over ride your demon to do that?" Giles asked fascinated. 

"It´s not that bloody hard. Any vampire could if they wanted to. Mine was a real prick, and had no common sense. Everytime I did things his way I damned near got myself killed. I just had a stronger will than it did. No big deal. When it came to my family, and making sure things were right for them, there wasn´t any way it could fight me. I wouldn´t let the wanker. The difference between Angelus. and me is that I did love my family, and they loved me. He and Darla never had that kind of love of family to begin with. Dru did, but she had gotten so driven out of her mind, and confused, she was like a child when we met. She was capable of love, but it was always her sire she wanted, not me. I was made to be her plaything. She always wanted her Daddy-- not me. I was always the poor second, but I stayed, and tried to convince myself she did love me. But she was always cheating on me, and going off with other demons. I was always her toy. It took you lot to really wake me up to that," he said looking back at them. and then quickly away again, so they wouldn´t see his bitter expression or tears. 

"So you see I do know what, Buffy´s been going through, but I didn´t even want to try, and tell her that before this because I knew she wouldn´t want to hear it from a souless vampire." 

"I see your point, Spike," Giles said uncomfortably, understanding a little more the motivations of the former vampire. "There seems to be much I do need to apologize to you about as well as rethink what vampires are capable of. You have been quite enlightening over the years." 

"Thanks, Watcher. At least you are willing to listen and understand unlike some of your fellows. Shouldn´t the Nibblet be getting home from school soon?" Spike asked glancing down at his new watch and trying to change this painful subject. 

"Right, Giles answered seeing that Spike was growing uncomfortable with the conversation. Now that he was reminded of the time, he was glad he could give the teenager good news instead of bad. He had finished gathering all the ritual items, and had them ready to take back downstairs. 

"Dawn will be relieved I'm back," Buffy added, noticing that both Giles and Spike needed a save. "I appreciate that someone got me out of the clothes I was wearing, but I really need to take a shower, and change before Dawn gets home." Buffy told them looking down at her outfit as well as seeing herself in the mirror, and seeing how bad she looked. 

Spike saw his cue to leave. He wanted to talk more with Buffy, but not with everyone hovering around her. Their talking could wait though, and he did need to get his life back from Angel before he left that evening. "And I need to go talk to Peaches, and see if he got the bank straightened out yet. I´ll see you downstairs, luv," he said looking over to Buffy, who nodded. 

"Tell Angel I´ll talk to him after you two get through," she told him before he closed the door then disappeared. 

"Understood," he replied, giving her a look, before he left for downstairs to talk to vampire. 

Giles looked after him then back to Buffy. "I'll be going too. Are sure you're quite all right now, Buffy?" he asked concerned. 

"Yes, better, than I have been for a long time. Spike did help me a lot. Now he understands why I have been so hard to get along with. What has happened to me over the years. He always did seem to know me better than myself, now he really does. It doesn't scare him like it did Angel, or Riley. And he does love me, really loves me, and I think I love him too," she confessed, blushed a little. 

"I won't say yeah, or nay on this because this is your life, Buffy, but considering the newness of his 'life', and all that has happened, including this spell you just came out of all I can advise is caution," Giles told her tying to be sympatheic. 

"I know, Giles. We both do. We have agreed to take this slow, and easy all the way around. He knows how badly I have been hurt. Surprisingly, Spike can be a gentleman, and not a total ass when he wants to. Even as a vampire he was always surprising me that way," she said thinking about how he had been with her on the back porch after she had found out about her mom. That an other times he had been kind before she had blew the moment. 

"I see. Though I do wish you had let me know about these abnormalities in his behavior. Maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on him before," Giles told her. 

"It was kind of personal at the time, and I thought he was trying to do a number on my head when it happened. Now I see it really was for real for him, and I was the one messing things up--not him. I didn't want to believe he did have feelings because it did go against all that I thought I knew." 

"Well it seems I, and the Council have been very wrong in a lot of things about vampires. Angel taught me that, but Spike has been a very definite learning experience for us all. Well, I'd better get down there since Spike is dealing with Angel and I do need to check on how Anya is doing." 

"She's probably happy to have the store all to herself. I'll be down as soon as I get showered and changed," Buffy told him as he left for downstairs while Willow hung back wanting to talk to her. 

"So it went okay—the spell?" Willow asked, uncertain. 

Buffy smiled in reassurance to her friend. "Yeah, it did. It was jusy weird seeing Spike in my head. I thought it´d be you instead, or Giles. But actually Spike was the right one to talk me out of staying shut down. I just had to retreat from everything. Sorry to put you all through this. Hope I didn´t freak anyone out. Is Dawn okay?" she asked, figuring out from the conversations that Dawn had gotten off to school okay. 

"Fine, Spike made her go to school since there wasn´t anything she could do except sit around, and watch you. He was afraid her being out again would mess you up since somehow he knew social services has been watching you,´ Willow explained sitting down on the bed as did Buffy to talk. 

"He always knows what´s going on somehow. She didn´t argue?" 

"A little—not really. He wouldn´t take no for an answer. He went with me when I took her school. Then we went to the mall, and he got new clothes, glasses, and had his hair done. Even gave me money to buy stuff for you too," she said, getting up and handing her a shopping bag. 

"I had wondered about the new look. He did it all on his own? You didn't force him or something?" Buffy asked. 

"Nope--all his own ideas, though I did help a little on the clothes so it wouldn't be all black on black. You like the hair?" Willow asked with a grin wanting to know her reaction to the new looks. 

"Oh, yeah, once I got over the shock of no peroxide. He looks real good. I like the glasses too. Sort of young Giles, or Wesley. He doesn't look quite so intense now. More human, softer sort of. And the crosses he's wearing--that threw me too, but nice." 

"He said he wanted to stay human, and he knows the vamps around are all going to know he's changed, and coming gunning for him, so he got protections just in case," Willow explained. 

"Yeah, we had run ins with some of his ex buddies last night at Applebees, and then at the cemetery when we went to get his stuff from the crypt. We dusted some of them but a couple got away. The word is going to spread real quick. Luckily he has slayer strength and reflexes, still all it would take would be someone getting in a luckly hit and he's either revamped or toast," Buffy sighed. "And he does want to stay human." 

"That is for real. Though he is still trying to remember how to be again. Anyway, you got to see what I got at the mall for you," Willow told her bounding up and grabbing the bags of stuff she had bought for her and handing them to her surprised friend. 

"What´s this?" Buffy asked confused looking at the shopping bags. 

"New stuff. Fun stuff. Spike told me to have fun, so I did. Open it. If you don´t like we can always take it all back," she told her. 

"Okay, what´d you get me?" she asked her, turning her attention to the bag, and reaching in to pull out a short dress in shades of pinks, and purples swirled together, with long sleeves, and a low neck line. "Wow!" Buffy exclaimed liking it as she stood up at held it up against herself in front of her mirror. 

"I got Dawnie one just like it except it has blue and green swirls," Willow grinned enjoying seeing her friend's expression and delight in having something new to wear. 

"Fancy. I like lots. And there´s more?" Buffy said reaching into the bag. There were some shirts, a skirt, and a pair of jeans. "Practical stuff, I approve," she said giving her friend a hug picking out one of the new tops, a teal one to put on. 

"I know how slayage does damage to your clothes, so I thought new clothes would help you feel better. I got myself some stuff, and Tara too. They were having great sales so I could get lots of stuff. Also thought with Glory gone we all might go the Bronze, and have an after Glory celebration—that is if you feel up to it?" Willow asked hopefully. 

"Yeah, I do. Feeling lots, lots better now. Party at the Bronze sounds great. And you said Spike gave you the money. Where did he get money, and what was that talk about banks, and Angel?" she questioned. 

Willow wasn´t sure whether to tell her, or let Spike tell her himself. "Maybe you should ask him for the details, but I got the impression he´s loaded—like really loaded. Angel has been holding it in trust for him. Angel handed him an envelope before we left this morning, and it was all full of lots of cash. And he spent lots too, good stuff, stuff you´ll like. I helped a little. The all black look is gone," Willow told her. 

"I remember something about him saying he had a title last night, but it made me mad because he hadn´t said anything before about it, and he had been hitting us all up for money for years. So it was for real then. He has money?´ Buffy asked her. 

Willow shrugged, "I guess so. We didn't talk too much about it." 

"Did he tell you he offered to marry me too last night to get my Dad off my back?" Buffy asked her. 

"He proposed?´ Willow gasped shocked. He hadn´t said a word to her about this. 

"Sort of not really. He just asked Giles if he thought that if I married him, then I would have the money, and be protected legally to fight my dad. He never said—'Buffy, will you marry me.´ I didn´t let him get that far because I was too shocked over the money, and then him thinking that marrying him would solve my problems with my Dad. 

"So you turned him down?" 

"Yeah, I think so, and he apologized for asking. Telling me to forget it because I didn´t love him, and it was a bad idea." 

"I sense you are wishing you hadn´t gotten mad, and turned him down," Willow questioned, looking at her friend. 

"Sort of—I don´t know. With him my feelings get all confused. Now more than ever since he´s human, and has a soul. And then he´s been all nice, and perfect, and I´m not dealing with the new Spike yet. Okay, I do like him. I liked him when he was still a vampire, but because he was a vampire I had to hate him. And it was getting real hard to hate him until he pulled that stunt with Drusilla. He drives me mad, Will. He always has. First there was Angel, and Spike showed up. I kept wishing he wasn´t a vampire, and attached to Dru. Then he helped save the world. Every time he showed up I was happy to see him, then he´d say, or do something to get me mad. Then there was your spell. It did a number to both of us, but when it was over we had to pretend like nothing had happened. I found out it was just as hard for him as it was for me. Since there was a few things going on that day you all didn´t know about. You guys got the PG version, " Buffy admitted to her friend. 

"You and Spike got physical?" Willow asked, staring at her opened mouthed in shock. 

Buffy blushed as she nodded her head. "Yeah real physical—and don´t you tell anyone—ever—especially Xander. He´d freak big time. We did it in the bathroom, and when we were out on patrol." 

"Twice? You bonked him twice?" she asked her green eyes wide. 

"Yeah, we did, and it was great. Almost too great. Then the spell was over, and we had be enemies again. That was the hardest to do, and we both knew what we were feeling for one another was wrong, and everyone was watching us. Then when I started going out with Riley that was when we really started fighting bad because he was so jealous. I never told Riley about Spike, and he kept his mouth shut too. I always thought Riley suspected there was something between me, and Spike. And I guess there was. I just couldn´t let myself love him because then I´d be admitting I couldn't be normal, or have a normal relationship," Buffy sighed looking down at her clasped hands in her lap. 

"It all makes sense now—finally," Willow said having put a lot of the two's weird behavior into perspective now that she hasn't had before. "You, and him fighting all the time, the insults, the barbs, especially the sexual ones, all of it. I saw it, but I didn´t want to see it. Then there was your reaction when you found out Harmony was sleeping with Spike—you were jealous, and I couldn´t figure it out—even though you were trying to make out it wasn´t bothering you, when it really was." 

"You saw that too? Riley did as well. Even asked me about it but I denied it—like I denied everything to do with Spike for sanity purposes." 

"So—since Riley has he tried anything?" Willow asked. 

"No, perfect gentleman, even when he had me chained up. Though last night we kissed, and it got real heated real fast, but nothing happened because Dawn, and Giles were here. He may be human, but he´s still him. Maybe better," she blushed. 

"So now that he is human, is something going to happen?" 

"Maybe, I don´t know. I told him I want to take everything slow. His changing is a lot to deal with, everything is a lot to deal with. But we have been talking, really talking both last night, and when he was in my head. I don´t have any secrets now—that´s for sure. I can talk to him in ways I couldn't talk to Angel, or Riley. I guess I was could. He knows me better than I know myself. He´s always tried to tell me the truth whether I wanted to hear it or not. And he isn´t going leave me—I finally get that. Nothing is going to make him leave, or quit loving me," Buffy told her. 

"Even I kind of got that too. He loves you. More than maybe Angel, or Riley did, and that was without having a soul, now that he does….I think he´d be good for you. You have my approval," Willow said giving her a hug. 

"Thanks, Wills, that means a lot. Giles is softening too. It´s just Xander, and Angel. Hopefully, they´ll come around." 

"Maybe…" Willow said, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

"Buffy are you in there?" came Dawn´s voice. 

"Yeah, come in," Buffy yelled, and the door flew open. Dawn looked totally relieved to see her sister up and back to herself. 

"You´re you again. Giles told me when I came in. I had to come in, and see for myself. So the spell thingie worked?" she asked coming over to the bed, and giving Buffy a hug. 

"Yeph, Spike got me to come back. Wasn´t going to leave until I did. Have you seen him yet?" Buffy asked. 

"Nope. He, and Angel are still downstairs. Arguing it sounded like. Giles is staying out of it. Actually he told to me to tell you he was going to run home, and then go by the shop. He needed to take care of some things. He´ll call you in a bit," Dawn told her. 

"So you haven´t seen the new Spike?" Willow asked, with a smile. 

"New Spike? Besides being human, what has he done to himself now?" Dawn asked suspiciously, looking at the two giggling women. 

"No more bleach blonde hair for one, and he´s got glasses," Buffy told her sister who was shocked. 

"No way! He's changed his hair, and has glasses? I mean I knew he needed them. Caught him once with a pair on. He can´t read anything without holding it away from him, or he squints. Glasses for real? I saw all the shopping bags in the living room, and wondered what was up, but before I could look in them Giles told me you were up here, and okay." 

"He looks like Giles, except younger, and way better looking," Willow giggled, and Buffy looked at her shocked giving her a light punch in her arm. 

"Willow, he does not. You think he´s good looking?" 

"Yeah, wishing I was not gay here, but wouldn´t do me any good as you are all he can see. That´s real obvious. I saw it way before, but I didn´t want to see it, but now that I see it I can not just see it, you know?" 

"Told you," Dawn smirked at her sister who was looking back and forth between the two smug girls. "He loves you—accept, deal with it. Don´t ignore him any more," Dawn told Buffy. "Anyway, I´m going to my room. Need to do some homework just in case anything is going on tonight," she added looking back, and forth at them mysteriously, then picking up her book bag she left. 

"Think she knows about tonight?" Buffy asked puzzled. 

Willow shrugged. "Dunno, maybe. Except usually after some big victory we all want to go do something, so maybe she was thinking that was going to happen. I´m going to go, and check on Tara. I told her I´d call at the shop, and let Anya know what was happening. I´ll see if everyone does want to go Bronzing tonight, and what time. Then I´ll call you, and let you know," Willow told her getting up. "But I am so glad it´s all over, and you´re okay. You are okay aren´t you?" 

"Yeah, I think I am finally. Just let me know if, and when we´re meeting. I´ll see if Angel wants to come too, or if he´s going back or what." 

"Almost forgot he was still here," Willow said remembering, at little embarrassed she had forgot. "Talk to you later," she added as she left, closing the door behind her. 

Buffy changed out of clothes Willow, and Tara had dressed her in earlier, then quickly went, and took a shower and washed her hair. Coming back to her room she put on one of the new tops, and a pair of jeans. She pulled her hair back in a simple pony tail, and threw a little makeup on. Before she went downstairs she put the new clothes away in her closet all except for the new pink dress that she left hanging out. She was hoping that they could all go out tonight. Everyone needed a break from all the worry and hell they had all gone through for months on her, and Dawn´s behalf. 

She also hoped that the two men hadn´t killed each other. She didn´t hear any fighting as she went down to the ground level. She wasn´t sure whether this was a good or bad thing. She found them both sitting in her dining room with papers laid out on the table. Spike was reading over some documents it looked like while Angel was sitting back in his chair looking bored, and miserable. They both looked up at her approach with welcoming smiles. 

"You guys doing okay?" she asked. "I see you both are still intact, and not bleeding at least," she smiled, unsure whether she was interrupting anything or not. 

"We´re fine, luv. I´m just going over some of the paper work I have to sign to get my estate back in my name again, and reestablish my identity," Spike told her, looking over his glasses at her. 

Buffy had to suppress a giggle because he did look a lot like Giles when he did that. But way cuter—she amended to herself.—a whole lot, and sexy too. She had never thought about guys wearing glasses as sexy, but somehow, Spike was, or it was just him period. Then what he had said clicked into her mind. "Estate? What estate? Huh?" she looked at him confused. 

"Property, or I should say properties. That´s where a lot of the money I will shortly have back comes from—properties scattered across Europe, and other places we picked up in our travels as investments. I´m just trying decide which ones I´m going to let Angel keep since he´s done such a good job managing them," Spike replied, and looked over to Angel, who was now in brood mode. "At least I am letting you keep some of them. I could take them all back. So cheer up, and knock off the brooding." 

"I´ve got lots to brood about, William," he said meaningfully, not looking at Buffy. 

"And I thought we agreed not to discuss that further, Angelus," Spike shot back, emphasizing his ex-sire´s name if he was going to use his name like that in that tone. 

Buffy arched an eyebrow, curious, but deciding not to pry as whatever it was concerned her to be sure, and she didn´t want them to be fighting over her. She had had enough male testosterone battles over herself, thank you. "Okay, not asking. Don´t want to know. Willow suggested we have a end of Glory party at the Bronze tonight—anyone up for that?" she asked changing the subject. 

"I´m in. Are you sure you´re feeling up to something like that, pet?´ Spike asked her seriously, the concern evident in his voice, and the way he looked her up, and down. 

"Yeah, I think we all need it. And Angel you´re invited too, unless you´ve got to get back to LA real quick," she inquired, not missing Spike´s frown, and Angel´s smirky grin back at him. 

"I was going to leave as soon as the sun went down, but a couple of hours won´t matter. Things are pretty quiet on the home front," he told her. 

"Great. I was thinking we could all go around seven—eight, but I´ve got to call it quits after ten because Dawn still has school tomorrow. Maybe eat there? I still haven´t had a chance to do grocery shopping, and the pickings are pretty slim in the kitchen," Buffy added. 

"Sounds good too me. If you want I could take you shopping tomorrow. I know you´re not driving yet. And my car does run," he offered. 

"Okay, Giles really hates going to store with me," she agreed. "You going over to Giles´ place tonight?" 

"No, thought I´d give him a break, and get a room somewhere. Tomorrow I´m going to start looking for a place, a real place to live in." 

"There´s always the mansion," Angel offered, and Spike shot him a nasty look as did Buffy too. 

"Not on a bloody bet, mate. That place is all bloody yours. That one I am giving to you. Too many soddin´ bad memories. And if you do run into my ex you don´t tell her I´ve turned human. I don´t want to see her—ever. She´s your problem, and you deal with her," Spike told him angerily, not mincing words. 

"Fine—got it. You about through?" Angel asked flinching back from his anger. He glared then sat back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest. 

"Almost. You have your lawyers put in the changes I want, and it´s a done deal," Spike told him, making himself calm down, and be reasonable, especially in front of Buffy. 

"No, problem. You get them back either tomorrow, or the next day. Will that be soon enough?" Angel asked. 

"Yeah, it's good enough," Spike agreed, signing some papers then handing them to Angel. "I need this to be done soon as possible, so if I need to move quickly, I can," Spike told him, glancing at Buffy then back. Angel nodded grimly understanding more what was happening in Buffy's life, and knowing that Spike would make sure that Buffy, and Dawn were protected, and taken care of. 

"So you're getting an apartment, house, something?" Buffy asked, trying to figure out what Spike was up to. 

"A room for now, until I find a place. Even though Rupert said I could stay with him. I feel the need to be alone, sort some stuff out," he told her. 

"Ohh," Buffy said, restraining herself from offerring him crash space in her house, especially since he wanted to be alone, and more importantly because Angel was watching, and listening. "That's cool. I'm going to go call the shop, and see what everyone is up to," she said her voice several degrees cooler before she left at high speed for the kitchen. 

Spike looked after her frowning, and trying to figure out what was going on her head. His first choice would be staying here. But he really didn't want to ask, or throw them both into temptation after he had promised to take it slow. 

Angel had watched amused, not having really had a chance to observe the two's interactions before except as mortal enemies, and even that had been an odd experience. 

'What?" Spike asked him, becoming aware of Angel laughing at him. "What's so bloody funny?" 

"You two. Not that it's any of my business, but I do think she's upset about the idea of you wanting to stay by yourself in a hotel somewhere. Staying with the Watcher would have been one thing, but alone now that you are human is something else," Angel commented. 

Spike sighed, and nodded."I was trying to be a bloody gentleman, and not impose upon anyone. Rupert wants to do a bloody report on me--I know it. I'm just not in the mood for a bunch of soddin' questions about my bloody past now that he knows the truth. Yeah, I'd like to straighten up the facts with the Council about vampires, but not yet. Then he's also acting all fatherly about Buffy. He always has, but now it's worse," he added, taking a drink of his coke. 

"Been there with him, and that was before he knew I was a vampire. Now you're a vampire that's turned into a man, that he thinks he knows, sniffing around his daughter, so to speak," Angel told him, sipping his blood. 

"Yeah, tell me about it. He told me off when I was a vampire, now he's really unnerved. Though he really wasn't that thrilled with Riley when he started coming around. He tolerated him because of Buffy, but I don't think he shed a tear when soldier boy left. I do know I am not looking forward to meeting Buffy's real dad. That man has really hurt the girl--a lot, and Dawn too. Rup and I are going to have a hard time being civil to the blighter when he shows--if he shows after all," Spike said grimly. "So you think I pissed Buffy off?" Spike asked coming back to the original subject. 

"A little. Most of it is confusion. And when she gets confused she gets pissed, or goes cold on you. Maybe you two need to talk," Angel suggested. 

Spike cocked an eyebrow surprised. "You backing down from her?" 

"Yeah, I am. What we had isn't there any more. We've both moved on. We realized it after the funeral. Already I knew there was someone in her life, and not Riley, someone new, but she wasn't sure of her feelings. I think it was you, even then. She wasn't ready to accept her feelings, or yours. She had to deal with her mom, Dawn and her whole life being totally changed by her mom's death. Then there was the danger of Glory, and her just being a slayer with all the resposibilities that come with it. You have been here for her all this time. I see that now after talking with everyone. You haven't walked away no matter how bad, or messy it got. You could have after Dru, but you didn't. I think she does want you, but she's not sure how to tell you, and reacts by closing off. Then you two have developed responses to one another that are going to take some time to undo. It is not going to be easy having a relationship with her--believe me she is not easy to deal with," Angel said. 

"I know. She drives me up the bloody wall most of the time. So you're letting me have a go with her," Spike asked still surprised that the vampire was backing off. 

"I think you'll be good for her in ways I never could be." 

"All right, I'll try talking with her, and see what's on her mind," he said standing up and picking up his drink to empty in the trash as an excuse for being in the kitchen. "You coming to the Bronze tonight?" he asked before he started to leave. 

"Probably not. This is your time, Will. You don't need me hanging around making both of you uncomfortable. I still have cases to work on, and Dru and Darla to track down before they cause too many problems. Soon as the sun goes down I'm heading back and I'll take the garbage with me, and get rid of it," Angel told him reminding him of the bodies still in the back yard. 

"If you're sure, mate," Spike asked. 

"Yeah, best for everyone all around. Go to her," he told him, and Spike nodded, relieved and grateful that he now did have Angel's permission to pursue Buffy. They may not be sire, and childe any longer physically, but the emotional and mental ties were still there. Finally peace had been made between them and with a light heart, Spike left the vampire sitting alone at the table. After a minute, Angel got himself up, and went back down to the basement to rest some more before sundown, and to think. 

End Part 13 

TBC 

[Vickey Brickle-Macky @ vbmacky1@yahoo.com][1]   
  
  
  


   [1]: mailto:vbmacky1@yahoo.com



	16. Part 14

soulded14a Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me 

by VickeyBrickle-Macky/aka Phoenixstitch 

Very Definite S/B, Rating about PG 13 or so with warnings of strong language. Later will be R. 

Summary: Set around the time of "Intervention" but without the Buffybot, or his torture by Glory as events will make all those events unnecessary. Joyce is dead though. In this story Spike gotten tired of Buffy yelling at him after "Crush" because he doesn't have a soul so there was no way he could feel anything for her. He decides to have Willow give him one. Because of his encounter with the Ghora demon things go a little differently than anyone had intisipated and he not only get a soul but becomes human again. A lot of this so far story has been Spike and everyone getting adjusted to his new status, especially Buffy. Glory gets defeated and is no longer a threat, but the real threat to Dawn and Buffy's happiness and safety will becoming from her father who is coming to collect the two girls in two weeks, selling the house and moving them to LA. 

The earilier Parts of this story can be found on my In The Heart of Darkness site at http://fangslover.fanspace.com under Longer Buffy Stories and Noevels. Also on Fanfiction.net whenever they are working. Also check out my new Buffy art work on my site. 

Comments, gripes, etc.--vbmacky1@yahoo.com   
  


Part 14 

Buffy was sitting on a stool by the kitchen island talking on the phone. Her back was to him, when he came into the kitchen to throw his can away. Feeling his presence, she turned, and quirked an eyebrow at him then she told the person on the other end that she´d see them later. 

"Just picking up after myself, luv," he said to justify why he was there as he went past her feeling her eyes watching him the entire time. Walking over to the trash he did throw the can away, then looked back at her uncertain whether to stay, or go elsewhere. It wasn´t easy to tell by her expression. He cleared his throat nervously since she wasn´t saying anything to him, just watching him with an unreadable expression on her face. "Angel said he´s heading back come sundown. Said he´s got stuff to do," Spike told her, leaning against the counter by the sink. 

She nodded and sighed, accepting what he had just told her. "I figured he´d bail out. Probably for the best if he does go back tonight," she told him. "*Everything* has to be pretty painful for him. Even though it seems he is accepting all the changes around her better than I thought he would," Buffy said. 

"Yeah, he is. Surprised me too," he replied. "And you, …how are you handling the changes?" he had to ask. "You are okay, aren´t you? No going back comatose on us?" he shifted worriedly, looking her over carefully to see how she really was holding up. 

He wasn´t sure how she really was after coming back to the world since she had put on her 'everything is fine with the world´ face to everyone since waking up. After being in her head he knew with real certainty that things were still far from being fine with her. She was still just hanging by a thread in a lot of ways. Though it was easing since she no longer had the hellbitch to contend with, and they all were safe from that threat. It was the day to day problems of life that were the hard ones for her. Fighting and dealing with demons were easy. Dealing still with the aftermath of her mom´s death was the real problem for her. He just hoped she would let him help as he had promised her he would. 

Buffy shook her head no to his question then answered him. "I´m okay—I think. Recovering from my shut down, and trying to sort things out—especially your visit in my head. Guess, there´s not going to be any secrets from one another—huh?" she asked with a slight blush to her cheeks. "Like you saw parts of me no one knows about. Things I didn´t want anyone to know about. I´m surprised it didn´t scare, or turn you off. It´s not all so pretty in my Buffy head." 

Spike smiled reassuringly to her. "Luv, it wasn´t that bad—really. You´re really more together than anyone in your position could be, and still be sane with all you have had to deal with in your life. Your strength and will to survive despite what gets thrown at you by the world are bloody amazing. I also understand a lot of things now because I have the missing pieces to the puzzle that has always been you, Buffy the woman, not the slayer. I can see why you´ve been so bloody angry at me, and how I royally fucked up with you time, and time again. For all those fuck ups, and hurts I do want to apologize for because I didn´t know, didn´t understand what was going on on your side of it all. Can you forgive me for being a first class ass most of time you have known me?" he asked sincerely, looking up at her, his eyes regarding her uncertainly through his glasses. 

Buffy looked at the newly human man before her seeing how vulnerable, and different he really was now, and how much the same he still was despite his transformation. Though she was still having a hard time trying to get used to seeing the sandy colored soft curls, the glasses, and the new trendy clothes. The large gothic cross was tending to wig her out as his humanity had not yet completely set into her mind yet. But the voice, that handsome face out of which stared at her with those piercing eyes of his that saw so much were still the same. With a jolt she realized that the packaging didn´t matter. It never really had whether he was vampire, or human. He was still the same no soul, or souled. He was still the man she had been falling in love with for years too, but she had been afraid to admit to loving because he had been a vampire, and she was a slayer, mortal enemies that shouldn´t care about one another, and did despite their natures. 

Here he was trying to apologize to her when it she that should be asking his forgiveness for all the rotten, nasty things she had said, and done to him when he hadn´t deserved it. Though there was a lot he had had done quite well on his own to piss her off—lot of her sniping, and anger towards him had been due to other people coloring her mind, and emotions. She felt very guilty, and ashamed for her treatment of him, especially the last months when he had been trying to be good, and change himself—all without help, or guidance by anyone. God—how had he been able to do it alone, especially when she, and the others had made fun of him, and damned near pushed him back into his old ways? Anyone else would have given up, but he had persisted on his new course of wanting to do good despite their rejection of him. No wonder he had seemed unhinged, frenzied at times, and had been so hurt, and angry when his efforts had gotten shot down, or mocked by her, and her friends. 

She understood him now too. The spell had worked both ways . While he was wandering through her mind, she had also seen his secrets as well. Though she didn´t think he knew that yet, and she would have to let him know—gently she hoped, that there really weren´t any secrets now between them. Some things she had rather not have known about –like his years with Angelus, Darla and Dru—at least the bloody thirsty parts, and the kinky sex scenes—lots of those. Those were going to take a while to digest. His rage at Angel and Angelus she now understood—that was not going to be fun to work through if it ever could be. But she saw what being a vampire had meant to him, and why he had held the experience in such awe. She really had been a twit when she had dismissed what he was trying to tell her at the Bronze that night—she really should have listened as she did understand now his experiences. She was really going to have to talk to Giles about how wrong they all were about the nature of vampires, or this ex-vampire in particular who had managed to hold on to his humanity despite the demon who tried to take him over. 

A large part of William had survived the 'change´. She could see that as she saw the shy, sensitive man he had been, and how he had been forced to create "Spike" as a front to win his place in Angelus´ group, and to survive the daily horrors he had to endure if he wanted to keep 'living´. Now that "Spike" was no longer needed, and he had his humanity back he wasn´t sure who he was, or could be. He was going to have to redefine himself again, and he was scared. More scared than when he had been turned because being evil, and a vampire had been easy, being human, and being a man she could accept, and love was something entirely different. He couldn´t revert to who he had been before—he was too altered by his experiences. He had been trying to redefine himself in terms of his neutered state, but that was as a vampire, and now he was fully human—that wasn´t going to work. He felt like he was going to have to start from scratch to do things right. Inside he was scared because he was so afraid he was going to fuck up, and blow this precious gift he had been given—her love. She was his anchor, his reason for being, and right now he needed her to show him the way, and how to live again as a human with all that entailed. 

Buffy met his eyes, and smiled to reassure him before he bolted because her silence after his apology had been so long. "Yes, but it should me apologizing to you too. I need to apologize for dumping all my garbage on you whether, or not you deserved it, or not at the time. You got it full blast a lot of times just because you were just there, and available to take things out on, not because of anything you were really doing at the time. Do you understand?" she asked. 

"I do now, and know why you couldn´t explain it. I hope it isn´t going to bug you that I do know things," he inquired cautiously with a raised eyebrow. 

"No—not, unless it bothers you that I know stuff about you too. It seems the spell worked both ways. I got into your head while you were getting into mine," Buffy confessed, chewing on her bottom lip worriedly as she saw the shock in his eyes. 

"Ohh…bloody hell. You saw—everything?" he asked with a mixture of sheer horror, and embarrassment. His face flushed redly. Depressed at his dark secrets having being revealed, he slumped against the counter, his hands reaching out behind him, griping it to hold himself up. Ashamed, he hung his head down, staring at the floor, not wanting to meet her eyes now. "Ohh, luv, I´m sorry. I didn´t know you´d be able to take a trip through my bleeding memories. You must really hate me now, seeing what I was like, what I did," he said, his voice etched with pain. 

"No, Sp-Will, I don´t hate you—actually I´m rather impressed by how 'you´ managed to survive both Angelus, and Dru all those years. And I thought I had it bad. You´ve seen, and done so much, and had so much done to you. I saw the real story of how you got turned—not the edited version in full surround sound, and feel. We are alike—more than I could ever have imagined. The only difference between a slayer and a demon is that I´m alive, and haven´t been turned, but the power—the roots in darkness—they´re the same—they spring from the same source. We´re both…killers," she said, her eyes taking on a haunted, afraid look. 

"Luv-v, you were supposed to know that. I wanted to tell you that night, but I knew how the truth would set with you, and I couldn´t let you have that knowledge hanging over your head. You had enough to deal with. You weren´t ready to know. But you protect life—the world. Vampires, demons—they exist only to destroy that life, our world—it´s not the same." 

"But it is a demon of sorts within me…that´s what gives me my powers, my strength. You can´t deny it? How come the Watcher´s don´t know? Surely they must after all this time?" she asked. 

"Ohh, they bloody know—at least the big boys do. Why do you think that have been so bloody upset about you fraternizing with the enemy, both me and Angel, because they were scared that we´d tell you the truth, and get you to see past their lies as you have been doing on your own. The only reason we do is because Angel cared enough to find out, and question the nature of our existence." 

"I saw the two of you researching over the years," she told him, and he nodded. 

"Eternal life does get a bit boring after a while, especially when there wasn´t a telly around. One thing I can say for Peaches at least he does have a brain. Having to stay in made him start to use it, and polish off his rough edges so he could move around in polite society. He made me start using mine again too, so I wouldn´t be a bloody useless minion thinking about nothing but blood, sex, and violence. Because he forced me to study, that did make the William side of me stay too. Soon I got caught up in his quests for knowledge, reading and learning more than I had when I was alive. At least we could talk to one another in the old days—the girls weren´t much on intellectual conversations," he sighed. "But Peaches quest was to understand what we were, our true nature, why we existed. He was not satisfied with the pat answers and vagueness he got from the other masters and those in the know." 

"And did he find out?" she asked half afraid. 

"Dunno. He was going to the gypsies to find out some information when he lost control of the bloodlust, and killed that girl. He got cursed with a soul, and left us. I don´t know whether he kept up his quest after that or not. But I sort of kept up the quest on my own when I wasn´t babysitting Dru after Darla split from us, and went back to the Master. Though my inquiries were more along the lines of understanding what a slayer was, so I could know their weaknesses, and defeat them," he confessed with a blush, looking at her disapproving frown. He looked back at her and scowled, pacing a little his hands moving to emphasis his words. "I mean I was a bloody vampire—know your enemy—was always a sound principle to go by. What I was doing wasn´t any different from the lot of you doing research on some bloody demon. And there are bloody scholars on the other side that keep tabs on the Watchers, the slayers, and this whole other unnatural existence you deal with. Think the Watchers have the corner on knowledge—no hardly. They are so clueless sometimes it´s bloody laughable—at least from the other side—that is," he told her. 

"But you got all this knowledge in your head—why didn´t you share it?" Buffy asked watching him pace knowing now that was how he kept his thoughts and emotions in check. 

"Do you seriously think Giles would have listened to me? I mean really, luv? The man can barely tolerate me as it is, and if I started volunteering what I know he´d never accept it coming out of my mouth. Even with me being human, he´s still not going to accept anything I say as being true because what I do know contradicts all the lies the Council has been feeding him, and the other Watchers for years," he told her sincerely. 

"Maybe he´ll start listening to you if I talk to him. What you know is important, valuable to all of us, especially me, and the slayers that with follow me. No wonder no slayer survives long—damn those idiots on the Council. It´s all because we all have been working with faulty information furnished by the Council," she said a bit angrily especially about the Watchers part in all of this who had colored their reports, and diaries to fit the party line so to speak. 

"Maybe Giles will listen, I don´t know, luv. But it comes back to my questions of how you are doing? And if you a okay with me—now that you know me—way much better than I wanted you to know me?" he asked stopping in front of her, looking at her worriedly. 

She sat there, hands in her lap, trying to figure out what to say back to him. A lot of his past was very unnerving, and scary to her. He had done horrible, violent things, and had been happy to do them—those images weren´t going to go away soon. But there were the other memories when he wasn´t out doing mayhem of how he took care of Drusilla, and his vampire family. How he had changed since knowing her, and the Scoobies, her family and began seeing people as people once again. How he really had been trying to do right both for her, and for the larger world all alone, without help, or direction. If he was ever going to be able to go forward, and be the man that he wanted to be for her she was going to have to forgive his past, and accept it as past, not present. He didn´t want to hold on to what he had been, so neither should she. This was both their beginning points. Their chance to start fresh in a lot of ways. And it depended on what she said next to him. 

She looked up, and met his worried eyes, trying not to think about how blue they were. She had to stay focused, and be honest with him—he deserved no less from her as she told him, "yeah, pretty much I´m okay with things, and myself. Though there a lot about who you were I am not going to think about. I have to accept it, because it was your life, and part of what made you who you are—both the good and bad. At least those psych classes did some good, so I can put things in perspective a little better than I did before," she told him with a slight smile, seeing the beginnings of relief on his face. 

"T-that´s good—I guess," Spike replied, still uncertain. "I was a monster. I can´t change the facts or the memories. They hurt now, more than you´ll know, but I can´t spend my life brooding about what I did because I can´t change what happened. If I hadn´t been turned then I wouldn´t be here now with you. And I will never regret meeting you, or falling in love with you," he told her gently. "You are the best thing that happened to me." 

"More than you becoming human again?" she asked surprised. 

"More than that. Always," he said reaching over, and giving her a kiss on her cheek. "Without you, nothing matters." 

Buffy pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around his neck, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her at his simple words. "Sp-Will, I don´t know what to say." 

"Say nothing. Just kiss me," he told her looking down into her eyes that were a jumble of her feelings. His own were smoky dark, full of love, wanting, and desire for her as he wrapped his arm around her and bent his head down to kiss her. 

She met his lips willingly still trying to reconciling warm with him instead of cool with him, but not disliking it at all. Their kiss quickly escalated to a battle of tongues and lips as their passion rose. She stood up to be closer to him. It was all see could do to not take him right then and there in the kitchen. She wanted him as badly as he wanted her, his hard body pressed up against her left no doubts of his interest, or need of her. "Spike, I love you. I love you so much," she gasped, catching her breath as she leaned her head on his shoulder, trying to stand on her now wobbly feet. 

"Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much," he said against her ear before he pushed himself back a little to compose himself before he did take her. If they had been alone in the house he would have, but he was very aware that her sister, and Angel were still present. "I thought we were going to take this slow?´ he said, smiling down at her. 

"I´m trying to—honest. But when you kiss me. Slow doesn´t enter into it," she smiled back. "All I want is you—preferably without all these clothes in the way," she admitted, shyly. 

He grinned at her, and raised his eyebrow. "Oh, that could be arranged." 

"I know—but Angel is still here, and Dawn. I couldn´t do anything with them here. Then we got to start getting ready to meet the gang at the Bronze," she sighed, moving back from him to sit back on her stool to give them both space to cool down. 

Spike nodded, stepping back himself, willing his body to calm down, knowing that there would be time for them later. He´d make sure of it. He´d just have to be patient. He looked over at the kitchen clock on the wall. It was going on six, and the sun was almost down. Angel would be leaving soon back to LA unless he changed his mind about staying for the party. Though Spike really couldn´t wait for Angel to leave, so he could have Buffy to himself without her feeling guilty with the ponce being around. 

"We´re meeting them when?" he asked, going over to the sink, and getting himself a drink of water. 

"Around seven, seven-thirty. But we can get there earlier if you want." 

"Doesn´t matter, whenever we´re all ready. I´m going to go root through my bags and find something to wear, then go take a shower. Unless you want to pick out what I wear and help me dress?" he asked, cocking his head. 

She flushed, "no, I think you handle that. Surprise me. I-I mean surprise me in what you´re going to wear," she said quickly, ducking her head because she so much didn´t want to go where her head had been going with images of a naked Spike and her in the shower and their never getting dressed at all if she did help him—dress. Then she remembered him saying something about moving to a motel room instead of going to Giles´. "You still leaving tonight?´ she asked. 

"I guess. I didn´t want to impose with you seeing that I´m not broke and all. And I really wasn´t that enthusiastic about staying with Giles. We got along better when I wasn´t in love with you, and I was just a tolerated pest," he told her, waiting to find out what was on her mind, and not hoping too much in case he was wrong. 

"You could stay here? We got the room, if you don´t mind staying in Mom´s room. Giles has been staying there off and on so he could be here for dawn when I was out on patrol. This way you wouldn´t have to waste money on a room, since the crypt is out now," she said getting flustered. "I mean, that´s if you want to. I don´t know if you want to, or not. Or if being here with me would bother you since you want to go slow?" she questioned cautiously, unsure now of what she was asking. 

"It´s okay. Luv. Yes, I would like to stay, but I didn´t want to somehow mess things up seeing the problems with your Dad, and social services. Not to mention your friends. I may be human, but everyone is still going to be seeing me as I was. And thinking if I moved in I´d be taking advantage of you—not that I don´t want to—but I was trying to protect you, and do the honorable thing by keeping my distance. People still kind of frown on two people living together unmarried, especially with a minor in the house," he told her honestly. 

She looked at him confused. "You´re saying no?" 

"Buffy, I want to say yes. If it were just you and me—yeah, in a heartbeat, and the hell with what every one would think about it. But there is Dawn to think about, and how it would look. We don´t need any bloody ammunition for your Dad´s lawyers, not if you want to get custody of Dawn. It´s her I´m thinking of. Tomorrow we´re going to go talk to some lawyers, and see what you can do against your Dad. I don´t want you to lose your sis, and I know she doesn´t want to lose you either. I´m just trying to look at the larger picture, luv, that´s all," he told her with a sigh. 

She nodded, having to agree with his logic and reasons. She hadn´t expected him to be so noble, and unselfish. But he had been this way before she realized, looking at the larger picture that just himself. 

"That doesn´t mean I won´t be around, or over here though. I just don´t want to set up residence here until we get things settled about Dawn, and your Dad. Understand?" he asked. 

"Yeah, I do. Thanks, I guess. I hadn´t thought it all out. Yeah, I guess it would look sort of bad. I get questions enough about Giles being over, or Xander. You´re right," she admitted. 

"I´m just trying to do what is right, and not mess things up for you. I want to be with you, so bad it hurts, Buffy, but I can´t not yet, because I want it to be right between us. I want to do things the right way. I finally have the bloody chance to make up for all my bad, and I am going to do it so that I am worthy of you," he said. 

"Spike, you don´t have to. I know you don´t feel worthy of me, but you are. You really are," she reassured him coming over, and giving him a kiss on the cheek. He was starting to turn into her and give her on of his own when he became aware that they were no longer alone. 

"Ah hmmm," came Dawn´s voice from the doorway. "I hate to break up this smooch fest, but aren´t we supposed to going somewhere?" she asked, a smile on her face watching them back away from one another in embarrassment. 

"Yeah, right. I´ll just be grabbing some clothes, and taking my shower now," Spike said, grinning at Dawn as he went past her. She just shook her head in amusement at him. 

Dawn went over to the refrigerator and got herself a drink. She eyed her nervous sister. "Everything okay?" she asked. 

"Yeah, it is." 

"You and Spike getting together? I knew you would," Dawn added with a grin really wanting the two of them to get together. 

"Maybe, I don´t know yet." 

"Is he moving in?" she asked, pressing the issue more. 

"No. Said he´ll be staying at a motel. Mainly because of Dad and social services," Buffy explained. 

Dawn looked disgusted. "That sucks. And what about Dad? You heard from him? When?" she asked surprised as no one had said anything to her yet. 

"Last night. Except it wasn´t him. It was a lawyer calling on his behalf saying that Dad will be here in two weeks to settle Mom´s estate, and to take us back to LA with him. That they´ll be selling the house. Giles tried to argue with him, but it was useless," Buffy told her. 

"No, no way. I am not moving to LA. I got friends here. You got friends here. You got your slayer job, Spike, and this is our home—Mom made it for us when Dad left her. He can´t sell it—I won´t let him. And I won´t go with him. I´ll leave first. I hate him. I hate his guts because he doesn´t care about us—not really. He couldn´t even come to Mom´s funeral, or call when she was in hospital. Giles has been more of a dad to us than that man that calls himself our father. Besides, he´s not really my dad—he only thinks he is. Someone is making him do this—I know it—why now? Why after all this time is suddenly concerned about us when he never was before?´ Dawn asked, her voice rising in volume as she got more and more upset. 

Buffy had wondered that too. She just hadn´t had a chance to think about it, and wonder why 'now´? Why after almost two months was her father finally surfacing, and not even giving them a chance to discuss any of this personally, or even face to face? It wasn´t right. It wasn´t fair. She and Dawn were just expected to drop everything, their lives, give up their home, and go off to an uncertain life with a man they just barely knew at all any more who most likely wasn´t going to be around that much anyway. 

Dawn stood there angrily expecting an answer, and Buffy really didn´t have any to give her. She could only answer her truthfully, "Dawn, I don´t know—really. But I am not giving up you, this home, or lives without a fight. We will find out what is going on—I promise. Spike, and all the guys are going to help us. It´s not a done deal, so please calm down," she told her and saw her sister relax a little before she continued. "What I want you do is go upstairs and get ready. Willow said she got you a new dress to wear. I´m going to wear mine. Tonight we are going to relax, have fun—if any of us can remember how," she said and Dawn giggled. 

"Ohh, I think I still remember," she laughed getting into a better mood already. "Is Angel going?" she asked. 

Buffy shrugged. "I dunno. I think he´s going back to LA. Things are kind of tense around here," Buffy answered. 

"I might stick around for a couple of minutes, if you want me to," Angel answered for himself from the doorway. 

"I see you´re up," Buffy said simply, feeling almost sad for him. He nodded back not saying a word just looking at her with his sad dark eyes. She could tell he wasn´t dealing well at all with all the changes in her life. Especially her and Spike becoming a couple. Spike´s new humanity, and love for Buffy had been hard to take, but her feelings for the former vampire in return had been even harder for him to accept. 

"I´m going go get ready," Dawn said seeing that the two former lovers needed to talk. She scooted past Angel and left. Neither her sister or the vampire noticed her leaving. 

"So, you coming to the party? Dawn wanted to know," she said conversationally. 

"Depends. I don´t want to be in the way. This isn´t my place any more, Buffy. Hasn´t been for a long while. We both know it. I don´t fit in, and now you have a chance at a real life—with Spike. God, that sounds really strange coming out of my mouth. Life with Spike. I´ll get over his becoming human again eventually," he laughed a little, as he rambled nervously. 

"I´m still not used to it yet myself," she admitted, managing a weak smile back, "but it does make things easier between us. His being a vampire—after my experiences with you, was hard. Because I have to admit I have been in love with him for a while, even though I couldn´t admit it to even myself, let alone anyone else. You and him both were why it never really worked with Riley--he wasn´t monster enough. Then he did what you did—he left. The only one who has stayed, no matter how many times I told him to leave was Spike. He stayed. He will stay no matter what, or how rough it gets." 

"I would have stayed if things had been different, and I didn´t have this damned curse. I still love you. I will always love you, Buffy, no matter what," he said coming closer but not touching her. He was afraid to touch or hold her because he knew he wouldn´t be able to let her go if he did. 

"I know, Angel. I will always love you too. You are still a part of me. But we just weren´t meant to be even if you didn´t have your curse because you have changed, and so have I. We´re not the same any more. I knew that when you found me at Mom´s grave that it was finally over and that we had both moved on. I felt peaceful almost. I realized that I was finally okay with it. I could go on. I could let myself love again. I let go of you and Riley both that night. I finally realized I had been using him as a substitute for you all this time. I thought I loved him when I never really did. His leaving was a good thing," she said with a touch of sadness and shame. 

"And Spike?" 

"There is no substitute for him, never was. He and I have been through a lot together, things that only he and I have shared. Willow´s spell brought out a lot of stuff that he and I hadn´t admitted to ourselves before." 

"Willow´s spell?" he questioned, not sure whether she meant the one she had just done to bring her back or some other one he hadn´t heard about. 

"Yeah, the one about a year or so ago where Spike and I were engaged and going to get married." 

"Huh? You—him—married?" Angel questioned surprised and hurt. 

"It was just for a day. It was after Oz left and Willow was all upset and did a spell to have her will be done. Anyway, Xander became a demon magnet, Giles went temporally blind and she was mad at me because I was spending so much time with Spike after he got chipped to find out what he knew about the Initative. So the spell on us was for us to get married if I was going to be with him, so much instead of her." 

"And…?" he prompted sensing there was more to the story than what she was saying. 

"We got rather close—real close. Closer than what the spell was intended. Guess it brought out all kinds of things we both were feeling already. After it was over we kind of avoided each other as much as possible. We didn´t even talk about it until last night," she explained. 

"Oohh," he said, letting the implications of what she was really saying sink in. That unless he was wrong Buffy and Spike had had sex during this spell too—oh shit, he thought. A lot of their weird behavior together made perfect sense now. "So you both went on after the spell was over as if nothing had happened? What about Riley?" Angel asked because he knew the soldier was in there somewhere during this time period. 

"Yeah, we did. We had to. Mortal enemies and all and my friends, especially after everything we all had gone through with you—I couldn´t let there be anything between him and me. And you were pushing me to find a normal guy. Riley fit the bill—I guess. He kept pushing, and finally I gave in, and began dating him, and everyone was happy." 

"But you weren´t, were you?" he asked gently. 

"I thought I was, but no—not really. Then Spike started being a total jerk, and it became easy to hate him, and push aside those fuzzy feelings I did have for him. Except the more I pushed, the more he stayed. We´ve had some really nasty fights, and both said things to each other we both regret. But still he´s been there for me, helped me and my friends and Dawn. He understand me, sometimes better than I do myself. I didn´t realize how much I had come to depend upon him until this trouble with Glory started heating up. He protected my Mom and my sister, he fought beside me, and helped Dawn when no one else could. But when he told me he loved me—I freaked because I couldn´t handle being loved again after Riley and you. Because if he loved me he would end up leaving me, and I didn´t want him to leave—not really. By that time I had dismissed what he, and I had shared as a one time fling due to the spell and nothing serious. I didn´t want to acknowledge that I really did have feelings for him that weren´t all loathing, and disgust towards him." Buffy confessed then looked over to Angel to see how he had taken all this. 

"But you do love him, don´t you?" he asked. 

"Yeah, I do. And this time I won´t apologize for it, Angel." 

"Don´t want you to. If he is what makes you happy, then I am happy for you. I mean it. You have my blessing for whatever that is worth," he said looking down at the young woman he still loved. 

She gave him a quick hug. "Thank you for understanding. It means a lot that you´re not mad at me or him," she said. 

"I´ll never be mad at you, Buffy. Well, I´d best be going. Got to get back to LA. Just let me know when the wedding is," he grinned. 

"Wedding?" she looked at him shocked. 

"Yeah, there is one in there somewhere, sometime soon," he grinned back at her blush.. 

"I—I guess," she said, not really wanting to go into Spike sort of asking her last night. There were somethings she rather not say. "It really hasn´t been discussed—too much else going on," she recovered quickly. Then glanced at the clock and saw it was quarter to seven. She had to go get dressed. "So, if you´re not going then I guess it´s goodbye for now," she said, walking in the direction of the front door. 

He nodded and followed her. Neither Dawn or Spike were in sight. "I´ll tell them your goodbyes," she said opening the door. Spike and Dawn were both sitting on the front steps talking, they looked back at Buffy and Angel. 

"Hey, Peaches, think you can give us a lift to the Bronze before you go?" Spike asked. 

"Yeah, no problem," he said looking back at Buffy. Who was motioning to Spike that she still had to go upstairs, and get ready. She left hurriedly with Dawn getting up, and following her sister so that two men could talk alone. 

"Great," he said, wanting to have a few final words with his ex-sire. "Have a seat," he added motioning for the bigger man to sit down. 

Spike lit a cigarette. Even though he had promised himself he was going to quit, after he had had to calm down Dawn about her dad, he needed one. The girl was upset, and rightly so. This thing with her dad was more of a threat to her than Glory or any demon. "Dawn was filling me in on some stuff about her dad. I need you to find some information out for me on him so we know what we are bloody well dealing with. Especially his lawyers, who they are, how hard they are to work against—got it?" 

"Got it. Do you know which law firm?" Angel asked. Giles hadn´t said when they were talking earlier, but he had filled him in on what was happening. 

"I think it´s something like Wolf and Hart, or something like that. Giles scribbled it down and it´s hard to read his bloody handwriting even with glasses," Spike complained, taking a scrap of paper out of his coat pocket, and holding it out to try to read it by the light of porch light. 

Angel startled at the name and cold chills went through him. "Let me see the paper," he asked his former childe and Spike handed it over. He had no trouble reading Giles´ scrawl. It was Wolfram and Hart. He had a sinking feeling in his stomach. This was not good. Not good at all if this bunch were involved with Buffy and Dawn. This suddenly was becoming much more than just a simple parental custody case after the death of a spouse. 

Spike saw that Angel had gone silent and a few shades paler after looking at the information Giles had written down. "What? Somethin´ up. Spill," Spike demanded. 

"This is bad news if this bunch is involved with Buffy´s father. This is the same law firm I have been fighting in LA. They use dark magicks. Their senior partners all work for the side of darkness, and to work for them you have to sell your soul. They´re the ones that mojoed Darla back from the dead, and brought Drusilla back to revamp her. Now do you understand?" Angel told him as calmly as he could. 

"Shit!´ was Spike´s response, his eyes wide, and frightened behind his glasses. As everything that Dru had told him clicked into place about her new friends that were taking such good care of her, and Darla. "You´re sure of all this?" he asked hoping Angel was wrong. They didn´t need trouble like this. 

"Positive. I been dealing with this bunch for over a year now. They´ve been trying to turn me to the dark side, and damn near succeeded. They probably know everything there is to know about both Buffy, and Dawn as well as everyone here. Nothing gets past them. Her father may, or may not have a clue about his daughters or about the lawyers. But I know if Wolfram and Hart are involved, they want to get their hands on the girls, and use their powers for their own ends," Angel told him grimly. 

"Fuck!" Spike swore, upset now, and afraid for his girls in a way he had never been before. "Got any ideas of how to fight these bastards, and get them out of the picture?" he asked, trying to stay calm, and think. 

"Not yet, but I´ll work on it. First we got to find out how tight Buffy´s father is with this group, and then we can go from there," Angel told him, knowing that wasn´t much help, but that was the best he could do until they had more information to work with. 

"But don´t take bloody long in finding out. We´ve only got two weeks until her father shows up to take them away unless we can stop them before hand," Spike warned him not noticing Buffy and Dawn coming up behind them and hearing some of the conversation. 

End Part 14 


	17. Part 15

Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me/Part 15/?  
  
by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky 3/08/2001/ and 4/17/2001  
  
This was all brought on by all the discussions of Spike not being redeemable, or able to really love because he doesn't have a soul. What if he said the hell with it, and went all the way, and asked Willow to do a soul restoration spell on him (though it has always amazed me that no one on the show ever thought of doing one on him anyway if they were so worried about him being dangerous with, or without the chip.) I was also listening to VNV Nation tracks while writing this so this will get sort of weird. This is set after "Crush", "The Body", and "Forever", after Joyce's funeral, and after Spike gets bit . This sort of ignores the some of the story line in "Intervention", for the purposes of this story. Also I used parts of Willow's original spell in "Becoming II" with some modifications, and changes here, and there. Usual disclaimers all apply to not stepping on anyone's copyrights with Josh Wheldon, Mutant Enemy, etc.. I don't any of these characters, just borrowing them, especially Spike, and trying out different directions than the show has gone. Rating about PG-17. If you can watch the show you can read this.  
  
As you can see I started this in March--I really will get this done eventually and the others like "Hate and Love". This is my favorite to write on. Hope it hasn't bee n to bad so far. The other parts of this are on my In The heart Darkness site at http://fangslover.fanspace.com or on fanfiction.net. As far as I know this isn't archieved anywhere else. If you are interested just give me a holler.  
  
Part 15  
  
"Stop who" Buffy asked worriedly looking back and forth between the two men sitting on her front steps. "What's going on guys?"  
  
"It's about your dad's lawyers, luv. They are real bad news. Seems Peaches here, knows some of them personally," Spike explained getting up. "They're not ordinary, run of the mill paper pushers. They're working for the other not so pleasant side. They brought Darla back to life, and then found Dru to revamp her," he added, trying to keep his tone level, and not get her as upset as he was feeling right at this moment.  
  
Buffy looked at him shocked. "Darla's back? As in alive then vamped again? Why didn't you tell me that?" she snarled at him, and he flinched back.  
  
Spike glared back at her. "When have I had a chance to let you know? It wasn't anything that would come up in normal conversation, and after Dru's visit you weren't really that talkable to," he told her truthfully, and she sighed, admitting he was right. She really hadn't wanted to listen to anything he had to say after she had found herself zapped by a cattle prod, and then chained up.  
  
"Yeah, you're right. Sorry, to snap like that. So we have bigger problems than just plain old lawyers?" Buffy asked seriously, making herself calm down.  
  
"That's the size of it. Peaches is going to do some checking for us when he gets home," he assured her.  
  
"Sounds like we need to tell the gang this too," Buffy commented, trying to think. "Angel, you need to tell Giles what you know about this law firm. If they are into the dark stuff maybe even the Council has info on them, or can suggest some one on our side to fight them. There's got to be something we can do," Buffy said hopefully.  
  
"Maybe, I hope so," Angel told her but he wasn't holding out any hope. So far he hadn't heard of any law firm working for the side of good, but that didn't mean that there may not be one out there somewhere. He had to check with his sources, and see what they knew.  
  
"Guys, aren't we supposed to meet everyone? Eat, etc.?" Dawn reminded them, tapping her foot in impatience as she looked at the supposed adults. They could talk later. She just wanted to go, and get something to eat. Do something besides talk about problems.  
  
"Right," Spike said having almost forgotten why they were all dressed up. Shifting his mind back from business for a moment he took in the new dresses both Dawn and Buffy were wearing. Especially the dress Buffy was wearing, and how beautiful and feminine she was in it. She had swept her long hair up, and curled it slightly so little ringlets dangled down. 'Cor she was breathtaking,' he thought to himself as he found his breath catching in his throat and his stomach fluttering, trying to keep his body's reactions to her down, grateful for his the concealing folds of duster. "Are you ready to go, pet?" he asked keeping his voice level and ignoring the looks Angel was giving him as he extending his hand to help her down the stairs.  
  
"Any time," she smiled taking his hand, and letting him help her for once. Then looking over to Dawn, who was shaking her head in amusement at the two blondes, Buffy asked," did you lock, and shut the door?"  
  
"Yes, I locked, and shut the stupid bloody door," Dawn shot back using one of Spike's favorite swear words for emphasis as she tromped noisily down the stairs past them which got her looks from the other three as they walked to the car. "I'm not twelve you know," she added with a grumble crossing her arms in disgust as she leaned against Angel's car waiting to get in.  
  
"Did you get the you knows?" Spike asked Angel as they got to the car, and he helped Buffy, and Dawn into the back seat. He got next to Angel in the front. He would have liked to have sat next to Buffy, but things were tense enough between the three of them without adding more fuel to the fire.  
  
"While you and Buffy were talking I slipped out, and took care of the problem," he replied, quietly knowing that Spike would hear him, and not wanting the girls to know.  
  
Spike nodded. He and Angel were old hands at body disposal. It was not the most pleasant of tasks, but it needed to be done. There was no way that anyone would be able to resurrect Glory now if Angel had done the job right.  
  
"Where's that car of yours, Spike?' Angel asked changing the conversation to hopefully a more neutral one.  
  
"Parked, in a garage off Elm. Didn't want it too visible. Too many demons around here know it's mine. I was going to go get it tonight though. That way no one has to go out of their way to take me around places," he added.  
  
"You could use my Mom's car. It's just sitting there," Dawn spoke up from the back.  
  
"Thanks Little Bit, but no- I wouldn't feel right about it. Besides, your big sis needs to learn how to drive that. Don't you, luv?" he asked her turning around in his seat to talk to her.  
  
"Me? Drive?" she look back frightened at even the idea of driving, and shook her head worriedly. "Those are two things, that aren't good things together—me, and driving. I tried one time, and really messed up Mom's other car. Haven't wanted to try to again."  
  
"Oh, you mean the night that Mom, and Giles got smashed on that candy, and were acting like kids again?" Dawn asked, looking at her and giggling.  
  
Buffy ducked her head embarrassed. She so much did not want the two guys to know the details of that night, but she could see that if she didn't explain, Dawn would. "Yeah, that night. They were worse than me, and my friends. And neither one of them had any shame." Buffy added biting her bottom lip not really wanting to explain more.  
  
Spike looked at her incredulously, trying to understand what she was saying without coming right out, and bluntly asking. "The Watcher and your Mum?"  
  
"It was this band candy that had a spell on it, and it turned all the adults that ate it into acting like kids with no inhibitions about anything. Giles became Ripper, and Mom, well…Mom went back to her flower child days I guess, and they couldn't keep their hands off one another. Heard they did it on top of a police car. In public no less. Afterwards Mom joked about it. When she did Giles would just turn this bright red shade, and disappear," Buffy admitted, and Spike laughed.  
  
"I always thought the Watcher, and your Mum had something going. Shame they never really did. They would have been good for one another," Spike said sincerely, and she knew he meant it..  
  
"I thought so too, but they never did, and finally Mom got brave enough to try dating again since Giles wouldn't get the hint. Never did met the guy she was starting to see. His name was Brian something. Met him at her gallery she said. He never showed for her funeral either. Always wondered about that. He sent her flowers the day…I found her. But none when she died," she said sadly, looking down and trying not to cry.  
  
Spike looked back at her worriedly. He hadn't planned on setting her off by his questions. "I'm sorry, luv, didn't know I was going to be bringing up bad memories. I want this to be a happy night. A good night as much as it can be," he said, reaching over, and touching her hand.  
  
"Me too. I'll be better. I promise," she said, making herself smile back at him in reassurance that she was okay—really.  
  
Angel had noticed the exchange between the two, it still hurt a little, but he was getting used to the idea of them together. Since talking with Spike, and Buffy about Wolfram and Hart, the game plan for the night had slightly changed. Before he was just going to drop them all off and go, now he was going to stay at least long enough to talk to Giles, and tell him what was going on, and their suspicions. Angel pulled into the small parking lot and parked the car. The two men helped the girls out, and they went into the club together. Everyone was there, but Giles, they noticed. Willow waved them over to the table they had commandeered over in the gang's usual corner.  
  
"They've redecorated," Angel commented over the loud music at the new look of the place as they made their way to the table.  
  
Spike leaned over, and told him, "it was a bit of an active troll due to Red, and demon gal. He did a bit of smashing, and mashing before he got sent back. They reopened the place around the time Joyce died. Least they've put the bleeding blooming onion back on the menu after I complained."  
  
Angel just shook his head. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to hear about the active troll, or not. Buffy and Dawn sat down while Spike went off to get them drinks. As busy as the club was he knew that it would be a while until a waitress showed up. The former vampire came back quicker than they expected, both angry, and empty handed. "Bloody stupid sods. As much business as they've gotten off of me, and they NOW ask me for an ID, which I don't bloody got before I can get a sodden beer. Are those blighters blind as well as dumb," he grumbled sitting down shooting glares at the bar.  
  
"You've been getting beers in here for ages. They ought to know you by now," Willow said, puzzled.  
  
"The soddin' barkeep didn't recognize me. Didn't believe it was me since I can't vamp out anymore, and then some new jerk comes up, and begins asking me for a soddin' ID. Said he couldn't serve me useless I had one. Bastard," Spike complained, his arms folded in disgust.  
  
Buffy, and the others tried to hold back their giggles, but it was hard. Anya looked over to him and told him in sympathy. "I had the same problem when I first turned human. And I am 'way' older than you are."  
  
Spike nodded and smiled slightly, glad to know he wasn't alone.  
  
"I'll go get the drinks," Angel volunteered cheerfully, trying to hold his grin down as he got up to go get the drinks.  
  
"Good, you do that mate. And you get me my ID ASP. Grab some menus while you're at it, Pops," and Angel nodded, trying not to growl at the 'Pops' remark, while Spike continued with his rant. "That was bloody embarrassing. Do I look that friggin' young now?" he asked them all as Angel left to go get the drinks.  
  
"Yeah, you kind of do, old man." Xander said with a smile, getting over his giggle fit as he looked the former vampire over, and taking in the new look with some approval. "You do look our age which is not quite twenty-one yet."  
  
"Oh great," Spike sighed. "Really needed to hear that. I'll have you know I was twenty-six when I got turned. I really look that young?" he asked them all again. They all nodded, and he sat back in his chair dejected.  
  
Angel came back with three cokes and a glass of what looked like wine, but wasn't. Spike raised his eyebrow in question. "Where's my bloody drink?"  
  
"Wouldn't give me one for you, until you get an ID. Something about liquor laws," Angel apologized as he sat back down next to Tara who moved a little closer to Willow, not fully comfortable with the souled vampire that she didn't know that well.  
  
"Right," Spike grimaced knowing it was useless to take this any further, and took the coke after all. "Here, hand over the menus. If I can't drink, I'll eat," he said taking them from Angel then handing one each to both Buffy, and Dawn while he started looking over his.  
  
"So where's Giles?" Angel asked Willow, and the others who shrugged, since none of them were certain where the watcher was..  
  
"Back at the shop, I guess. He was still there when I left to go home," Anya volunteered finally.  
  
"Is he coming?" Angel asked frustrated a little. "We need to talk to him before I head back. It's about Buffy's dad," he explained.  
  
The dark haired boy shrugged indifferently. "He wasn't sure. He was lost in some book when I left. Try calling him if it's important," Xander suggested flatly, trying to be sort of helpful as well as seeing a way to get Angel to leave as soon as possible. He still didn't like the dark haired vampire, and he could see that Buffy was not really comfortable having him around.  
  
"Right," Angel grimaced at Xander cool tones, and got his cell phone out, and dialed Giles' number. After a couple of rings Giles finally picked up. "Giles, are you coming over to the Bronze?" Angel asked, and evidently his reply was in the negative. "I see…okay. Might if I come over there. There's something you need to know about the law firm that Buffy's Dad is using. We have big problems…okay…I'll be there in ten…see you then," he said then hung up and repocketed his phone. Turning to the group he told them, "Giles, is researching something. I'm going over there and talk with him."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Want us to come along?" she asked looking at him.  
  
Angel shook his head. "No, there's no need. You guys stay here. Relax, enjoy yourselves while you can. After I get through then I'm just going to head back to LA. If we find out anything about what is going on I'll call you or Giles," he told her.  
  
"Kay," she replied, not sure what else to say to her former lover. She looked at him a little sadly, knowing it was over between them finally. They both had truly moved on with their lives, and had different paths to follow. They would always be connected, but never in the way they had hoped so many years ago. Her path now lay with Spike. That was what felt right, and she smiled at her new love in reassurance as the former vampire looked back, and forth worriedly between the former lovers. He relaxed finally as Angel turned to leave.  
  
Spike called out, stopping him. "Just let us know what's coming down, and finish up that bloody paperwork. Sounds like I'm going to need all my stuff all legal, and above board as soon as possible. I'm not going to let anyone just come in, and take these two away like they don't have a bloody say in the matter. They've had too much upset in their lives as it is," Spike told him, and Xander, and Willow nodded in agreement backing up his words.  
  
"Will do," Angel told him then he quickly disappeared through the crowd wanting to get this night over with as soon as possible.  
  
Buffy watched him go with a touch of sadness in her eyes/ Quickly turning to her sister she asked, "I need to go the ladies, wanna go with?" she asked.  
  
Dawn shrugged, "Sure."  
  
As they stood up Buffy told the remaining group who looked at them worriedly, "We'll be back in a few." She got nods all the way around. Then she and Dawn vanished into the crowd, and headed for the ladies. She went into one of the stalls, and sat down heavily on the seat. She didn't need to go, she just wanted some place private to think for a few minutes. She heard Dawn next to her and decided it was okay after all.  
  
Back to her thoughts, she had just needed a few minutes alone, away from Spike to compose herself, so he didn't get all twitchy, and defensive. So far things were cool between the three of them, and she wanted them to stay that way. Right now the whole Spike being human, and there being a real possibility of a relationship with him was just too new, and she was going to tread the situation carefully. Angel had stirred up old feelings, but his leaving, and going his own way was not as painful as it had been in the past. She might actually get through this, and really be over Angel. She had to be for Spike's sake because the jealousy between the two was very real.  
  
A lot of it she didn't understand, and wasn't even sure she wanted all the glory details, but being in his mind as he had been in hers had left very few secrets between them now. No, he had been anything, but an saint since he had been turned, but most of the very icky stuff had been done because he had been pushed into proving himself as a vampire. Left alone, without an audience, he had been quick, and careful, sometimes leaving his victims alive, and just taking enough to maintain on. It was only when the others had been around, or involved he had been excessive, and showed off to prove he was worthy of their company when inside he had always felt that he wasn't. Some of things he had done had appalled even himself. Even as a vampire pre chip he had felt guilt, and disgust at what he had to do, but the alternative of being dead-dead had made him continue his existence, and he had learned to keep his feelings on the matter of killing people, so that he could survive to himself.  
  
Buffy was finding her attitudes changing towards him since she had been in his head. There were layers and layers to this very complex man, and a lot of his bad boy behavior was just a big front to the world, when inside he was far from really being the 'Big Bad'. Somehow the core essence of what had been 'William' had managed to survive and this was the man she was falling in love with some of the 'Spike' overtones thrown in. She wasn't 'in love with him' yet but she was getting there—slowly. It all depended on her and whether she could get past some of the nasty stuff that had gone on between them over the last couple of years. Compared to what Angel had done as Angelus, Spike had been 'good' for him by vampire standards and even human standards. Her fear of his having the chip out and what he would do had been part real, and part defensive because of her attraction to him, and her not wanting to let herself fall in love with him because he was a vampire.  
  
Now all of that was a moot point since he was human now, and basically the male equivalent to her on top of everything. Who'd have thought? Least she wouldn't have to worry about him like she did with Xander, or had with Riley after his operation. Still she was scared. Scared of letting herself open up to him completely, letting herself love again—if she could love. For some reason she just didn't want to hurt him, and knew she could hurt him badly emotionally, and had. With Spike, she wanted to be up front and honest with him and she could be in ways she never could be with either Angel or Riley, or even with her friends on too many occasions.  
  
Then there was this mess with her father—she really didn't need this right now. Fighting demons, and gods was one thing but lawyers—this was way over her head. She was beginning to think maybe Spike had had the right idea when he had suggested last night—was it only last night?--that they'd get married, and with the kind of money he supposedly had they would be virtually untouchable and the lawyers and her father would back off. But marrying Spike just for money or security for her, and Dawn was something she couldn't do—no matter how desperate she might be. It would only really screw up any chance they might have for a real relationship. At least she thought so, though with him he'd probably take her anyway he could get her. She still had to do a lot of thinking on this. Though he had never directly proposed to her, the idea had been thrown out and was hard to dismiss out of hand. Her thoughts were interrupted as Dawn banged on the door.  
  
"You okay in there?" Dawn asked through the closed door, wondering what her sister was doing, and wanting to get back to table to order food.  
  
"I'm fine. Be out in a minute," Buffy replied, and went out to face her sister and ask her opinions on some things.  
  
  
End Part 15  
  
  
  
  



	18. Part 16

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Souled To Be, Or Not To Be Me  
  
Part 16  
  
by Phoenixstitch / Vickey Brickle-Macky  
  
This was all brought on by all the discussions of Spike not being redeemable, or able to really love because he doesn't have a soul. What if he said the hell with it, and went all the way, and asked Willow to do a soul restoration spell on him (though it has always amazed me that no one on the show ever thought of doing one on him anyway if they were so worried about him being dangerous with, or without the chip.) I was also listening to VNV Nation tracks while writing this so this will get sort of weird. This is set after "Crush", "The Body", and "Forever", after Joyce's funeral, and after Spike gets bit . This sort of ignores the some of the story line in "Intervention", for the purposes of this story. Also I used parts of Willow's original spell in "Becoming II" with some modifications, and changes here, and there. Usual disclaimers all apply to not stepping on anyone's copyrights with Josh Wheldon, Mutant Enemy, etc.. I don't any of these characters, just borrowing them, especially Spike, and trying out different directions than the show has gone. Rating about PG-17. If you can watch the show you can read this.  
  
  
  
Part 16  
  
"So I gather there's new trouble brewing?" Xander asked cautiously after Buffy and Dawn left.  
  
"Yeah, a bit of a mess with Buffy's father. If you hadn't heard he's finally going to show up in a couple of weeks, and wants to sell the house, and make the girls move to LA with him," Spike explained since the gang was looking blankly at him. "What Angel has gone to talk to Rupert about is that the law firm that's handling this is the same one that Angel has been having so many problems with. Seems they are bit on the demony side, and very bad news."  
  
"Great!" Xander growled in disgust, looking at both Buffy and Dawn who had just come back and sat down. He was unhappy for them. They never seemed to get a break of any kind. Glory was dead but now they had to deal with demony lawyers—could it get any worse? "So you're thinking there's more going on that just the normal—huh?"  
  
"Yeah, it has that feel to it. Wouldn't be awful surprised if these lawyers do know what Buffy, and Dawn are, and are trying to get their hands on them, Could be they're just using the father to get to them seeing that he doesn't know about either of them," Spike told him, and Willow truthfully. They both looked very alarmed, and worried.  
  
"We'll I'll start checking out the lawyers, and see what can be done legally to stop them and Mr. Summers from taking Dawnie or Buffy," Willow told him determinedly. No way was she going to let this happen if she had anything to say about it.  
  
"Angel is going to be doing the same, and he's gone to ask the Watcher if the Council has any info on this group, and if there's a law team on this side we can use to fight them. Failing that I still have some ideas to keep them safe. If we all could survive a Hell God, we bloody can survive a bunch of bleeding lawyers—right?" he said, and they all nodded. "Now can someone explain what the bloody food is on this menu because I don't have a clue?" he said holding up his menu.  
  
"Huh? Xander said looking shocked, then it dawned on him that Spike might not know what half the stuff was since vampires didn't normally eat. "Okay, 'human', let me see the menu and I'll tell you what the stuff is," he volunteered.  
  
Spike smiled at the use of the word 'human' from Xander. Probably couldn't figure out want to call him since the usual terms 'vampire', 'dead-boy junior', or 'bleach boy' no longer applied. "okay, you're on," he said handed the menu to him and scooting over so he could see and point stuff out. "I know what a soddin' hamburger is, fries, wings, and the onion bit, but what are those, and are they any good?" Spike asked pointing to something called a Bronze Stake Plate, and a Monster Melt.  
  
After a bit of explaining and laughing, Spike settled on the Monster Melt, which was roast beef, pork and turkey, grilled onions and mushrooms covered with Swiss on toasted rye with a side of home fries and coleslaw. He had hoped to get a real meal like he vaguely remembered but most of the Bronze fare was sandwiches, soups, etc. for the young crowd that hung there.  
  
Finally, they got the attention of a waitress, and ordered their food much to Dawn's relief. Then they sat back to wait because they all knew it'd be awhile. Spike began to fidget. He was trying to give up smoking, but being in the cigarette laden air was not helping his resolve, especially since he now didn't know what to do with his hands, or anything else. He was determined not to start smoking again, especially because of his new body and the fact that Buffy would disapprove—still he wanted a cigarette bad to relieve his growing nervousness. It was all so surreal to him still. The shock of his new life hadn't fully sunk in yet, and probably wouldn't for awhile. So far there wasn't much difference in things in general except he had a pulse, was warm and had to maintain his body just slightly differently from what he was used to. Before he had played at being a human, blending in as much, or as little as he had pleased, now he didn't have that opinion—he was fully human—and he was bored. Being normal had not changed that facet of him, and since he had slayer senses he was still highly attuned to everyone, and everything going on around him, including the group of vamps that had just come in and were sitting in a corner. They would have to do something about them and soon—had Buffy even noticed yet? By her unchanging expression it didn't look like it yet.  
  
So far Buffy was just watching people dance, and he could see she wanted to join the action, but was unsure whether to get up alone, or what. He had always loved watching her dance. He hadn't even dared suggest dancing with her before, though he had thought about it—a lot. He was going to take a chance for once, and he leaned past Dawn and tapped Buffy on her shoulder to get her attention. "Wanna dance?'"he asked loudly over the music.  
  
Buffy looked startled for a moment at his request, and mentally had to change gears, and keep herself from making an automatic reply of 'no'. This was not Spike the vampire, this was Spike the human, and it was okay to dance with him she had to tell herself. "Sure," she calmly replied getting up from her chair as Spike did the same.  
  
Her friends looked at the two of them surprised. They had to shift mental gears too, and relax.  
  
"We're going go dance. Someone come get us when the food comes, okay?" Buffy asked them.  
  
"Sure, no problem," Xander replied, trying to relax just a little. He was still worrying about Buffy and Spike together. Them as a possible couple was still not easy to take among other things. Sure he was no longer a vamp, but he was still a guy—a guy that still wanted Buffy just as much, or more than he had when he had been a vampire. Xander still felt big brother protective about her when other guys were around. He knew that he, and Buffy would never be anything more to one another than friends, but in a way it bothered him that Spike wasn't wasting any time in going after Buffy now that he did have a real chance to. Even though Xander was trying to forgive, and forget Spike's past, and give him the benefit of a doubt it wasn't proving as easy as he thought it was going to be. He wasn't even sure how to react around the guy yet. Whether to treat him in the same old way, differently, or what? He looked over at Willow, and Tara and saw that their reactions were mirroring his own. "So, what do you think?" he asked his best friend hesitantly.  
  
"Dunno yet. It's still wiggin' me out this whole Spike's now human thing. I find myself still reacting to him like he was still a vamp—old habits I guess—but I can't, can I—it's not fair to him—because he has changed—I think," she said, taking a sip of her drink as she watched the couple being discussed dancing, and dancing very well together.  
  
"He did get a soul too?" Xander asked, also puzzled that there was a more dramatic change in Spike besides outwardly.  
  
"Ohh yeah, big time. And it was painful too, but part of that could have been the transformation he went through body wise at the same time. Maybe he already had part of his soul to begin with, and it wasn't like such a big change for him like it was with Angelus when he became Angel. Let's face it, even as a full non chipped vamp, Spike was never the monster Angelus was. He helped Buffy before the chip lots of times on his own—that is not normal vampire at all," Willow told him  
  
"Yeah, he did," Xander grudgingly admitted, "still when he got the chip he seemed to get nastier—Adam comes to mind."  
  
"Maybe if we had been nicer to him then, helped to adjust more to having the chip, and not being able to feed or hurt humans he wouldn't have tried to team up with Adam. Spike came to us for help and let's face it we all treated him like dirt and never thought about what he might be going through. 'Course it didn't help that all Buffy and Spike seemed to do was fight whenever they got around one another—especially after the spell. It did get worse after that—remember?" she asked him, and he nodded remembering.  
  
"You just had to bring that up, didn't you? That –them kissing and being lovey dovey was just sick—but yeah, they did get more and more nasty to one another after that. Then Riley came into the picture, and that's when Spike moved out of Giles' place. Whoa—you don't think?" Xander said stunned as puzzle pieces fell into place, conversations, actions, timing of things.  
  
Willow frowned at him getting very confused at where his thoughts were going. "I don't think 'what'?" she asked, not having a clue so far of what he was talking about.  
  
  
"The spell—that damned spell. What if they did have real feeling for one another, and the spell brought it all out for both them, and us to see. Then when it was over they freaked over all their feelings and actions, and suppressed it all because of our reactions. That's why they got so nasty to one another—yeah—it all makes sense now. If Riley hadn't showed up and if we hadn't been freaking so much over the spell--,"  
  
"What you think they might have gotten together-- last year?" Willow asked shocked looking at Buffy and Spike hard now, dancing a slow dance, and seeing how easy they were with one another, and not awkward at all. If they danced any closer they'd need a room, she thought with a shock. With narrowed eyes, as she took in that all the moves weren't all on Spike's side either as Buffy was doing her own moves on him.  
  
"Maybe. Who knows. Once Riley showed up things did change between them. Actually they've been more civil to one another since Riley's been gone. Look at how much he has been helping her, and Dawn. And he was right there by her side taking on Glory. Without his help we'd still having to be worrying about her. And when she went into shock he went into her head, and got her to snap out of it. Wow—it's all just hitting me," Xander said with a touch of awe and respect for the former vampire.  
  
"What?" Willow asked perplexed, as did Tara and Anya who had been listening.  
  
What ever he was going to say was cut off by the arrival of their food. Xander started to get up, and go get Buffy and Spike, but saw that they were already heading back to the table—holding hands-- he noted with a shock. 'Okay, this was new,' he told himself, not sure whether to be worried or pleased about this development. "I was just coming to get you," he told them as they sat down.  
  
"Saw the food arrive. Thought I'd save you the trip." Spike said eyeing his sandwich hungrily.  
  
  
"Wasn't sure whether you'd notice, or not. You seemed kind of—involved," Xander said, fumbling for the right words.  
  
Buffy blushed nervously, "yeah, kinda," she said looking over to Spike who raised a scarred eyebrow and smiled sheepishly. "But once we saw the food---," she added hastily.  
  
"I was bloody hungry. Need to keep my strength up, you know," Spike added, trying to distract the group from any questions they might have over their dancing or anything else. He took a bite of his sandwich, and was almost purring at the taste of it. Buffy just shook her head, ignoring him, and began eating hers.  
  
They all ate in relative silence. When they were done Xander suggested that he and Spike go play a game of pool, so the guys left. A couple of Dawn's friends from school had showed up and Dawn was off dancing with them. That left the four women alone, and Buffy was bracing herself for the questions about her and Spike she knew were coming up.  
  
Willow was sure how to ask what was up, but Anya had no problems. "You and Spike make a cute couple. Are you?"  
  
Buffy just looked at her. "Ahh, no…I don't know. Thanks, I guess," she managed to sputter.  
  
"You two were awful close—dancing I mean," Willow jumped in.  
  
"Were we?"  
  
"Yeah, very, very close. Thought you two were going to do right there—close," Willow added and saw her friend blush to her roots.  
  
"Ohh. I didn't realize we looked like that. That's first time we have ever danced with music and all," she explained, and saw puzzled looks on her their faces. "Spike calls what we do when we're fighting dancing—which maybe it is in a way."  
  
"Okay, that makes sense. So is he any good? Dancing, I mean." Willow hastened to add..  
  
"Yeah, real good. Surprised me as I didn't think he did dance—never saw him doing it before. Angel hates to dance. But Spike, he does know how to move," she blushed, thinking back to the very sensuous, slow dance they had had, and how it had made her tingle all over, and want much, much more of him touching her, and without the barriers of clothes as well.  
  
They had almost kissed, but she knew that once they started they wouldn't have wanted to stop. She could finally admit to herself that she did want him, but she wasn't sure whether she was ready to give herself to him yet. There was still so much confusion in her head over him. Even though a quick tumble in bed would be wonderful, somehow she knew that's not what either of them wanted.  
  
"Yeah, I noticed," Willow said with a smirk, and Tara and Anya agreed, almost envying her. "Let's face it Buffy, Spike is a major hottie, whether he's human, or not. He was turning heads before, but now he's really getting looks," Willow added, pointing out some of the girls watching Xander and Spike play pool.  
  
"Other gals find him attractive?" she asked worriedly. She really hadn't been that interested in whether or not Spike attracted other women before—she was now. Yeah, she had noticed he was very good looking, and had definite sex appeal, but she had put that down to being some sort of vamp thing and any attraction or whatever she was feeling was some sort of sick slayer thing. Now she could see it was just him, being him. Whether he was a vamp, or not he had sex appeal in spades—even with glasses which gave him a vulnerable, approachable look too. Suddenly she was finding herself jealous of these other girls attention towards 'her man'—god, had she just thought that about him—that he was 'her man' like she owned him, or something. She hadn't even thought that way about Riley—at least not in a possessive way except when she found out about Faith, and him screwing in her body. But after that—no, she hadn't been possessive of him in the slightest. Spike, on the other hand, she had always considered him her vampire to do with as she wanted, more than even claiming Angel as hers.  
  
"Yeah, they do," Willow blushed, not wanting to admit that she was attracted to Spike too.  
  
"If I didn't love Xander so much—yeah, I'd be after Spike. But wouldn't do me a bit of good. All he wants is you. It's been that way for a long time," Anya told her.  
  
"Huh? Like before he told me?" Buffy asked.  
  
"As long as I've been in Sunnydale, he's had it bad for you and he didn't even know it," Anya said smugly taking a sip of her drink.  
  
Tara leaned forward in her chair so Buffy could hear her, and told her, "I could see it too, first time I met him. He was always watching you whenever we'd have meetings. He'd look really odd too, like there was some kind of war going on inside his head. Then about the time your mom went into the hospital something changed, that's when I really noticed he was trying to help us for real, and because he wanted you to see he was trying to change for you. He seemed to be becoming more human, and less demony over the months. I used to be scared of him, but not any more, even if he was still a vampire—which he's not--that is," she clarified.  
  
"What about you, Wills? Did you see it too?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yeah, but I kept telling myself it wasn't real—couldn't be real. He was just being all obsessive because you were the slayer. I didn't want to think there was more to it. But I really should have seen the signs. He's been acting all lovesick for years around you. The it was like he didn't know what to do about it, or how to get your attention the right way. He kept reminding me off some of the boys back in junior high or grade school who used to do dumb things to get girls attention. Like the name calling, the insults, starting stuff so you'd pay attention to him. Even the thing with the chains makes sense. He just didn't know what to do with a human girl."  
  
"Yeah, and I didn't know that. I just found out that he had gotten rejected by this girl he was in love with, and that night he met up with Drusilla. So he's been with her all these years. The only other girl he's been with has been Harmony—eech. But I didn't know that, didn't want to know anything about his past, and wasn't going to cut him any slack. Which is my bad. Now that I do know, and can see what he had been trying to do the last months with no positive input from anyone, I can say I'm impressed, and feeling a bunch of guilt too because he could have given up, left town, and tried to get someone to take the chip out, but he didn't."  
  
"Yeah, he could have," Willow agreed, grateful that Spike hadn't gone that route despite all of their rejection of him. "So are you two going date or what?" she asked.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know—maybe. I'm hoping we can take it slow. This just sort of came out of the blue you know? I mean he's been around and all, but I'm like real confused right now, despite the pulse, he's still Spike, you know? More improved, better behaved, and less flashy but still damned good looking Spike who still pushes my buttons on all levels. It's like yeah I want to take the chance, but I'm still afraid—afraid he's going leave, or something, just like Riley and Angel did. I know he says he's not going any where, but I've also heard that before."  
  
"Buffy, one thing I am sure of Spike isn't going walk away. Look at how he stayed no matter how many times he was threatened with staking by everyone, and the way all the demons in town want to kill him. He could have left with Drusilla but he didn't. He wanted you, and he stayed even after you uninvited him and shut him out of your life after that. He still stayed, he still helped. He even watched over Dawn, and all of us on his own. He isn't going leave, even if you push him away—and now you really don't have any reasons to—do you?" Willow asked her sincerely.  
  
Buffy looked at her friend shocked. "No, I guess I really don't. So you're saying you approve of me and Spike if it happens?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess, I am," her friend smiled in reassurance. "Look, we've all been wrong about a lot of things in your life. I'm beginning to see that maybe you and Spike are right for one another. I mean, he could have been made into just a regular guy, but instead he's got slayer power like you—that's saying something right there. It's clear you got feelings for him, and the two of you just sizzle whenever you're near one another. I think it'd be wrong for you not to try it with him, and see how it works out," Willow encouraged.  
  
"All I can say is—wow. I was expecting everyone to still be anti—Spike. All I can say is I'll just see what happens," Buffy said, looking across the room to watch Spike bend over the pool table to make a shot and enjoying the view immensely.  
  
She was still a bit shell shocked that she had the gang's approval to get together with Spike. Inside she was alternating between jumping up and down for joy and scared shitless at the same time. Yeah, she wanted him, wanted to give herself to him completely on all levels, but would it make her happy or be the worse mistake of her life—she still wasn't sure. Then he stood up and turned meeting her eyes. It was if everything but them had dropped away and she no longer had any doubts about anything, except when, how, and where were they going to get together.  
  
End Part 16  
  



End file.
